Hey, We're Freezing Too!
Yes, I am well aware that New York is under 14 miles of snow this weekend. Because, as with all things New York, the media believes that the rest of the country gives a shit what is going on there and so what should be another city’s 11:14 back-from-break report was the top story on every cable news channel up to and including CSPAN2. But I feel a little ignored. Because, as we speak, people all over South Florida are cold.
I mean, Christ, it is fifty fucking degrees.
The scene at Coral Reef Elementary School today looked like something out of South Park. Mothers had their children bundled in the North Face down jackets, faces covered by scarves. Because when it gets below 40 in Miami, frostbite is a major concern. People are dressed in knit caps and mittens and overcoats, articles of clothing that usually only see the light of day on the annual visit to the primos in Perth Amboy.
The top story on Channel 10 showed the familiar Lincoln Road digital thermometer in South Beach, with Dwight Lauderdale informing us that, “That’s right, folks, that number is correct. It is 51 degrees in South Beach Right now. It is really freezing out there. Let’s go to our reporter on the scene. Roberta, why on Earth are you outside in this weather?”
“Well, Dwight, trust me I am going inside as soon as I finish this report, as temperatures are expected to get down into, now brace yourself Dwight, down into the MID-TO-UPPER FORITES tonight. Yeah, I know. I’ll be inside. Back to you in the nice, warm studio.”
The fire marshall then came on and instructed me not to leave my gas oven on to warm my house. Apparently this may cause some sort of “poisoning” that is common in cold northern cities like Orlando and Tallahassee. I was also told that leaving my space heater on right behind my poly-rayon bedroom curtains was not a good idea. Then where the Hell am I supposed to hide it? Perhaps in my closet behind my poly-rayon suits.
I walked out to my car this morning to find a strange crystalline substance covering my windshield. I attempted to brush off what I assumed to be excessive dust. But, for some odd reason it would not move. I took a can of Diet Pepsi (the only substance scientifically proven to erode a black box recorder) out of my backseat and poured it on my windshield. The strange stuff on my window is now gone along with my windshield wipers and power steering pump.
I turned my A/C all the way over to “Red” (though not sure this would work, it was the opposite direciton of "blue" which is where I put it when it is hot outside, and common sense told me that this dial may work in much the same way as my bathroom faucet) in the hopes that it would warm my car up, but this did not work. Apparently my car is equipped with this thing called “Heat” but Mario at Saturn of South Dade never bothered showing me how to work it. But I was not worried, since I had brought my cozy Puma jacket along for the ride. It is always enough on those chilly nights when it gets down into the mid-sixties, so it should be enough for my 15-minute drive to work, right? I could barely feel my hands by the time I got to the gym. The thermometer on the building said it was 42 degrees. I think I have hypothermia. This may be my last post.
So, New York, I hope you are enjoying your cozy little snow-in. We will suffer in silence as you get all the hype. But when you do finally dig yourself out of your snow-ridden hell, don’t forget that we here in South Florida have suffered too. But we are resilient people down here, and we will find ways to cope. Personally, I will be easing my pain on 8th street this weekend, right next to the lifeguard stand. as highs will be back into the low 80’s.