FSU Cowgirl Jen Sterger is What is Wrong with America
Just to preface this: I hate Florida State. For a variety of reasons ranging from football to an ex-girlfriend, I am one of the great FSU-haters of all time. But my hatred of this particular institution has absolutely nothing to do with why I find Jenn Sterger to be one of the most phony, obnoxious and overrated personalities to grace the internet since Miss Paris Hilton had her coming out party on video. For those of you unfamiliar, the esteemed Miss Sterger (apparently known in internet circles as Cowgirl Jenn) was spotted by an ABC cameraman at the Miami-FSU game this year, and a few hundred thousand internet postings later, she is now in Maxim and preparing to show herself in Playboy next month. Oh, and not only are we being bombarded with Jenn Sterger pictures, but she now has a column on SI.com too.
What really disgusts me about Jenn Sterger is not her chest or her “hey-look-at-me-I’m-a-hot-chick” choice of wardrobe. Nor is it her labeling herself a “cowgirl” when she hails from the legendary cattle town of Tampa. Those are all things typical of any A-grade attention whore in Tallahassee. No, what irks me about you, Miss Sterger, is your thinly veiled attempt to be the “Attainable Hot Chick who Loves Sports.” Jenn, you are a hot-girl celebrity and you are wallowing in it like a hog on a hot day. Stop telling us you are a down-to-Earth hometown girl because, sweetie, I ain’t buying it. Anyone who devotes an entire SI column to telling the world how popular they are cannot tell me they are not full of themselves with a straight face.
Your attempt at modesty is absolutely pathetic. You cannot, in one breath, say “I’m a normal college girl. I wake up late for class, fight for parking spaces, and spend way too much time watching ESPN. Honestly, if you walked past me at school, you probably wouldn't look twice,” and then in the next brag about your 16,000 friend requests on facebook. Because being the most popular girl on facebook is kind of like being the guy who gets the most pussy at a BBW convention. And, incidentally, I especially love how you started your SI column with “You may not recognize the name, but I'm sure you have seen my pictures.” Actually I mentioned you to about a dozen people in New York this week and none of them had a fucking clue who you were. Maxim spread and all.
What irks me even more about Jenn Sterger is her proclaiming herself an FSU “superfan.” Yes, Jenn because only a true fan would describe gameday as “like, the funnest thing ever. You just get up and get wasted.” I don’t know about you, but I find it difficult to tell whether or not Bowden is using his nickel package on third down after four hours of binge drinking.
Our darling cowgirl also claims she wants to go to law school (aka the residual career path for the directionless). Let me tell you, if I am accused of murder, and my lawyer walks in and she has a pair of $10,000 tits and a Playboy spread to her credit, I will probably go back to my cell and hang myself. The downside to being a professional hot chick, Miss Sterger, is that nobody will ever take you seriously again in a professional situation. Sorry, that’s the price of “notoriety,” as you put it.
I’ve read Jenn Sterger's attempts at journalism on SI.com. If I were an aspiring sports journalist (which I am not), I would be outraged that some “cowgirl” with a very impressive boob job is able to land a column in Sports Illustrated while I will be relegated to covering High School Girls Basketball in Butte, Montana for the next five years before I can get a column gig in some third tier market like Fort Collins. But this girl, who writes at MAYBE an 8th grade level, which I guess is pretty good for a Senior at Florida State, does not warrant her own column on a major sports website. I hope you are not seriously considering a career in journalism, Miss Sterger. Because youth and beauty are gone someday, and then what do you have left? A pair of silicone breasts and a degree from Florida State. And in Florida, those are both a dime a dozen.
But the fault doesn’t lie completely with Cowgirl Jenn. Actually, it lies more with the absolutely pathetic throngs of men who give her so much attention. She was right when she said that “I go to school with some of the most gorgeous girls you will ever see in your life. To even be placed among their ranks is an honor in itself.” (although, again, your attempt at modesty is about as believable as the Oscar loser who says “It was an honor just to be nominated.”) We all know there are hot girls in college, so why the obsession with Cowgirl Jenn? It’s because she’s the type of girl who makes guys think they have a chance. Because she plays herself off as some sort of sports-junkie “normal college girl” instead of the professional-hot-chick that she is, guys now think they have a chance. Don’t kid yourself, gentlemen, Miss Sterger’s college boyfriends have most likely been athletes, or, if not, good-looking sons of extremely wealthy men. After college the only men she will date under 35 will be celebrities, but most likely will end up with a guy who made more in the time it took you to jerk off to her facebook profile than you will make in an entire year.
The fault also lies in the marketing people at SI and Maxim and Playboy and any other publication giving this much exposure to some girl who did nothing more than wear a bikini to a football game. Is that all it takes to become famous these days? Shit, I remember a time when you actually had to accomplish SOMETHING to be a celebrity. I guess the internet has changed that forever. But really, assorted media, why all the fuss? This girl does not seem to have any discerable talent other than picking a good plastic surgeon, and is way too short to be first-rate model. So where does that leave us? With an FSU co-ed and her now falsely inflated ego that will lead her to treat guys like dirt for the rest of her life. Thanks a lot SI, you have now created one more extremely shitty chick to grace the Sunshine State with her presence.
I will give credit where credit is due, though. If I were Jenn, I would be milking this for all it was worth too. And those breast implants? You are right, best investment you ever made. I never said you were stupid, Jenn Stereger, just a big phony. It’s okay though. When your rich husband divorces you in 2023 and starts dating the “UCF Cowgirl” I will probably run into you on a Wednesday night at Ted’s Hideaway in South Beach. You will be on your fifth Martini, your sixth boob job and your second facelift. At some point, someone, probably me, will say something insulting to infuriate you, and you’ll throw your Martini glass across the room and yell, “You know who I was? I was the FSU Cowgirl, goddam it! I was somebody!” And I will smile and go back to my game of Golden Tee.
*And incidentally, Jenn, should you somehow be directed to my well-articulated diatribe: No, this does not help me sleep at night. Since that is the response you seem to give to everyone who does not offer you a marriage proposal. I still have chronic insomnia for no apparent reason and ripping you for 1500 words has done nothing to help it.
Labels: Jenn Sterger