Wednesday, March 22, 2006

What It's Like Fucking a Fat Girl (Confessions of a Belt Winner Part 2)

Inevitably, your porker will want to get some food before going to have sex. Because god knows she does not have enough energy stored up in her ass to fuel her for the five minutes of sex she’s going to have. It may be a slice, it may be to The Diner or, as one recent whale told me, to “get some fat food” (I think she meant to say “fast food” but it just seemed so much more appropriate this way). Under no circumstances should you ever let her stop for food. This is for several reasons. 1) You would be doing her a disservice as giving food to a fat person is like giving smack to a junkie. You are contributing to their sickness, and it’s not right 2) It means being seen in a second public place with her 3) People you know may be in that public place 4) She might change her mind (not likely) 5) It is that much more time you have to spend with her before you can make your calculated exit. So you deal with her whining about being hungry all the way back to her place, and then it is time to get down to business.

You should generally try to do the deed on the first horizontal piece of furniture you can find. A couch is usually a good choice, since there won’t be enough room for her to try and cuddle with you. You continue the drunken make-out and remove as little of her clothing as possible. Although I will say taking her top off can SOMETIMES be fun, since big girls do often have some enormous breasts. But, dear God, if you thought it was important to keep your eyes closed while making out, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT OPENING YOUR EYES DURING FOREPLAY. Foreplay, by the way, should be kept to a minimum. Oral on you is okay, but do not try going down on her. I have met exactly one fat girl that was well groomed down there, which makes sense if that part of your body isn’t being viewed by a whole lot of people. You can try fingering her, but this generally involves pulling back thigh fat first, so it becomes rather pointless. Best to get in as soon as possible.

I would tell you to use a condom here, but anything that might give you a second to realize how disgusting what you are about to do really is may not be a good idea. Best to just hit it raw and roll the dice. Once you are in, you may notice that your penis looks extremely small. “Odd,” you think, “When I was banging that 98-pound stripper last week it looked a lot bigger.” Do not fret, your manhood is not holding out on you because it doesn’t want to be suffocated. It is merely a matter of perspective. Unless your name is John Holmes, even a very-above-average Johnson will look puny in comparison to a three-foot wide ass. Again, yet another reason to keep your eyes closed. The name of the game here is speed. Even if you have great sexual prowess and complete climax control, do you really want to be fucking this girl any longer than you possible have to? You are not trying for any repeat business here, so your performance is absolutely irrelevant. Get in, get off, and for your own safety don’t ever let her get on top. Your pelvic bone can thank me later.

I would be remiss if I did not mention here that being inside a fat girl actually feels pretty good. Because it’s like extra padded and soft in there, it is like sleeping on a feather bed versus a cheap Ikea mattress. This may be the only upside to banging a fat girl. Provided, of course, you keep your eyes closed.

Once you finish, the horror of what you have just done sets in. You look at your splooge on her stretch-mark filled stomach and the only thing you can think is “Get. Me.The. Fuck. OUTTA HERE!!!” You think how embarrassed you are that everyone in that bar saw you kissing this girl. You wonder what all those people who saw you holding hands and making out in the street were thinking. Oh, dear God, I am gonna get it form my friends tomorrow. Why didn’t they stop me? Will this win me The Belt? Then you realize you have to at least clean this girl up before she passes out, so you grab the nearest piece of cloth that does not belong to you and do just that. You give her one last kiss on the cheek good night before she passes out, and you leave. Never give her your number. Never ask for hers. Just get in your car, call a taxi, or call one of your buddies who allowed this tragedy to happen, and get your ass home. And then shower. Shower like you have never showered before.

The next morning is somewhat like a cocaine hangover. For those of you who have never experienced the pleasure of a cocaine hangover, it is just like a regular hangover except you often feel worthless, depraved, and like a giant loser. Basically, that you are the biggest piece of shit on the planet and that you never, EVER want to do that again. Until the next time you are in a bar and your blood alcohol level is higher than the batting average of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. when a rather rotund female comes up and grabs your ass. Then the cycle starts again and your number, regrettably, goes up one and half

16 Comments:

At 12:44 AM, Anonymous J said...

these fat pics are killing me, i just vomited everywhere. your girls are THAT bad, just a little overweight. and sometimes ugly with gray hair.

 
At 12:45 AM, Anonymous J said...

sorry...i meant NOT that bad.

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

please tell me you have never fucked any women as big as the ones in the pics.
Part of me should be a little outraged by this post (since I do have a little extra padding- but by no means a 3-foot wide ass), but admittedly, I found it funny. You should point out, tho, that there is a huge difference between fat girls and girls that are just a little overweight. I still love you, tho, Dade.

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

btw, I found a really interesting article yesterday (posted on my other blog)...did you know that sex toys are illegal in Mississippi?? Wierd shit.

 
At 1:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sex toys illegal in Mississippi?...I guess that explains there rank as the 2005 Most Unlivable State, http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0921975.html. I mean as if that state doesn't suck enough, they want to make it illegal to come home and experience a few seconds of ecstasy. I thank God everyday for the paradise that surrounds me...

Ray Nagin

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Oh jesus christ, matt, I think I just lost my appetite and my lunch. Could you have been anymore graphic?

Get some fucking standards! Do we need to have an intervention?

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Damn WD,
What the hell happened in Alabama?

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

J - Thanks for letting everyone know. But I put the pics uip for shock value anyway

Ash - Actually one of those pictures is of the girl who won me the Belt. The only one of a girl that is not grotesque

Ash2 - Well, it's a good thing I don't live there

Ray - Interesting name.

Betty - Actually, I'd prefer the IMtervention that worked oh so well on your friend Heather

JJ - Lets just say hooking up with Futurex would have ben a vastly better outcome

 
At 4:34 PM, Anonymous Ted said...

Ray Nagin is the mayor of New Orleans. Do you own a television? Weren't you an expert on the south? Did you start taking cocaine before or after the sex with the heavy ladies began? You got problems dude.

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Ted- Yes, hence my comment on his name. Perhaps you are the slow one today, Ted. I started doing blow before the sex with heavy girls, but have not done that in almost a year. Somehow I was able to stay off of that.

 
At 5:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what I would like, Chocolate Sex Toys! That would be beautiful. I hope they ain't illegal. You know how you make Chocalate Sex Toys don't ya? You take the Chocolate sex toys, and you add the milk! Or is it add the chocolate then the sex toys then the milk? Or do you..ummm, hmmmm, man, wait, does anyone know how to make chocolate sex toys? Cause I would really like me some of that...

 
At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

Okay, the tone of your post here is so radically different from "Don't Hate, Interrogate" that I'm tempted to accuse you of hating on fat girls and nailing them anyway. You essentially advocate depriving fat chicks of all the benefits, like breakfast, "doing" her right, etc. etc. that attractive women get and which are your "selling points" to the friends of an attractive woman/cockblocks. In short, you are only offering her the validation that SOME guy will still be willing to screw her very badly without giving a $#^! if she gets off. And of course it's her own damn fault that her Low Self Esteem leads her to accept that. But still, I can't believe that you subject somewhat-okay-looking women to such horrible treatment, since j said that none of your girls are actually "THAT bad". This is satire, right?

Alternatively, you REALLY ARE taking women in the 5-7 range that guys who AREN'T personal trainers would find decent girlfriends and treating them horribly.

Unsolicited advice begins here...You have a car, yes? Take road trips on the weekends to large Florida universities and get yourself a smart, funny Steger clone with a nice personality and real t*ts. It's not hard.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Euro - This is not girls is the 5-7 range I'm talking about. My standards aren't even NEAR that hish. I'm talking girls in th 1.5-3 range. Not as bad as the pics, but pretty f-ing bad. Girls in the 5-7 range get breakfast, a ride home and good sex.

And fear not, becasue if I ever go to Grad school it will be at a large Southern school for that exact reason.

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Wannabeyummy said...

Omg, u r funny..
I wish someone would have told ME 2 stop eating when I was in high school, shiiit middle school for that matter!

 
At 5:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God, you can probably only get fat girls because your hideous.

 
At 8:27 AM, Anonymous Angela said...

Dude. LOL. You're ugly as hell. You'd be lucky to get one of those fat broads to fuck you.. seriously.. do you own a mirror?

 

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