Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Confessions of a Belt Winner

People often ask me “Dude, how do you fuck fat girls? It’s soooo gross.” Gross, I believe, is a highly relative term, first of all. But for those of you out there who have never partaken of the heavy flesh, I thought I’d hip you as to how one can overlook some slight physical imperfections and end up in the bed of a woman nearly twice his size. I must start by saying that I do not particularly enjoy banging fat girls, but I am willing to do it if no better options present themselves. I prefer skinny girls, but, as a wise friend of mine once said “Come bien, come mal, come dos veces.” Which means “I eat good, I eat bad, I eat twice.”

It always starts out with her approaching you. Because God knows it is one thing to fuck a fat chick, but quite another to put any effort into it. She may come up and start dancing with you on a dance floor, or sit next to you at a bar or table, or maybe just grab your ass as you walk by. Believe it or not, it is at this point that the decision to challenge for The Belt is made. If you are sober, I think 99 times out of 100 even the most desperate of us will just walk away. The problem comes when you are 6 or 7 shots and a few pitchers into the night. It’s not that this behemoth looks any better, it’s just that at this point you don’t particularly care how she looks at all. And so, when she starts grinding her titanic ass on you, you wrap your hands around her fleshy waistline and grind her back.

As soon as a fat girl has gotten this attention from a good-looking guy, she will move extremely fast. She will probably turn towards you and start grinding on you face to face, making sure to rub her ample crotch right on your now semi-erect manhood. Or, if you are at the bar she will start putting her body against yours or try and interlock fingers with you. She may even wrap her arms around your neck or chest. Any way you cut it, you are now officially green-lighted. It is at about this point that you start to get “the look” from your buddies.

“The Look” is a cross between confusion, disgust and disbelief. It is meant to convey “What the fuck are you doing? Are you sure you want to be doing that?” but generally comes across more like a wide-eyed sneer. If it is returned with a “Help Me’ look, your boys will swoop in and rescue you. But if that look is returned with a nod, well, then the friends know that you are trying to score yourself a night of rancid pleasure. Good friends will pull you away anyway. But mine, no, mine choose to compete to see who can take home the fattest one. So, naturally, they make no effort to stop you. Just the compulsory “look.” This is your second chance at getting out, and a smart man might say, “You’re right. This bitch is disgusting. I’m outta here.” But I never claimed to be a smart man.

A fat girl will make out with you within minutes if you want to. Although I will say public kissing is probably best kept to a minimum if you ever plan on returning to that particular bar, it is often necessary so she can maintain the delusion that you like being seen with her in public. As soon as this first kiss happens, it is absolutely imperative that you close your eyes. Because as she moves her tongue around your mouth and her hand down your pants, you can escape the fact that the person doing this to you is someone you find utterly repulsive. It’s hard to pretend it’s someone good looking, since your hands are typically exploring various mountains and folds of sweaty flesh, but trust me, not seeing it is what will allow you to become sexually aroused.

As you make out, as with a “hot” girl, the thought begins to cross your mind “Where can I take this girl to have sex?” Your place is a terrible idea, because you run the risk of her being there when you wake up. This will more than likely result in you spending the better part of the next morning curled up in the fetal position on your bedroom floor while she looks through your kitchen for breakfast food. Her place is okay, so long as you have a way to get home. The best place is a neutral site like a park, a car or an EXTREMELY cheap hotel room. As soon as you have your venue selected, you ask “Do you wanna go somewhere else?” Which, as we all know, means “Do you want to have sex?” To which she will say yes (that is one good thing about fat girls, when you breach the topic of “going somewhere else,” you do not risk rejection) and then inquire as to where. The “where” is immaterial, but once the offer is accepted, you must take her there. Immediately.


At 11:42 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

Amazing post. Larger girls are all about gratitude and odds. You take a really attractive girl home from the bar and there is a 50-50 shot that the best you'll be getting is a cold shower. Chubby love, on the other hand, usually pays out at 95-5 odds. And, ironically, unlike the skinny prudish girls, it's the larger ones who will teach you things. They know they have to work harder. the way, still very drunk, still very single. No worries.

At 11:47 PM, Blogger mrshife said...

Been there done that with the big and beautiful ladies.

At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

As a former belt-holder (and actually the last person to hold the title before WD), I have to say he's pretty spot on with his assesment as to how these things go. When it's clear that you have abandoned all inhibitions and are making out with a belt worthy female, your friends ALWAYS give you THE LOOK. If you respond with a "help me, I'm drunk and being molested" look (which hardly ever happens among the circle of friends that WD and I travel) then good friends will rescue you. If you just give a thumbs-up or a nod (which happens about 99% of the time in the WD/Johnson 3:16 circle of friends), they will back off and let you have your fun and even sometimes buy you more alcohol to better fuel your night of debauchery.

At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

Wow, talk about philanthropy! I've NEVER been able to go all the way to the belt, even during a multi-month dry spell. I usually just get the number and eject. I've had a LOT of pissed-off bulky girls in my life as a result. More power to you if you manage to share a pleasant moment with someone you actually like for the duration of the encounter (though drunke debauchery and black-outs are cool, if you like that sort of thing.)
Do you ever keep one around long enough to find out what her personality is like? Some of them are good at conversation, like art, sports, we care. Okay, so I care about $#^! like that. That's why I'm a recovering Average Frustrated Chump.

At 2:21 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

As Dylan would say upon our stares of outrage at his decision: Hey, Fat girls need love too.

At 2:52 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Eurosabr03 is TDub as he has never been able to understand how a good looking guy like you should have to go hogging. Sadly, we cannot all bang five smokin strippers at once, as this occurs every other trip out his front door. He's had a LOT alright and isn't into drunken debauchery. TDub, you might as well just sign your name.

Janeeta "culturally challenged" De La Cruz

At 3:17 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Bad - Actually, most of my fatties have not been so good in the sack. Same with most of my older girls and all of my Latinas. Why are you even going home with a girl if sex is not guaranteed?

Shife - A Squid? Banging a Fat Girl? NEVER!

Johnson - I'm still waiting for pics of your most recent contender

Eurosabr - Well, my friend, it takes a special kind of man to go that far. But once you've done it once, it is very easy to do again.

JenJen - Is that Bob Dylan? Or Dylan McKay?

Janeeta - T-Dub would have mentioned the hotties in his quote. And the threesomes he's goign to have with them and his wife.

At 3:17 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

is that you in the first pic?? if so, may I say- nice ass. :-)

At 3:45 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Dylan McKay.

At 4:30 PM, Anonymous Ted said...

I think we have a love connection between White Dade and Ashburnite! He seems to be nuts and she is packing on a little extra meat.

At 1:04 AM, Anonymous nicole said...

Wait...wait...FRIDGE RAIDER??? I mean, who comes UP with this stuff??


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