I Hate Your Kid
I’m a little late with my post today. You know why? Our server was down. Fair enough, these things happen. But you know why our server was down? Because someone decided they wanted to bring their three year old in here and he thought it would be funny to press the “Off” button on our main server. Why the kid was even running around the server room I don’t know, but the little curly-haired menace had no business in a gym full of heavy, blunt objects anyway. But you know what everyone thought? Oh, how cute, how adorable, he wanted to push a shiny button. No, actually, it wasn’t cute at all, it was a major disruption to our business and the little monster should be duly disciplined. But to the parents, everything he does is soooo perfect that his costing us half a day of work was laughed off and he was hugged and kissed and taken to Chuck-E-Cheese for lunch. Had I done that shit I’d have been fired. I like pressing shiny buttons, too.
The problem is that the people in charge have kids and therefore let their underlings with kids get away with pretty much anything in the name of “the children.” Listen, your kid having a cold is no more valid an excuse for you being late than me having a hangover. Having kids is a lifestyle choice, just like alcoholism, drug use and homosexuality. It should be treated as such. You want, kids, so be it. What you do on your own time is your own business. But don’t let it affect what happens on the job or you’ll be fired just as fast as the guy who shows up stoned.
Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you get holiday preference either. You want to spend Christmas with your kids? How cute. I want to spend mine with my family too, who happen to live in Sacramento. I made a lifestyle choice to live in Miami and as such realized that I may miss a Christmas here and there. If you have kids and you work at a business that is open on Christmas, your lifestyle choice to procreate does not rate you the day off ahead of me. I am sorry.
We were trying to hire this Spinning instructor who flaked on three consecutive interviews because her daughter was sick. My boss, who is a woman with two kids, insisted we keep letting her reschedule. I said, “Boss, if she is flaking for my interviews, what makes you think her daughter won’t be conveniently ‘sick’ when she has to teach a class?” My boss thought about it and still scheduled her for a fourth interview. I don’t care how well she teaches spinning, I’m not hiring her. Anybody who thinks I’m buying the “My kid has …" excuse is sadly mistaken. You are using it the same way I used “The dog ate my homework” in grammar school. It was bullshit then, and it is bullshit now. And even if you are telling the truth, your kid is not my problem. Your not showing up for work is.
There was a great rant on "Desperate Housewives" a few weeks ago when Lynette was trying to get the day off because her kid wanted her to be there for his first day of school and her boss wouldn’t let her off. After much pleading, the boss, a childless female, said the following: “Okay, how about the people that don't have the kids? Did you ever consider that they might need a little more balance in their lives, hmm? Like, maybe they want to go see a matinee or perhaps they want to come in a little late after a big crazy night out or maybe they just want to get a hair cut, which I, myself, have not been able to do for two months. So, no, this is about fairness to the people who are childless by choice, okay?" I want that posted in my office.
People think their children are special. Like they can block the one-lane road I take to work because they need to pick their kid up from school. Sorry, your kid's refusal to stand in the pick up zone does not trump my need to get back from lunch. Unless your kid has been chosen as the next Dali Lama, he is no more special than me or you or the crossing guard across the street that he has summarily gaffed off.
School zones cause more problems than they prevent. I don’t know how many times I have sat in absolutely ungodly traffic because people can’t effectively teach their kids to not cross the street when there are cars coming. I say get rid of the school zones, tell people to teach their kids better, or suffer the consequences. See how fast kids learn not to cross without looking. There, I have just effectively solved Dade County’s traffic problems from 1:30 to 3:30.
Having children is the most selfish thing people can do. One more mouth to feed on the earth, one more car on the road, one more person using up our finite resources. Just so you can have a cute little thing that looks like you do. People say I am selfish because I never want children. I argue that I am doing the world a favor by not replacing myself, so some Mormon can have their nine kids and it won’t be the burden on the rest of us that it might otherwise be. It would be extremely egotistical of me to think I was doing the world a great deed by replacing myself. Especially more than once.
Married people only fight about three things; Money, Sex and Children. Don’t have the third and you’ll have a lot more of the first two. Children are not a blessing. They are a major aggravation and annoyance. I know few people with kids who are not constantly stressed, frazzled and financially strapped. You ever hear the Springsteen song "The River?" Well, that’s what kids will do to you, absolutely ruin your life. Children, to me, are a nuisance and an aggravation and can ruin a marriage faster than a one-night stand. Most married guys with kids I know say they never get sex. And what, then, do you think leads them to cheat? Exactly.
I had a girlfriend who said never trust anyone who doesn’t like children or animals. Then I read that same statement again yesterday on one of the blogs I read. Why is this? I reiterate, I think those of us that choose never to procreate are the ones allowing everyone else to do so. What is it about not wanting to have to deal with all of the bullshit that accompanies children makes me untrustworthy? If anything, it makes me more trustworthy. Instead of being selfish and insisting on creating another one of myself, I am making an informed, logical decision that benefits pretty much everybody. Except maybe my mother. So I don’t like kids, I still don’t litter. I still tell the guy at the cash register when I eat a cookie while shopping (yes, Julie, I have started doing that). I never cheated in school and I treat everyone with dignity and respect. Would anyone care to enlighten me on this? My last boss, a woman with one child, told me I should just get a vasectomy since the only reason I would ever change my mind is if some girl made me. I agree with her 100% and as soon as my health benefits kick in in January, it is snip-snip time for me. Will I lie to girls about this? No, but I doubt any will ask me point blank if I’ve ever had one either.
People with kids are no more entitled to anything than me. We need to stop rewarding people for overpopulating the planet and start rewarding those of us trying to do the world a favor. Let's take that $500 per child tax credit and give it people who have elected NOT to have kids instead. Let those using the resources pay for it. So all hail the childless, for we are the ones saving the world!