Friday, May 19, 2006

Mayor Has Solution To Miami's Road Rage

MIAMI – In response to his county’s recent designation as the America’s worst city for Road Rage, Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Alvarez has taken radical action to solve the problem and made his county the first in America to completely legalize Marijuana. On the Freeway. During Rush Hour. In your car. In a prepared statement delivered today at Bicentennial Park, home of Miami’s annual MarleyFest, Mayor Alvarez stated that this step would, at the very least, make people a little less angry about traffic.

“I do understand that this will probably make slow drivers drive even slower, and cause a few more accidents here and there,” Alvarez said. “But really, if you’ve got a blunt hanging out your driver’s side window, is that extra 15 minutes on US-1 really going to bother you that much? Not really, Not really.”

The theory behind the recent legalization is simple: High drivers will be less stressed, and therefore less prone to road rage. Potheads are hard pressed to get off the couch to change the channel on the television, much less start a fistfight in the middle of The Palmetto. People may even begin to enjoy being stuck in traffic, as their elevated mood and feeling of relaxation will be associated with sitting in their cars on the freeway. But not all are excited. Miami-Dade Police Assistant Director Naim Erched was livid in his condemnation of Mayor Alvarez’s actions.

“Is this man insane? We are setting back drug enforcement 100 years! How the Hell are we supposed to stop anyone with this (stuff) in their vehicle? These worthless dopehead scumbags are just going to be like ‘Hey, man, I’m saving it for rush hour. Chill out.’ Unbelievable.”

The Mayor has set out guidelines as to who can and cannot legally be smoking in their cars. And when they can do it. The smoking lamp will be lit on US-1, I-95 and Florida’s Turnpike going North between 6:30 and 9:00 AM daily, and southbound between 4:00 PM and 7:30. "That's what you get for living in Browrad," the Mayor added. The Dolphin Expressway as well as all major arteries will be deemed “green-zones” at the same times Eastbound and Westbound respectively. Old Cutler Road will not have any legal smoking times, as police departments in Coral Gables, Pinecrest and Palmetto Bay claimed that a reduction in traffic citations would undermine their budget by nearly 95%. The Palmetto Expressway, however, will be America’s first and only 24-hour weed-smoking highway.

“Since The 826 generally moves at the same speed as your typical pothead, no difference is expected to be noticed on that road,” Alvarez continued, “Our construction crews are really looking forward to the reduction in profanity and blunt objects being hurled their way as well. Who knows, maybe some of our more drug-ethics-friendly drivers will adhere to the ‘Puff, puff, give,’ mentality and hook some of them up. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

So it seems that the days of mayors getting in fistfights on the 826 are over, being replaced by a large cloud of herbal smoke. The noxious fumes of diesel trucks and stench of burning rubber will be replaced by the pleasant smell of burning blunts and blazing bowls. And while traffic in Miami-Dade will certainly only get worse, it seems that Mayor Alvarez is at least trying to improve people’s attitudes about it. Because, if a problem exists and nobody cares, is it really that much of a problem? Like the proverbial tree falling in the woods, we will never know. But what we do know is that form now on, that hour long drive home in bumper-to-bumper at 5:00 may very well become the highlight of your day.


At 3:00 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

for real?

At 3:27 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Yeah, I'm with Jenjen, for real?

At 3:58 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

God. That would be so fantastic. I'm staring at the Palmetto-Dolphin junction right now. Because it's 4:51 on Friday, there's the typical slowdown westbound on the Dolphin, because driver's can't figure out how to use the the Flyover to 826 South. Oh, and also, for some reason, there's a guy wandering around on the triangle where the flyover separates from 836, intermittently wandering into the crawling flyover lane. No big deal. Milam Dairy is about to stop, because there's a CSX train creeping towards its intersection with NW 12th St.

Maybe I should devote my blog to traffic...

At 4:00 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

It's the only way I cope with my commute from DC to Fairfax County every weeknight.

It's o.k. to go forward, but NEVER GO STRAIGHT!

At 4:15 PM, Blogger alizinha said...

OK, time for me to go make my 20-minute-on-foot commute home.

God, I love New York.

At 4:49 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

JenJen and Angel - YOu tihnk you'd have heard it already if it were true.

Nah - That interchange is absolutely awful. I was there twice today alread. At noon. Still backed up.

David - YOu are not alone in that respect. I suspect many Miami drivers have already found this solution.

Allison - Yes, OYu say that now. IOn the winter? When it's 20 degrees? Where's you're loving on New York then? HAHA!

At 8:30 PM, Blogger Tara said...

"Hey dude, you're in good hands with Allstate auto insurance..It's allllright. Just chill."

At 8:58 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Gawd, that would be great! I think you need to drop that in the suggestion box at the Mayor's office.

At 11:15 AM, Anonymous MiamiGirl said...

Man you totally got the exclusive. Great work!

At 10:08 PM, Anonymous miamista said...

Oh, you mean that policy wasn't already in place? Shit, you shoulda told me man! And here I am all ahead of the times...

At 11:42 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

Wonder what this would do for smog levels...?

At 11:04 AM, Blogger Sexy Lexi said...

I think we're seeing a future in White Dade for Mayor!

If Nagin can win over the Chocolate City again, why not White Dade for the GREEN city???

At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought Miami drivers were already on drugs...sniff, sniff. That would explain the rude driving.

At 3:41 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Tara - That would be assuming Miami drivers had insurance. Which is a giant joke in and of itself.

Ash - All it owuld take would be a suggestion and about 5 million in cmapiagn contributions and I tinhk this could become a reality.

MIAGirl - Yeah. I wish.

Miamista - You and half the other people on the Palmetto. I got the idea for this from a friend of mine that smoke his way from Doral to Palmetto Bay every day.

NIcole - We may learn to love smog.

Lexi - A White Mayor in Miami? HAHAHAHAHA! That's almost as good as Tara insinuating that we all have insurance.

Anon - That's my point. Less coke, more weed, less road rage.


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