Monday, March 06, 2006

Sorry, Hookers Don't Count

Quick, what’s your number? Yes, you know exactly what number I’m talking about. That magical number of people you have had sex with (sex, by the way, is defined by me as penetration of any orifice below the waist. So, sorry to all you Lourdes girls who live by the “It’s not sex if I can’t get pregnant” mantra. But we definitely do need to hang out sometime). Before you tell yourself what your final tally is, I need to hip you to one important rule: Hookers don’t count.

“But White Dade,” you say, “Why doesn’t it count? It’s sex, it’s with a person, why shouldn’t it count?” Why? Because hookers aren’t people, that’s why. No, actually, that’s not why, but I do have a very valid reason: Going pro is the sexual equivalent of losing weight through liposuction; You get your goal without any real work. Therefore you cannot appreciate it nearly as much. If you and your boys are trying to create a modern-day Spur Posse, paying for it is just downright cheating. If you are in a slump or dry spell, giving money to some girl you call out of the phone book is going to do about as much for your confidence as your mother telling you you are extremely handsome. If you are a virgin, getting a hooker isn’t going to show you what it takes to get a woman into bed. Although, I guess “using money" is as valuable a lesson as any, so disregard that last one. My point is that pros not only don't count towards lifetime totals, they don't count for slump-busitng, ethnicity checklists, or any other sort of classificaiton you have for your sexual history. Except whores.

Sex, to 20-something guys, is all about conquest. Accomplishment. Feeding your fragile young ego. That is why so many of us are obsessed with perfecting our performance. But if you are treating it as a normal business transaction, then getting laid by a hooker is no more gratifying than buying Big Gulp at 7-11. Perhaps more physically gratifying, but there are some hard-core Mountain Dew fans out there who might argue that point as well. While having sex with a prostitute is a means to a sexual end, you don’t feel better about yourself having done so. Maybe not worse, but certainly not better. Whereas even going home with a pig makes you say, “Hey, at least that girl thought I was hot.”

Some may choose to invoke the wisdom of Charlie Sheen here by saying “You’re not paying a hooker for sex, you’re paying her to leave.” Yes, CHALRIE SHEEN is paying her to leave. You, on the other hand, YOU are paying for the sex. Let’s get that straight. Because that girl that Charlie is tossing out at 6AM? You would crawl through 500 yards of raw sewage to wash her dog’s hair, and you know it.

And yes, ladies, going guy-pro doesn’t count for you either. Because if you are just fucking male-prostitutes all the time, it doesn’t mean you are a slut doing it to boost her sagging self-esteem or to ease her festering insecurities. It means you are just a girl who likes to get fucked right without dealing with any of the social-ramification bullshit. So this should not count towards your number either. Because we all know that a high number for a girl is equally as embarrassing as a low one for a guy.

There is one exception: If you want to pull a Nick Stokes and fuck an off-duty escort, then that would count. But no money can be exchanged. This is an encounter you probably would have had were she a slutty accountant or a morally casual travel agent anyway, so her profession is irrelevant. I say this because I can’t say with 100% certainty that some of my ex’s didn’t cheat on me for money. And they still definitely count. Though sometimes I wish they didn’t.

So go ahead and call that ad in the back of your local free weekly, use that card you got on the street in Vegas, or take that weekend trip to TJ. It’s all well and good in the name of dirty, depraved fun. But don’t try to tell me your lifetime total is in the triple digits when you paid for 90 percent of them. Because you didn’t accomplish a goddamned thing, and I am not impressed.

17 Comments:

At 10:33 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Loved it!!! Hookers not counting. I've gotta let my buddies read this cause they think it does! You are right, it's the equivalent to liposuction.

 
At 10:42 PM, Blogger nicole said...

You called out the holy name of NICK STOKES in your post??? A new day is dawning here in White Dadeville!

My favorite passage: "Yes, CHARLIE SHEEN is paying her to leave." HAHAHA!

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger mrshife said...

That Charlie Sheen is one smart fellow. Hookers may not count but they certainly swallow.

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Very good point. But it begs the question- for the hooker, do any of her "clients" count toward her number?

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Angel - Your boys are just into padding stats, aren't they? Fools!

Nicole - Hey, Nick did it, on't blame me. And like I said, he didn't pay.

Shife - You know hookers who swallkow? Man, I gotta get myself to Boise.

Ash - I don't even want to go there. When you are a sex worker, I think those kinds of numbers go out the window.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Betty said...

I am going to start charging you for giving you all your post ideas. Like a consulting fee or something.

 
At 11:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

who here has paid for it? i think those that have done it and those that will admit it are two different numbers. similar to women that admit they go solo.

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

I always imagined that hookers are sort of like fractions: One doesn't count for anything, but two or three at a time and you get to chalk it up.

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Betty - You have my offer. accept or reject.

Anon - I know a LOT more girls who admit to going solo than guys who admit to going pro. But I tinhk the actual numbers are about the same.

Bad - Interesting theory. So, if I go to TJ and do like five in a night

 
At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Jason said...

I used the services of a professional in the Czech Republic and certainly wouldn't count it toward my number. It was the worst sexual experience of my life. It was rushed and apathetic and not very fun at all. Who else has crossed the line or are we all telling stories that were told to us? White Dade? Angel? Shife? Ladies?

 
At 3:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys are disgusting.

 
At 12:54 PM, Anonymous Grossed Out said...

I agree. If you guys really know anybody that is going to a hooker then you are QUITE disgusting. Anybody that has to pay for it, under the age of 50, should take a look in the mirror and see what a loser they are. I hope, since nobody answered the question, that these are secondhand stories. Who knows though after reading some of the comments? Too bad nobody had the guts to answer! The guy that had to, as he said, "use the services of a professional" is the biggest loser of all. Any American that looks like he is worth more than the average Czech that earns $5000 a year would have an easy enough time in any disco that turning to a hooker wouldn't be necessary. I feel sorry for your girlfriends or wives.

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Jason - Shife was in the Navy, so I tihnk that is a rhetorrical question. Angel has familyt in the Philipines, so if he ever goes to visit them, well, how could he not? Me? I lived two hours from TJ for two years. Draw your own conclusions.

Anon - No, you're disgusting

Annoyed - You would be mighty surprised how widespread use of profesisonals is among young men. Maybe if girls were a little more open sexually, and their friends were not such jealous cockblocks that would not be the case.

 
At 2:41 PM, Anonymous Even more grossed out said...

So it seems that ALL of you have gone to hookers? I'm starting to realize why you guys are so bitter against women. You can't get laid!!

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Not that we can't get laid, sweetheart, just that girls seem to like to make it a lot more difficult than it should be. So a lot of guys say "Fuck it, let me just go to the ATM and take care of this."

 
At 3:02 PM, Anonymous Don't call me sweetheart said...

I wouldn't share that info with too many people as it may prevent you from ever getting laid, without having to pay, in the future. Okay, hun?

 
At 8:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dunno, I was shy, didn't really know how to talk to girls and hate the chase. Lost my virginity to a prostitute at 22 and got a huge confidence boost. Managed to find a girlfriend surprisingly easy after a few months and so far we have been together for 4 years ever since.

 

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