Dr. Kinsey, You Have Ruined Me
My friend, he is dating a freak. I mean a bona-fide, tie-me-up-and-tell-me-you’re-my-daddy freak. This guy has told me some stories about things he’s done with this girl that make me want to cry. Think the sex montage of Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz in “Blow” and you have a typical Monday in this guy's bedroom. I have been standing with this guy in a bar and he gets a text message to the effect of “God, I need you inside me right now. Let’s go fuck.” Did I mention that this girl is tall, blonde, and 20? My friend, he has had his share, some better looking, some younger, but this one, man, this one takes the taco. I knew the guy in undergrad and he was a spectacular failure with women, so how all this happened I have no idea. But his lack of experience at the collegiate level robbed him of one extremely valuable lesson that I am going to impart to him here: Enjoy it while you can.
I, like he, was a virgin until my Sophomore year of college. Not wholly uncommon, but I missed out on all the fumbling and insecurity that goes along with High School sex. My first time, and subsequently first sexual relationship, was with a girl that makes his friend look like an Afghan virgin bride. Her name, appropriately enough, was Kinsey, and, honestly, that institute in Indiana should be named after her and not Dr. Alfred. ‘Cause this girl knew a lot. The first time we did it she got on top of me and put me in, just like that. Didn’t even ask. Quick, easy, no thought to it, and no condom. The next two and a half years were filled with slamming me up against walls, public places, toys, porn (lots of porn), handcuffs, blindfolds, food, ice, wax, Lords of Acid, and pretty much every conceivable sexual act that two people could engage in. Like Nine and a Half Weeks, but longer. She was into girls, and talked to no end about wanting a threesome, but somehow it never materialized. How I blew this I have no idea either. She was multi orgasmic (and, yes, I’m sure she faked some, but no one wants it that much if they’re not getting off). All my friends would tell me how good I had it, but I just figured they were being nice. I had a few others during this time, but none were even in this girl’s league. She taught me how to be good at sex, and for that, Dr. Kinsey, I am eternally grateful.
After we broke up, well, I just assumed every girl I dated would call me at one in the afternoon and say “Hey, wanna fuck?” I figured they would all wake me up at 3 AM with a blowjob and a half hour of “Did we have sex last night?” sex. Twice a day is normal, right? And where do you keep your box of sex toys? HA! No, no, not quite the case. Apparently, and I did not know this, but apparently most girls are not as into sex as guys are.
What do you mean you don’t do anal? Excuse me, I just woke up, why are you not ready to go? Hello, we only had sex once today! What gives? You mean to tell me you don’t like watching porn? You think getting with a girl is gross? You didn’t orgasm? Really? You don’t like being on top? You don’t like oral sex? Why am I even wasting my time? Unfortunately, I have asked these questions of 90% of the girls I have been with since. This is why I am rarely satisfied by a sexual encounter. Entertained, yes, but rarely satisfied.
So my point in this? My friend, I know you have probably fucked this girl’s brains out more than any other female you have had the pleasure of sticking your undersized penis inside of. And therefore she will become your standard to which all others will now be held. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of spectacular sexual dissatisfaction. I am guessing your lifetime total is still in the single digits. This means you have not been with enough women to know that your girl is the gross exception and not even in the same universe as the rule. You must understand that it will probably never be this good again, especially if you continue to date attractive, younger girls. Go ahead, go and have your wild, crazy threesome next week, but don’t let it ruin you. Once this girl is out of your life (and she will be, eventually) you will more than likely spend a lot of nights in bed with your next girlfriend jerking off to memories of this one. Girls this good are usually nuts or fat or old, occasionally all three, and therefore not exactly girlfriend material. Exceptions? Of course there are. We have both found them. But I warn you, my friend, you may be dooming yourself to a lifetime of ungratifying sex if you do not understand what I am telling you: Don’t expect it to ever be this good again. Enjoy it while you can.