Saturday, February 25, 2006

Cheating Isn't Wrong, It's Just a Pain in the Ass

You’re a male, you’re in your twenties, and you are not a eunuch, a homosexual or a Mormon. So, naturally, your entire existence is devoted to sticking your dick in as many women as possible. There’s no problem with that, it is just how guys are at this age. But why, when you are a young, excessively horny guy, would you make such an egregious error as to saddle yourself with a girlfriend? I know there are advantages, like regular sex and the occasional batch of homemade cookies, but if you’re committed to one person, you are really limiting your sexual opportunities. “But White Dade,” you say, “I can just cheat. I mean, you’ve done it, why shouldn’t I?” Why? Because cheating is an unnecessary pain in the ass, that’s why.

Now, I have cheated on girlfriends in the past, I admit it. And I feel no particular remorse for it, since I never actually got caught. What I do regret is dealing with all the relationship bullshit when, deep down, I knew all I wanted to do was get with as many girls as possible. My objection is not to cheating, it is to being in a relationship in the first place.

Here’s the difference: I go out, get wasted and end up waking up next to a girl that could contend for the WWE Tag Team Championship. By herself. I shake my head, take a shower, make up an excuse why she needs to leave, and laugh about it with by friends over some Stroh’s that evening. If I had a girlfriend? I wake up in a panic, rush the fatty out of the house, have an hour long conversation with my girlfriend about why I didn’t return her phone calls/text messages last night and this morning, wash my sheets, take a shower that includes, but is not limited to, full-body exfoliation, triple washing of hair and possibly bleach cleaner, process my bedroom like a Gil Grissom Crime Scene, contact all of my friends to shore up my alibi, and check their blogs to make sure nobody has mentioned it. Not to mention all the conversation editing that has to be done should your boys and your girlfriend happen to cross paths. Why on Earth would you want to create such an unnecessary headache?

So I know the obvious answer here is: “Duh, dude. Regular sex.” Okay, great, you get to have relationship sex three times a week. While that certainly beats jerking it to "Hotel Erotica," I’ll take my astro-glide and soft-core over combing my duvet for blonde hairs any day. Slump and all. Unless your girlfriend doesn’t mind you hooking up with the random bar skank and occasional prostitute, a relationship will only serve to complicate your life. Because it is not only sexual encounters that you have to cover up, but all the other things that your typical 25-year-old male does that girlfriends may not want them doing: Late nights at dance clubs, expensive nights at strip clubs, cruises to Bermuda, things like that.

The only time I will ever be in another relationship is if the girl makes me not want to sleep with anyone else. If she’s exponentially better (looking) than most anyone out there, what is possibly to be gained by cheating in that situation? Padding your stats? A friend of mine told me recently that “The Thrill is in fucking the new girl.” Agreed, 100%. That thrill is extremely hard to replace, so it would take a very special girl to do that. Which is why I stay single.

I think guys feign commitment and then cheat because they fear not getting any more sex from their booty call. Once a girl brings up the “R” word, they have visions of endless dry spells and forgettable nights with forgettable women, so they half-heartedly agree to be “exclusive.” Gents, I am in the middle of slump and as not-fun as it is, all in all life is still pretty damn good. So when you have that “I can’t keep doing this unless I get some kind of commitment,” conversation, save yourself months worth of aggravation and tell her “Sorry, I really just wanna keep fucking around.” Perhaps not in so many words, but you get the idea. And if that means no more sex, well, then she’s the one missing out. Women are like busses; You miss one, another one comes along in five minutes. Or six months. Whatever.

Again, am I ever going to be that guy telling his friend “I don’t know, Dude, you shouldn’t go home with that girl. You have a girlfriend?” Never. I am, however, that guy who will say, “Why are you getting into a relationship? Aren’t we going to Tijuana next month?” I encourage promiscuity, and I discourage relationships. You’re in your twenties, why the fuck not?


At 7:32 PM, Anonymous carissa said...

guys should be screwing around in their twenties. it will get old in time and then, someday, maybe they'll fall in love and see why they would want to be in a relationship. personally, i dont think that's until men are about 40-ish. and why i have noooo desire to date young guys. even when they profess their undying love for you - there is always someone around the corner or at least someone on the corner that they can have a good time with - as they should. at least you can admit it. i think when you meet someone special there is something inexplicable that makes you want to be with only them. its worth waiting for. otherwise, i feel guys just fall into relationships and because of inertia, they find themselves married. and then - they cheat. maybe im cynical or maybe, im right! or maaaaybe, i work with a lot of married men.

At 10:30 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Go forth and sew those oats!!

At 1:08 AM, Blogger nicole said...

Wow, that "women are like buses" comment was pretty danged harsh, Dade. Jebus!

Anywho, I'm all for a guy being true to himself simply because he won't be wasting MY time. Don't act all interested in me, constantly ring my phone and be all up in my grill every 5 minutes then turn around and make up 97 excuses for why you don't want a relationship. If your main goal is the poon then just man up and SAY it's the poon!

Just realize that you won't be scoring that poon from ME.

At 1:29 AM, Anonymous eric said...

Women are like busses; They don't give change.

that sounds better. But the way I see it, if your someone who is into the thrill of telling your friends that you've banged everything on your block then your probably a sad lonely individual to begin with and really are in no way ready for a monogamous relationship, so spare yourself and someone else the time and let them know ahead of time your looking for a screw not a hook up. The thing is you'd be surprised how many of the opposite sex are looking for the same as you.

At 3:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok, i want to for once defend the "you're just a loser if you discuss your hook-ups" attitude. I for one, in 25 years, have never had a male, nor female if they're close enough to me, say "Hey, I don't want to hear about your hook up story!" It's a significant factor in both male, (and probably even more so female), bonding. Sex is such a large part of our lives, and our friends are just as important, so why is it a "dickhead" move to discuss certain experiences with each other. Bragging and degrading are one thing, discussing is completely another. Lets be honest, hearing about other sexual experiences and relationships from peers is the most significant way for us to put our own relationships and sex lives in perspective. If we all thought it was wrong, or inappropriate, then lets discuss Sex and the City's popularity. I don't necessarily want to say that this is something brought up by Eric or anyone else recently, but more so of a compilation of opinions over a course of time on this blog (including WD). We all love sex, and discussing it just as much, so lets stop criminalizing it. Why? Cause you do it too!

At 9:07 AM, Blogger Mrs. LeBlanc said...

Cruises to Bermuda? Last-minute trips to Tijuana?! Why can't I be a single, cock-sure, 25-year-old man? Whyyyy?!

Although, the assured lovin' is not as boring as it may seem. ;)

At 8:39 PM, Blogger Tara said...

“Why are you getting into a relationship? Aren’t we going to Tijuana next month?”

You also wouldn't want to start a new career before going on vacation either. Careers and relationships aren't exactly the same thing, of course, but they are two very important transitions one can't just jump into.

At 2:57 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Carissa - No you're right. I agree completely. You know who's a perfect example of that? Mark McGrath.

Angel - Thank you for your blessing

Nicole - I don't think that's harsh at all. you could just as easily replace "women" with "men' and it would still be totally aplpicable. Your innertia comment is exactly what I was trying to express. That is a miserable life way too many peopel get into and probably why our divorce rate is so high.

Eric - Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I would be surprised since at this point I am pretty much convinced the only women in Miami who want ot have sex spend their evenings on the northern part of Biscayne Boulevard.

Anon - Nice to hear the other side. But bragging is still quite distasteful.

Polyanna - Welcome to White Dade, I hope you find yourself as entertianed and mildly offended as the rest of the female readers.

Tara - No, I wouldn't do that either. Of course, having a new job and going to TJ has less severe concequences than having a new girlfriend and going to TJ.

At 3:56 PM, Blogger coloradohurricane said...

It takes a rare girl to make me settle for mongamy

At 4:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Regarding the bragging issue: Where do you distinguish between talking about sex with your friends/peers, and bragging? Or are they always one in the same?

At 4:28 PM, Blogger mrshife said...

Play the field my friend. Enjoy it while you can.

At 4:58 PM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

Women are like buses: if you can't sit down, there better be a strap you can hold on to.

I don't know what that means...

At 9:19 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

CH - I've met a few, but, you know, none of them agreed

Anon - Easy. Braggin is when you tell me and I don't ask you. If I say, "Hey, did you get some last night?" fire away. But if you come into athe bar and say "yo, I fucked the HOTTEST girl last night," my Jackass radar will go off and I will immediately stop listening and start watching the O'Reiley Factor without sound on the TV.

Shife - And here I thought you were happily married.

MPants - Who am I to scoff at the odd non-sequitor?

At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry dude but thats a TERRIBLE definition of bragging. Unsolicited comments are bragging? If the only conversations we had were in Q&A format, I probably wouldn't hang out w/you anymore b/c it would be kinda dumb. Its all in the WAY its handled--are you telling your buddy something interesting or is it to make yourself look good?

If you happen to have a threesome with Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley, I for one would be pissed if you didn't mention it as I would appreciate hearing that great story.

Self-depreciation and humility are excellent qualities, but its OK to succeed and talk about it (but not proclaim to the masses that you are a god to women, etc). You go so far to celebrate the awful (underdogs, fat chicks) that you forget that there's nothing wrong with the finer things, as long as they're enjoyed with a healthy attitude. Freakin' idiot.


At 3:04 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

What the fuck are you complaining about? I tihnk I ask you about your sex life every time I see you? to tell the truth, I think you are the model of what a guy who bangs hot chicks/chicks that are phenominal in bed should be like. YOu manage to convey your sexual success without sounding like you are bragging. Not sure how you do it, but perhaps you can offer a class called "subtly letting people know you did indeed hit that without sounding like a jackass."

At 4:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude i wasn't complaining - just making a point for all those fine fellas bursting at the seams to tell their buddies about their latest chick but think to themselves...what would WD do (WWWDD?) and holding it inside.

Thanks for the compliment, I'm just messing w/you anyways! this comments board isn't the same w/o the random insults being hurled everywhere...


Post a Comment

<< Home