Thursday, December 01, 2005

Escort Service Form Letter

My sister’s friend was screwing her boss. Perhaps not the best idea for a young paralegal fresh out of UC Irvine, but I am not one to judge people’s sexual ethics. At any rate, this created a bit of a dilemma for said friend when last year’s office Christmas party rolled around. She would no doubt piss off her boss if she brought an actual “date,” but at the same time she couldn’t very well have the whole office knowing that she was, in fact, screwing the boss. He was single and relatively young, so it wouldn’t have been a career ending scandal, but a scandal nonetheless. I didn't talk to this girl a whole lot, since she was one of my sister's friends and therefore off-limits. But for whatever reason, she decided that I would be the perfect hired escort. I was paid with free food and liquor at the party, a pretty cheap date if you ask me. She gave me her e-mail address and told me to e-mail her so she could send me the details. Well, I had about as much to do at my last job as I do at my current one (I am incredibly lucky in this respect) and came up with the following letter. I think if I ever do open an escort service, I will send this to all of my clients.

Dear Ms. Miranda –
Thank you for your interest in White Dade Professional Escorts. We strive to provide the highest quality, discreet escorts at a price you can afford, depending on what you want. Your request for Mr. Dade’s service for Saturday, December 18, 2004 has been received. We assure you that Mr. Dade is a professional in every sense of the word, having escorted contestants at the Miss Florida pageant on multiple occasions, including former Miss America Erikah Dunlap. Just be sure you do not give him excessive amounts of alcohol or cocaine. White Dade Escorts, LLC, cannot be responsible for his actions should this occur. Such actions may include, but are not limited to, belligerency, excessive conversation, disclosure of personal secrets (yours and his), crying, fighting, mental breakdowns, sexual overtures towards overweight women, tirades about how much he hates his family, and possible public nudity. This will serve as our official disclaimer.

In order to properly process your request we will need some additional information:

VISA # :
Expiration Date:
Time and Location of Event:
# of Hours requested:
Method of Transportation:
Requested Attire:
Acceptable topics of conversation:
Unacceptable topics of conversation:
Cover Story:

The cover story, of course is optional so that your peers/co-workers/family members do not know that you are using our service.

As soon as we receive confirmation of your reservation, Mr. Dade can begin preparation for this event including tanning, eyebrow waxing, facial, manicure/pedicure and wardrobe selection. These services will be performed free of charge so long as your reservation is kept. Should you cancel your reservation, however, you will receive an invoice for expenses incurred by White Dade Escorts, LLC. If you have any questions, we can be reached at 949-609-4051.

Thanks Again For Your Reservation!

White Dade
CEO, White Dade Escorts, LLC

Ironically enough, she was found out by her big boss like three days before the party as her and her younger boss were spotted leaving Home Depot together with a plunger on a Sunday. Not exactly something coworkers get together to do. I still got to go to the party, though. Seeing as how I am now scrambling for a date for my own Company Holiday party now that Miss X pulled her disappearing act, I am thinking I should call in this favor. So, Ms. Miranda, can you be in Miami by Saturday? If so there’s a catered dinner and a host bar in it for you.

7 Comments:

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