Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Blind Dates With Overweight Redheads - Not A Good Idea

So today has been a landmark day for White Dade. First, I believe I was linked for the first time ever, albeit by a blog that was mentioned in the title of the linked piece. But still, not bad for a guy with 95 profile views (I think TAN gets that in like an hour). Second, I became privvy to my first ever piece of blogsphere gossip. Not big or relevant news to anybody, really, but I still feel privilaged. And, lastly we have our first ever guest contributor to White Dade, one Mr. Greg Smith. Greg, for the nine of you who read this and don't know me, is the indivdual who sent me the photo essay about the girl he had slept with that inspired a post last week, and is also the guy who went on the blind date with the fat girl. He wrote an account of the situation that I found rather comical. Since Greg does not have the massive public forum that I do (actually, I believe his email forwarding list is exponentially bigger than my readership) I agreed to post his story. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you "The Blind Date."

One of the more inexplicable and mystifying customs of which young men regularly engage in our society today remains to be the blind date. What drives these young lads to tempt such a fate? Is it desperation, lust, or just plain curiosity? Speaking only for myself, it was a combination of youthful curiosity and a why-the-hell-not attitude. Yes, I too rolled the die and committed myself to an evening with a woman I had never met. And while it was my first and thus far only blind date, I learned several important guidelines of this skewed and often sordid dating universe that I feel obligated to share with fellow young men across the country. Before I list a few pearls of wisdom,
Say hello to your new little friendlet me offer you this little universal tidbit of food for thought - and I implore you to keep it in the back of your mind and mull it over as you read on: Hot girls don’t need to be setup on blind dates.

1. The name. What insight can this offer, you ask? Have you ever noticed that hot girls tend to have hot names, and homely awkward girls tend to have, well homely and awkward sounding names? Tip number one - go with your gut. If the girl you are being setup with has a name like Dorothy or Edna, trust your gut instinct and decline.
2. The description. Ideally you want to see a picture of the girl/beast prior to actually going out with her. However, conveniently enough, this is usually not an option. Or if the friend setting you up is one of her friends, beware of a fake picture of a girl that you can at least stomach. Now pay close attention to the following – and this is where I should have been tipped off: if the friend says she, “Has big boobs and a big butt, but isn’t fat….” Run! Don’t listen to another word! I had an epiphany all too late; if a girl isn’t fat, then the word fat should never arise. No one would ever consider her to be fat, therefore the friend should never have to convince you that she is not fat. If the word fat is ever uttered, then it most assuredly means that the chick is, in all certainty, exactly that – a fatty-fat fat fat. Trust me.
3. The location. As a line in a great movie starring Harrison Ford once said, “Choose wisely.” By this I mean if you are actually considering going on a date with this pig after all you’ve read heretofore, do it in the utmost deserted of all watering holes. It is by the force of some unknown, higher natural law that should you choose to go anywhere even remotely popular, every single one of your friends will be there entirely by happenstance to bear witness to the most humiliating event you’ve endured in months. I know this, for it was my own downfall.

The above are merely guidelines, not to be taken as universal truths. But again, let us not forget – hot girls do not need to go on blind dates.

I will now provide for you a brief outline of the events of my first blind date, in hopes that you will learn from my mistakes and if nothing more, have a good chuckle or two.

I was informed that the “date” had meat on her, had big boobs and a big butt, but was not fat. I was also informed that she had red hair, a uniquely identifying trait in a city predominantly Latino. She suggested a local bar that was quite popular, and in my naivety, I agreed. My only saving grace was that I told her to meet me there rather than pick her up – make note of this. I arrived early in order to secure a spot at the bar, only to find that the place was packed. As I pondered my minor conundrum, I looked up to find a red-head with the build of one Sponge Bob Square Pants standing in front of me ordering a drink at the bar. “Oh Christ,” I thought, I hope that’s not her. A large part of me immediately died inside, as I knew this absolutely must be her. Yet some
If things go really badly…small part of me deep down inside – most likely spawned by years of reading the likes of The Little Engine That Could as a child - fought the urge to haul ass, clinging to the hope that perhaps this brute was not to be my fate and some smoking-hot red-head would walk through the door any minute.

As I watched her pull out her cell phone and begin dialing I knew she was preparing to call me, so I made the approach. Sure enough, it was her. I excused myself for a moment while I grabbed a drink at the crowded bar. While attempting to flag down the cocksucker bartender, I glanced across the bar to find a guy who looked a lot like my friend Joe looking back at me with a half-cocked smile. “That’s weird,” I thought. Then to his right I saw a girl that looked an awful lot like his girlfriend, and to her right someone who looked a lot like my French piece-of-shit friend. What the fuck are they doing here?? As they broke into unmitigated laughter on the other end of the bar, I simply turned the other way, wondering exactly what the fuck I had gotten myself into. They would be the first of many friends and acquaintances I would see that night, ensuring that this evening would be immortalized in the minds of many.

The rest is just glitz and glamour that I will leave to the imagination, until I finally ended the night with the declaration that I had to wake up early the next morning. This of course, was a lie.

Am I proud? Absolutely not. Mortified? Somewhat. But, if I can help at least one person, just one…….

About The Author: Greg (pronounced "Graig") Smith graduated from Florida State University in 2003 and currently is an analyst for Norwegian Cruise Lines. This means he analyzes shit. He currently lives with his mother in Palmetto Bay, Florida and enjoys talking to dudes, spinning, smoking weed, playing poker and hanging out with his friends Gayman, Brain, Studio and Frenchie. People say he looks like the lead singer from "Three Doors Down."


At 4:09 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Thank god for delectability and a great metabolism that makes women jealous. I am more worried about my arteries than I am about gaining weight.

At 10:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

can betty shut up for a while? stop trying to be that "cool" girl who is down with the guys. your opinion of your appearance is highly overrated as well.

At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Internet FIIIIIGHT!!!

At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't you think people talking shit should at least give their identity. Stop being a pussy--have some balls man!

Mr. X
Colorado Springs, CO

At 1:05 PM, Anonymous graig said...

these comments are all fucking stupid. except for johnson's, CWOY2J!!!!!

At 9:36 PM, Anonymous Jen said...

Dude you don't look so thin yourself! I wonder what she thought!


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