Monday, March 20, 2006

Things I Learned in Alabama

Here are some revelations I came to during my 26 hours on the road this weekend on the way to a friend’s wedding in Birmingham, Alabama. In order of importance:

1) Alabama girls love me. I never get more attention from women than when I am in Birmingham. I have no idea why this is, but if the girls in Miami don’t start appreciating me the way the girls in the 205 do, I may seriously consider moving.

2) Never, EVER, let your girlfriend go to a wedding her ex-boyfriend is attending.

3) If you go to a wedding reception that ends at 5, do not make your target girl the one that has to go to work at 5:30. No matter how doe-eyed she is. No matter how much everyone at the wedding tells you she wants you. No matter how nervous she looks when she's talking to you. She's not getting fired for a piece of ass. And she's not going to be up for much when she's hungover at 11:30 at night.

4) If you have less than four people going on a road trip that is longer than 8 hours, fly. It is only slightly more expensive and exponentially easier. Trust me.

5) Birmingham has the best chips and salsa I’ve had outside of the West Coast

6) Racism is alive and well

7) If I lived in Birmingham, I would be married to a woman who would ultimately ruin my life. I knew it when I went out with her a year ago, and it was reaffirmed this weekend. I have never met someone so irresistibly insane in my life

8) I never realized what a pussy-assed car a Saturn is until I drove a Durango for five days. I am the bitch of the highway.

9) Birmingham is an Olde English word meaning “Strip Malls Surrounded by Nothing”

10) Those of you who bitch about hot girls being stuck-up and materialistic have never been to the south. The trade off is they want to get married by the time they’re 24.

11) Check your lift side view mirror before changing lanes

12) People in the south like to drink

13) Florida is one ugly state once you get five miles from the coast

14) 19-year olds may be hot, but man are they flaky

15) “Weatherman,” is a good movie, but not for a road trip

16) If you are a girl, do not wear oversized dark sunglasses in the South. You will be a target of ridicule all day. But the other girls will still be nice to your face. That’s why I’m telling you now. You’re welcome.

17) Once you tell me you are living vicariously through me, your life officially sucks


At 7:53 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Great recap. You should totally marry insane girl.

At 4:52 PM, Blogger Tara said...

I went to both Andalusia, Alabama and Birmingham back in college. We all stayed at a house and when the weather hit 50s and 60s, we sat out on the lawn without our coats and people looked at us like we were nuts.

And yes, I also noticed that racism is still around over there.

One of the good parts of going to Birmingham, though, was that I was able to see Rosa Parks in person while she was being honored.

At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Ted said...

I've read through some of your posts and have noticed a trend. Many many girls seem to tell you how great you are but nothing ever seems to materialize. Maybe you just don't mention your conquests which would be admirable but that still leaves us with that massive dry spell that you talked about. I tell people all the time how cute and adorable their babies are when they really look like mutants or aliens. What does this tell you? Some people try to be nice and some people are just phony. You shouldn't mistake it for actual interest.

At 4:38 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Betty - Yes, I'll be sure to invite you. It will be blog fodder all aorund.

Tara - Birmingham is a great city and I've loved everyone I've met there. I've considered moving there on several occasions, actually.

Theodroe - First of all, thank you for taking over as my resident negative commenter. I need someone else to hate around here besides me. Second, my dry spell had more to do with my failure to close than anything else. Women approach me a lot, but I have less game than the 12th man on a 16 seed. Strange girls are not going to come up and compliment you on your appearance to be polite.

At 1:06 AM, Anonymous nicole said...

I'm unable to traverse past the very FIRST sentence of this one. I mean, "YOUR PORKER??!?"


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