Wednesday, April 26, 2006

You're Not Romantic, You're a Stalker

Gentleman, I know there are a lot of really shitty chicks out there. I know it is difficult to weed through the gold diggers, the self-absorbed princesses, the girls who don’t shut up, the fat girls, the drug addicts and the crazy ones. And I can certainly understand your excitement when you finally find a girl who meets all the criteria you are looking for. But here’s the thing, Bob: She has to like you back.

In the movies and sometimes on TV, that perfect person is perfect for the hero and loves him unconditionally. In the real world, though, it takes a little more than “Hello” from across the room and swelling music to create a storybook romance. More often than not, the object of your affections is not going to reciprocate your enthusiasm. In fact, she will most likely brush you off as just another loser who thinks she is Miss Perfect. When she does this, gents, you better learn how to take no for an answer or you may end up being the object of someone else’s affections. And “no” is definitely not in his vocabulary.

It is largely the fault of stupid movies, mostly starring John Cusak, that show a guy getting rejected but being persistent and eventually winning the girl. Guys, love is not rock climbing. Unlike every cheesy black-framed poster with a motivational phrase at the bottom hanging in office managers’ walls around the country, perseverance is not the way to a woman’s heart. Money typically is, but sometimes confidence, looks and a sense of humor can help. The point is, if you ain’t what she’s looking for, the answer isn’t going to change just because you stand outside her window with a boom box.

Girls are partly to blame, too. You all watch these ridiculous movies, mostly starring John Cusak, and say, “Ooooh, that’s so sweet. I wish someone would do that for ME.” And then when they do you call the police. Much like having sex on the beach, it looks great in the movies, but kinda sucks in real life. What passes for a “grand romantic gesture” on the big screen is considered more of a “Class 2 felony” in most states.

Typically, the girls who you will be after are nice girls. So they will not flat out tell you that you are, in fact, a fat loser who still lives at home and that they want nothing to do with you. Instead they will give you some line about “Not wanting a relationship right now,” or “Not being emotionally ready.” Gents, I guarantee you if Tom Brady came along and said he wanted a relationship, the girl would magically be “emotionally ready.” What she means is that she is not ready for a relationship with you. Actually, it means she doesn’t want one with you at all. Ever. Take the hint, go away.

Obsessive emails and IM’s? Not sexy. Showing up unannounced at all of her social gatherings? Not winning you any points either. Saying things like “I’ll change to be whoever you want me to be?” C’mon, guys! You know girls love the challenge of changing a man. What fun is it for them if you just agree all the time? Getting perpetually rejected and coming back for more does not make you romantic. It makes you a borderline stalker.

You become irritating not only to the female you so adore, but to her friends and, even more so, any guy she might be dating. Yes, that guy is getting the ass that you would sell your left nut for. But you know what? Life ain’t fair. Maybe it’s because he drives a Harley, or maybe it’s because he makes $250,000 a year, or maybe, and I don’t know if you thought of this one, it’s because he doesn’t obsess over her and IM her 150 times a day telling her she’s perfect. Just a thought.

Guys, quit embarrassing yourselves. When a woman says no, it is not a challenge, she is not throwing down the gauntlet to test your affections. She is telling you she wants absolutely nothing to do with you. Take the blow to the ego, get over it, and move on. There a like 3 billion women in the world, and chances are somewhere there will be someone who will feel as passionately about you as you do about her. Quit wasting your time and dignity on someone who doesn’t like you and get some self esteem. And if that doesn’t work, get a hooker. But whatever you do, leave the poor girl alone and learn that not everyone thinks you’re as great as your mother does.

I would like to than kAlice, aka Betty, aka FeistyRed, for inspiring this rant with tales of her numerous psuedo-stalkers. Guys, if she hasn't invited you out yet, she's probaly not interested.


At 12:37 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Thanks for the PSA, did you have to go into that much detail though? But how do you know I wasn't talking about you?

Jesus Christ, I am all fire and no bite. I can't even adequately tell someone I am not interested.

At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Keith said...

Just for the sake of being clear... would 15 phone calls a day be considered pathetic?
how about 5 phone calls and a half dozen or so drive-by's to check if she's home??? friend was just wondering.


At 12:49 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

One of my buddies stalks the girls he dates. I think it's stalking, especially when he does call her 20 times a day, text messages her when she doesn't answer the phone or calls me to call her and find out what she's doing. And they're in a committed relationship.

At 1:21 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Thank you so much for this post, Dade. I loved it. Now if every man in the known universe (or at least the ones on MySpace) would read this and take it to heart....(sigh)

At 2:53 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

Very true--although I do think this one works both ways. For all the guys I've seen who hope that a woman will come around, there are just as many women who are convinced that the asshole they're digging on will develop real feelings for fact, I bank on this phenomenon.

At 3:29 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Bad at Life said...there are just as many women who are convinced that the asshole they're digging on will develop real feelings for them...

Yes, that's true too. It definitely happens, and I've felt myself going that way too.

At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Johnson 316 said...

Tom Brady is no Jake Plummer. How can you top a man with this mustache?

Actually, Tom Brady isn't even as awesome as Gus Frerotte.

At 5:34 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Bad at Life said... "there are just as many women who are convinced that the asshole they're digging on will develop real feelings for them... "

unfortunately, I usually end up being one of them...what does that say about the men I usually date?

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I feel like this blog went from White Dade to White Dading Advice.

Clever pun, eh? Thank you.

At 4:11 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Betty - I don't think you would have suggested I write this if you were talking about me. And I stopped far short of the amount of detail I COULD provide.

Keith - Tell your "friend" Yes, that would all be considered pathetic.

Angel - That is called lack of confidence, I believe. Surprised he can get girsl in the first place.

MySpace - Guys on the internet are a whole different ballgame. I can't even speak to that.

Bad - True. But I insist there are a lot more guys out there who don't take no for an answer.

Johnson - Tom Brady is a colossally ovrrated piece of shit. But chicks sweat him like a goddam Backstreet Boy.

Ash - I would think someone as jaded as yourself would have figured out what is what by now.

Ace - Yes, that puon was clever. But what about my retarded cousin's inner monlouge is dating advice?

At 4:26 PM, Anonymous graig said...

nice usage of 'Bob,' Bob. now eat a west coast baja fresh dick.

and its DEF a slow day here.....

At 11:33 PM, Anonymous Hall of Fame said...

Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time.

At 10:03 AM, Blogger Andy said...

This is a great post. In fact, the best way to get a chick that wants nothing to do with you is to completely ignore her after you talk to her fairly consistently for the first few times.

Of course then you're playing games and no one likes that guy either...but at least you're hooking up.

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Rich said...

Wow. 5 calls a day... 2 to 3 emails a dau!! Oh No! I think I am stalking my own wife.


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