An Open Letter To Recently Single Friends
Dear Recently Single Friend;
I am a good friend. I am supportive. I understand that you are a little upset since you and your girlfriend decided to part ways. So I will go out with you, get hammered, take shots saying "Fuck the Bitch," and generally listen to you bemoan the loss of love. And I will do this for as long as it takes to get you over her, provided that period is not longer than two months.
I will allow you one, and I mean ONE, unrequested phone call telling me that you got laid. Because I know you want it to somehow filter back to your ex, and I know you are excited at the prospect of another girl actually wanting your dick. But after that, you are subject to the same rules as every other friend I have i.e. if I want to know if you got laid, I'll ask you. Otherwise, don't fucking mention it. It reeks of lack of class.
But here is what I will not do: I will not follow you around to nine different parties in one night as you talk to every girl in the room collecting phone numbers like they were bottle caps. I will not play wingman every goddam night, even though you know very well I'm willing to go home with her fat friend. Yes, I'll do it, but once in a while I'd like the chance to talk to something decent. I will not devote entire nights out to you finding a piece of ass that you haven't been hitting since 2002. I have a life, too, and a lot of times that life includes getting hammered and not talking to anyone but the dudes I went to the bar with. Which, occasionally, might be you.
Also, please do not make me look like a jackass for bringing you around my female friends. Do not hit on my female friends when they are near-passed-out at a table, and then ask me if they liked you. They don't even fucking remember you. And the ones who do think you're creepy. You ooze desperation and that makes me look bad by association.
And I know the prospect of fucking something that you haven't already fucked 1000 times is titillating, but not every night needs to be devoted to finding ass. Having been single a LOT longer than you, I will tell you that you get laid when you aren't out looking for it. So instead of saying "Well, where are the girls at?" when I ask you where you want to go out, just tell me the place with the $2 drink specials and be happy about it.
If at any time during a given evening you go outside to call/text/meet up with your ex, you are officially sacrificing your ride home. Or any further social contact with me that evening. I am there for moral/drinking support. If I see you on your cell phone repeatedly, I know that's not your Dad calling to talk about the Dolphins game. Get out of my bar and go meet up with her, because I am disgusted with you and would rather drink alone.
Lastly, if you are reading this, and you are a friend of mine, and you broke up with someone recently, know you are one of MANY, and this letter is really a composite of people I've hung out with post-breakup over my lifetime. Is it aimed at you? Yes, insofar as you fit the category of "recently single friend." But just know that this all holds true. So you wanna get together and get shit faced for a good time? Great, I'll bring the beer. But you wanna endlessly chase every girl you see then text your ex at the end of the night? Find another shoulder to cry on, because I'm too busy being single.