Friday, May 26, 2006

Summer and Suffer are Just A One Letter Difference

So you love summer? Good for fucking you. So I guess it’s Memorial Day and all the people in those snowbound and unattractive northern cities are jumping for joy because the temperature has risen above Freezing-To-Death degrees and women are wearing less that ten layers of clothing. Congratulations, rest of the country. Have a glorious summer. May it find you tanned, happy, and oversexed. But here in South Florida, we look forward to summer about as much as your average Buffalonian looks forward to January.


It started raining last week, and it’s not predicted to stop until, oh, about October. Now, this is not like Seattle, where you don’t see the sun for 9 months of the year. If it were we wouldn’t have all these darned traffic problems, now would we? No, no, Charlie Gas Ball beats down on his namesake state all day long, making everyone dirty and pissed off, until about 4 PM, when the sky decides to piss all over us. After an hour or two, he comes back to evaporate the rain, effectively creating America’s largest outdoor steam room. This makes everyone particularly hot, surly and frustrated since they must now go about their drive home in either A) A driving thunderstorm B) A soaking wet shirt that is made even colder by your blasting A/C or C) A car with no A/C, requiring you to leave you windows down, soaking your left sleeve and making your car reek of mold for the rest of its miserable life. And you wonder why we’re #1 in road rage.

Going to the beach is really fun. There are many days where the sand is so hot you have five less layers of skin when you walk from the street to the shore. Lying out is a not the best idea anyway, since most of that sunscreen you put on to protect you against the UV 112 is sweat out within about a minute and a half. You can try reading, but you’d better make sure you bring a hardback that will give you muscle cramps from holding it over your head all day, since the glue in softbacks tends to melt after a couple of hours causing the pages of your Clive Cussler to go flying three blocks south. Go in the water to cool off, you say? Well, aside from the inevitable thieving of all your personal possessions unless you can learn to say “Can you watch my stuff?” in Spanish, there is the little issue of the Atlantic Ocean being roughly the temperature recommended to cook a lobster. Which is ironic, because that is what most Americans look like after a summer afternoon in South Beach.

And remember all those American tourist girls that you picked up at the bars and played with in the sand? Yeah, well, they won’t be coming around for a while either. But you know who will be coming around? Rich South Americans. Because THOSE girls are always down for a romp on the beach after a couple pitchers at The Playwright. The UM girls are gone too, being replaced in local bars by local girls (and by “local” I think you know what I mean) home from UF or Florida State for the summer. Goodie. More of the lovely ladies of Lourdes Academy. I can’t wait.

Baseball? Don’t get me started. I love the Marlins to death, but read my paragraph about going to the beach above, place it in a mostly empty football stadium with no wind, and put a borderline unwatchable team on the field. Night games are a blast, too, especially when the afternoon thunderstorm has decided to stick around and try and watch the game with you. Rain delays are great, even better when you stay until 1 in the morning to watch your bullpen give up their 14th game winning homerun in a row.

Then there’s that little weather phenomenon we like to call the Hurricane. Mercifully, the season doesn’t start until June 1, but it has now been extended, I believe, into Valentine's Day. Even if we are spared a storm, there will be a minimum of three “scares” spaced just far enough apart so that as soon as you take your shutters down, you are putting them back up again. And when you’re not putting plywood or aluminum all over your house, you can go wait in hour-long lines at Publix to buy water and potato chips, or wait in a gas line to ensure that you can get around what’s left of the city when there is no gas to be had. I am convinced that Home Depot, Publix and Exxon/Mobil are seeding the clouds.

So yes, yes, enjoy your summer you condescending assholes. Just because it’s hot doesn’t mean we can’t be having the same fun you are. We’ll just need a lot more water to do it. And then, when fall rolls around and your girls’ clothes come back on and your barbecues turn back into Foreman Grills? Yeah, I’ll be sucking down a Call-A-Cab at Wet Willie’s and sending you pictures of palm trees from my phone. Have a great summer. KIT

White Dade

19 Comments:

At 2:26 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

Are the Marlins ever going to get a real stadium, or are they heading for Vegas?

Sorry to hear about the steam room you'll be in for the next 4 months. I'll be hanging out on weekends at Lake Michigan which is still freezing cold.

 
At 3:06 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

hey, the invitation to come to DC is always open!

 
At 3:28 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Why Dade, you sniveling brat!, you had to see that coming, right?
Did you write this merely for me....? Flattery Dade, flattery.
As recollection serves me, you left miles of perfectly temperate golden sand, sunshine - bare it's "a dry heat", and a flexible position in a good company, which btw is still open should the hurricane with its marathon feature of gilmore girls finally break your Mia spirit.

Dade, along with employment, I could find you a job too...my sister is a Playboy bunny.

Just say the word. Welcome to the OC.

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger Andy said...

Actually it's pretty darn nice through the fall and girls still belligerently wear skirts and the like.

And if I recall correctly, Miami is Nice from January 1st (when it starts to cool down) until March 1st (when it starts to heat up again).

But really I'm just here to say 1 thing: You and Betty/Alice? Would totally be defeated by me in the Sinatra singing category. You have no idea what you're messing with.

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Not into summer or surf myself.

 
At 5:00 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

suffer is one letter different than surfer too...for what it's worth.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger AlienCG said...

Thanks, Dade. This post makes me appreciate the Great Lakes region a little more. We do get our share of steambox weather, but not to the same extent. I guess we're lucky that hurricanes can't form on Lake Erie. But still, there's something about a woman in a parka...

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

oh ... and let's not forget the mosquitoes, dade!

 
At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"Because THOSE girls are always down for a romp on the beach after a couple pitchers at The Playwright."

How about the ladies in Ted's Hideaway?

 
At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Drunk Mormon Joe *hiccup* said...

I was just having a conversation with my brother and mother last night that visiting Florida in the middle of summer wouldn't be a very smart idea.

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Mini - Vegas, San Antonio, Charlotte. Take your pick.

Ash - Yeah, becasue I understand summers there are REALLY nice

JJ - Along with employment you oculd find me a job? I don't get it.

Andy - Well, I believe a competition wil lbe in order the next time I'm in town. That is if you're not too busy playing Ultimate Frisbee.


Angel - Well then, I guess West Virginia is perfect for you then, isn't it?

JJ - Again, why I don't surf.

Alien - Yes. Women in Parkas just scream sex to me.

Manola - I haven't ofund those to be quite as bad. Maybe because the douse the city in pesticides four times a week.

Johnson - What ladies at Ted's?

DMJ - It's a lot more fun when you drink.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger T. said...

Excuse me, Mr. "I have it great 9 months out of the year" but can't you let us have our 3 months of fun? You hater, you.

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

You know..the 'job'....c'mon, JOB.
JOb = something that playboy girls can be found doing, often...or according to barber shop boys, non-existent after marriage...I was just saying if you needed some action as persuasion.

 
At 9:09 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

You won't find any opposition from me on this one. Give me middle of the road temperatures any day of the week.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger Southern Princess said...

Ok I have been reading your blog for awhile now and I have to say...I think I am in love with you - you are too funny! But what do I know, I am just the stereotypical southern blonde shiksa. **But seriously, you are too great**

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

T- Haven't you noticed yet that I love to complain?

JenJen - I was down there two years and the only time I even got close to that with your sister was when she was doing coke at a party accross the street form me and grabbed my arm and said, "Oooh. So you do steroids? I like it." So I've stopped holding my breath.

Nicole - So you live on the East coast why? Aren;t you in computers or something?

Southern Princess - I have an email. Feel free to use it. I do love Southern girls, you know.

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Not with her! You don't meet the 4ft 5" requirement. Steroid build?, well, maybe that's a porn thing...at least what I gather from late night porn. I think she has lotsa bunny playmate friends hanging around these days...
oh and beware of the Princess part of SP

 
At 4:15 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Just thinking back...Did I just C-block across state lines? I recall someone else mentioning such behavior. Sorry
Sorry again Dade, She seems a nice girl.
JJ

 
At 6:11 PM, Blogger Southern Princess said...

Sorry but it wont let me email you from that link?

 

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