Monday, November 14, 2005

GUIDE TO SEX AND DATING 1: Girls, You Should All Have an Older Brother As Cool as Me

Some background on The Guide:

My sister is an obsessive planner, so it would only reason that the first boy she dated seriously, had sex with and invited to Christmas Dinner would immediately be considered “the one.” Silly, perhaps, to decide this at fifteen, but if you have an uncertainty index as high as your average fundamentalist Muslim, it makes life a whole lot easier. Despite the advice of myself, her mother, our father and countless others, My Sister’s Boyfriend quickly replaced me as the youngest son in the family and the wedding was deemed a mere formality. They moved to Orange County together and shared an apartment adorned in Furniture Gallery, Pottery Barn and Neiman Marcus fixtures. At age 19. Most 19-year-old girls I know have empty vodka bottles as house decorations. My sister had framed photos from her safari to Africa. Instead of red plastic cups for games of Beer Pong, she had an entire 8-mug set by Horchow (NOT used for beer pong). Her weekends were spent on her $2000 plush sofa watching DVD’s and “snuggling” with her boyfriend. She refused to drink, which in our family is considered a genetic mutation on par with autism.

All that changed in January when My Sister’s Boyfriend decided that there were some differences he just could not handle anymore and gave up on the relationship. Shortly after, she turned 21, and shortly after that she began dating her dentist. And drinking. My Sister and I have had times when we were best friends, like when she was a freshmen in High School and going through her wild phase, and periods where we were worst enemies, like when she threw me out of her apartment for hooking up with her friends. After her breakup we entered one of those “best friends” periods where I give her advice about boys, and she asks me questions and I give her honest answers. Like when she was invited by the Dentist for a four day vacation to Maui, to which I replied “You do realize, Sister, that no man in the history of the world has ever invited a 21-year-old girl to Maui for a platonic Scuba Diving trip.” Some of these questions are pretty explicit, but since we didn’t grow up together I am not bothered by this at all. And for the most part I give pretty good advice. She still ignores most of it.

So one morning My Sister is in her dentist’s shower and notices a razor in there. Not too unusual except for the fact that the Dentist used an electric shaver. She asked him about it, and he said, rather uncomfortably, that is was used for “personal grooming.” It then dawned on my poor sister that she had no idea that lots of guys did this. She knew I did, but she generally considers me a freak and just assumed it was another one of my quirks. No, I said, there is a lot you’ve missed since fifteen, my dear. This got her thinking and so she asked me to write her a little e-mail about what its like out there, since she missed the formative 15-21 ages of dating. She asked how she could be considered good in bed, and what guys like and what rules to use when dating and what rules guys use. So the little e-mail turned into a 7-page guide to sex and dating that was one of my proudest creations.

All girls should have an older brother that can tell them these things, it would make everything so much easier. It’s like having a male friend that doesn’t want to sleep with you under ANY conditions (which cannot exist outside of familial relation). So, I have split this guide into five parts which follow. Highly generalized and, as my ex-girlfriend put it, extremely tailored to my taste, but, from talking to my friends, pretty darned accurate. I might also add that this pertains mostly to what "American" guys like, since my sister has sworn off everything else after her six-year interracial dating fiasco. It’s a shame my sister can’t give me similar advice about girls, given her relative lack of experience. On the other hand, she has shown me the proper way to put on a duvet cover.

1 Comments:

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