Thursday, March 02, 2006

What Goes in Dade

Cultural differences are all well and good, and living in Miami you have to learn to deal with a lot of them. But for the love of Christ (or, as the locals say, Jesus Cristo!) there is some shit that goes on down here that should not be socially acceptable anywhere that flies the American flag. If you are a local, this is shit you are so used to seeing it doesn’t even phase you anymore. Kind of like dead bodies if you live in Jamaica. But for those of you that read this that do not reside in South Florida (because this shit goes on in Broward and parts of Palm Beach County as well) let me be so bold as to hip you to some things that are commonplace here that may not exactly fly in the other 49 states and 64 counties that comprise this great country of ours.

Living at Home - Ladies, you know how when you meet a guy, and you start talking about where he lives, and he is really shady about it. Then you finally get it out of him that he lives at home with his parents and you then inform him that he has about as much chance of sleeping with you as he does with Tyra Banks? Well, in South Florida the question is not so much “So, what part of town do you live in?” but “What part of town do your parents live in?” This is how guys without college degrees who work on commission at the Cingular kiosk at Dolphin Mall can roll around in two-year-old Beamers. With rims. THEY'RE NOT PAYING RENT. And trust me, in Dade a nasty car is way more of a deal breaker than sharing a wall with your mother. It is especially unfortunate when you go out with a girl, especially Latin ones, because her mom is always waiting up for her. And you can never go back to her place. In my old reserve unit in Hialeah, I was one of about five single guys under 30 who did not live at home. And you know what the other four had in common with me? I’ll give you a hint: It had nothing to do with rank.

Renting on Weekends – So you know what the kids from Westchester, Kendall and Sweetwater do since they know there will be no knocking of the boots at Mami and Papi’s house? They’ll rent expensive hotel rooms in South Beach or the Grove for the weekend in which to party and hopefully fornicate. They effectively become tourists in their own city. And they will do this multiple times in a month. So if you break it down, it is probably more expensive then paying actual, you know, rent. But that, my friends is what is known as Dade County Logic.

Dudes driving Jettas – Yes, you read that right – DUDES DRIVING JETTAS. Not that a Baby Blue Saturn is just oozing testosterone, nor am I one to point out effeminate characteristics in any male. But COME ON. A freaking Jetta? I’m sorry, but there are parts of Mississippi where you would be tied to a fence and beaten to death for driving a Jetta. Not so in Dade, my friends, not so. Here, the more you trick out your Jetta, the more nasty, back-tatted Hialeah poon you are going to be getting. I just hope you like girls who wear their name around their neck.

Drinking and Driving – I have touched on this before, and my apologies to any of you who have recently gotten DUI’s in South Florida, but honestly. I went to Saks at lunch today and they had an open bar for whatever reason. Well, my little trip to pick up some of my beloved Kiehl’s pineapple exfoliate (yes, see item #3) turned into an hour and a half of trying on shoes, sunglasses, shirts and whatever else I could find as an excuse to stick around and drink Saks' liquor. Standing next to this open bar, by a jewelry case or something, was a uniformed off-duty Florida State Trooper. Said trooper sat back and watched as I downed six rum and cokes in roughly 90 minutes, took one for the road, and stumbled out to my car. Do you think he even made an attempt to stop me? Saks is paying him time and a half, there's no way he's gonna give up that cush position to get one lousy drunk driver off the road. Absolutely not.

Does this shit happen in Ohio? Orange County? Colorado? DC? New York? Seattle? West Virginia? Boise? San Fran? Charlotte? Boston? Anywhere else that reads my nonsense? Seriously, if you’d told me that living at home , driving a Jetta and renting hotel rooms in the tourist parts of town was all you needed to get laid when I first moved here, I would have thought I’d be swimming in tail by now. But logic in Miami, much like the vast majority of its residents, is completely fucking backwards..

28 Comments:

At 7:10 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Well I'm pretty sure that if a police officer here had suspicions about my being intoxicated and getting into my car, that officer would've approached me. I hear of so many people being charged with DUIs round here. Our neighbor had to have a breathalyzer hooked onto her ignition. She had to blow into it before the car could start. If she was intoxicated, it wouldn't start.

I would definitely prefer to stay in my parents house than rent a hotel in my area. Talk about Bates Motel. I think they're being torn down now, though. Wow, this was a long comment.

 
At 10:39 PM, Anonymous Sandy in Seattle said...

It's similar in Japan. Kids live at home and have nice cars (usually owned by the parents) and rent hotel rooms to get laid on the weekends. Oh, but it's even better in Japan. There are hotels made soley for the purpose of sex. Pay by the hour, mirrors on the walls, and a condom vending machine.

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger Tara said...

I swear I thought you'd say "and a condom under every pillow" like some hotels put mints under pillows. Heh.

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger jaded city said...

well we do have something like this in brooklyn, where most guys live at home and spend all their money on cars and then get hotels with their girlfriends for the odd night on the town. the drinking and driving thing doesnt fly here in new york, but a large bottle of bud is standard for drivers down in texas!

 
At 3:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you used to live in orlando?

 
At 5:17 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Isn't this the summary of an upcoming movie with Matthew McConnaghy?

 
At 5:23 PM, Anonymous jenjen said...

Incidentally, in Newport, 10 cops would've jumped out from behind flower arrangements. They would drag me to the curb where there would be 3 suvs, 2 cars, one suited upper ranked cop and then I would be thrown to the ground, smushing my face into the asphalt, reminiscent of American History X. That shit just doesn't fly here. I did actally see 2 newport cops throw a guy through a store front glass window accross the street from Valentinas pizza for being drunk in public. That's what the rich fucks are paying taxes for alright.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Chris said...

I've never heard of living with your parents being a good thing. Except for when you're a baby. Babies got to do that sort of thing.

In San Francisco it seems to be looked down upon to even have a roommate, even with the high rent costs. So sharing dishwashing duties with Mom & Dad wouldn't go over so well.

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Tara - How are you so consistantly commenter #1? I am impressed. And, yes, Ohio not exactly Wine Country when it comes to charmign roadside inns

Sandy - See, that's why other ocuntries are so fucked up. Kids never leave. In America, it's like "You're 18, SEE YA!" Unless your last name happens to be Lambert.

J. City - Does anyone even Drive in NY? I think the D & D is a southern thing.

Anon - Rediculous question. No, THE Orange County, like the one you see on TV. Just like it, actually.

Angel - Indeed it is.

JenJen - Seriously, if you are a cop in Newprt, what better do you have to do? I mean, there's not even any minorities to hassle.

Chris - Roomates aren't cool in SF? Wow, how do you even eat?

 
At 12:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like a dream lunch to me. Seriously, how the hell did you get so lucky? Although, I wouldv'e ended up blowing off the whole rest of the day and shopping until my credit cards wouldn't let me. That thing called inhibition would be goooonnnnee.

Liked the insider's look into your neck of the woods. Not that I hate Florida or anything.

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger Tara said...

White Dade said...Tara - How are you so consistantly commenter #1?

Dade, that might be on the list of signs I'm addicted to blogging, or at least maybe it should be added. "You Know You're Addicted to Blogging When..You are the first to leave a comment on a fresh blog posting.

 
At 11:34 AM, Blogger mrshife said...

The renting on weekends and driving the Jettas happens here in Idaho. I would be more worried if the dudes started driving the new VW bugs.

 
At 5:37 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Most, if not all people need a roommate in SF, but the number of roommates can become a big deal to certain folks. One roommate? Cool. Two? Okay, that'll do. But very few girls are all excited to go back to your place when a pack of dudes are watching Ren & Stimpy DVDs.

Crap, I can barely stand it myself anymore.

 
At 12:27 AM, Blogger nicole said...

Never heard of the man/Jetta connection before but the "dudes living at home and pushing a tricked out Escalade" is not just indigenous to South Florida. It's prevalent everywhere.

 
At 9:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The same thing goes on in Portland. I grew up there and more than half of my friends are living at home with worthless college degrees. Driving a Jetta would be an improvement over borrowing their parent's cars. It is hard to drink and drive when mom has the car for the evening. Stoned and driving would be the more probable situation. Nothing in your post, aside from the lax drunk driving enforcement, is unique to Miami.

Jason

 
At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The same thing goes on in Portland. I grew up there and more than half of my friends are living at home with worthless college degrees. Driving a Jetta would be an improvement over borrowing their parent's cars. It is hard to drink and drive when mom has the car for the evening. Stoned and driving would be the more probable situation. Nothing in your post, aside from the lax drunk driving enforcement, is unique to Miami.

Jason

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Dade...I can relate to feeling like you live in another country...I live in Northern Virginia in a city that may as well be re-named "El Salvadore." They've even started putting up signs (no right on red, stop, etc.) in Spanish--actually taking down the English signs!
By the way, thanks for dropping by my blog....I'm thinking that when I really get going on it, I'd like a guy to guest-write on some of the "Rules." It would be great to have a guy's take on it. Let me know what you think.

 
At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Lambert said...

Oh, oh, Eat a Dick!

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Okay, so I have effectively learned that some of those things I thought were so charmingly unique about SoFla are neither charming nor unique. New Yorkers: Take a hint. Everywhere is just like everywhere else. Well, nice to know that there are losers living at home everywhere.

 
At 11:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everywhere is NOT like New York. As much as you may hate to admit it, New York City is the center of the free world. It is the financial, cultural and fashion capital of the world. I have lived in San Diego, LA, Atlanta, and Boston and can tell you that New York is a different beast. Everything in New York isn't necessarily better, as the natives will tell you, but there is no other city like it.

 
At 12:10 PM, Anonymous angelina said...

yes, everywhere is NOT like New York, thank God.

I have lived in Seattle, Paris, London, DC, Tampa, St. Augustine, New Orleans, and Houston, and I thank God everyday that there is only one New York. The world couldn't sustain the egos of 8 million more pretentious assholes. The planet would probably implode.

 
At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Bored said...

Unfortunately for the originality of your post, your subject matter has nothing to do with location but more to do with being a loser. I lived in LA for the most unbearable year of my life and plenty of people in their 20's never left home or came back from college and remained living at their parents for years on end. I've also seen guys driving VW's in multiple cities. Anything above a beetle isn't really that feminine. I see you are a former OC snob. I'm not sure what was more annoying about LA, the ghetto element from the east or the wannabes from the south. It is great that you finally got a horrible tv show to be based in your neighborhood. You are now only about a million points behind being as important as a real city.

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - The only thing Manhattan is the Center of is New York County. Get over it

Angelina - That last part? Dead fucking on. Nice job.

Bored - NOBODY in OC wants to LA. I mean nOBODY. We are not envious. Why do you think we got so pissed when they changed the name of the baseball team? When peoepl used sayt I lived in LA, I would go on a massive tirade. LA sucks. OC is bearable. BOring, but bearable.

 
At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Stop the jealousy said...

Nobody cares about Orange County except for the mindless teenage girls that watch that show. I HATED LA. I don't know why you think otherwise. I hated the whole area. Why do you have such a hatred for New York? For you to say that New York isn't the center of finance, fashion, and culture shows your ignorance. You can't argue against the NYSE, Fashion Week, and Broadway. Shall I give more examples? Other cities can have better weather or geography but we are still the most famous place in the world for a reason.

 
At 4:23 PM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

At the risk of asking a totally stupid question, is your preference for white girls because you ONLY want someone with a common cultural background, or because you want to "opt out" of "lower-end" Spanish-speaking Calle 8 Miami/Dade culture in particular? I don't know how rare they are, but 2nd and 3rd generation Cubans DO EXIST in Dade, and they don't carry the baggage of "what goes in Dade."
Just something that crossed my mind because there is a tremendous cultural diversity of Latinas on the West Coast and I think that you could probably find someone to click with from an enlarged dating pool...of course, since someone totally assimilated will be in your hangouts already, you're probably ALREADY meeting "Spanish-surname" women from this demographic subgroup.

 
At 4:34 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Eurosabr - No, it goes more towrds physical attraction. Like I like people who looke like me. Aka pretty fucking white. I dated an extremely assimilated Latina fro mGainesville for a few weeks and she didn't do anything for me sexually. Same with the assimilated Asian I dated for a year. I just love blue eyes, European features, etc. It has mote to do with looks than personality. Althoug Latinas in Miami pretty much all piss me off too.

 
At 9:06 PM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

Well, taste is an individual thing, isn't it? But the end result is you must be even more grateful for U Texas, 'Bama, and Ole Miss (and March!) than the payers of in-state tuition and the die-hard basketball fans...

 
At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

Okay, I just read your post entitled "Bait and [Hi]sp[an]ic", and that pretty much clears up any ambiguities. But why don't you just turn down the date if you feel you've met a South Florida Cuban Wallet-Emptier? (not a rare species, as the IJC will attest.)

 

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