WHITE DADE EXCLUSIVE: Anonymous Speaks!
He moves in shadows throughout the blogosphere, tormenting unsuspecting bloggers with his pearls of insight and sarcasm. Educated and ignorant, intelligent and moronic, liberal, conservative, sexist, feminist, racist, apologist, immature, intellectual and all points in between, he manages to convey the full spectrum of human mentality. He, as a matter of fact, may not even be a he, or a she, no one is certain. And even after our meeting, I came away with more questions than answers. (I will use the male pronoun from here on out because I am a sexist pig, and I am lazy, and he/she just doesn’t flow, and using “they” to describe one person is a total cop-out not to mention grammatically incorrect) His name is Anonymous, and if you have a blog, chances are he’s stopped by to give you some hell. Or a compliment, or, more often than not, a little bit of both.
But even a professional blog-tormentor needs a vacation, which led me to my Friday afternoon at The Shore Club. Anonymous is in town for the weekend for a little sunning, a little clubbing, and a lot of criticizing. Even as we sat poolside sipping on mojitos and watching the girls in bikinis walk by (Anonymous informed me, as I pointed them out, that I was shallow and materialistic and a hypocrite, and that I would never find a girl if all I looked for were tall, blonde large breasted women. I should stop complaining and start being realistic, because I’m not that attractive and I should start setting myself more attainable goals or spend the rest of my life miserable and alone), he was busy with his laptop, leaving little piles of virtual excrement in every blog he could possibly find. Anonymous has a work ethic that would make Gil Grissom jealous, and the more I learned about his life, the more I understood why he spends it telling other people why they are wrong. What follows are his reasons, motivaitons and theories behind the thousands of comments he leaves every day.
Why do you spend so much time criticizing other people?
Everybody has inherent holes in their opinions when they express them. I just feel it necessary to point that out. People seem to get so mad at me, and say I am a gutless twit, a jerk, a pussy, etc. I say I have more balls than anyone else out there. I’m the only one who will call people out for the idiots that they are
But sometimes you give compliments to the same people who you call “morons.”
I may love someone’s blog and totally agree with what they are saying, but at the same time I feel it necessary to tell them why their argument is total crap. People who can write cannot always express their opinions.
You duality astounds me. How are you able to hold such differing views?
You miss the point. I don’t necessarily believe what I write in my comments. Rather, I look to point out the flaws in other people’s opinions, both the bloggers and commenters. Are the guys who look for hot, non-superficial women picky and idiots and hypocrites? Absolutely. Are the women who complain about guys expecting sex when they are dancing on top of the bar for attention completely clueless? Of course. There aren’t too many people who fall into both camps, but they are equally moronic. And that includes myself. I often leave comments with gaping holes just to get things going.
You seem to disagree with yourself a lot, and often end up fighting yourself in a comments box. Any reason?
When a post is particularly bad, the only way to save it is by having an entertaining comments section. So this is really me doing the blogger a favor. Unfortunately, a lot of the time the regular commenters are about as interesting as a CSPAN marathon, so I have to just argue with myself. But, you know I shouldn’t be surprised, because boring bloggers usually attract boring commenters. I feel it is my job to spice things up.
Do you take credit for some bloggers’ success?
Are you kidding? There are bloggers out there whose blogs would be absolutely unreadable without me. I’ll tell you, though, if you are depending on me to liven things up, you need to hone your craft a little more.
Your writing styles vary a lot. Why is that?
Sometimes I am not feeling so inspired, you know? Like sometimes I will write three or four paragraphs, then sometimes, I’m just like “You suck” and I really don’t have much else to say.
Where do you find the time to read all these blogs?
How does Santa get presents to every boy and girl in the world in one night? Don’t concern yourself with that. Just be happy when you run down to your little computer in the morning to unwrap your Gmail and the glorious gifts I have left for you. Like Santa, the good ones get great presents, but more often than not I am leaving you a lump of coal.
Why do you sign names to the bottom of some of your comments?
Several reasons. Sometimes I’ll do it to get a blogger to think maybe someone they know is writing it instead of me, and get them hung up on it all day. Maybe even cause some drama in their real lives. Other times I like to give them a false sense of confidence by pretending to be from some city where they don’t know anybody. Like “Wow, someone in Dayton, Ohio is reading my shit.” No they’re not. Get over yourself. This is mostly just me fucking with people. But, like I said, then they keep churning out their garbage and a few posts later I can really come up with a vitriolic masterpiece.
Don’t you have anything better to do?
Of course I do. I am extremely attractive, and get plenty of dates for myself. Maybe if you weren’t so superficial and stupid you would too.
Speaking of people you think are superficial and stupid, what was up with that manifesto on This Is What We Do Now the other day? (skip to about halfway down the comments section if you follow that link)I mean, that post was about how girls look stupid in baseball hats.
I have a very impressive vocabulary, but your typical blog reader, you know, they’re just not going to get what I’m saying most of the time. Every once in a while I just have to let all of my intellectual psychobabble out at once. Unfortunately, I had to pollute Larry’s comments box this time. Maybe next time it’ll be you. But I doubt it. Nobody reads your nonsense, that’s why I let you interview me and not, say, Stephanie Klein.
What do you have against Larry?
I slept with Larry once. He was a total jackass and never called me again and was terrible in bed. I think it is my duty to let the women of New York know he is a gold-chain-and-sevens-wearing piece of shit. I have no idea how he gets laid so much. Did I mention that he was terrible in bed?
How do you know so much personal information about people?
You forget, my entire life is spent on the internet. You can find just about anything about anyone if you want to look hard enough. I go to a lot of blogger parties too. Nobody recognizes me, since nobody knows what I look like and just figures someone else invited me. It’s sort of like “Wedding Crashers” except I never get laid at the end. But this is how I know most of them have a very inflated idea of their physical appearance. Almost as inflated as their opinions of their writing.
Do you ever plan on retiring?
No. My last words will probably be “you are a moron.”
Are you planning to comment on this post?
I’ll have to read it first. Maybe, if you’re lucky.
Why don’t you get a life, Anon?
Do you have any idea how many times I get asked that in a given day? I’m really sick of answering that fucking question. This interview is OVER!
And with that, in a tribute to Jim Everett, he flipped over our poolside table, grabbed his laptop, and stormed out of the Shore Club never to be seen again. Unfortunately, I'm sure we will be hearing from him in no time at all.