Things I Learned in Alabama
Here are some revelations I came to during my 26 hours on the road this weekend on the way to a friend’s wedding in Birmingham, Alabama. In order of importance:
1) Alabama girls love me. I never get more attention from women than when I am in Birmingham. I have no idea why this is, but if the girls in Miami don’t start appreciating me the way the girls in the 205 do, I may seriously consider moving.
2) Never, EVER, let your girlfriend go to a wedding her ex-boyfriend is attending.
3) If you go to a wedding reception that ends at 5, do not make your target girl the one that has to go to work at 5:30. No matter how doe-eyed she is. No matter how much everyone at the wedding tells you she wants you. No matter how nervous she looks when she's talking to you. She's not getting fired for a piece of ass. And she's not going to be up for much when she's hungover at 11:30 at night.
4) If you have less than four people going on a road trip that is longer than 8 hours, fly. It is only slightly more expensive and exponentially easier. Trust me.
5) Birmingham has the best chips and salsa I’ve had outside of the West Coast
6) Racism is alive and well
7) If I lived in Birmingham, I would be married to a woman who would ultimately ruin my life. I knew it when I went out with her a year ago, and it was reaffirmed this weekend. I have never met someone so irresistibly insane in my life
8) I never realized what a pussy-assed car a Saturn is until I drove a Durango for five days. I am the bitch of the highway.
9) Birmingham is an Olde English word meaning “Strip Malls Surrounded by Nothing”
10) Those of you who bitch about hot girls being stuck-up and materialistic have never been to the south. The trade off is they want to get married by the time they’re 24.
11) Check your lift side view mirror before changing lanes
12) People in the south like to drink
13) Florida is one ugly state once you get five miles from the coast
14) 19-year olds may be hot, but man are they flaky
15) “Weatherman,” is a good movie, but not for a road trip
16) If you are a girl, do not wear oversized dark sunglasses in the South. You will be a target of ridicule all day. But the other girls will still be nice to your face. That’s why I’m telling you now. You’re welcome.
17) Once you tell me you are living vicariously through me, your life officially sucks