Have Fun With Those Kids, I'll Be in France
My stance on children is pretty well known to everyone who’s ever had more than a ten minute conversation with me: I think they are a colossal waste of time. If you like kids and want to have them, fine. It’s a free country, and that is your right. But there are a lot of us out there who just flat out don’t ever want children. And I am among them. I have outlined my disdain for the younger class here before, so no need to go into another anti-child tirade, but yesterday Tom Leykis hipped me to a couple of studies that validate my point of view in ways I never could.
The first article, from Web MD, basically states that parents are generally more depressed than people without kids. Hmmmm, think this might have something to do with the childless having more money, more time, more sex and exponentially less stress? Possibly. Think it might be because their lives are still their own? Yeah, there might be a chance. A childless couple who both work can go to Tuscany, Cancun and New York in the same year while those with children must save for years for a week in Orlando. The childless dine out at some of the best restaurants in town, while those with kids scramble to get four happy meals in to the back of the minivan. The childless live in a fabulous condo close to their downtown offices, the people with children must commute an hour each way so they can have a bigger house and their kids can go to better schools. So tell me, where is the advantage?
Oh, the advantage is that you will feel your life is more meaningful and you won’t be lonely when you’re old? Is that your final answer? Okay, then, say hello to a little study from the University of Florida. While it pains me to no end to give credit to anything that comes out of that swamp posing as an accredited university, this study is pure gold. Apparently, now get this, apparently people without kids are no more lonely, miserable or depressed in old age than those with kids. Did you hear that hissing sound? That is the air coming out of the only valid argument for having children. Listen, there it goes……oooh. So your excuse of having a fulfilled life? It just got tossed out the window. Bet you feel like a great big jackass right now, don’t you?
I have a cousin who complains about how tired and stressed out she is having kids all the time. Well, Cos’, there was a simple solution to that. It’s called your husband getting a vasectomy or you using birth control. You two could be visiting me in South Beach twice a year, staying out until 5 and eating at some of the best restaurants in America. Instead, you are perpetually tired and complaining to me. I have no sympathy. You put yourself in this position, and for what? Where is your reward? And don’t say it is in your child’s smiling face, nobody’s buying that bullshit. What’s that? I’m selfish? Au contaire, my dear, you are the selfish one. You are the one putting a drain on the world’s resources and more cars on the road and more people in the streets. And why? So you can have a little something that looks like you? So you can pass on your oh-so-valuable genetics? Who is the selfish one now? I am simply living out my life, not polluting the world with anything that even remotely carries my DNA. And most would agree that this is probably a good thing.
So, again, I raise a glass to never having children. This may cause me to lose a few relationships, and it may immediately disqualify me from candidacy with a lot of women. But you know what, there are ladies out there who don’t want kids and share my view. I’ve met them. When a girl says “I don’t ever want kids” it is a bigger turn on than if she tells me “I like other girls and porn.” But in the end, when my friends are sitting on the Turnpike in their minivans, bitching about wasting their week’s vacation at Disney and only getting sex once a month, I will tell them form a beach in Cannes, lying next to my wife whose body is still more or less in tact, that I feel their pain. And that vasectomy I got at 27 was the best investment I ever made.