Thursday, January 19, 2006

This Blog is WORTHLESS!

So apparently there’s this thing called Technorati which, among other things, tracks the number of links to your blog and serves as a sort of blog search engine for specific topics and probably a bunch of other things that I am highly unaware of. To tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea what Technorati does, but I do think the name is kind of cool. It sounds like an Italian sports car. I’m sure everyone in New York knows what Technorati is, but, as someone so bluntly told me this week, "You're not in on the New York Scene." Anyway, this brilliant advance in human technology has been used to power this amazing calculator that now allows you to see how much your blog is worth.

I have absolutely no idea how this is formulated, since blogs are FREE. This meaning that no monetary value would be assigned to them. I am also not aware of any blogs that currently have any assets that could be credited to their Technorati value. There is no Opinionista Annuity, no Stephanie Klein Savings Bond, no TAN Treasury Bill, so how on Earth do you amass blog wealth? Traffic? Links? Sleeping with the guy who formulated this shit? Well, whatever it is, White Dade ain’t doin’ it. Upon entering my URL in their handy little box I was presented with this:

Nothing??!! Zero??!! C’mon! I mean, the picture of Graig's blind date alone is worth at least a nickel! The Andy Harnik photography? The rants about The Hag? Some of that has to be worth something! If Larry is worth 40 grand, I’ve gotta be rating at least, I don’t know, five bucks? No, no apparently my collection of words on an LCD monitor are worth less than the screen they are printed on. But this led me to wonder: How are some of the other blogs I read valued, and, more importantly, why? Some results

The Assimilated Negro (TAN) - $14,113.50. Respectable total for one of my favorites, but if this formula is indeed based on links then Patrice here is clearly the master of self-promotion. Read his blog and you’d think he had his own category on AOL.

The Daily Dump - $25,968.80. Seeing as how Dan has written about nothing but CSI for the last year, I would have to assume this is all CBS money.

The IJC - $13,548.96. This is the first guy to link me, and I’ve linked him several times as well, which I am guessing accounts for roughly half of his net worth. You’d think a Jewish guy would be able to make his blog worth more, though.

Industry Whore - $35,001.48. Wow! A 35,000 hooker? That is one expensive piece of ass. I guess the going rate in Hollywood is a little more than it is 150 miles south .

Rum & Popcorn - $0. This only seems fitting as Ali is probably the best writer out of this group. Good. It is nice to know that these values have absolutely nothing to do with talent. Which brings me to my next point…...

Manhattan Transfer - $50,808.60. Worst widely-read blog I’ve seen that does not involve celebrity gossip. Remember that rant I went on a few posts ago about things I hate about other blogs - ? Here’s your inspiration.

Tales of A Delectable Redhead - $4516.00 (EasyJournal) $7339.02 (Blogger). Okay, this one makes absolutely ZERO sense to me. The latter blog is never updated, while the first is updated daily and was linked by Gawker. Am I missing something? Alice's total net worth is around twelve grand, which leads me to believe I should start publishing White Dade in multiple formats since her content is exactly the same in both blogs. Of course, 8 times nothing is still…..well, you get the picture.

DrunkBrunch - $4516.32. Very underrated blog that has a whopping 421 profile views (this is the only stat I am able to access) since June. That’s almost as bad as me, so, again, how she is worth 32 cents more than a blog linked by Gawker?...A mystery.

Johnson 3:16 - $0. I didn’t even have to look it up. Still worth more than his last car.

This formula to me is like a blogging version of the BCS. Replace words like “linked” with “beat by 45” and “Gawker” with “Florida State” and you have a nearly identical argument. I have no idea how they figure out either one. All I know is that it makes about as much sense as it did to have Nebraska playing Miami in the Rose Bowl the year UM won it all. Come to think of it, I could probably do one of those cute “Blogger/College Football Team” comparisons that they do with Simpsons and South Park characters, but not enough people who read this would have any idea what I am talking about. Perhaps I’ll save it for next year when White Dade will be worth, without a doubt, at least a buck fifty.


At 8:48 PM, Anonymous Larry said...

My inflated sense of self-import led me to plug in my URL myself, and apparently I'm actually worth $55,000. I have absolutely no idea what this means, but I figured I'd at least set the record straight.

At 10:00 AM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

yeah, I don't know how it works. Idid a post a couple months back when I discovered the same thing. The thing is my blog's value has stayed the same ever since I first tried it, even though my links, traffic, profile have all raised considerably since ... so who knows what the variables are.

I still occasionally try to print it out and use it at the market or bank, but that has yet to work

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Betty said...

I actually used to post different things on each of them. That's why I always link to the blogger when I reference something, b/c not everything was posted concurrently.

At 10:53 AM, Blogger Betty said...

It is sad, Ali is the best writer and my permanent Trivial Pursuit partner. Boy whipped our ass on Thanksgiving, he's the human encyclopedia. And the life of the party when drunk.

At 11:19 AM, Anonymous mr. reality said...

why is betty still talking? shouldn't you be telling a candid story about your sex life to a group of guys or smoking a cigar somewhere?

At 12:55 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Larry - Sorry, that was the number I got when I plugger in your URL. Perhaps you had a banner day for value. My bad.

TAN - Still waiting on my Thank You note. Last time I give you five bucks.

Like a venerable who's who of my favorite bloggers in the comments section today. I feel validated. Perhaps I will link you guys every day.

At 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is all a very fucked up aspect of the world. What a conversation piece. Reminds me of some Northwestern English Professor teaching an entire writing course on some genius sirius something cybershit. Talk of blog value during tipsy time at the ocean club, well, I will most definitely astound old, rich drunk men and totally confuse others. What a bunch of crap!

At 4:46 PM, Blogger industry whore said...

Well, if anyone wants to buy me out, I'm game. I'll just start another one, like she did. Mine will be called called Jamie and Belle and Whore dot blogspot dot com.

At 1:54 AM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

I wish I had seen this earlier...My talent, according to some, is inversely proportional to my blog worth. Am I going to end up being a critics' darling, virtually ignored by the public? Because that would go perfectly with the binge drinking.

At 2:02 PM, Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

Oh, so sleeping with that calculator dude wouldn't improve my value? (I can't tell you how many times I've said that.)


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