Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I Hate Your Kid

I’m a little late with my post today. You know why? Our server was down. Fair enough, these things happen. But you know why our server was down? Because someone decided they wanted to bring their three year old in here and he thought it would be funny to press the “Off” button on our main server. Why the kid was even running around the server room I don’t know, but the little curly-haired menace had no business in a gym full of heavy, blunt objects anyway. But you know what everyone thought? Oh, how cute, how adorable, he wanted to push a shiny button. No, actually, it wasn’t cute at all, it was a major disruption to our business and the little monster should be duly disciplined. But to the parents, everything he does is soooo perfect that his costing us half a day of work was laughed off and he was hugged and kissed and taken to Chuck-E-Cheese for lunch. Had I done that shit I’d have been fired. I like pressing shiny buttons, too.

The problem is that the people in charge have kids and therefore let their underlings with kids get away with pretty much anything in the name of “the children.” Listen, your kid having a cold is no more valid an excuse for you being late than me having a hangover. Having kids is a lifestyle choice, just like alcoholism, drug use and homosexuality. It should be treated as such. You want, kids, so be it. What you do on your own time is your own business. But don’t let it affect what happens on the job or you’ll be fired just as fast as the guy who shows up stoned.

Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you get holiday preference either. You want to spend Christmas with your kids? How cute. I want to spend mine with my family too, who happen to live in Sacramento. I made a lifestyle choice to live in Miami and as such realized that I may miss a Christmas here and there. If you have kids and you work at a business that is open on Christmas, your lifestyle choice to procreate does not rate you the day off ahead of me. I am sorry.

We were trying to hire this Spinning instructor who flaked on three consecutive interviews because her daughter was sick. My boss, who is a woman with two kids, insisted we keep letting her reschedule. I said, “Boss, if she is flaking for my interviews, what makes you think her daughter won’t be conveniently ‘sick’ when she has to teach a class?” My boss thought about it and still scheduled her for a fourth interview. I don’t care how well she teaches spinning, I’m not hiring her. Anybody who thinks I’m buying the “My kid has …" excuse is sadly mistaken. You are using it the same way I used “The dog ate my homework” in grammar school. It was bullshit then, and it is bullshit now. And even if you are telling the truth, your kid is not my problem. Your not showing up for work is.

There was a great rant on "Desperate Housewives" a few weeks ago when Lynette was trying to get the day off because her kid wanted her to be there for his first day of school and her boss wouldn’t let her off. After much pleading, the boss, a childless female, said the following: “Okay, how about the people that don't have the kids? Did you ever consider that they might need a little more balance in their lives, hmm? Like, maybe they want to go see a matinee or perhaps they want to come in a little late after a big crazy night out or maybe they just want to get a hair cut, which I, myself, have not been able to do for two months. So, no, this is about fairness to the people who are childless by choice, okay?" I want that posted in my office.

People think their children are special. Like they can block the one-lane road I take to work because they need to pick their kid up from school. Sorry, your kid's refusal to stand in the pick up zone does not trump my need to get back from lunch. Unless your kid has been chosen as the next Dali Lama, he is no more special than me or you or the crossing guard across the street that he has summarily gaffed off.

School zones cause more problems than they prevent. I don’t know how many times I have sat in absolutely ungodly traffic because people can’t effectively teach their kids to not cross the street when there are cars coming. I say get rid of the school zones, tell people to teach their kids better, or suffer the consequences. See how fast kids learn not to cross without looking. There, I have just effectively solved Dade County’s traffic problems from 1:30 to 3:30.

Having children is the most selfish thing people can do. One more mouth to feed on the earth, one more car on the road, one more person using up our finite resources. Just so you can have a cute little thing that looks like you do. People say I am selfish because I never want children. I argue that I am doing the world a favor by not replacing myself, so some Mormon can have their nine kids and it won’t be the burden on the rest of us that it might otherwise be. It would be extremely egotistical of me to think I was doing the world a great deed by replacing myself. Especially more than once.

Married people only fight about three things; Money, Sex and Children. Don’t have the third and you’ll have a lot more of the first two. Children are not a blessing. They are a major aggravation and annoyance. I know few people with kids who are not constantly stressed, frazzled and financially strapped. You ever hear the Springsteen song "The River?" Well, that’s what kids will do to you, absolutely ruin your life. Children, to me, are a nuisance and an aggravation and can ruin a marriage faster than a one-night stand. Most married guys with kids I know say they never get sex. And what, then, do you think leads them to cheat? Exactly.

I had a girlfriend who said never trust anyone who doesn’t like children or animals. Then I read that same statement again yesterday on one of the blogs I read. Why is this? I reiterate, I think those of us that choose never to procreate are the ones allowing everyone else to do so. What is it about not wanting to have to deal with all of the bullshit that accompanies children makes me untrustworthy? If anything, it makes me more trustworthy. Instead of being selfish and insisting on creating another one of myself, I am making an informed, logical decision that benefits pretty much everybody. Except maybe my mother. So I don’t like kids, I still don’t litter. I still tell the guy at the cash register when I eat a cookie while shopping (yes, Julie, I have started doing that). I never cheated in school and I treat everyone with dignity and respect. Would anyone care to enlighten me on this? My last boss, a woman with one child, told me I should just get a vasectomy since the only reason I would ever change my mind is if some girl made me. I agree with her 100% and as soon as my health benefits kick in in January, it is snip-snip time for me. Will I lie to girls about this? No, but I doubt any will ask me point blank if I’ve ever had one either.


People with kids are no more entitled to anything than me. We need to stop rewarding people for overpopulating the planet and start rewarding those of us trying to do the world a favor. Let's take that $500 per child tax credit and give it people who have elected NOT to have kids instead. Let those using the resources pay for it. So all hail the childless, for we are the ones saving the world!

14 Comments:

At 3:19 PM, Blogger Superwoman said...

Did you ever stop to think, for one minute, that you were a child yourself? And that your mere presence on this planet, as a child of course, was pissing people off?

I hope you were kidding in this blog. If not, you REALLY need a reality check.

 
At 4:38 PM, Anonymous JenJen said...

You know WD, I can't agree with you more. And I planned my 20s away between the Boulder City favorite Backstop and Stag with the same philosophy. Kids only add more burden to resources, pollution, etc. The world does not need another. I adapted this line of thought from my mother, who bore me at age 16 to be her only child.
With that, I must say that sometimes these children aren't planned, like my 2nd child for instance.
I'm quite entertained by his antics and lack of common sense in addition to his savvy jigger street talk. I'm even more entertained when the bitch in line in front of me finds him repulsive. This may be the reason I'm not fittin in with the basketball team moms. Personally, I am struggling with that every Wed and Sun.
Secretly, I found your comments a turn on. It's my fantasy to run around drunkin and childless, thank God with the man I married. It's what I look forward to most in a vacation. Thanks for the enlightenment! I'm heading out to the Stag now just to focus on my alcoholism, commemorate my early years and bitch about the kids. They had better look out cuz thumbs up to WD with some fn Silver Bullet action. Call you when big T!

 
At 4:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Children,in fact may be the reason why my bosses wife blatantly ignores me as if her husband went home and told her we were flinging on his desk that afternoon. For one, she's not a whole lot thinner or acne free and probably feels a bunch stupider than her ivy mba.

 
At 2:44 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

Do you really hate kids? I think you hate their parents more then the kids. Just think, it was the parent that let the kid in the area where the server was, the kid had no idea. It's the parents that wont let their kids walk home (a novel concept lost 8 years ago despite no evidence in an increase in child abductions) and pick them up in the one lane road. Its the parents that make the shitty excuses ( by the way, I wouldn't hire that lady either). Granted their excuse does hold more weight with bosses in the world of excuses, and that sucks for you and others like you. But you are going to have to deal with it, kids are here to stay.

 
At 7:32 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Yes. I was I child once. And I hated myself too.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger BigFatSteve said...

There is a hysterical book out entitled, "I hate other people's kids." It reitterates everything you have said, plus more.

 
At 12:23 AM, Blogger Dayngr said...

So, did you get the big snip? If not, wanna make a baby?

 
At 8:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was beginning to wonder if kids were getting more bratty or perhaps I was losing what little patience I was born with. Other peoples kids suck my ass. I had been keeping it a psuedo-secret until my wedding last year when I purposely put 'no children please' and had to hear everyone bitching at me that if their unruly shitbag wasn't welcome then they wouldnt be coming....blah, blah,blah. My answer was 'Fuck you, stay home with your little shits because nobody else can stand them but you'and I've been saying it ever since.

 
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At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, dude. I was pretty close minded like you one day. I accidentally conceived a kid. A lot of it does suck. I didn't want a kid, but my girlfriend at the time did. She didn't care. Now I'm trying to function as a father the best way I can. I'm trying to reconcile the way I felt before(like you) and all that I'm responsible for now.

Anyway, like it or hate it, if you hate kids, you hate humans and if you hate humans, you hate your own species which, well, is kinda dumb. The world is not going to go to hell because of overpopulation. That's a lame, generalized, unscientific statement. The choice not to have children is strictly personal and fine.

With that said, though, your choice not to have kids isn't going to save the world, better the world or any of the things that you mentioned. Each individual is too insignificant to the whole for that to happen. It might just save you some trouble or not. Most chicks don't stay with conciously childless guys for a long time. So your pool of available honies is slimmer, but that could be positive. It's silly to be so boastful and proud or merit demanding about your decision to be childless and hate all the children of the world. Kids can be a pain in the ass, but adults can, too, many times with greater effect with your recent experience with bad parenting.

To break it down to your level of intelligence: Just know that for us(i.e. humans) other humans are usually a resource. For all you know that little punk who(oh my god!) powered off your lil server and gave you a bit more job security, could grow up to cure AIDS, cancer or run your data center.

In conclusion, relax.

 
At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the idiot that wrote the above comment, you obviously never felt like White Dade or you wouldn't have had an "accident". Truly childfree people go to extrodinary lengths to be sure they don't wind up with kids.

Lets break reality down to your intelligence level: THE WORLD IS OVER POPULATED. More to a point you'll understand, the United States is overpopulated. There are now more people than there are available resources, rendering more people a burden not a resource. Unemployment is up, healthcare is a joke, public schools have become state run daycares with little educational value, and the parental 'no' seems to have crawled off and died.

It's highly unlikely the little tyke that powered off the server will ever cure Aids or cancer or amount to much of anything because his parents clearly don't beleive in discipline, without which he won't get far in life.

You try to appear as an intelligent, moderate with a differing viewpoint, but you just come accross as yet another regretful parent jealous of those too smart to join you.

 
At 8:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HELL YES!

I especially agree with the blocked-off one lane road.

Like all the world has to stop for your kid. Oh you couldnt find a parking spot along the street so u just thought that it'd be okay if you stopped the whole world to fit your subjective desires....But I'm selfish?


I think kids are great, but the parents are the ones you have the problem with. There are many parents that keep tabs on their kids.

I think you know what's up; your blog is just the opposite side of this argument. Both sides are subjective, so no one's right.

However, all you parents that can't handle the frustration and responsibility of having kids...stay home! Keep your nuisance kids there and homeschool them.

Dont come to my restaurant, because I am CERTAIN that my employees do not want to pick up your child's mess. My customers do not want to hear the extinction bursts from junior who wants to suck his pacifier.

Your bad parenting ruins my business.

I repeat: NO ONE WANTS TO PICK UP AFTER YOUR CHILD. YOU ARE A BAD PARENT.

In addition, girls that use sex as a weapon against their boyfriends are just as guilty as mothers who "forget" about their husbands, when their men cheat.

Oh, you think you're hot s***? Well there are about 4 billion, yes billion, other vaginas in the world. Is yours special? No. Should you be lucky to have ever found love at all? Yes.

I promise that there are women out there who do not fall into this category. They like sex, and they want you to like it too!

As a matter of fact, I am calling on every man who is being held hostage in their relationship by a frigid or contolling woman to strike back!

GO GET SOME!!! WHo cares what she thinks...she's NOT a positive influence in your life!!!

 
At 12:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To Anonymous who posted at 1:06PM:

Plenty of people who initially and quite determinedly wanted to remain child-free become parents. Over 70% of the annual pregnancies in the United States are unintended. The unfair paternity laws in most US states, female biological instincts and the sorry state of birth control afforded to men creates millions (yes, millions) of "forced fathers" every year.

Despite what right to lifers and\or conversative US legistlators would have you believe, most unintended pregnancies in the US result in birth, not abortion.

"childfree people go to extrodinary lengths"? First of all, it's spelled "extraordinary", douche. Secondly, if you're a sexually active or once sexually active average looking male in the US (And I think you are......Well at least the male part), you can't possibly sit there and honestly tell us that you've never had unprotected(i.e. sans a condom) sex with a woman? Come on, Mr. Sanctimonious, next you'll try to convince us that Santa Claus is real. Or perhaps that if and when you have raw dogged a woman, you made sure that you had full trust in her and that she was on the pill. Well, queue the choir and turn on the applause sign. We have a saint in our presence. Been there, done that, became a father like a million others. You're just lucky or unlucky depending on how you look at it. And you can't honestly claim merit based on luck, inexperience or lack of opportunity. That's just stupid. Men lose their reproductive rights as soon as they hop into bed with a woman. She can lie about taking the pill or merely forget to and I bet you think that's the guy's fault, too, huh?

Please note: if you're not a sexually active or once sexually person, then you have no business speaking with such authority about sexual or reproductive matters.

Do something useful. Go back and hide yourself behind your undeserved pulpit and spare the rest of us your ill informed, ignorant, idealistic bullshit.

 
At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha nice post WD! Well said. I've met so many financially strapped people who have 5 or 6 kids because they are too conservative to try birth control or abortion. Then they complain the reason they don't have money is because of the government and not themselves. Idiots.

 

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