Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Facts about Jack Bauer: HE DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST

Hero worship to me is disgusting. I have never understood worshiping another person as being above yourself. You should not put anyone mortal above yourself, ever. Respect, fine. Admire, great. But worship? That is just downright pathetic. I do not get excited when I see celebrities, nor do I care at all what they do. They are just people, like me. No better, often worse. Maybe it’s my ego, maybe it’s because I never had a real male role model, or maybe I’m just a straight-up hater. I don’t know. What I do know is that I find guys talking about how awesome other guys are absolutely pathetic. Though I am not one to criticize anyone for wasting valuable time, I will say that I can think of about 9 million things I would rather do, up to and including watching paint dry, than sit around stroking off some other dude. Especially if that other guy doesn’t even exist.

Such is my complete disgust with the recent Chuck Norris /Jack Bauer lists. We’ve all gotten them in our email. And they seem to be the new “I’m Rick James, Bitch” selection for the comedically unoriginal. Perhaps they’re filling the over-quoted comedy void that has been left by Dave Chappelle’s disappearance. At any rate, why are we so obsessed with how “cool” these guys are? Is it funny? Yeah, sort of, and I guess Jack and Chuck are simply vehicles for this humor. But, honestly, why do men feel the need to elevate these guys to a God-like status?

For starters, let’s get off Jack Bauer’s nuts for just a minute. If I read one more goddamn blog post about the awesomeness of Jack Bauer I am going to wretch. First of all, not only does Jack Bauer not exist, he is about as realistic a character as Snuffalupogous. It’s a goddamn TV show, people. Is your life so pathetic that you are living vicariously through a FICTIONAL character? It’s bad enough that you think you accomplished something when “your” team wins a game, must you revel in the accomplishments of a fictitious personality too? Especially one that appears on FOX. Sad, just sad.

Chuck Norris, while I will admit would, without a doubt, beat the living shit out of me at 109 or however old he is, is not someone I aspire to be. The dude is like 5’2”. How did he get to be the “Pushes the Earth off of him” icon all of a sudden? There are 100 guys in the NHL right now who are probably tougher, and they have funnier names. Jackie Chan is a vastly better martial artist, as is Jet Li. Jean Reno plays a pretty good bad-ass (and no, he is not French, he is a Moroccan of Spanish descent). So does Clive Owen. Hell, I’ve seen more impressive displays of manhood in movies from Jimmy Cahn. And Vince Vaughn kicks more real-life ass than pretty much any celebrity that does not play a sport that involves hurting people for a living. My point? Get off his nuts too. The man is a midget with a black belt. And he’s about 5 years from collecting social security.

And, since it is a new season now, I may as well tell everyone to get off all of The Soprano’s nuts too. Compared to the rest of TV, it’s a great show, but we get it. They’re mobsters. WOW! Okay, so you fuck strippers and “whack” people all day while using colorful words like “Moulinyan’ and “Fuhgeddaboutit.” I’m over it. They’re just sorry old men holding on to a lifestyle that hasn’t’ been cool since Steve Wynn took over Las Vegas. It’s like watching a show about a bunch of guys who are at the top of the 8-track game. I’m sure there is still some Italian mob influence out there, but does anyone even notice it? Outside the guy who runs the Karaoke at Shine at the Shelborne, I don’t notice much of a presence down here. Hell, I don’t even hear about it on the news.

So, guys, I know your dull, mundane, seemingly-undersexed lives beg for a supposed man’s-man like Jack or Chuck or Paulie Walnuts to come along and make you feel like you too can kill 87 terrorists, do some coke off a stripper’s ass and then do it again every day on no sleep. But guess what? You can’t. And neither can they. Although Keifer Sutherland may be able to take out that many Christmas Trees. So get over it. Accept the fact that you still work as a desk jockey/phone bitch/gym rat and that you still live with your parents and/or in a shitty apartment, then try and improve it if you’re not happy. Don’t be satisfied with what some guy made up in the brain of a FOX executive has done. The only person reading this (that I know of) who will ever contribute to anti-terrorism is Biff and the only guys who will be banging strippers on a regular basis are the ones low-class enough to date them. Like myself. And Chuck Norris is a short old man. But if you can’t get through a day without idolizing another man, at least stop telling me the fucking jokes. Next thing you know I’ll hear you quoting lines from Super Troopers.

14 Comments:

At 6:54 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Worst post...EVER. If I'd have known you were going to use that Christmas tree link for evil, I never would've given it to you.

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

For the most part, I agree with you. I watch more television than is healthy for most people, yet I have very little time for people who talk about television characters as though they exist.

Nevertheless, I do enjoy the Chuck Norris business. It's funny because he is such a worthless celebrity. It'd be like celebrating Tony Danza or Scott Biao. It's great irony.

 
At 8:57 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

This is why I don't like watching television anymore. Nothing believable about characters anymore.

 
At 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your blog..eh.it`s neither here nor there.go get laid..well you have money don`t you.

 
At 9:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think its sarcasm. thast why the word "jokes" inserted to "Chuck Norris jokes" or "Jack Bauer jokes". easy does it dude

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

I agree with you on most of it, but I think the whole Chuck Norris thing is mostly a joke. I've been known to quote some of those Chuck Norris things just because the guy sucks. Other than that, I agree.

 
At 9:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, Conan O'Brian having a "Walker Texas Ranger" lever on his set, which was probably the funniest thing on the show in years, is good evidence that noone sweats Chuck Norris, it is just incredibly funny to make fun of him...other than that, yes, celebrity obsessing has always annoyed the shit out of me as well...those reasons leading to me despising Jennifer Anniston, Ben Afleck, J-Ho, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie...

 
At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I agree with you on one point though WD, I'm kinda sick of people quoting Super Troopers. I thought it was funny but kind of overrated.

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson - How about you get off your ass, walk over to Wendy's and order yourself a number seven plain with extra dick and no cheese. And a diet coke?

Bad - I never looked at it that way until you pointed it out. And then everyone else pointed it out. Maybe my sense of humor is a little off

Angel - Yeah, even the Reality characters are unbelievable

Anon - The slump was busted a while ago, thank you

Anon2 - Yeah, I feel really stupid for not realizing that sooner

Ash - It's just the over-telling that gets to be a bit much. But I tihnk you know how to keep it within reason

Anon3- Anyone I know who has dealt with celebrities for an extended period of time has told me they all are pretty much worthless. Although I have heard good things about Kiefer Southerland

Johnson2 - You know is is super guilty of that? Graig.

 
At 2:06 PM, Anonymous Larry said...

So here's where my anonymous commenters have been hiding. You can have 'em, WD.

Jack Bauer wears White Dade pajamas.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Maaan Dade-
Go easy. Living vicariously through fictional charactars keeps me sane. I do end up confused at times like the time Magnum P.I. shacked up in a New York apartment with Monica.
Its Caan not Cahn, the sexiest old man alive btw aside from David Letterman.
Don't tell me you can't appreciate a guy like Denny Crane. Becuase today is William Shatner's 75th birthday.

 
At 2:23 PM, Anonymous graig said...

you fucking whore, trez. i am super guilty of quoting super troopers, am i? i beg of you, please, tell me the last time i quoted super troopers, you fucking hack. i was gonna post a comment telling you that you really need to stop the hate-parade and get a grip, and how the chuck shit is funny because he's not that awesome, etc etc, but it seems plenty of other people have already made the effort. now i will simply note that you are one of the biggest haters i have ever met, on so many different topics and levels. wow.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Larry - Ever since that interview Anon is all over my nuts

JenJen - What happened to living vicariously through me and Klueber? I'm insulted.

Graig - Wow, you get one article accepted at The Phat Free and all of a sudden I'M a hack? I had hoped that wouoldn't go to your head. Oh well. And I do recall you making a reference to getting a "Litera Cola" or vodka or something in an email quite recently.

 
At 3:21 PM, Anonymous Ted said...

If you really know people that are hero worshipping tv characters I think your group of friends must consist of Dungeons and Dragons players. It looks like you don't understand satire or have much of a sense of humor. Take it easy and watch a couple of episodes of Walker Texas Ranger before you explode from excessive hating.

 

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