Friday, November 18, 2005

Sports Knowledge is not a Turn-On

We’ve all seen "There's Something About Mary," right? How Mary is a huge sports nut and likes to watch SportsCenter before she goes to sleep and this is supposed to be every man’s wet dream, right? A girl who likes sports as much as he does so they can just sit around and watch football all weekend and never have an argument. Doesn’t quite work like that. Ladies, if you want to take an interest in sports to have conversation topics with guys, so be it. But please, do not start debating me on whether Miami should have gone to a 3-4 last Sunday in fourth quarter. That is a conversation I want to have with my boys, not with you.

See, sports is one of those places guys can go when they don’t want women around. Like a fortress of solitude in the middle of a conversation. If you are in a mixed group and you want the women to leave you alone for a while, talking about the Dolphins’ new Right Tackle is usually a good way to do it. Because talking about prostitutes and strippers is just a little too off-putting. But when your girlfriend knows as much if not more about sports than you, what the Hell are you going to talk about when you want her to get bored and leave you alone? Your prostate? A passing interest is nice, like if you can discuss some things about the local teams or you enjoy going to games with us. But if you know the name of the Marlins' backup catcher, it’s going to be a long evening.

And why, you females may ask, is knowing too much about sports a turnoff? Well, think about it. If you were dating a guy, wouldn’t it just be a little weird if you got into a strong debate about Prada’s spring line? Sure, maybe with your gay friends, but on a date? It would probably turn you off. Similarly if he scooped you on the latest twist in the Brad-Angelina-Jennifer love triangle. You’d be a bit put off, wouldn’t you? I have seen every episode of “Laguna Beach” at least three times, but do you think I mention that when I meet a girl? Unfortunately, yes I do, and it usually doesn’t work in my favor.

The problem with both of these phenomena is that they can also ruin a date faster than a phone call from an ex-girlfriend. It may make for a more entertaining evening than discussing the litany of banal subjects that are usually discussed on a date, but it will not get either of you laid. If you and a girl start talking about sports for way too long, or you are a guy start talking about couture for too long, you will begin to see each other as friends. And really, what are female friends good for aside from watching Desperate Housewives? I limit myself to one single, straight female friend. Any more than that and you are a male cheerleader.

So if the subject turns to sports, and all of a sudden she is talking about the Pass Interference call in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl as if it were the greatest travesty of justice since Emmett Till, you may want to steer the conversation elsewhere. Otherwise, instead of a great night of wild sex, you will end up with one more “buddy” coming over on Sunday. Except now you can’t talk about strippers.

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