Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Have Fun With Those Kids, I'll Be in France

My stance on children is pretty well known to everyone who’s ever had more than a ten minute conversation with me: I think they are a colossal waste of time. If you like kids and want to have them, fine. It’s a free country, and that is your right. But there are a lot of us out there who just flat out don’t ever want children. And I am among them. I have outlined my disdain for the younger class here before, so no need to go into another anti-child tirade, but yesterday Tom Leykis hipped me to a couple of studies that validate my point of view in ways I never could.

The first article, from Web MD, basically states that parents are generally more depressed than people without kids. Hmmmm, think this might have something to do with the childless having more money, more time, more sex and exponentially less stress? Possibly. Think it might be because their lives are still their own? Yeah, there might be a chance. A childless couple who both work can go to Tuscany, Cancun and New York in the same year while those with children must save for years for a week in Orlando. The childless dine out at some of the best restaurants in town, while those with kids scramble to get four happy meals in to the back of the minivan. The childless live in a fabulous condo close to their downtown offices, the people with children must commute an hour each way so they can have a bigger house and their kids can go to better schools. So tell me, where is the advantage?

Oh, the advantage is that you will feel your life is more meaningful and you won’t be lonely when you’re old? Is that your final answer? Okay, then, say hello to a little study from the University of Florida. While it pains me to no end to give credit to anything that comes out of that swamp posing as an accredited university, this study is pure gold. Apparently, now get this, apparently people without kids are no more lonely, miserable or depressed in old age than those with kids. Did you hear that hissing sound? That is the air coming out of the only valid argument for having children. Listen, there it goes……oooh. So your excuse of having a fulfilled life? It just got tossed out the window. Bet you feel like a great big jackass right now, don’t you?

I have a cousin who complains about how tired and stressed out she is having kids all the time. Well, Cos’, there was a simple solution to that. It’s called your husband getting a vasectomy or you using birth control. You two could be visiting me in South Beach twice a year, staying out until 5 and eating at some of the best restaurants in America. Instead, you are perpetually tired and complaining to me. I have no sympathy. You put yourself in this position, and for what? Where is your reward? And don’t say it is in your child’s smiling face, nobody’s buying that bullshit. What’s that? I’m selfish? Au contaire, my dear, you are the selfish one. You are the one putting a drain on the world’s resources and more cars on the road and more people in the streets. And why? So you can have a little something that looks like you? So you can pass on your oh-so-valuable genetics? Who is the selfish one now? I am simply living out my life, not polluting the world with anything that even remotely carries my DNA. And most would agree that this is probably a good thing.

So, again, I raise a glass to never having children. This may cause me to lose a few relationships, and it may immediately disqualify me from candidacy with a lot of women. But you know what, there are ladies out there who don’t want kids and share my view. I’ve met them. When a girl says “I don’t ever want kids” it is a bigger turn on than if she tells me “I like other girls and porn.” But in the end, when my friends are sitting on the Turnpike in their minivans, bitching about wasting their week’s vacation at Disney and only getting sex once a month, I will tell them form a beach in Cannes, lying next to my wife whose body is still more or less in tact, that I feel their pain. And that vasectomy I got at 27 was the best investment I ever made.


At 8:55 PM, Blogger nicole said...

I definitely wouldn't speak of having kids as an advantage or a disadvantage. It just comes down to what you want. If you want kids (and you can financially and emotionally support them) then that's your right. If you don't want them then please, by ALL means, don't have any.

And if you're a pop singer? Ambush Sterilization!

At 9:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too bad your mother didn't feel the same way as you. My only hope is that you are an only child. Your blog is complete crap and reason enough for New Yorkers to never visit Miami as to avoid any chance of meeting you in person. May you either learn the error of your ways or continue wallowing in misery. You are a disgusting misguided individual.

At 11:18 AM, Blogger Tara said...

I know, at this moment, that I don't want to have any kids. I'd rather wallow in my own immaturity and have fun with it. However, if my friends bring their kids to lunch with them or a kid approaches me in the hallway at my apartment, I don't mind them. Probably cuz I know they aren't mine.

What I don't appreciate is when people bring their kids to work and let them run up and down the hallways and pop into offices whenever they please. Or sometimes they let them shout and scream at the top of their lungs.

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Tara said...

And I posted this before reading your posting about bringing kids to work, and the kids messing up stuff while people think they're cute.

At 11:37 AM, Anonymous jorge said...

I know you exaggerate slightly for effect...but you seriously equate selfishness with wanting a family? Isn't the definition of selfish to be solely concerned with your own personal wellbeing and no one else's?

It seems to me that being so into travelling, eating at restaurants, etc for your own wellbeing would be selfish (not necessarily bad), not the other way around.

I want a family and want to eventually make the sacrifice of sleeping less, being stressed out, having cheerios in the back of my car, and paying for college. I'll make the trade of fine restaurants or other superficial things for loving my children any day.

I completely respect your opinion, but you should have the same respect for my (eventual) lifestyle as well. My self-worth nor worth to society is not based on my decision to have children.


At 12:50 PM, Anonymous jenjen said...

Jorge - your nuts and obviously don't have babies. Not sleeping less?, try not sleeping for years. Irritability turns to raging anger. Not for the sensitive or heart felt emotional type (ie most women). God is 2nd only to the Cheerio inventor. Your not seeing the big picture here.

I have two. I gamble the relationship of my husband to stay out til 5, dine in fine restaurants, receive early am drunk dial from single young pups in South Beach and travel. I'm constantly in the dog house and wish i was Kristin Cavallari or Sasha Cohen who is now from Corona Del Mar which sparked an anger filled debate last evening with Surfer Mike who has the inside track to know that she is just an ordinary girl from Costa Misery. For a man to feel this strongly about a figure skater and her geographical change from undesirable to desirable is due to children.

I could go on about baby cute, baby face, baby smiles, laughs and her pronunciation of the color Yellow sounds Yeah Yo. Hoping Nicky Meatball won't chime in since Auntie started him out on Scarfact at age 4.

Hooray WD. It is people like you that are truly brilliant. My husband would agree and by all means had that vasectomy at about month 3 after baby #2.
I say go for it.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Nicole - I have come to the same conclusion, in that I'm okay, you're okay kind of way, as long as you don't think your kids' comfort comes ahead of my right to peace.

Anon - And yet you still keep reading...

Tara - That's the great thing about other people's kids, like my neices: When you're done with fun time, you can give them back to mom and Dad for diaper changing.

Jorge - See what I said to Nicole? Applies to you. Great, have kids, just don't make my life difficult because you decided to have them.

JJ - Sasha is an OC girl? Holy Crap! I decided last night I have an enormous crush on her. Can Surfer Mike hook me up? Promise him he gets me one date with Sasha and no more late night drunk dials. I might even consider a move back to CDM. Is she related to the other Cohen family in the 949?

At 3:12 PM, Anonymous jenjen said...

Apparently she was adopted into the Cohen family from the other side of Newport Blvd, hopefully her makeup didn't allude to this fact. Since her skating fame, she has moved to her own chateau down the street from Pelican but is often spotted with other Cohen brothers at Harbor-Corona rumbles involving water polo fags down at Big Corona.

Sadly, Surfer Mike does not have the hook up. He's just addicted to the news and has been stalking her since Nagano. He would however advise you that her mere attempt to allude the public as to her upbringing is a red flag. Again he would agree that her petite frame, beauty and athleticism could superscede her 'up the hill' status.

Should I run into her drunk at Mastros, will put in the good word for you. Let me know if you want a date with Kelly Gray (St. John owner / spokes model) She's the flirtiest drunk of all at the ocean club. She is only 25 but appears 80ish. I picture women from Miami to have this trait. Maybe your into?

At 4:11 PM, Blogger mrshife said...

Me and the wife are debating the baby campaign right now. Some days we want one, other days we don't. I feel selfish for saying I don't want kids, but I also don't know if I want to bring a child into this world when there are so many children that need a good home.

At 5:02 PM, Anonymous jenjen said...

aside from sardonic sentiment about children
After having a child. I could love any baby on earth regardles of physical handicap, race or whatever and will adopt if i win the lottery. I wanted the girl without a face, the mermaid girl and the various conjoined twins after seeing the discovery programs. I will kill a child abuser probably at some point in my life. Megans law has made it just that easy to plot. It is a lifestyle trade, not an even trade, not guaranteed to fit in with other stuffed shirt parents, just different.

mrshife - Just be ready to give up sleeping, any inkling of incurreing a hangover and any daytime tasks you currently do like biking, swimming, or art craft. It does not matter if baby is blood related or not aside from most men's egos. They are all cuddly and easy to love.

At 5:07 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

I love when inside OC jokes make it onto the blog. Kind of like watching "Arrested Devloment.' There are some references on there that you just wont get if you haven't lived in the 949.

JJ, are you going soft on me? I guess it's a good thing you are not the child-neglecting alcoholic you portray yourself to be in the comments box.

Shife - I would say that if you are not 100% that you want kids, don't have them. Just my 2 cents.

At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First time reading your blog... nice job. As I'm coming in to work today, running late as usual, I see a mother carrying a baby allowing her little bratty toddler to spin around and around in the revolving door. I'm standing there waiting as mommy dearest is cooing about how cute this is. Ick. Get them to the suburbs.

At 11:46 AM, Anonymous Kent said...

Sasha Cohen is attractive if you like the 10 year old Eastern European no skin color look. You don't want to have kids but you may want to date them. When did it become acceptable for any man older than 12 to use the term "crush"? Please cease and desist with "no homo" as well. I don't know if this is coming from NYC or the west coast (I assume the later) but calling it lame would be giving too much credit.

Check out Miss Cohen and tell me she is attractive:


She isn't even a REAL Jew so don't get too excited.

Kent "Teke" Tekulve\
Cincinnati, OH

At 12:46 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - Thank you. I hope you continue to read on. I always appreciate new readers.

Kent - No, you wanna knows what's lame? Throwing sidearm, THAT's lame!

At 4:17 PM, Anonymous Stan said...

Eat a dick!

Stan Belinda
Waco, TX

P.S.--it is even lamer to censor comments directed toward people you have never met.

At 4:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Save a little sperm for me...I might need it someday and we all know I'm not asking Joe for his.
Sanday in Seattle sends her love.


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