It's March. Get Ready for The Conversation
Ahhh, March. If you are young, and male and live in South Florida, or any city in Florida with a beach not called Ft. Myers, this is the greatest month of the year. Why? Well, do you remember spring break form when you were in college? For some reason all those stuck-up, prissy girls who would never have random hook-ups all of a sudden acted like they were inmates in a women’s prison? If you live in Miami, there is a new crop of them arriving every Sunday. March is to a Miami resident what pretty much all of college was for anybody who went to LSU; A chance to have random hook ups with good looking, down-to-earth White Girls.
March is also the only time of the year you will see me at The Clevelander, Fat Tuesday's, Mango's, or Wet Willie's after sunset. Because it’s okay to play tourist when you are looking for 21-year-old white girls. Being a local, you have a MAJOR leg up on all the douche bags from James Madison, Towson State and College Park who are out with the same mission as you are. Not only do you have a tan and dress in something other than a T-shirt and khaki shorts, but you also know “the scene.” You know which clubs are hot on which nights, and you can get them in without paying a cover (anyone who has lived in Miami for more than a year and still pays covers should immediately have their Dade County Voter Registration card revoked). Ahhh, March.
The only downside of March is that you are once again relegated to having “The Conversation.” “The conversation” is the idle chit chat you must have with any person of the opposite sex before you can get down to what you are really looking to find out. I have gotten used to the grown-up version of “the conversation” which usually centers around career and place of residence. In college, and especially during March, the conversation is a little different. I tired of it after two years in school, but I am getting ready to bust it out again Sunday night. Usually, it goes something like this
ME: You from here? (This is a rhetorical question since the only Caucasian females at the Clevelander that actually reside in Dade County are employed by the bar)
SPRING BREAKER: No. We’re from (fill in Big 10, ACC, Atlantic 10 or SEC school here). Are you guys from here?
ME: Yeah, we go to UM law school (a lot better than saying ‘No, I’m a local who lives for March because I am never exposed to White Girls.’)
SB: Wow, that’s cool. What did you major in in undergrad? (Like you care. This is just an attempt to find out which guys they know back at Purdue may have a shot at becoming lawyers)
ME: International Finance/English/Exercise and Sports Science/Whatever-the-fuck-I-Think-sounds-impressive. What’s your major?
SB: (Fill in something highly interesting and ethical that involves helping sick puppies and/or poor illiterate children that makes me feel good about myself but has absolutely no practical application. She will take a menial unpleasant job immediately out of college and then either attempt to marry rich or go to law school. Possibly both. Or teach.)
ME: Wow. That’s cool. Where are you girls staying?
SB: (Fill in South Beach Hotel I’ve Never Heard of Because it is a Total Dump) Yeah, there’s like 8 of us staying in one room. (This can be translated as either A: You’re not coming home with me, and my excuse for not inviting you will be lack of space or B: I hope you live close by, because if so you are about to have your world rocked by drunken, sloppy spring-break sex). So you guys live around here?
ME: Yeah, just down the street about ten blocks or so. (This was actually true the first year I did this. But it still remains my answer because ‘No, we live 40 minutes form here on the Turnpike’ makes a girl think the next person who sees her will be Horatio Crane)
SB: Wow, cool. So where’s good to go around here? There’s so many tourists and, like, skeezy guys.
ME: Well, there’s (Place you saw on The Travel Channel) and (Place that sounds really cool if you’re not form here). We’ve got some passes if you want to come with us on Wednesday. (NOTE: No club in the Beach is good on Wednesday)
SB: Yeah, sounds cool. Here’s my number, call us.
ME: Alright. You wanna go get a drink? (And by no means am I paying for this drink. The nice thing about girls from places that are not LA, New York, Las Vegas or Miami is that they never expect you to)
You have now established what is known as an “in.” From there, you will probably get to dance with the girl, more than likely make out with her, and, if you are lucky, will be invited back to her hotel. Space is really not an issue, as last year a friend of mine had sex with a girl in a hotel hallway as Auburn Running Back Ronnie Brown (now Dolphins Running Back Ronnie Brown) stepped over him. There is also a giant bedroom covered in sand known as the beach, a lifeguard stand, a back alley or, if she is really daring and/or horny, the old “sex-with-friends-in-the-room-sex” that make for such giggly post-graduation stories (omigod, remember the time you hooked up with that guy in Miami and there were like 50 of us in there? Hehehehehe. You are such a slut! (jealous)). Any way you cut it, this is the best month of the year to be a South Floridian. A friend of mine asked me last year “Why can’t every month be March?” Why? Because then it wouldn’t be special. It would be college in Alabama.