Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Your Ego is Up Here...I'm Gonna Need It Down Here

I just want to ask a simple question. Really, that’s it. I’m not hitting on you, I have no interest in getting your phone number or trying to take you home. I mean, if you find me attractive and want to flirt with me a little, then fine. But that’s not my objective here. I honestly do want to know if you are who you look like. But something tells me you’re not going to see it that way.

It is a sad, sad state of affairs, really. You see a girl who looks somewhat familiar, you think maybe you should say hello, but you know what is going to happen before you even open your mouth. Chances are this girl in the Pizza Shop is not the younger sister of a girl you knew in High School, so she will give you a snooty, short answer, look at you with great disdain, and walk away. She will then make a snide remark to one of her friends closely resembling “God, what a lame-ass line. Such a loser.” Because, yes sweetheart, you are THAT hot that guys try to pick you up at Pizza Rustica.

How has it come to this? That a guy cannot ask a girl a seemingly innocent question like “Do you know where’s the nearest Burger King?” without her thinking it is some sort of pathetic pick up line. Memo to Ladies: Not every guy who approaches you is hitting on you. More often than not, actually, he is treating you as just another person, trying to get some information. If I see a guy who looks familiar, I’ll ask him, because unless you are in South Beach or Key West, chances are he won’t think anything of it. But girls? Oh no. Girls take it upon themselves to think every man on Earth is trying to get in their pants which, I hate to poke a hole in your rosy forecast, is definitely not the case. Don’t flatter yourself, honey. You’re not that hot.

Blame is to be shared by both genders. The throngs of scumbag dudes out there who actually do use sorry ass pick-up lines like “Hey, do you have an older sister named Maritza?” on every girl they see over a 4 just ruin it for the rest of us. So, a big giant Thank/Fuck You to all the Javi’s, Pedros and Oscars around Miami who hit on anything with two legs and an ass. It is now impossible for me to start a harmless conversation with any female in this city because you are such a jackass. How about letting them come to you and not looking so goddamn sleazy. And desperate. I guess it must have worked for you once, so you keep on trying. Give it up. You’re pathetic.

But ladies, you are more to blame than the guys. Why? Because your self-image is so diminished that you must somehow convince yourself every guy on the street wants to be in you. Soooooo not the case. Most guys, not me, bust most guys actually have these things called standards. And a lot of guys set them rather high. Which means if you ARE the type of girl to be getting 2 slices of Rustica at 3 in the afternoon, chances are I actually don’t want take you home. Get over yourself. You reek of insecurity. How about being friendly and approachable so that even if you aren’t who I think you are, or you don’t know the answer to my question, we can at least have had a pleasant social interaction? And afterwards I can go back to my car and you can go back to the group of guys you are attention-whoring it up with, and we can have had a pleasant social encounter. No sex, no, “Yo, lemme get your number so we can ‘hang out’ sometime.” Just a simple question and answer. Is that so hard? I guess it must be, because most girls I have met seem incapable of such a civil exchange. So please, relax ladies. Because the chances are pretty good that I am not the scuzball you think I am. And chances are even better that you are not the Victoria’s Secret model that you think you are. Get over yourself, and enjoy that third slice of pizza.

28 Comments:

At 3:19 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Speaking of guys with lame pick-up lines, I had a friend here in C'Ville who was in Med School who'd buy freshmen bio or chem books and cruise around the library looking for freshmen girls with the same book. He'd also find out the names of the profs who taught those classes and then use that to get an in with the girl. What's sad is that it normally worked well enough for him to get a few dates out of it and sometimes some loving. Now that I think about it, that's not so lame at all. If I had enough extra money lying around for chem textbooks, I'd do the same thing.

 
At 4:01 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Pizza Rustica makes me cringe! Girls really shouldn't be so gaurded in those types of situations. I think every guy has been in this type of situation. There was a girl I saw on the bus to school everyday and I swore that I knew or had seen her somewhere else before. One day I finally just asked her if she was involved in what I thought I might know her from and she responded in almost the same manner. Stupid girl.

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

Women really need to learn that context usually matters. Generally, I am not going to be trying to pick women up at Pizza Mart. Something about the atmosphere and the greasy teenagers working behind the counter sort of dulls the romantic vibe.

Wendy's is a totally different story though. Now THAT is a good place to pick up women.

 
At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I tend to favor picking up women at funerals. The whole vulnerability thing. Also, abortion clinics. Great place to meet women of loose virtue (can't take credit for that one, from the movie Dogma).

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Don't knock a chick for eating 2 slices of the pie even if it is from Pizza Rustica.

 
At 6:31 PM, Blogger Tara said...

I had a guy give me his number while I worked at McDonald's. Somehow my smelling like a french fry was fine with him. He was a jerk, I'm sorry.

If a guy comes up to me and asks me if I'm so-and-so or asks me for the time, I figure he's just looking for that info. I don't think he's hitting on me. It would be pretty lame.

 
At 7:04 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson - I always love a little bit of Townie insight

Joe - I think chicks in Seattle have the MOST overrated opinions of themselves of any city I've been to. La and MIami I get, but Seattle? Really, flannel is not THAT hot.

Bad - Picking up girls at Wendy's? Johnson, how has that worked out for you?

JJ - If Gene Nakagawa is paying, eat as much as you want

Tara - You know why that is? Because you live in Ohio. I have found girls form normal places to be much more approachable.

 
At 7:51 PM, Anonymous J said...

Honestly...I think Pizza Rustica is a great place to meet girls!

Usually they are wasted after good times at the beach and are having fun...and due to delicious greasiness and intimate (read: small) location they are much more approachable than at Opium etc.

And why the hate for Rustica? Nothing is better to cap off a night on the Beach than some slice with crazy toppings at Pizza Rustica.

 
At 7:57 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Oh and when my mom and I had car trouble last weekend (car stuck in the mud), seven guys approached us asking if we needed help. We didn't think they were hitting on us, they were just extremely helpful.

 
At 8:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anybody that would knock Rustica must think Mama Celeste's or DiGiorno is quality pizza.

 
At 9:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love pizza, can anyone tell me if they deliver?

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Girls will always think we are hitting on them no matter what. We could be looking at them, making cow noises and they will still think we are flirting.

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger nicole said...

Dude, I'd be HAPPY to get a line like "You look like someone I know." Instead I hear, "Hey, you look like you got some PRETTY FEET!"

And I was wearing closed toed shoes at the time.

Yeah.

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger mrshife said...

I am so glad I am married and out of the game.

 
At 12:16 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

How many girls have you met in Seattle, post 1993, that wear flannel? Yeah, I'm guessing you can't think of any besides a very small minority of homeless teens on the Ave. Hey, doesn't your girl Jessica Simpson wear some flannel/plaid shirt in Dukes of Hazard? I think she does. And one more thing, Eat a Dick!

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

J- Yeah, late night when you're wasted and they're wasted is one thing. But at 3 in the afternoon?

Tara - You seem to be a failry down-to-earth person. This post was not addressed to ladies such as yourself.

Anon - Mama Celeste does not leave you on the toilet for half an hour, though

Anon2 - If you live in South Beach or Brickell, yes.

Angel - Yeah, exactly.

Shife - Still, though, married or not this kind of shit could happen to you. You tihnk because you have a ring on some girl's not going to think you're hitting on her?

Joe - I have not seen any girls who look anything like Jessica Simpson in Seattle. Ever.

 
At 8:52 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Sorry Nicole - Pretty fet, huh? Maybe the guy had a foot fettish. See, that kind of thing, if a guy says to you, feel free to take as a bad pck-up line.

 
At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Annoyed said...

Lets be honest here. You wouldn't be asking the girl the question if you didn't have some hopes of getting some return attention. If the girl weighed 300lbs or was hideous would you be approaching her at 3pm? Guy's intentions are very obvious to most women. Maybe this girl could have been not so rude but don't try to lie and make it out as though you were purely motivated by getting the answer to your question. Can't a girl have a slice of pizza in peace?

 
At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Annoyed part 2 said...

By the way, I've had Rustica and it doesn't compare to Lombardi's in Manhattan. Rustica was the best pizza I had in Miami but that doesn't say much. It is too big and sits there all day until you guys take a break from going to hookers and buy it. And no, I'm not the daughter of so and so or the person that you've seen before. Leave me alone. You obviously have no radar that tells you when a girl isn't interested.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Wow, annoyed...you're a pretty bitter person. How about taking some Midol and taking that stick out of your ass. What did WD ever do to you??

 
At 1:20 PM, Anonymous J said...

Bitch in the world of pizza you are a cold, days-old Totino's pizza roll that fell behind my couch.

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Annoyed - I am the wrong person to ask if I'd approach a 300 pound girl. But you are badly mistaken. No, a lot of times I do just want informaiton. You are part of the problem, not the solution

AN2 - Ah, the reutrn of the negative commenter. This place had gotten, dare I say civil, after Klueber hung up his keyboard. THANKS!

ASH -Thanks. Always nice to have backup

J - There are times I prefer old Totinos pizza rolls, actually. Don't knock it till you try it.

 
At 2:26 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

Gee, it sounds like "annoyed" has fallen for these type of ruses in the past, and is thus annoyed if you, well, ask for directions.

I get asked for directions all the time. Granted, I am a male, but it shouldn't be that hard to make the distinction between genuine curiousity and pickup moves. Besides, the pickup moves wouldn't work if you weren't somwehat attracted to the person. Or are you that weak-willed and easily hypnotized?

As an aside, johnson is right, funerals are great. Did you see High Fidelity? "I just want to feel anything else," she says. You bet!

I've done enough damage here...

 
At 2:33 PM, Anonymous Almost Insulted said...

Real mature. Resorting to calling me a bitch. Should I comment on your penis size and you return with the size of my breasts? This blog should be called White Dade Elementary School.
My comments weren't negative, aside from offering my opinion on pizza, but a chance for you guys to see what is really going on here. These post might not be so anti-woman if you looked at yourselves once in a while. I would also say that you are obviously a liar if you think that anybody believes you would approach a 300lb girl and ask if she is so and so's daughter.

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

R & P - I think you once again hit the nail right on the head for annoyed

Annoyed - I think my friend Frank went to White Dade Elementary School. You miss the point: Appearance and gender are irrelevant if you are genuinely curious about something. And you obviously do not know me if you think I wouldn't hit on a fat girl.

 
At 3:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your ego is obviously bruised..ain't no reason to strike up a conversation unless tou think you are getting lucky, OR you think you are gtting lucky..that's the reason for this whole blog-cute girl turns you down, that hurts..GET OVER it! Chances are it'll happen some more you are only what 26??
Get a grip date a hooker, o.k a thin one ;)

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Sorry Anon, hate to break it to you, some guys attentions aren't that obvious. And neither are some anon's. Frankly I am confused by this whole argument. Yes, women have egos, we automatically assume guys are hitting on us, unless you are a dumb cunt and can't recognize a man's true intentions (friendship or otherwise) until too late. There is nothing wrong with politely approaching someone, I prefer having a disclaimer when dealing with guys. Fucking tell the guy upfront you aren't interested, it doesn't mean you can't meet a nice friend person. Let's not have stupid philosophical debates about weight intentions or otherwise until the situation arises. Girls and their bullshit are so on my nerves right now.

 
At 2:36 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

The question wasn't if you have ever seen a girl that looks like Jessica Simpson in Seattle, the question was when the last time you saw a girl wearing flannel in Seattle. By the way, Jessica Simpson is not from LA. I'll give you the kids from Laguna Beach, but Miami was not that impressive. Enjoy March!

 

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