Thursday, May 25, 2006

Stripper vs. Bartender: Which One's Worse

Many of you, I am sure, are regular readers of my good friend The Assimialated Negro. If you keep up with his blog, a few weeks ago he had developed a crush on a local bartender and had decided to pursue her, stating that “I think dating a bartender or stripper should be one of the items on every guy's ‘100 Things To Do Before I Die’ list.” Yes, TAN, I suppose it is if you also include “Pouring Habanero Sauce on Your Scrotum” and “Spending a Week in a Turkish Prison” on that list. Unless you like to learn your lessons the hard way, dating bartenders and/or strippers is actually something more along the lines of “things I better make sure I stay the Hell away from before I die.” I have already explained to you all why dating a stripper is an idea on par with jumping into a piranha tank with a Porterhouse strapped to your neck, but believe it or not there is one occupation that is worse to date than the professional naked girl. And that would be the bartender.

Bartenders and strippers (and I’m not talking about “working my way through college” girls, but women who’ve been at it for more than a couple years and may or may not be doing it to support their kids) generally come from the same social class as your typical US Marine. That is not to say that they are bad people, but it is to say that they are much more susceptible to pregnancy and Crystal Meth than your run-of-the-mill accountant. These are women who trade on their looks, but lack the discernable talent to make it as models or actresses and lack the discernable brains to make it as anything that requires complex thought. And so they sling drinks. Or g-strings. As you might guess, this bodes really well for any relationship that you would want to last past her first period.

While your typical stripper or bartender will always have enough baggage to fill a U-Haul, a stripper makes a much better girlfriend (well, “better” in the same way George Bush Sr. made a “better” president than his son). “But White Dade,” you say, “I would much rather have nasty men staring down my girlfriend’s cleavage while they order domestic beer than staring at her kidneys as she slides around a pole!” Would you? Would you? Let’s think about this for a minute, gents. What kind of guys go into a strip club? Yeah, you get your occasional group of frat boys or businessmen with nothing to do, but your typical strip club patron is either a dirty old man, an illegal immigrant or a lonely pervert. Possibly all three. These are not men you really need to worry about your girlfriend going home with, now are they?

But what kind of guys go into bars? Regular, normal, good-looking clean cut guys. Guys who are, for lack of a better word, your competition. It is your girl’s job to flirt with them and they will invariably flirt back an may posilby ask for or give her their number. And she may take it. And she may use it. The bartender I dated, for example, had multiple numbers in her stuff when she stayed over after work, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she met up with these guys later "as friends." Right. Because if a stripper fucks a guy form the club she is basically a prostitute. But if a bartender fucks a customer she’s just being friendly and will probably start getting better tips.

Furthermore, bartenders are party girls. That chick who studies and wants to go med school? She’s not taking 6 years to graduate community college and paying her tuition with tip money. THAT girl is out partying, drinking, and hooking up with random guys, hence her inability to graduate in under half a decade. This is not to say that strippers don’t party. They do. A lot. But they party by doing coke with their girlfriends and going to expensive lounges where they pay for all their own shit because they have a lot of cash and are tired of guys hitting on them all night.

Bartenders also like to “go out with the coworkers” after their shift and “get drinks.” And by “get drinks,” they mean “go and flirt with the cute manager/bartender they work with, and possibly a cute customer.” And you are NEVER invited. Strippers, on the other hand, generally mandate that their boyfriends pick them up at work, and do not complain when they show up early. If they do decide to go out with coworkers, it is likely other strippers. That is, girls, not guys. Strip club managers usually resemble the taxi driver from “Wings,” the security guys are bloated juice-monkeys and the DJ’s are either too ghetto or total dorks. Point being that the male coworkers aren’t exactly enticing to your garter-wearing girlfriend, so you have little to be concerned with.

Strippers may be fucked in the head, but contrary to popular opinion most of them are not sluts. You see, strippers are the girls who had extreme Daddy issues and look for a strong male figure to fill that void in their lives. When they find him, they don’t ever want him to leave like Daddy did, so they will not risk that abandonment on some random affair or one-night stand. Bartenders, on the other hand, while still not exactly the cream of the emotionally stable crop, are not as psychologically fucked as strippers, so losing a boyfriend will not send them into a month-long coke binge. Cheating, which she will have an opportunity to do every time she clocks in, is not nearly as big a deal; if you leave, 300 of your replacements offer her their number ever night.

So, gentleman, if you do feel that you MUST date one of these types of women before you die, avoid the bartender at all costs. Strippers may be an emotional rollercoaster and may land you in jail and/or the emergency room from time to time, but you rarely worry about their fidelity. And I’ll take a loyal basketcase over a cheating whore any day.


At 4:50 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Besides just coming out and saying, "don't get involved with the bartender because you have female add, you will get bored, and then never be able to go to that bar again.", you gave a rather intellectual detailed response. And exceptionally right on, as a waitress, I get some numbers and "guys" visiting to hit on me- usually I ignore them (alcoholics). But good argument.

At 4:54 PM, Blogger Betty said...

And when it comes down to it all, this bartender is a bartender in MY BAR. Boy's got no game and it ruins my happy hour.

At 6:02 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Conversely, is it ever any woman's dream to date a bartender/stripper before SHE dies?

At 6:34 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

You have made a compelling case that the bartender is infinitely worse than the stripper. As I read it, I keep thinking of one bartender at a place that I frequent. I am constantly flirting with and kiss her pretty much every time I show up, we flirt, etc., etc. Supposedly her boyfriend is one of the bouncers there, leading me to wonder 1)why I am not dead or at least stabbed yet and 2) how the hell does he put up with this shit? Maybe he's a pretty secure guy, so he regards me and my ilk as harmless.

Anyway, another good post about the downside of silly male fantasies. If one of us could somehow find our way into a destructive relationship with a porn star, I think we would have a book.

At 7:21 PM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

solid argument. But I think you've underscored the "pros" for the stripper a little too much. I still think, fundamentally, it's stil la case of one being a more extreme version of the other. A bartender, for example, is like dating a pothead. A stripper is like dating a cokehead. That sort of thing. Maybe the particulars of her job make her more careful and diligent about protecting herself, but she's still clearly in the more "questionable" position. Obviously presuming we're going this whole judgment route to begin with...

And I still think every guy should experience. We can't live vicariously and learn everything through your experience. You don't really know until you do for yourself ...

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said... a male bartender sucks just as much. Never. Again.

At 12:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You want to know the secret? You got to pick them out of the crowd early. If you can find a girl with “daddy” issues, and that has a decent body, you may have struck gold. This one has a strong fighting chance of quickly becoming a stripper. It’s a gamble, but what fun is life if you don’t thro the dice every once in a while. The trick is to date this girl before she fills her destiny and becomes a striper. By doing this my friend, you have won the game. She’s not quite yet to the point that calls for you to go through all the bull shit of picking her up from a sleazy club which reeks of cheep perfume; but she has all the positive qualities that this profession calls for. She has the essence of a striper.
This may be difficult at our current age being that all the strippers I know went into it a year or two after graduating high school, but if you are lucky enough to stumble upon that golden ticket, you will get see what’s behind the great Wonka factory door and find out where all that sweet fudge is made.


At 10:00 AM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Yeah, the bartender chick is not one to bring home to the parents. And they usually talk like most sailors.

At 10:35 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Betty - Yeah. I forgot to add the part about not being able to go to that bar anymore.

Manola - God, I hope not. And most male strippers are gay.

RP - From what I understand, you're not too far from achieving that. I'll leave it up to you.

TAN - You're right. You should try both. Then you will no longer make the argument you made in he first paragraph. I'm just trying to save some guys some aggrivation.

Ash - My friend has told me as much. But she still goes back to the same bar anyway. Every damn night.

BB - Have you forgotten? I've been in that chocolate factory. And I took up a lot more space than you did.

Angel - No. But I did once bring a stripper home to my parents. That was fun.

At 12:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I'm dating a bartender right now and you're completely right. It's just like pouring Habanero sauce on your scrotum. Sure, she's hot and great in bed, but she definitely has "issues." Long-term prospects seem more and more bleak with each passing day, so it's all good.

At 11:39 PM, Blogger fuss said...

How about just dating a trustworthy woman? What difference does it make what she does for living or what her options are? If she really likes you and knows that you like her for more than just the size of her chest, I think you'll be ok.

Now do lawyer vs. doctor.

At 8:09 PM, Blogger Laird said...

If by "date" you mean carrying on a long term relationship with the overall intent being to potentially marry her, then I would agree with everything you said. However, if one is simply looking for a casual relationship (sex buddies), you can't get any better than a bartender. Hot sex with a hot girl and free drinks at the bar...who cares if she's fucked in the head? I'll marry a nurse or school teacher, but until then, sex with bartenders is pretty damn good. ;)

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Candice Marie said...

I'm a dancer with daddy issues. Reading your blog entry and these comments has lowered my I.Q. Thank God I finish my second bachelor's degree in two weeks because your blog depleted my intellectual fuel cells.

Sir, your writing transcends like a book smart pussy whose life experience didn't develop until his early twenties.
I'm sorry the bartender hurt you. Let it go.

At 5:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, I dated a bartender and I would say your pretty dead on. She always had numbers, had her phone on silent, went out after work with coworkers, I was never invited. She would just say "I want to go hangout with my work friends" and tell me they weren't my friends or I couldn't relate to the conversations they would have and be left out. She was a slut before hand and I knew going into it, so it sucked, but I guess I knew what I was getting myself into. But, good post, I liked it and could relate to it.

At 4:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dj'd for years, and this was SO ON THE $. Ive been with escorts that have had children, and they had less ravaged of a down below area, then some bar tenders with no kids ive been with. Or did you think bartenders just naturally knew how to suck cock that well???

At 6:45 PM, Blogger Kristi Sides said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Jeremy Bean said...

You're a fucking retard! I'm in the bar business and you have no clue what your talking about. That's all I'm gonna say cause I'm choosing not too further waste my time with this load of shit.


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