The Great Christmas Card Caper of 2005
Our Christmas card for 2005 received some phenomenal responses:
“I have this up in my cube right now, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to move it. I think I am going to lose my lunch.” – JenJen, former co-worker of mine in California
“I got this and I had no idea who it was from. I thought it was one of those charity ‘Thank You’ holiday cards from one of these charities Frank gives to, and I was like ’Is Frank giving money to the retards again?’” - Frank’s fiancée
“I had it up on my fridge for three days and my dad came in and ripped it down saying ‘Who is this ugly motherfucker? I’m tired of looking at him!’” – Psycho Ryan
“What the fuck is that? He looks like a grouper.” –My friend Jessica upon seeing the card at The Tavern
“My mom made me take it off the refrigerator because she said she couldn’t eat while looking at it” – Miss K (The Hag suggested that this recurring theme of loss of appetite could be marketed as “The Palmetto Bay Diet.” All you needed was Graig’s face on that card, and all of a sudden a chocolate bar just didn’t seem so appealing)
It was, perhaps, the worst picture ever taken of anyone, ever. Imagine a white head on a black background that looks something like a cross between a pug, a grouper and a cherub. Now imagine he just got punched in the jaw. Now imagine he has a giant goiter on the right side of his face. Now imagine it ten times worse. That would be an improvement. The picture was so bad that Graig requested all copies and files of it be destroyed, which immediately led to its placement on our cell phones as his identifying icon. I showed it to every group of people we met in public (“hey, you wanna see a really horrible picture of this guy?”) I showed it to a girl we met at Penn St. who proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend making fun of him and hooking up with me. Graig did not take this too kindly to this and gave me a few choice words on the trip back.
It was not long afterward that the Hag and I were sitting in our living room looking at the framed copy of the picture we have hanging up, when one of us said, “You know what we should do? We should put that picture on a Christmas card and send it to everyone we know." Then the other piped up, “You know what else we should do? We should make an eCard and send it to everyone on his mass email list.” What better way to wish everyone a Merry Christmas than from a Pug/Grouper/Cherub with a goiter on his cheek? Who just got punched in the jaw. The Hag came up with two designs, one a religious theme for the paper card with the picture and a caption reading:
“If The Baby Jesus Looked Like This, Would we Really Be Celebrating?”
The other, a more holiday-oriented one for the e-card sent to his entire email list, read:
“Yes, That’s Definitely Mistletoe. Why isn’t Anybody Kissing Me?”
Cards were mailed all over the country while the e-card was sent to the exact people you would not want to see a photo this bad: An ex-girlfriend in Tallahassee, his entire group of local friends, a girl he liked at his place of employment, and probably a few other people whose impression of him is rather important. When Graig was alerted to the e-card by his office crush, he found that it was sent from an email address that appeared to be The Mormon, the man who actually took the photo. He played along for the betterment of the joke. Those Mormons, they are so agreeable
We came clean to graig last week, and I agreed not to post the picture on my blog as part of my apology. For those of you in the Miami area who would like to see the card, however, it can be viewed just to the left of the cash register at Tavern in The Grove , 3416 Main Hwy. in Coconut Grove. For the rest of you, well, should we ever meet, I carry a copy of it with me everywhere I go in my cell phone. All you have to do is ask..
And since Graig complains that I never put up good pictures of him on my blog, here is one that better captures the superior muscle tone and boyish good looks of one Graigory Scott Smith (left):