Monday, November 14, 2005

GUIDE TO SEX AND DATING 4: Sex

My favorite topic. Samantha Jones once said, “The way we are in bed is the way we are in life.” You are an assertive, take-control, me-first person. Take that into the bedroom and you will be very popular. Men love it when you tell them what you want them to do to you. Intimidated? Just pretend you’re telling me (okay, maybe not me, but somebody) to wipe breadcrumbs off the counter, just replace “wipe” with “lick” and “breadcrumbs” with “chocolate sauce” and “counter” with “nipples.” My point is you are assertive in life, so fortunately you can carry that into the bedroom. Docile women have a problem with sucking in bed. And I don’t mean with their mouths.

The first time you fuck a new guy will not be fantastic. He has no idea what you like, you have no idea what he likes. Do not reject a guy you like because your first encounter was not earth shattering. Perhaps if his penis is too small, but not if the sex is so-so. The more you learn about someone, the better the sex will be. It may be great though. Either way, if you like him, call or text him the next day and tell him what a great time you had. It makes a WORLD of difference.

Don’t frontload the kinky shit, as I said before. You’ve got to have somewhere to go.

Never ignore balls. I’m sure your ex taught you that, but trust me, the more you stimulate the balls, the better it is. Tease a guy as much as you can. But by no means don’t let him get it, that’s just mean. You could handcuff him to the bed and tease him for like an hour and leave the room and come back and put on a porno and tease him some more and leave for half an hour then come back and put your clothes on and tell him you decided to go out with the girls. But at the end of the night, you’d better be ready to fuck his brains out.

If you don’t like to swallow, tell the guy to tell you when he’s about to orgasm. If you don’t, he will assume he can fire one into your mouth. Same thing if you don’t want him orgasming inside you (this applies to unprotected sex, obviously). If you let him hit it raw, he will assume he can finish inside. You have to tell him not to cum inside you or he will, and we all know where that leads. To a 10:30 AM appointment squeezed in between the gym and Panhellenic.

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