Tuesday, January 10, 2006

You've All Heard The One About Fat Girls and Mopeds


My friend, he is one of those high standards guys. He is, in fact, the guy who sent the picture that inspired yesterday’s rant. Though not condescending towards those of us that choose to indulge in the pleasures of somewhat fleshy females form time to time, he certainly considers himself above it. So when his barber set him up on a blind date (and, really your barber? I mean, maybe your gay hair stylist, but your barber?) with a girl that was first described to my friend as, “Maybe, like thirty-ish,” I knew he was in for an unusual ride. Upon his mentioning that his last girlfriend had been 37 (he is 25) it was immediately disclosed that she was around 35. Or so. “Or so,” loosely translated, means “add 1-3 years.” She was also described as thick but not fat, with red hair, a large chest and a big ass. So, upon my misguided advice (“Dude, she’s in her thirties and has red hair. She’s gotta be good in bed”), my boy took the proverbial plunge and agreed to meet this apparently well marbled, aged to perfection lady for drinks at the Kendall Ale House.

The Ale House is a perennial hangout for all of the West Dade All-Stars on any given Wednesday-Sunday. Why this Florida chain restaurant featuring mediocre food and dirty bar lines is so massively popular among the young-and-Cuban set is beyond me, but suffice to say when my friend arrived it was wall to wall people. He sauntered up to the bar, ordered himself a Guinness, and waited. He briefly considered leaving when a large, red-haired girl stepped up right next to him at the bar. He was disgusted, but as he saw her pull out her cell phone, he knew immediately who she was going to call. “Is your name Beth?” he asked her, hopefully, When she replied in the affirmative his heart sank. Not that he hadn’t been expecting this, given the description, but his worst fears had now been realized. He was on a date with a fat chick.

Now, in his defense, he did not know that she would be hideous. So taking her to a popular local hangout did not seem like such a bad idea. But after exchanging a few pleasantries with this red-headed behemoth, my friend looked across the bar and saw just about the last thing anybody on a date with a fat girl wants to see. It was his friend Frenchy’s neighbor, flanked by said neighbor’s girlfriend, flanked by Fenchy. All staring, eyes agape, at my friend and his metabolically challenged escort. They all looked over at him and smiled that “Man, we are gonna give you so much shit for this later” kind of smile that you fear when being caught in the amorous presence of an oversized female.

Were this not bad enough, as my friend sat down at a table another familiar face approached him. “Hey, what’s up, bro? Remember me? I’m H-Law’s roommate! She’s around here somewhere if you want to say hello.” H-Law is a co-worker of my friend’s that he had sex with on occasion just because he could, though he found her to be one of the single most annoying people he had ever met and eventually cut things off. And while her opinion is about as relevant to him as that of your average third grader, he certainly was not looking forward to a girl that he had rejected seeing that he was, in fact, out with a girl roughly twice her size. “Oh, I get it now. I was too SKINNY for you. Well, I’m sorry, I like you but you’re definitely not worth putting on a hundred pounds for.” It would only serve to inflate her already overpuffed ego. Although I suppose an overpuffed ego is still preferable to an overpuffed ass.

Were the presence of two good friends and an ex-fuck buddy not enough, as he continued to draw out this super-sized fiasco he felt a brush against his left shoulder. He turned around he saw yet another one of his friends, known as Brain, walking past his table. Brain turned his head slightly over his shoulder, gave him the smile of shit, then turned back around and joined Frenchy at the bar. The friends left shortly afterward, making sure to scream goodbye at the top of their lungs to him as they walked out the door. Just so he knew that they knew that he would be getting chided for this as soon as he dared to pick up his cell phone.

Now, I have made no secret of the fact that I have had some thoroughly unattractive women in my time. But I have never been on a date with any of them. That is to say the only people who saw me with my great white whales were whatever random bar patrons happened to be frequenting the Tavern on that particular evening. And I take a small amount of ironic pride in being able to stomach such nastiness. So, I would like to pose the question: Which is more embarrassing? Sleeping with a fat girl and admitting it or being spotted by half of your known acquaintances on a date with a girl who could play Leonardo DiCaprio’s mother, but not touching her?

Please offer your opinions freely. I will relay the results to my friend.


At 7:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is an easy one for sure.

What's the reason for sleeping with a fat chick? Its not their fat rolls or personality that you desire...its a part of their anatomy that rhymes with the fine Canadian city Regina.

Dating someone means you hang out with them because you enjoy their company and find them attractive. You want to discover if you'd like to "be" with them. This is INCREDIBLY EMBARASSING if a fat chick satisfies these criteria.

Everyone's hooked up w/a nasty girl--the end result for you is the same as w/a hot girl. But conciously and soberly investing time, money, and effort in spending quality time should be laughed at for decades.

Cape Town, South Africa

At 12:28 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

No win situation in my book. However, I think I'd rather be seen with the fat chick than actually screw the fat chick. Why? Because later on you can use the excuse of "it was a blind date" where as if you screw her, you really have no excuse at all. Okay, I have witnessed the Trez first hand and will say, you have been mighty drunk, I have pictures and video to prove it. Then again, you kinda own having sex with fat girls like black people own the word nigga. They took something that was frowned upon and made it sortof their thang. Unfortunatly for you, I wonder when you will stop "owning" the fat girls and settle on owning something that in the publics eye is more acceptable.

Back to the orginal question though. If you put yourself in the situation of talking it over with your boys, I think they would be less disgusted with the fact that you were seen with a fatty mcfatterson, then the fact you actually banged, and I mean banged one to the point of breaking ones bed. And really, life really is what other people think, which is unfortunate. Gerg 1 - Wehttam 0

At 11:34 AM, Blogger Betty said...

I have been on dates with socially incompetent men. I dated a stutterer (?) once and I had to get him drunk to understand a god damn word he was saying. Not to mention he seem to have diarrhea of the mouth, he would say the most inane things. He was extremely attractive, but I got "I feel sorry for you" stares on the subway when he would open his mouth. It was so embarrassing! 3 dates later I ditched him.

At 7:30 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Wow! Ladies and Gentlemen WORLD LEADERS are chiming in here on White Dade. You better jump on this banwagon before it gets rolling too fast!

Should virgins be allowed to comment on this topic?

And Betty raises an interesting question: Would you rather be seen on the subway with a stutterer or wake up in bed next to him/her? I think the brunch the next day would be the hardest part.


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