Wednesday, March 01, 2006

It's March. Get Ready for The Conversation

Ahhh, March. If you are young, and male and live in South Florida, or any city in Florida with a beach not called Ft. Myers, this is the greatest month of the year. Why? Well, do you remember spring break form when you were in college? For some reason all those stuck-up, prissy girls who would never have random hook-ups all of a sudden acted like they were inmates in a women’s prison? If you live in Miami, there is a new crop of them arriving every Sunday. March is to a Miami resident what pretty much all of college was for anybody who went to LSU; A chance to have random hook ups with good looking, down-to-earth White Girls.

March is also the only time of the year you will see me at The Clevelander, Fat Tuesday's, Mango's, or Wet Willie's after sunset. Because it’s okay to play tourist when you are looking for 21-year-old white girls. Being a local, you have a MAJOR leg up on all the douche bags from James Madison, Towson State and College Park who are out with the same mission as you are. Not only do you have a tan and dress in something other than a T-shirt and khaki shorts, but you also know “the scene.” You know which clubs are hot on which nights, and you can get them in without paying a cover (anyone who has lived in Miami for more than a year and still pays covers should immediately have their Dade County Voter Registration card revoked). Ahhh, March.

The only downside of March is that you are once again relegated to having “The Conversation.” “The conversation” is the idle chit chat you must have with any person of the opposite sex before you can get down to what you are really looking to find out. I have gotten used to the grown-up version of “the conversation” which usually centers around career and place of residence. In college, and especially during March, the conversation is a little different. I tired of it after two years in school, but I am getting ready to bust it out again Sunday night. Usually, it goes something like this

ME: You from here? (This is a rhetorical question since the only Caucasian females at the Clevelander that actually reside in Dade County are employed by the bar)
SPRING BREAKER: No. We’re from (fill in Big 10, ACC, Atlantic 10 or SEC school here). Are you guys from here?
ME: Yeah, we go to UM law school (a lot better than saying ‘No, I’m a local who lives for March because I am never exposed to White Girls.’)
SB: Wow, that’s cool. What did you major in in undergrad? (Like you care. This is just an attempt to find out which guys they know back at Purdue may have a shot at becoming lawyers)
ME: International Finance/English/Exercise and Sports Science/Whatever-the-fuck-I-Think-sounds-impressive. What’s your major?
SB: (Fill in something highly interesting and ethical that involves helping sick puppies and/or poor illiterate children that makes me feel good about myself but has absolutely no practical application. She will take a menial unpleasant job immediately out of college and then either attempt to marry rich or go to law school. Possibly both. Or teach.)
ME: Wow. That’s cool. Where are you girls staying?
SB: (Fill in South Beach Hotel I’ve Never Heard of Because it is a Total Dump) Yeah, there’s like 8 of us staying in one room. (This can be translated as either A: You’re not coming home with me, and my excuse for not inviting you will be lack of space or B: I hope you live close by, because if so you are about to have your world rocked by drunken, sloppy spring-break sex). So you guys live around here?
ME: Yeah, just down the street about ten blocks or so. (This was actually true the first year I did this. But it still remains my answer because ‘No, we live 40 minutes form here on the Turnpike’ makes a girl think the next person who sees her will be Horatio Crane)
SB: Wow, cool. So where’s good to go around here? There’s so many tourists and, like, skeezy guys.
ME: Well, there’s (Place you saw on The Travel Channel) and (Place that sounds really cool if you’re not form here). We’ve got some passes if you want to come with us on Wednesday. (NOTE: No club in the Beach is good on Wednesday)
SB: Yeah, sounds cool. Here’s my number, call us.
ME: Alright. You wanna go get a drink? (And by no means am I paying for this drink. The nice thing about girls from places that are not LA, New York, Las Vegas or Miami is that they never expect you to)
SB: Okay

You have now established what is known as an “in.” From there, you will probably get to dance with the girl, more than likely make out with her, and, if you are lucky, will be invited back to her hotel. Space is really not an issue, as last year a friend of mine had sex with a girl in a hotel hallway as Auburn Running Back Ronnie Brown (now Dolphins Running Back Ronnie Brown) stepped over him. There is also a giant bedroom covered in sand known as the beach, a lifeguard stand, a back alley or, if she is really daring and/or horny, the old “sex-with-friends-in-the-room-sex” that make for such giggly post-graduation stories (omigod, remember the time you hooked up with that guy in Miami and there were like 50 of us in there? Hehehehehe. You are such a slut! (jealous)). Any way you cut it, this is the best month of the year to be a South Floridian. A friend of mine asked me last year “Why can’t every month be March?” Why? Because then it wouldn’t be special. It would be college in Alabama.

16 Comments:

At 7:39 PM, Blogger justjudith said...

so, there are no white girls in miami? learn something new every day. funny post.

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Four of us stayed overnight at the Biscayne Bay Doubletree hotel back in 2004 because the next day we were hopping on a cruiseship to go to KeyWest and the Bahamas. We went shopping down there because there was some kind of festival going on. It wasn't in March, though.

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Ahhh, spring break.

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger nicole said...

Somehow I think the imminent Spring Break action is gonna KILL any chances you had of getting your "Slump Diary" off the ground...

 
At 12:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear WD,

Good luck in all your endeavors in the month of March. Here's hoping that all your dreams come true.

Much Admiration,
Lookeeloo

 
At 1:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I guess my liberal vote won't be able to be casted in 2008...damn, I need to get me some hook ups!

-Cliff

 
At 1:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wait a minute, come to think of it, you are my hook up...I don't believe I payed for the Pawn Shop cover last time...Woohoo! after 17 years I'm officially a local!

-Cliff
Fellow "Bay" Patron

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Judith - Do I sense some sarcasm there?

Tara - Every time I meet someone on an airplane and tell them where I'm from they tell an identical story. Too bad, you missed the party.

Angel Jr. - What, Charleston isn't hopping with girls in Bikini's in March?

Nicole - God, I hope you are right

Lookeeloo - Thanks for the well wishes. I tihnk that would be a pretty good greeting card.

Cliff - I tihnk you may be TOO local. Like so local you really have no idea how to get in anywhere not called Lil' Hoolies.

 
At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Johnson 3:16 said...

You have no excuse for not defending the belt during Spring Break. Funny story, I went down to try and hook-up with my previous belt winning chick and found out that she A. has a boyfriend and B. is no longer belt worthy! She's actually fairly attractive now as she's lost a ton of weight. No bitchy hot girlfriend and no belt worthy girl. Dark times have indeed fallen upon The Johnson's love life.

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Wow....if you weren't younger than me, I would swear I hooked up with you on spring break. Or maybe that was one of the other 50 local guys trying to get laid in any given Miami bar during March.

 
At 4:39 PM, Anonymous IJC said...

Good to know. As someone making his way down to South FL next week that is some seriously useful info. I'm hoping my knowledge of Murray Hill can be leveraged into some young IJC ass. Should be good times.

 
At 5:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you really think that girls at alabama act the same way on campus as they do on spring break? i don't think girls gone wild would exist if that was true. be thankful you get them in small doses and when they want to party with no strings attached. take it from somebody that graduated from UGA. pretty funny stuff otherwise.

tom

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson - I am not defending the belt? I hae all year at the Vern for that

Ashburnite - I never claimed to invent this.

IJC - Thanks for stopping by. Good luck in South Beach. But if you take any of my tail you will never see Murray Hill again. Stop by the Tasti-D-Lite on Licoln and see for yourself

Tom - That's the problem. Everyone who goes to big state schools makes it sound like that. But I just think its a grass-is-greener kind of thing.

 
At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Meltzer, you say you won't be defending the belt, but I know you. You're in a slump and you know that if there's a prime belt contender, you'll go for it. For all of your techno/trance loving and outside Hebrewness, you're a black guy at heart. Can't stay away from those portly white women.

 
At 11:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Spring Break Miami - where the party comes to me!

Right on the money here as for the 6th yr in a row I have friends coming down for 3 straight weeks or something. Unfortunately for working etc its tough to tell your boss "yeah i really won't be around for the next month as its March, and you know, I'll be pretty hungover"

But I have certainly been guilty of the "conversation". Good times all around and the reason that I stayed here for every Spring Break (excluding a quick trip to Key West, including The Bibbo's Red Bull Bash)

J

 
At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

Of course, unless you go to university in New York, San Francisco/Berkeley, or Los Angeles. IJCs on their best behavior, husband-shopping, "make-him-wait" mode. (And one of the advantages of being a metrosexual Tel Avivi is that IJCs don't care what they say in front of you, so I have heard women use those exact words.) WD, you don't want IJCs, even on Spring Break. Or do you?

If it makes you feel better, I have an I-banker late-20s SJM friend from the "Wilshire Corridor" section of LA (read: Murray Hill) who goes to Spring Break religiously *to escape from IJCs.* This year, it's Honolulu.

And what's this "belt" slang mean?

 

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