Thursday, April 20, 2006

Here Comes The Ax, Here Comes the Smash

I deeply apologize to the regular readers of this blog for the lack of angry, bitter, topical content this week. Hell, even Graig was nice enough to point out to me that I’ve been off lately. So to continue with this week’s theme of unoriginal posts, I have been tag-teamed this time, by both Johnson and Tara. I feel like Marty Ganetti sitting in the middle of the ring, getting the snot knocked out of him by Ax and Smash while the Ref has his back turned and Sean Michaels is telling him to turn around. I am supposed to tell you six interesting facts about myself. I find this much preferable to the 100 that a lot of bloggers like to tell you, because, really, by #87 you start getting things like “I am wearing blue pants today.” So here goes:

1. I was a judge in the Miss Florida System. I also ran Miss University of Miami for 2 years and Miss Miami for 1. I judged a couple of pageants including the 2004 Cinderella International Pageant in Las Vegas, where I was on a panel with a former soap star and a professional Ballroom Dancer. Call it gay if you want, but when you are the only straight male under 65 with a bunch of pageant girls between 18-24 from Florida, it can be a LOT of fun. I know several Miss Florida’s and actually got to escort former Miss America Erika Dunlap one year during Evening Gown at the State Finals. She didn’t win.

2. I didn’t kiss a girl form ages 11 to 17. The only dates I had in High School were to dances, and I didn’t even hook up until a week before graduation. With a freshman. I was fairly popular in High School and had a lot of friends and even a few girls who liked me, but I just had my head completely up my ass. It really explains a lot.

3. I used to sing Vocal Jazz. Not particularly well, mind you, but it was my favorite activity I did in High School .We were a pretty good group, and got to travel to Mexico to perform. You might think this explained why I never got laid back then, but actually in my school the star of the Musical was the stud of the farm. We had linebackers taking tap lessons over the summer so they could be in the chorus of “Crazy for You.” I’m not exaggerating.

4. My mom has been disabled since I was 7. My parents were divorced I think 4 days after I was born and my mom raised me by herself. Until I was 7 and she got sick and I pretty much had to learn to do everything for myself at that age. As a result, I still insist I cook, clean and do laundry better than most women I know. When she got sick, I had to move to Seattle with my Aunt and Uncle, and I think I still hold that resentment against the Emerald City to this day.

5. I look like a phenomenal athlete but am actually terrible. In school, I was always the first one picked for the first game and the last one picked for the second game. It’s because instead of playing team sports as a kid, I just spent time in the weight room and on the treadmill. It frustrated my football coaches to no end that I was the third or fourth strongest guy on the team and couldn’t play worth a lick. The only reason I am passable at any sport is because of my size, strength and conditioning.

6. I am not gay. I looked over this list and it pretty much reads like facts about a closeted homosexual. The truth is, I love girls. I really don’t even make too many gay jokes with my friends anymore, and there are scenes in Will and Grace that make me extremely uncomfortable. But I was raised by a single mother in two liberal hotbed cities (Oakland and Seattle) and this is what shit like that breeds. Why I had to join the Marines out of High School, to infuse some testosterone into my system. Of course, most people who know me now just throw the whole Marine thing by the wayside and call me a giant homo anyway. Then, since I’ve been called out, I have sex with the first girl who comes along, who is usually about 2 bills, and I get made fun of for that. I just can’t win.

Since I have been following tagging etiquette and passing it along, and my luck has gotten no better I’m gonna buck the trend here and, much like my family’s lineage, let it end with me. Good night, and I’ll see you on the other side.

5 Comments:

At 6:11 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Don't discount yourself as an athlete. You were an integral part of One Guard, Two Guard, Goon. At least you were able to toss people out of the way so I could score fairly easily, grab some boards and get a couple of putbacks. Ian "Primetime" Holmes was pretty worthless.

Oh and it's Marty Janetty, not Ganetti, but you're not a wrasslin fan so it's understandable to spell it out phonetically like that.

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger Tara said...

For some reason I envisioned you as Simon Cowell when you mentioned you were a judge for Miss Florida. Did you send them crying to the backstage by saying "You ah bloody awful"?

Well done with the meme! All but the last fact was new news to me!

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Pretty good stuff.
I would think that a person who could sing would get laid.

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Outstanding and admirable Dade. I truly appreciate your humble beginnings. Surfer Mike believed to no end you were closet gay until he saw you eat 5 plates of prime rib in a manner distinguishable by Chino inmates or in your case, the Marines.

 
At 7:59 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson - Yes. Goon. As is using size and stregnth to be passable at a sport

Tara - There was really nothing more fun than telling a girl who would not otherwise give oyu the time of day that she needed to lose ten pounds and that her taste is shoes was terrible

Angel - You'd think so, right? Not so, I guess.

JenJen - So even that time I brought the stripper to the Company Christmas Party didn't have him convinced?

 

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