Facts about Jack Bauer: HE DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST
Hero worship to me is disgusting. I have never understood worshiping another person as being above yourself. You should not put anyone mortal above yourself, ever. Respect, fine. Admire, great. But worship? That is just downright pathetic. I do not get excited when I see celebrities, nor do I care at all what they do. They are just people, like me. No better, often worse. Maybe it’s my ego, maybe it’s because I never had a real male role model, or maybe I’m just a straight-up hater. I don’t know. What I do know is that I find guys talking about how awesome other guys are absolutely pathetic. Though I am not one to criticize anyone for wasting valuable time, I will say that I can think of about 9 million things I would rather do, up to and including watching paint dry, than sit around stroking off some other dude. Especially if that other guy doesn’t even exist.
Such is my complete disgust with the recent Chuck Norris /Jack Bauer lists. We’ve all gotten them in our email. And they seem to be the new “I’m Rick James, Bitch” selection for the comedically unoriginal. Perhaps they’re filling the over-quoted comedy void that has been left by Dave Chappelle’s disappearance. At any rate, why are we so obsessed with how “cool” these guys are? Is it funny? Yeah, sort of, and I guess Jack and Chuck are simply vehicles for this humor. But, honestly, why do men feel the need to elevate these guys to a God-like status?
For starters, let’s get off Jack Bauer’s nuts for just a minute. If I read one more goddamn blog post about the awesomeness of Jack Bauer I am going to wretch. First of all, not only does Jack Bauer not exist, he is about as realistic a character as Snuffalupogous. It’s a goddamn TV show, people. Is your life so pathetic that you are living vicariously through a FICTIONAL character? It’s bad enough that you think you accomplished something when “your” team wins a game, must you revel in the accomplishments of a fictitious personality too? Especially one that appears on FOX. Sad, just sad.
Chuck Norris, while I will admit would, without a doubt, beat the living shit out of me at 109 or however old he is, is not someone I aspire to be. The dude is like 5’2”. How did he get to be the “Pushes the Earth off of him” icon all of a sudden? There are 100 guys in the NHL right now who are probably tougher, and they have funnier names. Jackie Chan is a vastly better martial artist, as is Jet Li. Jean Reno plays a pretty good bad-ass (and no, he is not French, he is a Moroccan of Spanish descent). So does Clive Owen. Hell, I’ve seen more impressive displays of manhood in movies from Jimmy Cahn. And Vince Vaughn kicks more real-life ass than pretty much any celebrity that does not play a sport that involves hurting people for a living. My point? Get off his nuts too. The man is a midget with a black belt. And he’s about 5 years from collecting social security.
And, since it is a new season now, I may as well tell everyone to get off all of The Soprano’s nuts too. Compared to the rest of TV, it’s a great show, but we get it. They’re mobsters. WOW! Okay, so you fuck strippers and “whack” people all day while using colorful words like “Moulinyan’ and “Fuhgeddaboutit.” I’m over it. They’re just sorry old men holding on to a lifestyle that hasn’t’ been cool since Steve Wynn took over Las Vegas. It’s like watching a show about a bunch of guys who are at the top of the 8-track game. I’m sure there is still some Italian mob influence out there, but does anyone even notice it? Outside the guy who runs the Karaoke at Shine at the Shelborne, I don’t notice much of a presence down here. Hell, I don’t even hear about it on the news.
So, guys, I know your dull, mundane, seemingly-undersexed lives beg for a supposed man’s-man like Jack or Chuck or Paulie Walnuts to come along and make you feel like you too can kill 87 terrorists, do some coke off a stripper’s ass and then do it again every day on no sleep. But guess what? You can’t. And neither can they. Although Keifer Sutherland may be able to take out that many Christmas Trees. So get over it. Accept the fact that you still work as a desk jockey/phone bitch/gym rat and that you still live with your parents and/or in a shitty apartment, then try and improve it if you’re not happy. Don’t be satisfied with what some guy made up in the brain of a FOX executive has done. The only person reading this (that I know of) who will ever contribute to anti-terrorism is Biff and the only guys who will be banging strippers on a regular basis are the ones low-class enough to date them. Like myself. And Chuck Norris is a short old man. But if you can’t get through a day without idolizing another man, at least stop telling me the fucking jokes. Next thing you know I’ll hear you quoting lines from Super Troopers.