Cheating Isn't Wrong, It's Just a Pain in the Ass
You’re a male, you’re in your twenties, and you are not a eunuch, a homosexual or a Mormon. So, naturally, your entire existence is devoted to sticking your dick in as many women as possible. There’s no problem with that, it is just how guys are at this age. But why, when you are a young, excessively horny guy, would you make such an egregious error as to saddle yourself with a girlfriend? I know there are advantages, like regular sex and the occasional batch of homemade cookies, but if you’re committed to one person, you are really limiting your sexual opportunities. “But White Dade,” you say, “I can just cheat. I mean, you’ve done it, why shouldn’t I?” Why? Because cheating is an unnecessary pain in the ass, that’s why.
Now, I have cheated on girlfriends in the past, I admit it. And I feel no particular remorse for it, since I never actually got caught. What I do regret is dealing with all the relationship bullshit when, deep down, I knew all I wanted to do was get with as many girls as possible. My objection is not to cheating, it is to being in a relationship in the first place.
Here’s the difference: I go out, get wasted and end up waking up next to a girl that could contend for the WWE Tag Team Championship. By herself. I shake my head, take a shower, make up an excuse why she needs to leave, and laugh about it with by friends over some Stroh’s that evening. If I had a girlfriend? I wake up in a panic, rush the fatty out of the house, have an hour long conversation with my girlfriend about why I didn’t return her phone calls/text messages last night and this morning, wash my sheets, take a shower that includes, but is not limited to, full-body exfoliation, triple washing of hair and possibly bleach cleaner, process my bedroom like a Gil Grissom Crime Scene, contact all of my friends to shore up my alibi, and check their blogs to make sure nobody has mentioned it. Not to mention all the conversation editing that has to be done should your boys and your girlfriend happen to cross paths. Why on Earth would you want to create such an unnecessary headache?
So I know the obvious answer here is: “Duh, dude. Regular sex.” Okay, great, you get to have relationship sex three times a week. While that certainly beats jerking it to "Hotel Erotica," I’ll take my astro-glide and soft-core over combing my duvet for blonde hairs any day. Slump and all. Unless your girlfriend doesn’t mind you hooking up with the random bar skank and occasional prostitute, a relationship will only serve to complicate your life. Because it is not only sexual encounters that you have to cover up, but all the other things that your typical 25-year-old male does that girlfriends may not want them doing: Late nights at dance clubs, expensive nights at strip clubs, cruises to Bermuda, things like that.
The only time I will ever be in another relationship is if the girl makes me not want to sleep with anyone else. If she’s exponentially better (looking) than most anyone out there, what is possibly to be gained by cheating in that situation? Padding your stats? A friend of mine told me recently that “The Thrill is in fucking the new girl.” Agreed, 100%. That thrill is extremely hard to replace, so it would take a very special girl to do that. Which is why I stay single.
I think guys feign commitment and then cheat because they fear not getting any more sex from their booty call. Once a girl brings up the “R” word, they have visions of endless dry spells and forgettable nights with forgettable women, so they half-heartedly agree to be “exclusive.” Gents, I am in the middle of slump and as not-fun as it is, all in all life is still pretty damn good. So when you have that “I can’t keep doing this unless I get some kind of commitment,” conversation, save yourself months worth of aggravation and tell her “Sorry, I really just wanna keep fucking around.” Perhaps not in so many words, but you get the idea. And if that means no more sex, well, then she’s the one missing out. Women are like busses; You miss one, another one comes along in five minutes. Or six months. Whatever.
Again, am I ever going to be that guy telling his friend “I don’t know, Dude, you shouldn’t go home with that girl. You have a girlfriend?” Never. I am, however, that guy who will say, “Why are you getting into a relationship? Aren’t we going to Tijuana next month?” I encourage promiscuity, and I discourage relationships. You’re in your twenties, why the fuck not?