Stripper vs. Bartender: Which One's Worse
Many of you, I am sure, are regular readers of my good friend The Assimialated Negro. If you keep up with his blog, a few weeks ago he had developed a crush on a local bartender and had decided to pursue her, stating that “I think dating a bartender or stripper should be one of the items on every guy's ‘100 Things To Do Before I Die’ list.” Yes, TAN, I suppose it is if you also include “Pouring Habanero Sauce on Your Scrotum” and “Spending a Week in a Turkish Prison” on that list. Unless you like to learn your lessons the hard way, dating bartenders and/or strippers is actually something more along the lines of “things I better make sure I stay the Hell away from before I die.” I have already explained to you all why dating a stripper is an idea on par with jumping into a piranha tank with a Porterhouse strapped to your neck, but believe it or not there is one occupation that is worse to date than the professional naked girl. And that would be the bartender.
Bartenders and strippers (and I’m not talking about “working my way through college” girls, but women who’ve been at it for more than a couple years and may or may not be doing it to support their kids) generally come from the same social class as your typical US Marine. That is not to say that they are bad people, but it is to say that they are much more susceptible to pregnancy and Crystal Meth than your run-of-the-mill accountant. These are women who trade on their looks, but lack the discernable talent to make it as models or actresses and lack the discernable brains to make it as anything that requires complex thought. And so they sling drinks. Or g-strings. As you might guess, this bodes really well for any relationship that you would want to last past her first period.
While your typical stripper or bartender will always have enough baggage to fill a U-Haul, a stripper makes a much better girlfriend (well, “better” in the same way George Bush Sr. made a “better” president than his son). “But White Dade,” you say, “I would much rather have nasty men staring down my girlfriend’s cleavage while they order domestic beer than staring at her kidneys as she slides around a pole!” Would you? Would you? Let’s think about this for a minute, gents. What kind of guys go into a strip club? Yeah, you get your occasional group of frat boys or businessmen with nothing to do, but your typical strip club patron is either a dirty old man, an illegal immigrant or a lonely pervert. Possibly all three. These are not men you really need to worry about your girlfriend going home with, now are they?
But what kind of guys go into bars? Regular, normal, good-looking clean cut guys. Guys who are, for lack of a better word, your competition. It is your girl’s job to flirt with them and they will invariably flirt back an may posilby ask for or give her their number. And she may take it. And she may use it. The bartender I dated, for example, had multiple numbers in her stuff when she stayed over after work, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she met up with these guys later "as friends." Right. Because if a stripper fucks a guy form the club she is basically a prostitute. But if a bartender fucks a customer she’s just being friendly and will probably start getting better tips.
Furthermore, bartenders are party girls. That chick who studies and wants to go med school? She’s not taking 6 years to graduate community college and paying her tuition with tip money. THAT girl is out partying, drinking, and hooking up with random guys, hence her inability to graduate in under half a decade. This is not to say that strippers don’t party. They do. A lot. But they party by doing coke with their girlfriends and going to expensive lounges where they pay for all their own shit because they have a lot of cash and are tired of guys hitting on them all night.
Bartenders also like to “go out with the coworkers” after their shift and “get drinks.” And by “get drinks,” they mean “go and flirt with the cute manager/bartender they work with, and possibly a cute customer.” And you are NEVER invited. Strippers, on the other hand, generally mandate that their boyfriends pick them up at work, and do not complain when they show up early. If they do decide to go out with coworkers, it is likely other strippers. That is, girls, not guys. Strip club managers usually resemble the taxi driver from “Wings,” the security guys are bloated juice-monkeys and the DJ’s are either too ghetto or total dorks. Point being that the male coworkers aren’t exactly enticing to your garter-wearing girlfriend, so you have little to be concerned with.
Strippers may be fucked in the head, but contrary to popular opinion most of them are not sluts. You see, strippers are the girls who had extreme Daddy issues and look for a strong male figure to fill that void in their lives. When they find him, they don’t ever want him to leave like Daddy did, so they will not risk that abandonment on some random affair or one-night stand. Bartenders, on the other hand, while still not exactly the cream of the emotionally stable crop, are not as psychologically fucked as strippers, so losing a boyfriend will not send them into a month-long coke binge. Cheating, which she will have an opportunity to do every time she clocks in, is not nearly as big a deal; if you leave, 300 of your replacements offer her their number ever night.
So, gentleman, if you do feel that you MUST date one of these types of women before you die, avoid the bartender at all costs. Strippers may be an emotional rollercoaster and may land you in jail and/or the emergency room from time to time, but you rarely worry about their fidelity. And I’ll take a loyal basketcase over a cheating whore any day.