Girls are always concerned about their girlfriends when they go out. It is somewhat understandable, as there are some total whack jobs out there, and even more total jackasses who will probably end up psuedo-raping your drunken friend. But what most girls fail to realize is that there are a good number of nice guys out there who happen to enjoy taking a girl home form a bar. These guys will most likely treat your friend with respect, drive her home in the morning, and possibly even make her breakfast. And you know what, ladies, sometimes your friend may actually want to go home and have sex with this guy. And won’t regret it the next day.
Unfortunately, a lot of girls just don’t get it. They make it their life’s mission to ensure their girlfriends don’t leave a bar with anyone but them. These girls are known as cockblocks. They are generally slightly less attractive, both physically and personally, than their friends, and project their inner sense of rejection upon whatever guy happens to strike their counterpart’s fancy. More often than not, they are insulted that the other girl is getting more attention than she is, and proceed to take every opportunity to prevent her form having sex. Guys hate cockblocks. “But White Dade,” you ladies say, “We’re just looking out for our friend’s safety, we’re not haters.” Really? Did you ladies know there are actually ways of making sure your friend is coherent and consenting without looking like a bitter, envious bitch? Yes, there are. I learned this from Lauren form Texas, who at age 20 could give a lot of you older girls a lesson in nightlife ethics.
To make a long story short, I invited Lauren’s friend, who we will call Ashley, to accompany me home on Friday night, to which she responded “I want to, but I have to ask my friends.” Fair enough, since it is important that this not be a confrontational situation. Anyway, we decide that each of us will ask one of her friends for permission. Ashley talks to her 19-year old friend, who basically shrugs her shoulders and says, “Yeah, sure, whatever.” Obviously, she is a little naïve. But Lauren, no, Lauren was a sharp one. I felt like a young suitor asking a father’s permission to marry his daughter. Maybe this is because I have been reading a little too much “Kite Runner,” I don’t know. At any rate, I approached Lauren and said;
“I’d really like to take your friend Ashley home with me for the rest of the evening, but I wanted to get your permission first.”
“Really?!” she replied with a recoil. “Okay, well, I need to ask you some things before I let her go…” For 15 minutes, Lauren grilled me about myself, my intentions and other relevant information. I don’t remember everything she asked, but here is a sampling:
“Are you going to drive her home in the morning?”
“Where do you live?”
“I need your phone number” (which she called to confirm it was legit)
‘Are you going to make her breakfast?”
“What are you going to make her?”
“Have you done this before?”
“How many times?”
“How many people have you slept with?”
“What do you do?”
“How do I know I can trust you?”
“Will you offer her clothes to change into when you get back to your place?” (This, by the way, is a custom I was unaware of. I had previously thought this would be presumptive, but apparently it is considered a gesture to make a girl feel comfortable. I also later learned that these are known as “shagging clothes.” These college kids and their whacky, whacky terminology)
“Are you going to ‘do’ her right?”
“Can I take a picture of your Driver’s License?”
Which she did. Of course, the address is my mother’s house in Seattle, but it was inconsequential as the next day Ashley was returned happy, fed and in one piece. Lauren even called her about 10 minutes after we got back to my place to ask for the cross streets of my apartment. Good friend, but not a cockblock. She asked where my apartment was, but did not come to “rescue” her. Just for safety. This is how it should always be done, and I have made this comment to several different people.
So, see ladies, not every guy who wants to take your friend home is a complete dick and/or psycho. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and trust people. There are ways of ensuring your friend’s safety without ruining her and her potential partner’s good time. “But White Dade,” you say, “Any guy with good game could answer all those questions right and still totally screw my friend over.” Yes, yes they could. But don’t you girls always love to brag about how perceptive you are and how you can read people and tell things without people saying them? Perhaps you should consider putting those skills to use. Hone your interrogation, look for clues. It isn’t that hard. Lauren has figured it out at 20. Perhaps you can by the time you hit 28.
*Most relevant parties, both known to me and unknown, are aware now of the busting of the slump this past weekend. So save your “Look, White Dade is bragging about his sex life” comments for another time. Had I posted this Monday, yes, perhaps. But now the cat is out of the bag. So shut up and take another bite of your Dick con Carne.