Why Are You In My Office?
For Amy A:
Why are you in my office? I mean, I know you are technically my boss and I guess it says somewhere in my job description that I am supposed to, like, do stuff you ask me to do, but seriously, why are you here? You have some sort of project for me to do? Are you kidding? I mean, it’s not like you have given me more than 30 minutes worth of work to do in the last month, why are you expecting me to start now? See, here’s the thing: I got here at 7:30, like I am supposed to. Never mind that I was out until 3 AM last night, I still pulled my ass out of bed at 6:30 so I could be here on time. It is now 10:30, and you are just now getting around to telling me you want me to do actual work? I don’t think so, pal. You can’t just spring work on me like this. I have things to do. And I’m hungover. Possibly still drunk.
Look, I’m already multitasking my ass off right now. I’m in the middle of an intense game of Texas Hold ‘Em, not to mention the fierce eMail war I am having with my friend in San Jose over whether or not Tom Brady deserves to be called a “great” quarterback. Yes, that would explain all the typing. I’m IM-ing High School kids in Pittsburgh and text messaging this girl I met at Pawn Shop on Saturday. Impressive, I know. After that I’ve gotta pay my FPL and my cell phone, buy Motley Crue tickets and list all the Christmas presents I didn’t want on eBay. Then there are like 15 blogs I have to read this morning, because I got really behind on that over the Holidays. Yes, they’re all in New York, but what does that matter? God, that reminds me I have to look into airfare to Manhattan for when I go up there in June. And you know I have a blog, right? Like, if I don’t post something at least every weekday I’ll lose all my traffic. And we don’t want that, do we? And, you know, since I don’t have a computer at home, I have to do all this stuff while I’m here or it just isn’t gonna get done.
What’s that? You just want my “help” with something? How dare you, sir! How dare you display the unmitigated gall to ask me to pick up your slack because you can’t finish a project on time. Isn’t that what they’re paying you for? I'm not your lackey. I really have a lot of things I need to accomplish before I punch out at 5, okay, quarter to five, today and I promised my friend that I would meet him on the Beach for lunch. So this isn’t going to interfere with that, is it? Because if it is, really, you are going to have to wait.
No, seriously, why are you in my office? Please don’t come over here again, I’ve got personal phone calls to make while I’m here. My daytime minutes are up. My boy in Cleveland who I haven’t talked to in like a year drunk dialed me last night and my mom still needs my neck size for that shirt she’s making. And then, you know, I gotta smooth things over with the girlfriend after that huge fight we had last night. So if I can manage to do all that other stuff, and pacify her, I’ll see what I can do. But I’m not promising anything.
Maybe if you gave me more to do on a regular basis, I wouldn’t have found all these other things to effectively occupy my time while I’m here. But now? Well, chief, now these things take priority over whatever it is you have decided to bring to my attention. So I really can’t be bothered with whatever “company related business” you have deemed necessary for my completion today. If I see you heading towards my office again, I may feel the sudden need to go to the bathroom. Or the vending machine. Or home. Thanks, and can you do me a favor tell the guys in IT that the internet is running slow? What's up with that?