Thursday, February 16, 2006

Gold is Better Than Sex

I have had this debate with countless women from time to time and it is a topic of great passion for me: Which Show is Better, Golden Girls or Sex and The City? Most guys I know vote overwhelmingly for Golden Girls, although I think this is more in backlash to the latter program’s overwhelming popularity with women they date rather than an affinity for quippy old women. After all, no girl is going to make you have some sort of complex “relationship” discussion after hearing a story that begins "Back in St. Olaf….” This, along with many other reasons, is why I too am squarely in the Golden Girls camp.

Don’t get me wrong. I like “Sex and the City.” It is smart, subtly funny and certainly much raunchier than any other sitcom I’ve seen. That being said, it would never have existed if it weren’t for the Golden Girls. Most young women I know, at least ones who are too young to know who Brandon Tartakoff is, can’t comprehend how ahead of it’s time the show was, and therefore discount it as antiquated and corny. So being the extremely amateur pop-culture critic that I am, I will take this one step further and break down, category-by-category, why Golden Girls is better. Kind of like before the Super Bowl where they compare each team’s attributes side by side and give one the advantage, but instead of Matt Hasselbeck vs. Ben Roethlisberger, we will be discussing Carrie Bradshaw vs. Dorothy Zbornak.

PROMISCUOUS GIRL – Samantha Jones vs. Blanche Devereaux
Yes, Kim Cattrall is much better looking than Rue McClanahan . But we are not talking about physical appearance here, are we? No, otherwise this would be a stupid discussion. Anybody who wouldn’t prefer the least-attractive “Sex” girl (Miranda) ahead of the hottest Golden Girl (I’m not even touching this one) is probably a sick, sick individual. Or 90. No, we are talking about quality of characters. And as far as that goes, Blanche is a much more accurate depiction of a promiscuous female than Samantha. Blanche’s character is outwardly confident with men, but her underlying insecurities and low-self esteem are displayed on many occasions. Most overly promiscuous women I know have these attributes in spades. Samantha, on the other hand, rarely shows an ounce of motivation for her behavior, and never has to suffer any of the social ramifications of being promiscuous. And while in a perfect world she wouldn’t have to, the sad fact is that women who are notoriously promiscuous are not taken seriously in many real-world professional situations. That is why Samantha is an unrealistic character, while Blanche captures the true essence of what a woman who is in need of constant male attention is like. ADVANTAGE: BLANCHE, GOLDEN GIRLS

NAÏVE GIRL – Charlotte York vs. Rose Nylund
This one is way too easy. Have you ever fallen down laughing at anything Charlotte had to say? Of course not. Can Charlotte tap dance? Does she have an inexplicable competitive steak? Would she steal a teddy bear from a little girl? No. Charlotte tries to come off classy but is really more of a closet harlet. But unlike Samantha, she won't own up to it. She slept with a movie star and has the #2 man count on the show, if you pay attention. You never see Rose hooking up with Bob Hope, do you? And Charlotte is wholly unable to come up with any amusing anecdotes from her childhood on a farm in Minnesota. ADVANTAGE: ROSE, GOLDEN GIRLS

PROTAGONIST – Dorothy Zbornak vs. Carrie Bradshaw
Dorothy is smart, graceful and funny. But she is played by Bea Arthur. Carrie is annoying, does stupid, senseless things and can’t stay away from her ex. Both characters sometimes do things that absolutely make me cringe, but they also hold their shows together. I think Dorothy being smart and finally dumping Stan (and marrying Leslie Neilson – how much did they have to pay him to kiss Bea Arthur on camera?) gets her the nod. ADVANTAGE: DOROTHY, GOLDEN GIRLS

LEFT OVER CHARACTER- Miranda Hobbs vs. Sophia Patrillo
Hmmmmm….Questionably lesbian redhead who’s only comedic scenes came when she was pregnant, or bitingly sarcastic mean old lady who provides half the punchlines to the entire show. This is the easiest one of all. ADVANTAGE: SOPHIA, GOLDEN GIRLS

PERPETUAL EX – Mr. Big vs. Stan Zbornak
Stan is a lying, cheating, balding, desparate middle aged man exhibiting signs of his midlife crisis like they were billboards on the side of the interstate. Mr. Big is rich, arrogant, and, more often than not, just plain pathetic. She doesn’t want you anymore, get the hint, you idiot. Yes, I know they ended up together at the end of the show, but only after he pathetically chased her half way around the world. Stan, on the other hand, drives Dorothy to her wedding on the series finale, gives her his blessing, and rides off into the sunset with his dignity in tact. Admitting defeat like a man, and finally showing some class after seven seasons. And, really, can you argue with the guy who invented the “Zborney?’ ADVANTAGE: STAN, GOLDEN GIRLS

CREATOR: SUSAN HARRIS VS. CANDACE BUSHNELL
Susan Harris was one of the most prolific champions for breast cancer in the 1980’s, raising millions of dollars for research. Candace Bushnell? I think she may have written a book or something after “Sex” became popular. Great contribution to society. ADVANTAGE: SUSAN HARRIS, GOLDEN GIRLS

LOCATION: New York vs. Miami
“Sex” would have you believe New York is the most fabulous place in the world to live. Eh. I felt it was sort of like Jacksonville with taller buildings and no beach. There's nothing particualry awful about New York, but nothing all that impressive either. Miami, on the other hand, is a sunny tropical paradise with world class restaurants, nightlife and beaches. And despite the fact that Golden Girls is set in such a wonderful city, they don’t make a big deal of it save for one memorable song. They left the over-Miamifying to Crockett and Tubbs. ADVANTAGE: MIAMI, GOLDEN GIRLS

Well, looks like that’s a clean sweep for the girls from South Florida, doesn’t it?. Was there ever even a doubt? And they didn’t have to use profanity or nudity to get ratings (because I know a Bea Arthur nude scene would have done wonders during sweeps week). If I’ve offended any of you, I apologize. But you’ll get over it. And if you don’t, WHO CARES! WE’RE GONNA MEET BURT REYNOLDS!!!!!!!

25 Comments:

At 7:15 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Funny thing about those Golden Girls..I've never told a guy about this ever, but when I went to see some friends a few years back, we all got a hotel and gathered round the TV to watch stuff. We stumbled upon a porno and laughed so hard we couldn't catch our breath. After awhile we decided to change the channel and the first show we saw was "Golden Girls". They helped us pull ourselves together. Viva Golden Girls".

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Oops, I meant Viva Los Golden Girls.

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Blanche Devereaux. A true southerner!

 
At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Golden Girls is so much better than any show currently on t.v. that's it not even funny. "Picture it, Sicily, 1912..." The only show that currently gives Golden Girls a run for its money is 24 but I'm sure that even Jack Bauer would fall for the charms of a Rose Nylund story about St. Olaf.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Well fucking done. That was a very convincing argument.

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Tara - I am honored you chose me as the guy with which to share this secret. Don't worry, no one reads this blog, so it is safe. How do you "stumble" on a porno at a hotel? You have to order those. Did someone slip and acisentally land on the "order" button. And that is the only time I ever wish to see "porno" and "golden girls" in the same paragraph.

Angel - Peoepl ask me why I love Southern girls so much. I think you just explained it for me.

Johnson - I believe Bea Arthur could kick Jack Bauer's ass.

Betty - Thank you, but in your case I think it is really preaching to the choir.

 
At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, the Golden Girls lived in Boca Raton, not Miami, so boo for Broward and boo for you stating they lived in Miami.

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - I don't usually respond to comments immediately, but that is without a doubt the most idiotic comment i have ever gotten.
1. Thye make hundreds of references to them living Miami in the show (so many I could wirte a whole post on that alone), and I believe in the Pilot a COM in uniform (played by Designing Women's Meshach Taylor) comes to the door.

2. Boca is in Palm Beach County. Miami is in Dade County. Where on Earth are you coming up with Broward? Have you seen the name of this blog? It ain't "White Broward." You are a moron, or, at the very least, wholly unfamiliar with The Golden Girls and South Florida geography.

2.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

Brilliant! And one more for Golden Girls, guys never have to call "no homo" after watching it. I'm just sayin'.

 
At 3:34 PM, Anonymous marissa said...

That was seriously, brilliant. Thank you.

 
At 3:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Golden Girls also gave us the definitive Miami anthem (sorry Will Smith)

"Miami, Miami, you've got style
Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile"

Johnson

 
At 4:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

...a great place for a seafood meal!


Edward James Olmos
Star of "Boca Vice"

 
At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

southern girls suck by the way. they are phony and the accent loses its appeal after 5 minutes and becomes EXTREMELY annoying. in this instance (and this one only) i prefer the new york attitude over the fake southern charm.

Antonio Banderas
Star of "Boca Rhapsody"

 
At 7:03 PM, Anonymous jenjen said...

jenjen or glory days?
Monarch Beach or Palos Verdes Peninsula?
Glory Days was canned yesterday. Why not me?

btw anon....that's gross.

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

DB/Marissa - Thanks for the shoutouts. My mom agrees with you wholeheartedly

Johnosn & Edward - I have that song on CD somewhere, seiously

Antonio - That is a matter of opion. Like girls in California and Miami are full of honesty?

JJ - JenJen, Monarch Beach, and GD got CANNED? No more tales of banging AirCal girls back when he "was a swinging bachelor?" Oh, whatever will you do? Sorry to hear VitaHealth didn't make it.

 
At 7:15 PM, Anonymous jenjen said...

Knowing your affection for Golden Girls, it was the highlite of day 2 in NY to see Rue McClanahan as Madame Morrible, knowing very well that my drunk dial could hardly wait. Couldn't figure out the rest of the night why I could only think of Blanche Devereaux forgetting I had even been to the theatre at all, let alone talked to you. Good thing I was sharing a hotel room. I may have thrown up in the morning for god awful reason, but I have to say Blanche is all right. I would bang her over Miranda...i think.

 
At 9:28 PM, Blogger nicole said...

It's funny that you mention both of these shows as my friends and I have already figured out which of us would be which character. Suffice it to say that within both casts, I am always the tall, sarcastic, dry wit, i.e., Miranda and Dorothy.

And I wear my badge proudly!

 
At 2:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

finally! this is a post in the making for too many years...

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

JJ - Wait, Blanche eand JenJen and Rockstar sex? Best porno image I've had all week

Nicole - Now that you mentoin it, those two charcters are probably more alike than Carrie and Dorothy. God, now I have to go through and redo the whole thing.

Anon - Thanks.

 
At 1:29 AM, Blogger coloradohurricane said...

Call me a entertainmentally challenged- I think I only watched Golden Girls a few times, and have never seen sex and the city

 
At 5:05 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

CH, you totally, totally missed out. Luckily for you we have synidication and Lifetime.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger Hipster Pit said...

Golden Girls deserves all the accolades you can write here, and then some. BRAVO!

 
At 10:13 PM, Blogger David said...

I do love me some Blanche Deveraux. Bea Arthur, however, will always be my special someone.

 
At 1:27 AM, Blogger dianne_lone said...

I love golden girls.. and it is definitely better than sex and the city. my bf from webdate and I watch this series always.. we both love it... Gold is definitely better than sex.

 
At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know you wrote this a few years ago, and I agree with almost everything you said. Golden Girls is a much better show than Sex and the City. But, as a New Yorker myself, I do not think you can make that kind of argument about Miami v. New York.New York is an amazing city and maybe arguably the best place to live in the world. A lot of people would disagree with your assessment.

 

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