Monday, December 19, 2005

The Road to Dunzo

My relationships, to this point, have been viewed by me as learning experiences. I have never thought of any of my girlfriends as potential life partners, but rather people to work out the kinks with until the right one came along. This way I know what I want and don’t want, and what to put up with and what I will not. They were all, in essence, ex-girlfriends that I was still dating. This is not uncommon with people in their twenties as we try to learn as much about the real world as we can. And relationships are no different. My problem has come in realizing when I had learned all I was going to, and when to get out. I am at a point now that I can realize when a relationship has reached its apex and is on the downslide to Dunzo. As soon as it is headed downhill, I know it is time to get out. Because it only gets worse. Do I apply this enough? Absolutely not. But I would like to pass on to all of you the things that, if they are going on in your head or your heart, should tell you to break away as soon as possible. Because the longer you wait, the harder it gets.

1.) When you look at a calendar, and see a future date, and think to yourself, “I wonder if we’ll be together then?” you are done. It is only a matter of time.

2.) When you are lying in bed and watching her get dressed, or look at her naked, and think to yourself, “Someday, someone else will be doing this,” DUN-ZO.

3.) When you begin to think how a story of whatever you are doing will sound to future dates, you are with a future ex. Get out before it gets messy

4.) If you ever look at the two of you having sex in a mirror, and think it should be someone else, it probably should be.

5.) If you are still in regular contact with an ex, or think about an ex on a regular basis, you are wasting the other person’s time. Make sure you have moved on before you attempt another relationship. If you notice your partner doing this, get out. You will never measure up.

6.) When you find yourself wanting to cheat within the first year, get out. "Getting it out of your system" is a myth. You are not into the other person enough or haven’t been around enough to appreciate what you have.

7.) There is a defining moment where you realize your partner’s sexual boundaries. If they are not where yours are, the sex will only get worse and more predicable. You will either want it less and the other person will cheat, or you will cheat to find someone who satisfies you.

8.) When you are cheating, just leave. It’s easier that way.

9.) If you strongly suspect the other person is cheating, they may not be, but they are still ignoring you and avoiding you for a reason. They are probably done, even if you aren’t. Try the pre-emptive breakup, George Constanza style

10.) If you are miserable more often than you are happy, remember that breakup misery ends, relationship misery can continue until death

11.) Relating to #10, if this is happening early on, you are really wasting your time. Because remember: IT ONLY GETS WORSE

12.) If you want sex a lot more than your partner does, you will soon be the one cheating. Again, just save yourself the drama and get out easy

13.) If you never have conversations where you feel like friends, you probably aren’t. And, as Michael Bolton once so poignantly asked, “How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?”

14.) Similarly, if every conversation is a fight, there is an underlying cause. Identify it, see if you can solve it, and if you can’t, time won’t either. Leaving will.

15.) If you are physically assaulted and do not outweigh the other person by at least 100 lbs, you better get out now. If you stay around or take someone back, you are just pathetic

If more than few of these things are true about your relationship, you are done learning. Get out before you do something stupid like marriage, or kids or even a signed lease. Or up and moving somewhere where you don't know anyone for somebody. I reiterate, it is never easy to break up, but the earlier you do it the better People are like busses, you miss one and there is another one along in five minutes, no matter how many you missed before. It just may be headed down that proverbial road to Dunzo.


At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I can't believe you quoted Michael Bolton. You're edging out of the land of metro and into the realm of "don't ask, don't tell." Other than that though, your entry is pretty accurate.

At 5:30 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Wait until tomorrow when I quote Dido AND One Tree Hill in the same post!


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