Thursday, April 06, 2006

Office Narc BEATDOWN

You remember those kids on the playground who used to witness one kid pushing another kid and felt it was immediately necessary to tell the teacher when you got back from recess? Of course you do, because he is more than likely the reason your dad kicked your ass that night when you got home. And, deservedly, you transferred said ass-kicking onto said tattle-tale the next day. Well, unfortunately, those ass-kickings were not fatal, and that kid grew up. And now he, or more often she, works with you. Maybe in the office next door, maybe in the cube you share a wall with, or maybe in a different department altogether. But no matter where they are, they are watching how much time you spend on the phone, what you’re looking at on your computer, and what time you get to and leave work. Even though, technically, their job title is “Payroll Clerk.”

Some narcs grow up to be cops, where they get paid to get other people in trouble. And while I am no fan of police, at least you can say that it is their job. So they have found their true calling. But when you are a middle-management systems analyst, there is no part of your job description that says “Time co-workers personal phone calls and report total to supervisor.” There is not one part of being a marketing assistant that requires informing HR when someone leaves at quarter to five. And I did not take one class in business school called, “Telling The Boss Your Cube-Mate is Stealing Staples 429.”

Yeah, I’m not perfect. I’m late sometimes. I’m on the internet A LOT. I make personal long-distance phone calls from my office. I take post-it notes with me at the end of the day. And you know what? Nobody cares. Nobody, that is, except the narc. We have a narc at the gym. She tells me every time one of the hourly people is late and doesn’t write it on their time sheet. She tells me about all the mistakes the owner makes. And she often tells me how she knows every aspect of my job inside and out, and why can’t I do my job as well as she does. I can’t even imagine what she says to my boss. My hourly employees should thank her for her belligerence, since I systematically ignore her advice on their tardiness just to spite her.

Here’s a crazy fucking concept: I do my job, you do yours. Don’t worry about what I’m doing, because if it really is all that bad I’ll get caught eventually and probably fired. And if it’s not that big a deal? Then business will go on as usual since nobody seems to be getting too hurt by my perusing Orbitz for airfare to Sacramento. I guess it must just get your goat to no end that I can do the same job as you and still manage to fuck off all the time, doesn’t it? Well, deal with it. I never point out the fact that you are 20 pounds overweight and working at a gym, you shouldn’t feel the need to tell my boss how much time I spend on craigslist. Capish?

It’s too bad ass-kickings are not socially acceptable after 5th grade. I think if Herman in accounting got taken out to the parking lot and roughed up a little by the guys who stroll in a little late after a rough night of drinking every time he mentioned it to the boss even though nobody else picked up on it, there would be a lot less intra-office tension. The problem with this, of course, is that 90% of the time the narcs are women. I will not speculate on why this is, but guys generally don’t seem to concern themselves with what their coworkers are doing. And women do. So perhaps each company could hire a former prostitute from Detroit whose express job it is to beat the living shit out of every busybody female who narcs on her coworkers (the guys can take care of each other). She’d probably work cheap, and the office peace would be worth the investment. Because while something like $400 billion dollars are lost each year by employees being late, surfing the internet, and stealing office supplies, I guarantee you the amount lost on worthless tattling is even higher.

22 Comments:

At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

The office tattler sucks. Happened to me at NCL. I just happened to be sitting at one of the few computers in our dept that still had the ability to play music. One of the IT guys had to fix something on my comp, noticed my cd playing. Didn't say anything to me about at the time, but later in the day, my supervisor talked to me about it (he was cool with it but had to say something for appearances sake) and another IT guy took away my music drive. How Matt Johnson listening to a little Seger or Springsteen affects a company's bottom line, I'll never know. I mean, it kept me sane and able to deal with the endless stream of asshole New York travel agents, dumb Canadians and just the general schwagness of the job. And I apologize to any New Yorkers or Canadians I may have offended in advance. Rant over.

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger Ale8one said...

Damn! I had no idea Vanilla Ice could write the occasional bit o' humor.

glad you're back in the limelight dude! as they (the faceless ones) say, everything comes full circle.

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Sofi said...

Your former prostitute from Detroit idea is brilliant. I'm a chick who is contantly amazed by the busy body mentality of other chicks. This is why I choose to hang with men, because they don't give a shit.

Great blog!

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

What gene do you think the "narc" characteristic is located on? It makes me wonder, cause there are a lot of them.
In grade school, these narcs mascaraded as hall monitors with their orange sashes and notepads.
In high school they were often the chick with the thick glasses and her skinny boyfriend!!
In college, they were the resident assistants.
And then they lurk in the workfield, blended in with the rest of the crowd, only revealing themselves when they open their mouths.

 
At 11:23 AM, Anonymous Carissa said...

Yes, they are almost always women. Scary, overweight, hypocritical, jealous, evil, evil, evil women.
I have spent more time than I care to admit trying to figure out how a person becomes this way. Maybe Angel Jr. is on to something and there is a gene for it.

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger Tara said...

Oh we have one of those tattle-tails at work here too, and she's the receptionist. She keeps track of everyone and if they take off early that day if they come in..And what do you know, she's really not that respected round here. Coincidence? I think not.

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson - Yeah, I bet if it had been Daddy Yankee or Elvis Crespo, though, no problem.

Ale - Vanilla ICe? Ouch!

Amy - I hear that form a lot of girls. Glad you recognize how much they suck too

Angel - Funny, I was an RA in college for 3 weeks. I was fired becasue I hated telling on people

Carissa - Yeah, I forgot the fat part. Thanks

Tara - A tattle tale? Not respected? NO!

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

WD - your timing exceptional as always. I almost quit yesterday over the third party, outsourced robot narc. Seems I've been having productivity issues....what? I can't get into any webpage I ever visited in the last year. I actually approached JapManCFO to kick his ass out in Sergios ball court but sucumbed to asking him why can't I get into the surfermike webpage. Pure shock on his face, and not a word in response.

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger Dabbler said...

I think you're definitely on to something here. On the flipside, we need an additional former prostitute from Detroit (or perhaps Newark) to administer beatdowns to the coworkers who are constantly fucking up and making our lives more difficult. I'm not a narc, and this fact made my mornings a hell for about 6 months because the girl working next to me was coming in consistently half an hour to 45 minutes late EVERY DAY, and I had to cover her desk as well as mine until she arrived. I wouldn't rat her out, but damn, did I resent her.

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger Dabbler said...

Oh, and to anyone who asks the obvious question, "Why did you cover her lazy ass for so long," the answer is simple: if I hadn't, we BOTH would have gotten in trouble.

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger mrshife said...

I can totally get behind that idea. I work with an office full of ladies and it is repulsive how much back stabbing, tattling, gossip, and bull shit these gals like to partake in.
And regarding your comment, how do you end up on the mighty Palouse and the metropolis that is Moscow?

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

JJ - I always wondered who it was at AL that told on you, me, Windy, Amy and everyone else, making us look like slackers"? Not cool. "Email me when you get in." BS!

Dabler - But see, had you been a narc, your logic wouldn't have been we both get in trouble, it would be "It makes me look good." It's in that gene that Angel was talking about

Shife - A little thing called the Lionel Hampton Internaitonal Jazz Festival. I have sung in the Kibbie Dome. Lovely place. Until you get caught drinking at 15. Then, not so lovely.

 
At 10:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A-holes! If they are so f**ing busy seeing what we were doing, doesn't that make them unproductive too? Mind your own business, do your work and meet the deadlines. If you can do all that and be pleasant to be around, what the hell does anyone even care? BTW, how productive fishing on company time???????????

MV trailer trash

 
At 11:38 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

OMG, this was my last boss to a TEE! In fact, he's the reason I left that job.

He LIVED to make people as miserable as he was. He'd man the sign-in book even though he had no right to regulate our comings and goings. He even happily told us about the time he got some poor dude fired for some insignificant infraction. I think the guy was maybe a year or so away from retirement.

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger Maulleigh said...

I used to get uptight about a co-worker who would goof off all the time but that's cuz he was on my team and the less he did, the more we'd have to do. Luckily, no one at this job gives a damn about what I'm doing because then they'd have to give up all their goofing off shit. I have the best job in the world!!

 
At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Andy Taylor said...

You don't work in an office. You work in a gym. Would you call somebody that works at a hair salon an office employee? Same comparison. Stop insulting us that have real jobs. Working somewhere that has an office room isn't the same as working in an actual office. My local K-mart and Burger King both have office rooms. The people that work there wouldn't be considered white collar. Neither are you. You are sad.

 
At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't post advertisements on the internet for trainers with your name and office number if you don't want to be narced on. Fool.

 
At 8:26 PM, Anonymous tallyrific said...

it's funny how many people hate you.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Trash - Yeah. Ofcourse none of the Montana Crew, as far as Iknow, were the ones asking you to email them when you got in

Nicole - I will say, though, at least he was your BOSS. Like, it was kind of his job to make sure you were being productive. Still, a major pain in the ass.

Maulleigh - Your boss reads this blog, huh?

Andy - Once again, your assumptions are about as far off as your ill-fated project with Power Station. As MV Trailer Trash (my old boss) and JenJen can attest, I worked in an office environment for two years, and before that spent ten summers working in my uncle's law office (although nobody dared narc me out there). So I am quite well acwuainted with the idiosynchrocies of office life.

Anon - If there are ads for me on the internet, I'd like to see them. Somebody's using my name ilegally.

Tally - It is, isn't it? I'm actually a very nice person.

 
At 6:40 PM, Anonymous J said...

andy taylor,
congratulations. you've made it. you are sitting in a cubicle doing what someone else tells you to do to ensure The Company sells more widgets. and you're doing it for a whopping 50K. what a success story, you're leading quite the enviable life. nice work making that unique and original career decision, you are a trailblazer.

how anyone can be snobby and condescending about being an office drone, i have no idea. its like being a beer snob who drinks miller light. i'll be looking forward to your next comment where you rip on WD's saturn b/c you drive a civic. have a great weekend--while you're shopping at the gap for striped shirts i bet WD will be pondering how he could possibly be lucky enough to work in an office.

i just see your next post listing your salary, position, and car you drive, trying to impress.

"I'm a sales analyst, dammit! Do you know who I am?? I have the cube nearest to the best water jug in the company bitch!" No one cares. Go back to your meetings on teamwork, productivity, and quality control.

 
At 8:18 PM, Anonymous J said...

don't mean to rip on the corporate/office world necessarily--i am heading that way now. but to act superior as if thats the only "real" job irks me for sure.

 
At 4:49 PM, Anonymous white dade said...

what do i know? i like men. i can trust my judgement on fat girls of which ashburnite is one. i bet she is as good looking as shife, betty, and high class jackass rolled into one disgusting mess. she herself has admitted to being overweight and not dating. only good looking girls do that. i'm a fucking retard.

 

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