Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Worst Thing I Ever Did to Anyone on Valentines Day

During my sophomore year of college, I was involved in my first sexual relationship with the girl I have referred to here as Dr. Kinsey. Though unbelievable in bed, this girl was probably about a six-and-a-half in appearance. Because of this, I, being the young, shallow, recent-Miami-arrival that I was, refused to acknowledge her as my girlfriend. Even though we spent every night together having Rockstar Sex, to steal a term, I would instead refer to her as my “Smack Ho,” or “Smack Bitch” or “Fuck Meat,” or something equally as degrading. Because she wasn’t one of those smoking hot girls that made you turn your head, she never got girlfriend status. After all, I could never date a girl that wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous. My last girlfriend had been a model, for Christ sakes. Dr. Kinsey gave me whatever sexual favors I wanted whenever I wanted them, and in exchange I gave her no respect and the dregs of my time. This, I believe, is why she fell in love with me and I continued to tell her about all the really hot girls I’d rather be sleeping with. Yes, I was an asshole, but at that age the worse you treat a girl, the more she wants you. Sad, purely unintentional, but true.

So, as great as the sex was, and as much as I loved her and didn’t realize it yet, when Valentines day approached and she asked if we were doing anything special, I kind of snorted and said, “No, why would we? I think I might have Heat tickets, but if I don’t, I’ll call you.” As it turned out I did not have Heat tickets, and told her I would come over after class, around 6. Well, as luck would have it I missed my workout that afternoon because I had decided to have lunch with some buddies. I would not let this dissuade me from my daily trip to Porky's, however, so when I got out of class at 5:50 I called her and informed her that I would be over when I got done, probably around 8.
“Um, okay,” she replied. “I kind of had some stuff planned, but I guess I can put it away and wait till you get back.”
“Good. I may be a little late, depends on whether or not I decide to run.”

So I did my workout and got home a little before 8. As luck would have it, The Sopranos I had missed that Sunday was being rerun at 8. I opted not to shower at that point and instead sat down to catch up on what Tony, Big Pussy and Paulie Walnuts had been up to the previous weekend. About 20 minutes in my phone rang. And any interruption during Sopranos was a death penalty offense to me in those days, so I picked up the receiver screaming “WHAT?!”
“Um,” I heard a little voice on the other end say, “I thought you were coming over at 8. I’ve been waiting for you. I have a surprise.”
“Yeah, look,” I replied, “That Sopranos I missed on Sunday is on, so how ‘bout I come over after?”
“Promise?” she said.
“Yeah. Gotta go. Bye.” And so I finished Sopranos and began to get my shower stuff together and what should come on but the episode of “Oz” that I had also missed that week. Well, I could not be bothered to go over to her dorm room and have sex if it meant missing out on a male prison drama, now could I? So, again, I sat and watched, and again the phone rang at quarter after nine. “Yeah, what?” I answered.
“(sniff) Are you coming over or not? (sniff)?!” she cried into the phone.
“Ah, yeah, look, I just want to watch this one episode of ‘Oz’ and I’ll be right over.”
“Okay, (sniff)” and she hung up. I didn’t much care and re-absorbed myself in my HBO. I took a nice, long shower afterwards and as I drove to the dorms she called my cell phone again crying. “If you’re not here in 15 minutes, don’t even bother.”
“Relax, bro. I’ll be there in five minutes.” Which I was.

When I arrived in her room, I opened the door to find her sitting on her bed, crying, being comforted by her best friend. The room was lined with candles, burned almost all the way down to the bottom. Much like she was. Her bed was made with red satin sheets and she was dressed in nothing but a white men’s dress shirt, which she knew was my favorite turn-on. Her friend gave me a dirty look, asked Dr. Kinsey if she wanted her to stay, which she didn’t, and left. I apologized once, but before I could even get the words out of my mouth she had jumped on me and started kissing me, crying. She lifted up the shirt to show me the creative pubic hair art the she had taken the time to put together for the evening. I muttered a “Thanks,” but I had just come to expect these things of her. She had also made some purchases at the nearby “Love Boutique,’ which I will not get into at this point, but suffice to say once she stopped crying in the beginning, the sex was phenomenal.

Looking back, I can safely say that was one of the worst things I ever did to anybody who loved me. And she must have really loved me to have put up with that shit (actually, not long before, I had drunkenly urinated on her answering machine in the middle of the night, which she didn’t bother telling me about until after she had awoken me the next morning, dressed in sexy lingerie, with some phenomenal hangover sex. But that is another story for another time). For those of you, females I’m sure, who say "I hope you got yours, asshole,” rest assured that I did. She broke up with me twice, the last time being particularly brutal about it, and I think we would both agree that she got the last laugh. But it didn’t even occur to me until years later how much thought and effort and love she had put into that night, and how flippant I had been to gaff her off. Not very nice, was it? Then again, at 20, was I supposed to know any better?


At 11:53 AM, Blogger Betty said...

Sadly I have forgotten what rockstar sex is like....it's been a while.

At 6:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

somebody as good looking as you with a personality to match not having had sex for a while? no way!! i've always been under the impression people that spend 60% of their lives blogging are almost always 9's or 10's and spend the other 40% of their time having "rockstar" sex with equally attractive people.

johnny sarcastic
scottsdale, az

At 9:08 PM, Blogger mrshife said...

I think we all have done some stupid shit in our late teens and early 20's, but at least you recognized it and learned from the past.

At 11:58 PM, Blogger coloradohurricane said...

I did some stupid things to girls when I was younger too.

At 10:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a total dick! Fuck you man. No wonder you are single this year for Valentine's Day and haven't been laid since October by anyone decent. Maybe if you weren't a shallow prick, life would be better for you and you could possibly get a nice, quality girl. However, you are too insecure about yourself to even get a nice, quality girl, since you constantly obsess over the superficial things in life. You deserve exactly what you've gotten for treating people the way you do. I don't think it has anything to do with maturity at that age, so don't blame it on that. Based on your blog, you are still a total dick to women and I think this behavior is a direct reflection on how you feel about yourself.

At 11:05 AM, Blogger Betty said...

I think I have been served...

White dade, anon is right. Didn't you just email me the other day telling me how you cry into your pillow every night consumed by self-loathing and hatred. I know I do the same, it's why I spend %60 of my time blogging -despite the fact that I don't own a computer at home. I stopped taking my meds so I could pretend I had a computer and plenty of internet friends to leave snarky anonymous comments because they cry every night over the uselessness of their small penis. Johnny Sarcastic may be the soul mate I have been looking for my whole life. Oh Johnny, will you come to New York and defile me with your hate and proclaim me your cum dumpster? I feel like this could be true love...

At 12:22 PM, Anonymous jenjen said...

oh wait!
betty and WD and rockstar sex was the best porn I've imagined in days. where does johnny come in? perfectly good porn ruined

At 12:35 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnny - I would respond but I think Betty took the words out of my mouth. I, too lack a computer at home. I am on the clock every second I spend blogging.

Mr. S and CH - Yes, I tihnk you too got the point of the post. We do dumb shit.

Anon - Keep the vitrual vitriol coming! But where else on this blog have I shown that I was a dick to women?

Betty - Rockstar Sex? I would settle for washed-up 80's TV star sex right about now. I'll email you Johnny's number.

JenJen - If your husband is getting upset about late-night drunk dials, what would he say to you picturing me in porn? You need to get out of that cubicle a little more often.

At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, you're V-Day was pretty mean, but I think that same year I broke off a Valentines Day dinner with the ole' girlfriend to play (or more so watch) an intramural basketball game. Instead bought her a Subway sandwhich, and promised dinner another night...This being after I gave her a melted box of chocolates and cupcakes a former girlfried baked for me...except another night never came, because the next day I broke up with her....So you were late, big deal, it's Miami!

At 2:05 PM, Anonymous J said...

Johnny stole my shtick! Noooo!

As I told you yesterday WD, this post almost had me tearing up at the library. 20 isn't too young to know if you're being a jerk...

"Anonymous"- when you broke up w/her, did she respond "but what if we added bubbles...would we still be together?"

At 2:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

These are just a few example in which you a complete fucking asshole towards women:

1. "I would instead refer to her as my “Smack Ho,” or “Smack Bitch” or “Fuck Meat,” or something equally as degrading"

2. A Tribute to The Slumpbusters

3. Because fucking fat girls is funny, and nobody is really going to be jealous if you’re fucking something like this. ) One might argue that this is because my typical sex partner would break the lens on any self-respecting camera, but on the odd occasion that I do get to hook up with a girl I do not find physically repulsive in the morning.

Do you need more examples, you complete fucking moron? How about looking critically at yourself for once, instead of picking out the flaws of every thing and everyone else?!

At 2:11 PM, Anonymous J said...

WD & Betty sitting in a tree...
Can Betty & WD just do it already?

Just go fly up there to NYC and be her Axl Rose for a long weekend. This strange crush/courtship is endearing but sorta awkward!

At 2:30 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - You clearly did not get the tone of any of those quotes. My discussion of hooking up with fat girls is making fun of myself more than anyone else, its called self-deprication. Which addresses your second point of never examining myself. This post about V-Day was meant to show that I had, indeed, been an ass in the past. I odn't refer to anyone as fuck meat anymore.

J - Perhaps you and JJ should get together and role play. Let me know how that turns out.

At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are all losers! Except for Johnny Sarcastic, of course!

Harry Kirsner
South Miami,FL

p.s.- Something tells me that WD would be extremely disappointed if he ever met Betty in real life. Please reference the Graig blind date story. Hot girls don't go on blind dates or spend all day blogging (even if time permits at their menial labor "career"). They also don't feel the need to be so open with their sex lives. Betty isn't more progressive than the average girl she just needs more attention and obviously doesn't have the physical qualities to meet that need.

At 3:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Johnny Sarcastic doesn't come to New York. New York comes to Johnny Sarcastic. Ask my cousin, Chuck Norris.


At 4:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You must be either be easily pleased or a pushover. How much thought and effort? The girl threw on a shirt and lit some candles in dorm room! She really must have loved you! This sounds like a depressed guy not having a Valentine's Day date. You should have went to New York and taken out Betty. She seems to like you and be desperate for some rockstar lovin'. You both seem to have dated pathetic people in the past too--no offense.

At 9:26 PM, Blogger nicole said...

I'm sure other ladies have benefitted from this little moment of introspection, right? You live and you learn to treat your subsequent ladies right. ;)

At 8:17 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Ngreg - Exactly. I think you also got the point. You don't realize things when you are younger.

At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Brad said...

I love that 'anonymous' is so derogatory and judgmental toward others but is only willing to post comments anonymously.


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