The White Dade Campaign to Save Matt Johnson
Matt Johnson needs your help. Until a few months ago, the self-proclaimed “King of the One Man Party” was relegated to weekends involving a 30-pack of Stroh's and watching “NWA: The Best of the 80’s” And I ain’t talking about the the pioneering street rappers from Compton. I’m talking about Dusty Rhodes, Boogey Woogie Man Jimmy Valiant and Ric Flair. Yes, that NWA. Which you wouldn’t expect, what with Johnson being black and all. But I digress.
For most of his life, Johnson’s sexual conquests were mostly limited to black-out drunk Tavern. patrons, underage girls that his amateur porn-director uncle set him up with and waitresses at Chi Chi's. And some hideously, hideously fat women. Johnson, actually, has held the belt (an award given to the man who has slept with the fattest girl) on multiple occasions. So it was pretty obvious to everyone what would happen when a tall, leggy blonde. decided that she wanted to make poor Matt Johnson her personal plaything.
JOHNSON WAS SO EXCITED, HE GLADLY AWARDED "THE BELT" TO A NEW CHAMP
She was a former UVA football groupie (and, really, if you’re going to be a groupie, UVA?! I mean, seriously, if you are going to give up any pretense of morality and be a groupie, aka the lowest form of human life, you may as well do it for a decent team. Miami. Florida State. Texas. But Christ, UVA? Have some self respect) which should have immediately raised a red flag. As that ever so wise urban philosipher Ludacris once said “You can’t turn a ho into a housewife, ho’s don’t act right.” But facing a future of nothing but belt contenders, he ignored it. When he took a trip to Miami in November, he spent half the time he was here on the phone with her justifying himself for going to visit his friends. I had flashbacks to my coke-addict stripper girlfriend and immediately went into convulsions.
A few weeks ago they had a fight and she went out and fucked one her ex’s, most likely a UVA football player. Johnson took her back, and this is his fault. But some subscribe to the “Everyone deserves a second chance” school of thought, so we just shook our heads and let it go. Then, again, last night she apparently went out and did the same thing again. Johnson is a G-Dub fan, so perhaps he was confused when President Bus Short said “We have a saying here in Texas…Fool me once, shame on you…wait, no, fool you twice, shame on….fool me twice shame on…no, uh.” So perhaps he needs explained to him that most Americans with an IQ over 9 (aka those who are not G-dub fans) know that it’s supposed to say “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” Johnson, let her fool him twice. Shame on him.
We are all supportive of Matt Johnson. We are good friends. But, ladies and gentleman, this good black man needs your help. We cannot stand by idly and allow this woman to continue to do whatever she likes while dragging Matt Johnson through the mud. The Matt Johnson I know is a strong individual who would not let a woman drive him to a weekend of drinking Gilbey’s and watching Wrestlemanias I-XIX. Perhaps a UM football loss, but not a woman. He needs your help. He needs to know that while it’s tough to find anything over a 4 to have sex with, jerking it to Skinemax is a hell of a lot better than what this bitch is doing to him. He needs to know that being single is great. No more drunken arguments, no more fending off asshole UVA football players, no more stress, no more justifying visits to your friends. No, he won’t get laid nearly as much as he’d like to, but ultimately he will enjoy life a lot more than he did when he was with a girl that didn’t treat him well.
So, Blogosphere, I am asking for your help. No money is required, just a simple visit to his blog, or mine, and leaving some advice in the comments section telling him that this girl is no good for him. Together, I know that we can save Matt Johnson.
Thank you for your support.