Monday, April 10, 2006

Are You Hot? Probably not.

Where do you rate on a scale of 1-10? Got that number in your head? The one you give when your amorous internet interests ask you for a figure? Okay, now drop it down two. That’s about where you are. I don’t care if nine guys asked you to go home with them last Friday night. I don’t care if a fat girl grabbed your ass and told you you were the hottest guy in the place. However hot you think you are, you’re not.

If you are female, guys will hit on you no matter what you look like. Because I’m pretty sure I am not the only guy out there with low standards, and we’re all horny. Similarly, if you are a mediocre girl hanging around with a bunch of heifers, you are going to get the most attention. And a lot of girls do this on purpose. But it doesn’t make you any better looking, it just makes you decent in comparison. So ladies between 5-7 out there, if you think you’re the belle of the ball because every other girl is over a buck eighty, think again. You still wouldn’t turn a single head at Pearl. Those girls are 8's and 9’s. You are a 7. At best.

And guys, while getting hit on by women in most likely a sign that you are at least attractive, it certainly doesn’t mean you are Brad-freaking-Pitt. First of all, unlike us, girls have varying definitions of what they consider “hot.” So while you may be the cutest guy in the place to a select few ladies, you may not even register to some others. And if the girls hitting on you are fat or old, trust me, the only reason they’re giving you attention is because everyone else turned them down. If they’re good-looking, well, you are probably doing okay in the looks department. But unless you are getting ass-on-demand without putting in any effort and having no game, chances are you’re not much higher than an 8.

My personal favorite has to be people who say “I’m attractive but I don’t photograph well.” Really? So you’re really hot but have no visual proof? Could it be that maybe you just aren’t as good looking as you think you are? Yeah, I think that’s a little closer to the truth. Anyone who prefaces every picture with “Oh, but I look awful,” is more than likely referring to themselves in real life rather than in photos. Because, really, when was the last time you heard the hottest girl you know apologizing for a picture?

In my experience, people always think they are about two notches higher on the scale than they are. I’m not sure why this is, but knocking yourself down a couple pegs seems to put you squarely where you stand in the eyes of others. But, for those who are either A) REALLY bad at math or B) Think this is a gross oversimplification, here are some guidelines to seeing if you fit into a semi-attractive category:

Ladies, getting hit on is not a measurement of your attractiveness. Guys are sluts, we don’t care. If you are getting free drinks regularly, you are probably no worse than a 5. If you are getting free drinks at a place where they cost $14 a piece, you are no worse than a 7. If you’re attractive enough to hold a man’s attention so much that he takes you to a restaurant, take the number of stars the restaurant is, multiply it by 2, and you have your rating. This formula seems to be pretty much foolproof.

Gents: In our case, it is really a function of how much ass you get with no money and no “game.” If you never have to hit on a girl to get laid, you’re not much below a 7. If, again, you are putting in ZERO effort, and girls are buying you drinks, asking you for your number and always call you, you’re looking in the 8-9 range. If you are not rich or famous and can get pretty much any girl in the bar with little more than a “Hello,’ you may quite possibly be a 10. We need to hang out.

So, folks, believe it or not, you are probably not much more than above-average looking. My apologies to the swimsuit and underwear models who are regular readers of White Dade, but to the rest of you, male and female, start being honest with yourself. The sooner you realize what league you’re in, the less you will be frustrated and disappointed with the quality of person you are dating. I’ve found my range (no, not fat or underage girls) and am happy with it. I suggest the rest of you do the same, or you will all die lonely, miserable, and highly unsatisfied.

37 Comments:

At 4:28 PM, Anonymous graig said...

wow, i'm the first commenter?!? i must say that i feel especially privileged to be the first on such a highly read and regarded blog! however, i must disagree with one of your statements. i am a good looking guy (above-avg anyways) who does not take pictures well. and if you ever put the proof on here i will kill you. and i do know where you work and live.

 
At 5:25 PM, Anonymous heather said...

pictures don't lie! he must have a face for radio, or internet anonymity. lets see the proof! lets see!

 
At 5:43 PM, Anonymous Dennis said...

that formula makes you a -2. a rascist rapist with a deadend job that fucks fat chicks. how do you maintain that level of excellence? you found your range. does it involve high schoolers screaming NO! STOP!! what a douche.

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Anyone who prefaces every picture with “Oh, but I look awful,” is more than likely referring to themselves in real life rather than in photos.

Uh oh. I think I may have said something like that next to my "Then and Now" photo posting. I'll just cowar into the corner in guilt now. ;)

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger mrshife said...

I am just a lowly foot model so that tells you what number I am.

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Graig - No, you actually photograph pretty well, I tinhk. You just have a few REALLY awful pictures.

Heather - Email me and I'll send you a Christmas card

Dennis - You must have missed the part where I said "Not underage or fat girls."

Tara - Did you? I didn't notice that. I don't recall that picture being too bad anywawy.

Shife - You're a foot model? Awesome! You never meniotned that. My apologies to you sir. You are a handsome, handsome man. Or t least your feet are.

 
At 6:14 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

I like the math. Definitely agree--although I like to think my number (and usually the numbers of all those around me) go back up another 2 or 3 points after drinking.

Also, you do not want to be hanging out with male 10s. One of my best friends really can get almost any woman to come home with him with a mere hello. He's one of the best guys I've ever known, but it is much easier meeting women when he is nowhere in sight.

 
At 6:27 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Thank you WD. I got my first official anonymous hate comment thanks to your blog. I know I have a ways to go before I approach Jenn Sterger levels of internet popularity, but I'm well on my way. Oh yeah and Dennis, go eat a dick. Very easy to be an asshole and call people names while being protected by the anonymity of the 'Net.

 
At 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey dennis you spelled "rascist" wrong. no S in race, sorry. guess that makes you pretty fucking stoopid.

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

yeah, Dade...you have pissed off the losers enough (yes, you Dennis) that they are taking the time to go to your friend's blogs and insult them. No big deal though, the kind of asshat that writes comments without leaving his blog address and mispells both "racist" and "lemming" doens't deserve any attention anyways. Yes "Dennis" lemming has two M's. You can start commenting again when you graduate 4th grade.

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I've never given myself a number. It would just be too pathetic to describe/rate.

 
At 8:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

rating depends on location i think. though 10's are universal, a 7 in youngstown is not a 7 in miami, nyc, la. in some places, if you aren't fat, deformed, or crazy you are getting some girls. however you then would rate a 2 on the restaurant scale (2 x 1 star).

i am anonymous!

 
At 9:42 PM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

I think the last anonymous is dead-on. While I think I'm average looking for NYC and LA (never been to Miami - oopsie), I'm probably bordering 8.5-9 in my hometown. Not hard to do, I have all my teeth.

There's some scary folks there...

 
At 10:57 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

Dude, you've seen blog evidence of how hot I am. I mean, crusty dudes in TARGET follow me around. Hello???

So yeah, now that everyone KNOWS I'm a troll...

 
At 2:41 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

wow, I gotta be a two then. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.
Graig, you might possibly end up being the best looking person in Reno next year. Oh, and I don't have a blog to link, it would be boring anyways.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Bad - Yeah, I tinhk the time of the night you're getting hit on may be indicitive of where you stand too

Johnson - I remember my first negative anonymous comment. I was actually offended by the first one.

Anon - Perhaps Dennis should spend a little more time learning English and a little less leaving comments on blogs he never reads

Ash - Maybe he just hates people from Virginia

Angel - I guess file that under the "Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to" category

Anon - I don't get it. The first part yes, but where does that star part come in?

MPants - Yes, anon was right. I am oging on the Miami scale here. And since I don't think Latin girls are attractive, it makes it a pretty normal scale

Nicole - Since there is no alcohol sold at Target, this may beode better for you than you think

Joe - You're 26 and Mormon and single. I tinhk your physical appearance is fast beoming irrelevant. Once you get a job, that is.

 
At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry, i meant that in small towns there are only 1 star restaurants. you said 2 x the # of stars in a restaurant is a good approx of your rating. good ol' zagat...so useful

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger Ale8one said...

Hmmm...what star rating does TGI Friday's get?

 
At 9:55 AM, Anonymous David said...

Really accurate post. I agree with 99% of what you said since most people, especially women, have an inflated sense of where their appearance ranks in comparison to the rest of the world. Looks are more important to young women and rather than accept that they are almost a 6 on the best day of their lives they live in make-believe world. I'm sure the ones that openly tell you how hot they are know deep down how hot they aren't. Masking a severe insecurity.
My only disagreements were that there are any guys that can go out get any girl from a bar. Unless your name is Tom brady or Brad Pitt it ain't happening and you too are living in make-believe world. Even top male models don't have a success rate anywhere near 90%. I lived in miami between 97-01 and would also disagree with you saying that it is normal scale. Toss out the Latin element if you're not interested in that, I'll get to that in a moment, and the amount of hotties on a weekly basis at Nikki beach, Lincoln Road,Skybar, Mynt or even shopping at Bal Harbour is without equal. West Palm Beach and Boca are even full of top of the line women if you want an All-American crowd. I don't know how long you've lived in Florida but let me know if you need some help. It isn't that hard, they are everywhere. When you say Latina do you mean what you would think a stereotypical Mexican looks like? I would bet you anything that I could put photos of 10 latinas and 10 Americans of European descent and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. i worked for a casting agency when i was in Miami and we had more natural blondes from south america and cuba than we could handle. If you don't prefer girls with dark features or brunettes that is totally different and Latina isn't the proper word. Have fun and don't ever move, unless somebody offers you a place on Ipanema Beach.

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - Oh, I get it. Thanks

Ale - I tinhk 2, two and a half. Mediocre restaurant, right? There you go

David - I have actually lived here since 98 with a brief stop in Orange County, CA (a mecca for tan blondes) so yes, I suppose compared to the rest of the country, even without Hispanics, Miami is pretty good. And, yes, I agree, down here it is often impossible to tell Whites from Latinas until they open their mouths. But "Latin" features I do not find attractive either. But, yes, sometimes when you live here too long you lose sight of the fact that outside Florida, the quality often goes down.

 
At 10:16 AM, Anonymous David said...

Sorry for the really long post. It won't happen again. This just hit really close to home having lived in Miami and with type of work I do. Couple of other things:

pictures don't lie. people lie about themselves looking better in real life.

most women are caddy. the ones that insist they aren't are usually the most.

cameron diaz, christina aguilera, jessica alba, eva longoria, sofia vergara, raquel welch, vanessa marcil, jennifer esposito, daphne zuniga, gisele bundchen etc. etc.

If you didn't have info or know their last names how many would you say are Latina by appearance alone? I know Jewish girls from the city and Italian girls from Long Island that are of much darker skin tone and look more like the stereotype. My point is that the term Latin or Latina is the most broad of all racial classifications and is only used because we are too lazy to differentiate between anybody that hails from south of our borders.

SORRY AGAIN!! Way too long!

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

David - I don't mind long comments when they are insighful. So no worries.

That list? I am not fans of any of them. Are they attractive? Yeah. Do I use them as examples of hot girls? Never. Would I but Playboy if any of them were in it? Nope. Maybe Raquel Welch 40 years ago. That's it. And I'd still do Marilyn ahead of her in a heartbeat.

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger Andy said...

I put myself on hot or not.com in college years back, my average rating was a 9.8. And I'm hilarious.

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous david said...

marilyn who? monroe?! how old are you?! just curious but who would you list? you must have very unique taste since most of the country thinks eva longoria or angelina jolie are the hottest things going. jessica simpson has a horse mouth and was a flavor of the month and pleeeeease don't mention britney spears. fhm just put out a list and i think scarlett johannson was number 1. i would never put her 1 but she is okay.

 
At 10:37 AM, Anonymous David said...

Here it is starting at #10. I normally don't give these the time of the day as they are usually the result of who has the stronger publicist or studio/label is pushing them harder but this one seems to be a result of a readers poll. I still don't know what Scarlett Johannson is doing at number 1. Teri Hatcher is a little long in the tooth to be so highly ranked too.

http://www.fhmus.com/girls_100_sexiest_2006_12.asp

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Eva Longoria - Most overrated chick this side of my favorite FSU Student

Angelina - 3rd most overrated (Jessica Alba is #2. I've met her. Nothing special is an appropriate decription)

Marilyn was just a generational comparison to Raquel Welch. At the time. My list? I know you don't like her, but Jessica Simpson, Marissa Miller, Miranda Lambert, Danneel Harris (with red hair), Sohpia Bush, Jamie Pressley, Kristin and LC from Laguna Beach, Heidi Klum 8 years ago, same for Rebecca Romjin. I'm sure there's more.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

The fact that Paris Hilton cracked the top 11 and 40+ Teri is #10 invalidates it immidiately.

The night I met Jessica Alba I had no clue who she was. When I got home my roommate showed me that year's FHM that had her as the 18th hottest woman in America. I can safely tell you she was not the 18th hottest girl at Crobar on a Monday.

But interesting nnonetheless.

 
At 10:46 AM, Anonymous David. said...

Give me Adrianna Lima, Denise Richards, Faith Hill, Alyssa Milano, Jaime Pressley, Eva Longoria, Charlize Thereon and I could die a happy happy man.

 
At 10:53 AM, Anonymous David said...

I've seen them both in person too, not to drop names because I could give two shits if I'm the same room as celebrity. Paris Hilton is actually hot, if you like super skinny, and looks about the same as she does on tv. Jessica Alba comes across very girl next door. I would call her cute but not a sex symbol. I cannot stand Jessica Simpson, that is why I specifically mentioned her before, and anybody the thinks she is the hottest girl alive need only to refrence her ProActive commercial. She looks more like that in real life. Carmen Electra also has a worn face. The hottest girls are usually not celebrities. We've fallen victim to airbrushing and technology that makes these people look a million times better than they actually are. The first thing you notice working in the entertainment industry is that a huge number of men on television and in movies are extremely short. Women should realize that that guy they think is so hot would be 2 inches shorter than them if they decide to wear heels.

 
At 10:56 AM, Anonymous David said...

You seem to have some negative commenters on here so before anybody says that I am a whore for stars just let it be known that the women I listed I have actually seen in person. And no, I haven't had sex with any and barely spoke to two of them. If you go out enough in LA, NYC, or Miami you eventually see these people. It is pretty uneventful.

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

David, you are one excellent commenter. You are welcome here anytime. I, too, really oculd care less about celebs, but since I havne't met too many, I tell the Jessica Alba story often. You are 100% correct about all the aribrushign and camera angels. Thank you for the insight.

 
At 11:27 AM, Anonymous David said...

Thank you. I'll have to add this to my list of blogs to check out. I was thinking when I mentioned the FHM list that somebody should do a list of the hottest female bloggers. I then realized that list would be like doing a list of the hottest female golfers or powerlifters as the only female bloggers above a 4 are unfortunately the celebrities that have their assistants write their blogs because they are too dumb or too busy. Why are good looking women so averse to technology? Are they just lazy because they always had men to hook up their stereo systems and computers? No offense to any ladies out there but I haven't seen any attractive women that maintain a blog on a regualar basis. Somebody please prove me wrong!!

 
At 1:48 PM, Anonymous A. said...

"Attractive"-ness is the ability of a person to "attract" sex from those whom they desire. Any discussion of attractiveness (or hotness) is merely an attempt to discuss how much sexual choice someone possesses.

A woman is a 10 if she LOOKS like a 10, and a man is a 10 if he GETS women who are 10s.

 
At 1:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you webster's.

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

A - That is an interesting point, but I'm tlaking here about pure physical appearance. Rich and/or famous guys can get a girl who looks like a 10 even if they LOOK like a 5. If oyu want to talk about genral attraciotn, then a bald guy with a 9 figure bankroll may be a 9. But as far as pure looks, he is still not that hot.

 
At 2:49 PM, Anonymous sammy said...

that definition, and who asked for it, would make a bar slut a 10. a girl that is a 6 or better can pretty much go home with 99% of guys in a bar before closing time. attractive isn't a term based on results. especially for women but even for guys. everybody knows that guy that gets a lot girls and nobody can understand why. maybe he has exceptional game or whatever intangible but his appearance is generally accepted as not the reason he is getting the girls. would you call that guy attractive? a. must stand for a dictonary reader.

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger eyerish said...

I took your first question and answered it honestly with a 6.5. I have a somewhat damaged self esteem, however. Def. don't think I am a 4.5 as your math suggests. Anyway, here's the thing all the guys I date tend to be gorgeous and yes, this puzzles my friends and yes, they do say so. So what oh mathematician White Dade do you think? Am I not giving my rating enough credit? Am I winning attractive men over with my personality?

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home