New York, New York: The City so Overrated, They Named it Twice
I hate hype. I hate things that people think are so great that are, in fact, no better than most other things. So, in order to stir up a little debate, and hopefully invite myself a little vitriol, I will now list my top 10 overrated things of 2005. These are all things I hear friends, radio personalities and TV talk about to no end, and they are all OVER-RATED (clap, clap, calp-clap-clap):
10. Michael Vick – Given, Ron Mexico is a freak of an athlete and could probably be a pro in whatever sport he took up. But when was the last time he put up unbelievable numbers and/or won anything other than a divisional championship? That’s right. Never. Let’s hold off on that “Quarterback of the Future” stuff until Vick, or a guy like Vick, wins the Super Bowl. The only black quarterback to win the big game was Doug Williams, a pocket passer. I see why he is so popular in Atlanta though; His on-field antics mimic the nightly activites of your typical Atlanta resident: Cruising around aimlessly, showing off for no particular reason, looking good to the uneducated eye, winning small battles occasionally but never landing the big prize. And he gave that dumb groupie the Herp.
9. Los Angeles – Although people love to rip it all the time, it is still for some reason considered some sort of tropical paradise full of beautiful people, great nightlife and warm weather. The clubs close at 2, and “finding a house party” is not something you should have to do in a city with world class nightlife. I have never had to “look for a house party” in Miami, New York or Las Vegas. There are about five people from LA I would ever choose to be friends with and the weather in the summer is comparable to a winter in Miami. There are hot girls in Hollywood and Santa Monica and the South Bay, but they are easily offset by some of the fabulous females of Cerritos and Southgate. This place can’t support an NFL team, a feat even the sports wasteland known as South Florida is able to accomplish. Oh, and Orange County? NOT LA. Not in the slightest. Perhaps the worst place in the country to live, as far as I’m concerned. Except maybe Buffalo.
8. Angelina Jolie – Her lips are the size of my head and she looks vaguely like a cave painting. I never understood her appeal and never will. Maybe if you’re into that "uber-collagen" look, but let’s not forget that you would be getting Billy Bob Thornton’s sloppy seconds. Oh, and she’s freaking nuts. Not that that’s a bad thing, but unless you can reap the sexual rewards of dating a certifiable head case, there is no reason to fantasize about it.
7. Scarlet Johansen – So-so actress who would not turn a single head if she walked into Prive. As a matter of fact, I don’t think she’d turn a single head if she walked into Burger King. She is obnoxious, has a terrible dye job, and basically comes across as condescending and sniveling at the same time. Why she gets work I have no idea.
6. “Walk The Line” – Okay, I will give you this – Joaquin Phoenix does a nice job and Reese Witherspoon is always charming. But you cannot honestly expect me to believe you can make an accurate movie about the life of Johnny Cash and have it rated PG-13. That guy did not lead a PG-13 life, at least not during the time documented in the movie. I think he curses twice in the whole film. Johnny Cash cursed twice in every sentence he ever spoke. The guy inhaled blow like it was air and drank more liquor than he did water. Yeah, the only drug he ever had a problem with were presciption amphetamine pills. Right. I am sure he had his share of groupies, too, even with he was on tour with June Carter. So, while it was all in all an okay movie, no Oscar should be awarded to a movie that Disneyfies the life of one of America’s great degenerates.
5. USC – This team managed to come along when perpetual powers Michigan, Miami, Florida State, Ohio State and Nebraska were all going through lean times. And the Pac-10 is not having its greatest run in history either. Their biggest competition has been an even more overrated Notre Dame team, Aaron Rogers, and perhaps this year’s Texas squad. I predict they will be exposed as the frauds that they are at the Rose Bowl. Of course, Texas could be pretty overrated too.
4. Jessica Alba – The only person on this list I’ve actually met. I danced with her briefly at Crobar one night two years ago and had absolutely no idea who she was. The Hag later showed me her picture in FHM, where she was rated the 17th hottest woman in America. Gentleman, I can safely say she was not the 17th hottest woman at Crobar on a Monday. I remember seeing her and thinking “Yeah, she’s kinda hot” and dancing with her for like two minutes (and, yes, she ditched me), during which time several girls approached her to say something. But no guys. This means her WB popularity among twenty-something females far outweighed her sex appeal. Paging Sarah Michelle Gellar. She looked good in Sin City, but, really, not turning any heads in the Beach.
3. Eva Longoria – If I see this broad on one more magazine cover I am going to toss it clear across Circle K to the Slurpee machine. She rates barely third on my “Girls on Desperate Housewives I would Bang” list, lagging miles behind Teri Hatcher and Nicollet Sheridan. I’d probably even prefer Bree Van De Kamp on a good day. Short, dark and not overly attractive. Don’t believe the hype, at the end of the day she reminds me more of the kind of girl I’d see hanging out at Gatsby’s or Café Iguana Kendall (if it still existed) than someone I’d see in South Beach.
2. Tom Fucking Brady – This one gets me almost as riled up as #1 does. Yes, he won 3 Super Bowls, but if Adam Vinatieri does not have the golden foot of God, he’s in the same category as Jim Kelly or, dare I say, Bernie Kosar. He is a strong cog in an effective machine, but by no means deserves any more credit for the Pats success that Teddy Bruschi or Vinatieri does. He led two drives of about fifty yards each to set up field goals. Wow. Sage Rosenfels put on a more impressive performance against the Bills last week. He is not even in the league of a Montana. He's definitely no Dan Marino. He's not even Dan Fouts. Remember that time Montana had that Monday night classic against Elway where he drove the Chiefs to victory on a last drive? Can you name one other guy on that team besides Marcus Allen and Derrick Thomas? And the kicker does not count. The point is Montana could pull off his magic without Rice, Taylor, Rathman and Craig. I doubt Tom Brady could win 10 regular season games without the Belichick system. I think if he played for Arizona or New Orleans or Washington, he’d be hard pressed to make the Pro Bowl. I am glad he is being exposed as the massive fraud he is this year. And it's good to see the focus going to the quarterbacks in this league who have actual talent, like Peyton Manning and Carson Palmer. And please do not deluge me with Tom Brady stats, I simply don't care. He couldn't put those numbers up with any other team. Montana could. Marino put up Hall of Fame numbers with a supporting cast whose most notable player was Mark Clayton. End of story.
And, the winner, for the fourteenth year in a row…
1. New York City – So overrated it doesn’t even deserve a tirade. I just don’t care about what goes on in this city, yet every major media outlet seems to think I do. Nope, could not give two shits what’s going on in New York. An irrelevant city to most Americans that is still perpetually shoved down our collective throats. Do I get coverage of the Houston mayoral election on the CBS evening news? No. So why do I need to know about New York’s? There is one decent sports team in the entire city, yet ESPN seems to think their nationwide viewing audience is dying to know “What’s wrong with the Knicks?” Hey, what’s wrong with the Magic? Ugh. Just a place I am tired of hearing about. I’ve been there. I wasn’t all that impressed one way or another. Not that dirty, not that clean. Not too rude, not too polite. Not too homogenous, but not overly ethnic. Rather unremarkable, actually. Just another American city choc full of franchises and chain restaurants. Like Jacksonville with more skyscrapers. Not impressed at all.