Mayor Has Solution To Miami's Road Rage
“I do understand that this will probably make slow drivers drive even slower, and cause a few more accidents here and there,” Alvarez said. “But really, if you’ve got a blunt hanging out your driver’s side window, is that extra 15 minutes on US-1 really going to bother you that much? Not really, Not really.”
The theory behind the recent legalization is simple: High drivers will be less stressed, and therefore less prone to road rage. Potheads are hard pressed to get off the couch to change the channel on the television, much less start a fistfight in the middle of The Palmetto. People may even begin to enjoy being stuck in traffic, as their elevated mood and feeling of relaxation will be associated with sitting in their cars on the freeway. But not all are excited. Miami-Dade Police Assistant Director Naim Erched was livid in his condemnation of Mayor Alvarez’s actions.
“Is this man insane? We are setting back drug enforcement 100 years! How the Hell are we supposed to stop anyone with this (stuff) in their vehicle? These worthless dopehead scumbags are just going to be like ‘Hey, man, I’m saving it for rush hour. Chill out.’ Unbelievable.”
The Mayor has set out guidelines as to who can and cannot legally be smoking in their cars. And when they can do it. The smoking lamp will be lit on US-1, I-95 and
“Since The 826 generally moves at the same speed as your typical pothead, no difference is expected to be noticed on that road,” Alvarez continued, “Our construction crews are really looking forward to the reduction in profanity and blunt objects being hurled their way as well. Who knows, maybe some of our more drug-ethics-friendly drivers will adhere to the ‘Puff, puff, give,’ mentality and hook some of them up. Wouldn’t that be nice?”
So it seems that the days of mayors getting in fistfights on the 826 are over, being replaced by a large cloud of herbal smoke. The noxious fumes of diesel trucks and stench of burning rubber will be replaced by the pleasant smell of burning blunts and blazing bowls. And while traffic in Miami-Dade will certainly only get worse, it seems that Mayor Alvarez is at least trying to improve people’s attitudes about it. Because, if a problem exists and nobody cares, is it really that much of a problem? Like the proverbial tree falling in the woods, we will never know. But what we do know is that form now on, that hour long drive home in bumper-to-bumper at 5:00 may very well become the highlight of your day.