Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Bad Sex is Your Fault Too

Girls, I hate to burst your precious little bubble, but a lot of you are pretty bad in bed. I have been with enough girls at this point that I can say roughly one in ten rates the term “Great.” A few may rate “good” and some “okay” and a lot “bad,’ but very few are memorable. Do you really think just because I finish that you were doing anything right? Remember, there are men that have sex with pieces of plastic and get off. I may have been fantasizing about a girl from three years ago or thinking about a porno I watched last week or any girl from the cast of “One Tree Hill” for all you know. Your performance is not directly correlated to my orgasm.

I have a few female friends, and read a lot of female blogs, and I hear this constant stream of women saying “God, guys think they're so great in bed, but most of you suck.” Girls, right back atchya. Did it ever occur to you that you aren’t doing anything to motivate us to perform? Giving us thirty seconds of oral then lying back in the missionary until we decide to change it up does not absolve you of any responsibility for bad sex. Neither does occasionally biting my ear. Neither does moaning or even screaming with milk toast enthusiasm. You want me to perform better? Give me a reason to. Let me know you want it more than I do. Let me know you are a beast waiting to be uncaged. I will react accordingly. Do not lie back and expect me to get in my cardio for the day trying to get you off. That is the sexual equivalent of a woman expecting a man to pay all her bills and shower her with gifts. Sex, too, is a 2-way street.

I know you fake orgasms. I have been with girls and thought to myself, “Nice faked orgasm” when they did it. I think I may have contributed to about four real orgasms this year, but of course the girls I was with probably think I believed it was four every time (and why, girls, is that the number you always use when you are lying? Much like the customary “7” when asked how many men you’ve slept with) How about you take responsibility for your own orgasm? If a position isn’t working for you, you switch it up into one that does. If we are going too fast/slow/shallow/deep for what you like, scream at us to do it like you want. That’s hot. Faking orgasms and complaining how bad we were? Not so hot.

I have had almost nothing but mediocre sex this year and I'm starting to wonder if I’m ever again going to find a girl who really knows what she's doing. I am extremely energetic and try to be creative when it comes to sex. But so many girls just lie there and don’t say anything or squirm if I even bring up the idea of trying something different (and, no I do not mean anal sex) that it makes me wonder if great sex is just as elusive as great love. Why do so many girls have such inhibited sexual attitudes? Are they afraid that if they show too much enthusiasm for sex that I will consider you a whore? Better I think that than that you are bad in bed. Which is what the majority of younger women are.

I have even gone so far as faking orgasms with girls I am with because they are so dull. So I understand why women do it. This is preferable to not getting off, which all girls blame on themselves. As well they should because nine times out of ten it probably is her fault. Again, we can get off fucking inanimate objects, so if I can’t get off with you, you are probably pretty awful. But girls get a complex and start crying if you tell them it’s not going to happen, so if I have a condom on nobody knows the difference. It is usually at this point I find a reason to leave and go home to “Barely Legal Summer Camp 4.”

This is not to say that you have to be a slut to be good in bed. I know a good number of girls who do not sleep around and do not have one-night stands but when they have a guy, they are insatiable. Like three times a day insatiable. And experimental and fun and usually complain to me about how their boyfriends are so lame because they only want it once a day. These guys are sad, and are definitely missing out. Although, I will say I had a girlfriend that probably said the same thing about me. But she was so dull it got to be like eating vanilla ice cream: Really good the first time but after a while you can't eat anymore unless you get some srpinkles.

This begs the question: So, White Dade, you think you’re goddamned Cassanova? No, quite the contrary. I know there are things I do well and things I don’t do well, and some girls think I’m great and some think I am altogether forgettable. And some compare me to Negra Modelo. But I will tell you when I am with a girl who is into it and energetic and exited, I perform extremely well. The uninhibited, crazy and insatiable ones are usually the ones who think I’m great. But I’m not good enough to bring out the whore in a librarian.

I am sick of women blaming men for bad sex. Unless we finish in two minutes, it’s not all our fault. If you are lying there in missionary and expect me to magically figure out how you like it and what gets you off, then your expectations are way too high. We are not mind readers, and no, we do not figure things out from your moans and groans, most of which are faked anyway. So speak up, move your body to a pleasurable position and let yourself go, mentally and physically. Being uninhibited is about the hottest thing a woman can do. Like an actor on the stage, I play off of your energy and enthusiamsm. Give me nothing, and you get nothing in return.


At 9:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"so if I have a condom on nobody knows the difference"

so i guess you are faking all the time, right...

Soy Sauce


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