Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Bad Sex Appendix: What Makes You Bad?

So one might ask what makes a girl good in bed? That is hard to explain, and I can’t really materialize a list right now. I will in the future. But since I am generally more of a negative person anyway, in the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy, here is a list ways a girl might know she is bad in bed

If you view sex as a bargaining chip for meals, clothing, jewelry or household chores, you are probably bad in bed.

If you have ever used the phrase “I let him fuck me” you are probably bad in bed

If you fake all of your orgasms, you are probably bad in bed

If you don’t masturbate, you are probably bad in bed

If you initiate sex less than 40% of the time, you are probably bad in bed

If your list of things you don’t do is longer than the list of things you do, you are probably bad in bed

If you never suggest, nee, demand, a position change, you are probably bad in bed

If you do not know what “the rabbit” is, you have never watched “Sex and The City,” and you are probably bad in bed

If you don’t like sex more than three times a week with your significant other, and you have no kids, you are probably bad in bed

If you refuse to try anything other than intercourse, you are probably bad in bed

If you don’t like foreplay, some men may love you, but you are still probably bad in bed

If you are only fucking a man because you want him to like/love you, you are horribly misguided and you are probably bad in bed

If you think sex is a beautiful act meant only for people who are deeply in love, don’t even waste your time with it, because you are probably bad in bed

If you have ever used the phrase “I don’t like being on top” you are probably bad in bed

If you find sex painful, it’s not your fault, but you are probably bad in bed

If you don’t even have a passing curious interest in porn, like maybe you do with football, you are probably bad in bed

If you think hooking up with a girl is gross and disgusting, this is a horrible, horrible double standard, but you are probably bad in bed

If you are afraid to go with me to the Hustler store, you are probably bad in bed

If you go with me to the Hustler Store and spend the whole time in the coffee shop nervously drinking a latte, you are probably bad in bed

If you expect me to read your mind, you are probably bad in bed

If you blame the guy 100% for your not getting off, you are probably bad in bed

If a large penis scares you instead of excites you, you are probably bad in bed

If you talk about having sex incessantly, not just for fun, but ALL THE TIME, you are probably bad in bed (this is the female equivalent of “Those that talk about it the most get it the least.”)

If you have to be drunk to want it, you are probably bad in bed

If I have slept with you in the last 19 months and you are not an accountant or a bartender on Brickell (and even then, you only rate “good”), you are probably bad in bed.

So, girls, I know you all can’t change. And some of you are just not open-minded enough to fulfill all of these criteria. And that is why only 10% of you are the subjects of fantasies years after the fact. I’m sure the same goes for us, but if you want to be the best someone ever had, avoid all of these things. Otherwise, you fall into the great mass of “other.”

3 Comments:

At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm such a loser for even replying to these things all the time...but here goes. i'm going to defend the ladies on this. i daresay that many girls may have incredible potential in the bedroom but are nervous about unleashing it/are unable to bring their A game unless they are comfortable in their relationship w/the guy.

Often it seems, they cannot unleash the fury until they know the guy will be there in the morning. I think (and I am probably wrong, b/c I know next to nothing about females) that "nice" girls are terrified of being classified a whore. Therefore, the metaphorical whips & chains stay in the symbolical closet of freakiness until sex is part of some sort of relationship (even if its a casual one).

My 2 cents...

 
At 9:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey this is Frank B. from Ohio. Just wanted to say that maybe you are making judgements based on limited time in the sack w/these ladies.

I, for instance, am a little trigger happy w/the jumpshot (know what im sayin?) if I haven't played in awhile. But give me a few games together w/the same squad and I'll be money from downtown. By the way, all of this is referring to my penis and sex.

My pt is that maybe the kinks need to be worked out before you can make a fair judgement. Perhaps give them a Maui Invitational or Coaches vs Cancer before casting them to the bottom of the AP poll.

Frank B.
Dayton, OH

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

I get what you all are saying, my point in these two posts was that bad sex is a shared fault. It is only 50% our fault if the sex is bad most of the time. Most women don't seem to understand that.

 

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