Thursday, March 09, 2006

Don't Hate....Interrogate

Girls are always concerned about their girlfriends when they go out. It is somewhat understandable, as there are some total whack jobs out there, and even more total jackasses who will probably end up psuedo-raping your drunken friend. But what most girls fail to realize is that there are a good number of nice guys out there who happen to enjoy taking a girl home form a bar. These guys will most likely treat your friend with respect, drive her home in the morning, and possibly even make her breakfast. And you know what, ladies, sometimes your friend may actually want to go home and have sex with this guy. And won’t regret it the next day.

Unfortunately, a lot of girls just don’t get it. They make it their life’s mission to ensure their girlfriends don’t leave a bar with anyone but them. These girls are known as cockblocks. They are generally slightly less attractive, both physically and personally, than their friends, and project their inner sense of rejection upon whatever guy happens to strike their counterpart’s fancy. More often than not, they are insulted that the other girl is getting more attention than she is, and proceed to take every opportunity to prevent her form having sex. Guys hate cockblocks. “But White Dade,” you ladies say, “We’re just looking out for our friend’s safety, we’re not haters.” Really? Did you ladies know there are actually ways of making sure your friend is coherent and consenting without looking like a bitter, envious bitch? Yes, there are. I learned this from Lauren form Texas, who at age 20 could give a lot of you older girls a lesson in nightlife ethics.

To make a long story short, I invited Lauren’s friend, who we will call Ashley, to accompany me home on Friday night, to which she responded “I want to, but I have to ask my friends.” Fair enough, since it is important that this not be a confrontational situation. Anyway, we decide that each of us will ask one of her friends for permission. Ashley talks to her 19-year old friend, who basically shrugs her shoulders and says, “Yeah, sure, whatever.” Obviously, she is a little naïve. But Lauren, no, Lauren was a sharp one. I felt like a young suitor asking a father’s permission to marry his daughter. Maybe this is because I have been reading a little too much “Kite Runner,” I don’t know. At any rate, I approached Lauren and said;
“I’d really like to take your friend Ashley home with me for the rest of the evening, but I wanted to get your permission first.”
“Really?!” she replied with a recoil. “Okay, well, I need to ask you some things before I let her go…” For 15 minutes, Lauren grilled me about myself, my intentions and other relevant information. I don’t remember everything she asked, but here is a sampling:

“Are you going to drive her home in the morning?”
“Where do you live?”
“I need your phone number” (which she called to confirm it was legit)
‘Are you going to make her breakfast?”
“What are you going to make her?”
“Have you done this before?”
“How many times?”
“How many people have you slept with?”
“What do you do?”
“How do I know I can trust you?”
“Will you offer her clothes to change into when you get back to your place?”
(This, by the way, is a custom I was unaware of. I had previously thought this would be presumptive, but apparently it is considered a gesture to make a girl feel comfortable. I also later learned that these are known as “shagging clothes.” These college kids and their whacky, whacky terminology)
“Are you going to ‘do’ her right?”
“Can I take a picture of your Driver’s License?”


Which she did. Of course, the address is my mother’s house in Seattle, but it was inconsequential as the next day Ashley was returned happy, fed and in one piece. Lauren even called her about 10 minutes after we got back to my place to ask for the cross streets of my apartment. Good friend, but not a cockblock. She asked where my apartment was, but did not come to “rescue” her. Just for safety. This is how it should always be done, and I have made this comment to several different people.

So, see ladies, not every guy who wants to take your friend home is a complete dick and/or psycho. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and trust people. There are ways of ensuring your friend’s safety without ruining her and her potential partner’s good time. “But White Dade,” you say, “Any guy with good game could answer all those questions right and still totally screw my friend over.” Yes, yes they could. But don’t you girls always love to brag about how perceptive you are and how you can read people and tell things without people saying them? Perhaps you should consider putting those skills to use. Hone your interrogation, look for clues. It isn’t that hard. Lauren has figured it out at 20. Perhaps you can by the time you hit 28.

*Most relevant parties, both known to me and unknown, are aware now of the busting of the slump this past weekend. So save your “Look, White Dade is bragging about his sex life” comments for another time. Had I posted this Monday, yes, perhaps. But now the cat is out of the bag. So shut up and take another bite of your Dick con Carne.

21 Comments:

At 4:46 PM, Blogger Betty said...

I LOVE how you are now trying to anticipate hating comments questions. Your posts now sound like a conversation with anonymous who's an absolute idiot and needs everything spelled out. How very studious of you to get the friend's permission. Sadly in my case, there's no such thing. You basically get a lecture from Ali, then he mocks you by being the one to come home with me.

 
At 5:23 PM, Anonymous Johnson 3:16 said...

Stop bragging about your sex life WD.

 
At 6:57 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Good Job WD.

Is it a cock block if I'm hitting on the same girl as a guy? Fun to brag about how many girls numbers in my phone end of the nite. Some how I keep getting invited out. Husband thinks I'm crazy. Guess his friends think I have wingman potential. Planning to print Lauren's interrogation for future block avoidance. Thanks for great advice.

 
At 12:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And yet, another unearthed piece of brilliant advice! Never been a cock blocker myself, but I have been reamed by friends for NOT being one...and they weren't the ones going home with the guy. Seriously, that seems like sooooooo loooooooonnnnnng ago...

 
At 1:36 AM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

Betty, don't pretend that you actually listen to me. Plus, I don't lecture anybody, I simply sneak you out the door when the douchebags aren't looking. Good times.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Betty - Coming home with you for a platonic fully clothed sleepover. Let's just get that straight.

Johnson - You're just mad because you lost the belt

JenJen - You are the female equvalent of that guy who goes out all night and only talks to dudes. I think his name is Graig

Anon - The only time you can be chided for NOT being a cocklock is when your friend's name was Chandra Levy or Natalee Halloway

RP - As I told Betty, if a large black man tells you it ain't gonna happen, most guys tend to listen. Girls, on the other hand......

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Yeah! the slump is over! I noticed that the slump diary wasn't up anymore, but I'm glad to hear you got some :-)

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger Tara said...

My friends and I don't even hang out at places where guys approach us. We're so deprived.

 
At 10:38 AM, Anonymous angelina said...

i just gotta say that of the two times I cockblocked a guy from my friend was because I KNEW that sober, there'd be a snowball's chance in hell she'd say more than two words to the guy, and if I HADN'T cockblocked, I woulda heard about it for eons after.

 
At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I completely agree. Cockblocking is should be a legally punishable offense. I absoloutely despise it.

Matt Smith

 
At 11:45 AM, Anonymous angelina said...

sounds like matt smith's not been laid in a long while.

maybe, matt smith, it's not the cockblocker. look within, matt smith. you already know the answer.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

At least someone's getting some around here... don't mind me. The Great Drought of '06 is making me all crazy-like...! (But I'm harder to get into than a Dave Matthews concert. Ask Ali.)

 
At 11:58 AM, Anonymous Johnson 3:16 said...

"But I'm harder to get into than a Dave Matthews concert"

I've gotten into two DMB concerts for free.

And Meltzer, I am bitter over my title loss, however I accept defeat like a man. I just don't foresee myself getting with a girl more belt-worthy than the yours. Not to say that I won't ever make another attempt at the title, but I'm doubtful in my hopes at regaining my crown.

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

I totally agree with the post, in principle. But I rarely run into the blocker who's just altruistically looking out for a friend. I always face the bitter friend or the no-fun friend that wants to leave early.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Why can't all chicks be that cool. To allow it with precaution?

 
At 1:36 PM, Blogger Joshua said...

Wow, I never heard of the female cock blocker before. Just male cock blockers. Two types of cock blocking? What a world.
I also never heard of "shagging clothes."
I guess I need to get out more.

 
At 1:44 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

The belt changed hands again? You guys need a more formal ceremony to announce these things.

Thanks, WD by the way for clearing up the (sad and pathetic) truth between me and Betty. The public needs to know. And by the public, I mean women.

DrunkBrunch has to stop meeting guys with counterfeit tickets, because I know she can't wait to perform.

On topic, I'm surprised women's organizations and safety groups don't encourage women in groups to take such steps like the fine example in WD's story...

Thought I might try to say something kind of useful.

 
At 2:45 PM, Anonymous J said...

i'm proud to say I am up on the shagging clothes thing! i guess all that time w/undergrads has paid off.

And actually the matt smith comment was a joke--he was the king of all male cockblockers. But i ask this: which is a worse cockblock, male or female?

 
At 3:08 PM, Anonymous Johnson 3:16 said...

"The belt changed hands again? You guys need a more formal ceremony to announce these things."

Yes, the belt did change hands. I believe WD posted a pic of me actually strapping the belt around his waist.

 
At 4:54 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Ash - Aren't you the person who is fixing the formulas on my sexual history spreadsheet. Hello? There's like a date column on there.

Tara - Tara, you need to stop hanging out in gay bars

Angelina - So, if alcohol just takes away your inhibition, wouldn't it reason that she probably wanted to do it anyway and just felt too embartassed? That's my problem with the "I got drunk" excuse

Matt Smith - Fuck you, you cockblocking son of a bitch. Glad to see you're reading the blog. Hows that girlfriend of yours?

Angelina - Matt Smith is a virgin, actually.

DB - If you are a female, your drought is ALWAYS voluntary

Johnson - You are the only guy I know who had consistant access to backstage DMB passes AND all-access to his video shoots and couldn't parlay that into a piece of ass. You are pathetic.

Bad - My point exactly. They all suck.

Angel - Perhaps this younger generation will pick up on this trend. Or maybe they'll just get bitter as they get older and be the same miserable cockblcking bitches that exist today. Yeah, I like #2.

Joshua - Males are worse because they are just haters. Girls have a littany of reasons for being cockblocks. But neither is excusable.

RP -, We do have a formal ceremony that involves a tyo WWE belt with a drawing of a pig taped on the front, the Europe classic "Final Countdown," a handover ceremony reminiscent of Hulk Hogan and The ULtimate Warrior at Wrestlemania VI, and finally the placing of the new name on the belt. There are pictures of the last one on my Friendster page.

J - Well, when you date girls born in 1985, that's kind of how it goes. Could you have hipped me to that maybe?

Johsnon (And Ali) - Yes, the belt changed hands in October, I believe on a hot awful night in a park in Coconut grove. And a parking garage in Coral Gables

 
At 5:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girlfriend?...let's be serious, I don't have time for girlfriends..When I have spare time on nights and weekends I need to make sure that better looking, more socially in tune guys don't hook up with girls I think are pretty and won't talk to me. That one girlfriend I had I actually had to leave due to this "anti-superhero" like role I play. Its not easy teleporting from conversation to conversation making sure I'm doing my job to society...

Matt "Tomatoe" Smith
St. Pete, Fl

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home