Monday, May 22, 2006

Sexual Harrassment and The Publix Deli

Don’t ever let it be said that men cannot be the victims of sexual Harassment. Yes, yes, I know we all saw that movie with Demi Moore that was supposed to convey some sort of power-harassment thing, but, let’s be honest, every man on Earth would do pretty much whatever Demi Moore told him. At least they would have in 1994. No, no, what I am talking about is having to go to a grocery store 5 miles out of your way because the deli lady thinks you’re her baby daddy. Or at least wants you to be.


Since my good friend Graig was a little bug-eyed toddler, he had shopped at the Publix on 144th and US-1. His mom bought him formula there, his dad used to take him to buy ice cream there, he bought his first 20 sack of weed in the parking lot there. That Publix held many fond memories for old Graig spanning the last 25 years. That was until one fateful day this fall, when Graig came in after a late spinning class looking for nothing more than a quarter pound of turkey with which to make his evening sandwich. But it would not be so simple.

Working the Deli counter that night was a woman who we shall call Tanya. Tanya was not exactly Graig’s type, insofar she was over five feet tall, weighed over 95 pounds and was not Hispanic. She was, in fact, the complete opposite. Unfortunately, Graig was exactly Tanya’s type and she spent the entire incident cutting his turkey using sexual innuendo like “You like it thick and juicy or skinny and dry?” Graig more or less ignored her, until he went back two nights later after spinning. Again, Tanya was at the counter, and this time asked Graig if he wanted to be her Baby Daddy as he attempted to purchase a few slices of Munster Cheese. “No, just the cheese, thanks,” responses Graig, ever the diplomat.

It was after two more episodes that involved the showing of a thong (and, man, you have never been turned on until you have seen a pink thong under a Publix Deli Apron) and a seductive handling of a Hebrew National Salami that Graig decided frozen entrees might make a better dinner selection. So, when he returned to his local grocery the next day, he made a B-line for the frozen foods aisle. Having selected his Hungry Man entrée for the evening, he walked down the aisle, turned right, and ran head-on into a large wall of humanity named Tanya. “Hey baby,” she said, “My girls told me you was here. How come you didn’t come by and get no meat? Cuz I know I sure love me some meat.” Graig, slightly frightened, swallowed hard and meekly told her that he wanted to try something different. “Hmm, well, you better come visit me when you done.” Graig nodded and proceeded to the checkout counter, bought his dinner, and immediately broke his promise to Tanya, sprinting to his car like had just stolen the entire contents of the Publix safe.

The next week Graig thought maybe he would go on a different night to throw her off. He walked in, looked over at the deli, and did not see Tanya. Whew. Still, not taking any chances, Graig opted for a Lean Cuisine bag rather than perhaps let anyone think he was going to visit his deli-dwelling admirer. As he turned on his feet to head over to the frozen foods section, he heard a voice coming form the deli. “Oh, look, there’s Tanya’s man. Yo, Tanya, yo’ man is here!” And with that, Tanya came bouncing out of the back of the deli and jiggled her way over to Graig, who was trying to pretend he didn’t see her. No such luck. The next thing Graig knew, he was suffocated in a bosom that smelled of old Pastrami and cheddar. It was during the 30 seconds that his life flashed before him in a green-and-salmon blur that he decided he would have to find a new Publix. And so he did.

Now Graig does his shopping at the Publix on 162nd. On the West side of US-1, which is, to put it mildly, a slightly less desirable neighborhood. Gone is the organic foods section, the deli the size of small hardware store, the full service pharmacy and the bank. In are people with stacks of 400 coupons who bring their 9 kids with them to the store. Gone are the rich housewives stocking up for the week. In are the throngs of construction worklers buying Gotarade and Lotto tickets. Graig can no longer shop at the Publix he loves, all because he made the egregious error of wearing a revealing wife-beater and shorts to Publix. Well, at least we know he will never sexually harass any women at his place of work, as he knows the pain of having to change your life due to someone else’s unrequited obsession.

17 Comments:

At 6:15 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Graig will never win The Belt with that sort of attitude. There's a reason you and I are champions and Graig will always be a pretender to the throne. To paraphrase The Nature Boy Ric Flair, "To be The Man, you gotta throw your salami in a fat Publix worker. Woooooo!"

 
At 12:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

He could have just told her he wasn't interested. But of course, that could make things worse...just like women doing the same thing at work and being called a c*nt. I guess there IS a lesson in this!

But his parents couldn't have named him Craig or Greg? Sup with dat?

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Sofi said...

I really, really feel for Graig. I had to stop taking Venetian Causeway for the same reason. Not only did I have the old Cuban who once tried to kiss me, but also the skinny black guy, who would not lift the gate until he could get a nice view of my cleavage.

 
At 10:04 AM, Anonymous MiamiGirl said...

Amazing storytelling!!

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Tara said...

Poor Graig...That's wrong when you feel you can't shop at the most convenient location without being bothered. He could've talked to her manager after he left, but the nightmare of that would be that Tanya might be the manager.

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger Diesel said...

Did Graig's parents name him after Graig Nettles?

Anonymous: Absolutely the worst thing in a world any guy can do is ever tell any interested woman he's not interested in return. That very action is responsible for more than 50 percent of all tire-slashings worldwide.

 
At 1:03 PM, Anonymous JenJen said...

poor Graig, but hadn't he considered that his face nuzzled in some fat breast meat would make a nice Christmas card this year.

 
At 1:24 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Now you guys know how we feel! I had to start going to Starbucks at a different time because of the perv that groped my ass every day.

And I'm with Johnson- he should've just banged her and won the Belt. What's that they say about sex being like pizza for a guy- even when it's bad, it's still good.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson - Yeha. He would have been the undisputed chamnp with this chick.

Anon - No, his parents wanted him to have an origianl name.

Amy - That same guy used to make me unzip my pants before he's let me cross.

Miamigirl - Thanks

Tara - Had he gotten her fired, though, the other Deli girls would have hated him and probably spit in his sandwiches, so it was a lose-lose.

Diesel - Slashing Graigs tires would improve the value of his car tenfold.

JenJen - Good call. I'll see if I can make that happen

Ash - No, Graig claims to have htese things called "stnadards." LIke guys hwo won't drink light domestic beer.

 
At 3:16 PM, Anonymous Cliff said...

Wow, If going to Colonial Drive was the BEST solution to solving any of my problems in Miami, then I too may make a run for it to Reno...

(and the 144th Publix is also Girl Scout cookie central. Would hate to miss out on those too..)

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Is this for real?

 
At 6:56 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

Has Graig considered patronizing a different supermarket chain while remaining in the good neighborhood? While I remember Publix being a quality supermarket chain, I can't imagine being that brand-loyal. I guess he's been shopping there since he was a kid.

Anyway, as a victim of harassment myself, I understand having to change your schedule around to avoid the crazy ladies...

 
At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hell, I'd do her if she could get me free cold cuts. But, it would have to be free Boar's Head.

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Cliff - Not the solution to all his problems. Just one. But you gotta admit, Colonial blows.

Manola - Yes, it is. Just ask poor graig.

RP - There is no other supermarket in that neighborhood. The only option might be Sedano's. which is on par with a typical grocery store you might find in Honduras and Winn "I Don't Care How Small The Lobster Is We're Importing it Anyway" Dixie. Aka Groceries for White Trash.

Anon - Well, at least you have your standards.

 
At 9:03 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

Just imagine how much more compelling this post would have been if you'd accidentally left out the "L" in Publix...?

Okay, I'm just being silly.

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger NealSummers said...

Go to Publix.com and file a complaint there, giving them the link here. Tanya will be gone VERY quickly after that

 
At 6:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Geez, all he had to do was tell her his gf would kill them both, so he doesn't fool around. End of story. I know. For some rerason fat broads love me. lol

 

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