Passover for The Carb Inclined
For those who are not familiar with Judaism or do not live in
Passover is the absolute worst week of the year for me. I am a carb freak, and limiting what grains I can eat makes me one of the most unbearable people you will ever meet. Last Passover, I punched my friend in the stomach when we were at a Taco shop and he was rubbing in my face what he could eat and I couldn’t. By the 6th day, I snapped at my great-aunt Hilda when she suggested we go to a deli that “I can’t eat fucking bread. Why the fuck would I go there?” So, after years of trying to follow the strict laws of Passover, I have decided that my interpersonal relationships are far more important than interpreted law, and I am making my own rules.
I say interpreted law since a lot of the rules about avoiding such foods as refined rice bran powder were made up by a bunch of guys in beards sitting around in
RICE – Okay, first of all, there is absolutely no mention of rice in the story of exodus that I can remember. As a matter of fact, I am pretty damn sure the Hebrews brought sacks and sacks of it with them, as it is a staple food and relatively cheap. Also, how on Earth were they supposed to eat Chinese food on Sunday with no rice? It just doesn’t make sense. If they had it, I’m sure they brought it and enjoyed plenty. Once they found water.
CORN – Corn is a new world grain, plain and simple. Wasn’t really used before the 15th century. Would the Hebrews have had time to bring it with them had it existed? Who knows? One can only speculate, and I’m speculating that if those Jews were anything like me, they are all about tacos and corn chips. And when was the alst time you saw somebody leavening a tortilla? And what about corn-fed beef? Would that be off limits too? We can go down this slippery slope forever about a grain that wasn’t even known to the people fleeing the desert. Therefore, when it comes to lunch during Passover, I will be consuming as much Mexican food as possible.
LIQUOR – I will avoid beer since it has yeast in it, but hard liquor? Sure, why not. Throughout history every society has prioritized alcohol when considering its necessities. I think my ancestors in the desert were no different. How else do you explain jumping in the
FOOD ADDATIVES – These are in everything. And if my time in the vitamin business taught me anything, it is that pretty much everything that is put in your food comes from corn. Either that or wood pulp. No matter, the Hasidim would not approve. And, seriously, they totally gouge you on those “Kosher for Passover” foods, so avoiding these corn-derived additives is almost impossible and would probably limit me to eating nothing but apples and celery. And if you thought I was bad before, wait until I am limited to foods with a color other than beige.
So call me a bad Jew if you want. I’m no worse than the Catholic kids I know who forego meat on Friday so that they can engage in premarital sex and excessive drinking and drug use. Religion, I think, is open to your own interpretation, and this is mine. I think I’m going to call it “Starch Judaism.” And as soon as Madonna starts practicing, it will become the new fad.