Wednesday, May 17, 2006

That's Right, Buy It Bitch!

We are The Guys form South Florida, we don’t pay for shit. We are masters of the open bar. We tip well and stockpile 18 drinks in under 45 minutes, finishing them all before the ice melts and before either of us yack. And we’re not giving any to you. So don’t fucking ask. We’re so fucking good, we go out to clubs you only see on Extra and Us Weekly, and pay about $20 each for the entire night. And we’re lit. We don’t buy ANYTHING for girls, ever. No matter how hot they are, we’re not giving them shit. But some guys do. Some guys are stupid and think buying a drink will get them laid. Guys with names like Cam and Trev and Topher who wear striped shirts and jeans, fall prey to pretty girls every day and never seem to learn their lesson. And for this they should all be shot. Because without them, girls wouldn’t think they deserved things they don’t. Of course, without them, I wouldn’t have had the euphoric experience I had Friday night.

Before the stabbing, there was an hour-long Open Bar at Mansion. Right next to me and my stockpile an extremely attractive blonde, probably about a 9, was chatting up Cam and Topher (in town from Portland, I would guess) dressed in their Banana Republic Best. After a couple of minutes, Cam, being the sucker that he is, throws down his Platinum Visa for a round of expensive-looking mixed drinks for the blonde and her three slightly-less-attractive friends. He was greeted with a thank you and a prompt migration by said blonde to the other side of the club. Our Striped-shirted hero was left about $48 poorer and with about the same chance of fucking the blonde as the homeless guy outside offering to sell me his shirt. Although said bum was pretty ripped, so he might actually have a leg up.

Fifteen minutes later, we are about four drinks each into the stockpile, with roughly ten still sitting on the bar, and who should walk by but Hot Blonde in a Miniskirt. Yep, the same one that took Cam for that quick fifty bucks. She looks at our stockpile, and then proceeds to stand directly to my left without saying a word. And then she starts dancing. Not with anyone, mind you, or really by herself, but close enough to me that her ass and the occasional hand touch me. Just enough so that I’ll turn around, thinking she’s interested, and start a conversation. A conversation just long enough for me to offer her some of the stockpile. Except she picked the wrong bitter local to fuck with. Living in Miami, you can sense these things, and while it is not every day a tall, hot blonde tries to dance with me, I paid her about as much attention as I did to the guy cleaning up litter on the dance floor. The more she tried, the more I talked to my friend, and the more free vodka-cran I dumped down my throat. That she wasn’t getting.

After about ten minutes, she finally gave up and asked the bartender for two drinks. She gave me a quick glance and smile after she ordered, which I promptly ignored. As she dug, defeated, into her Fendi Bag and took out her LV wallet, I looked at my friend and smiled. “Aw, look at that. Hot girl has to pay for her own drinks. Out-fucking-standing.” We stood with shit-eating grins as she pulled out the only $27 in her wallet and grudgingly handed it to the bartender. I couldn’t help thinking I’d taken one small step for mankind. If no other sucker bought her shit, she would either be stuck drinking tap water or busting out her credit card for the rest of the night, and it was only 11:30. I made her use up all her allotted cash, which she was probably hoping to spend on weed or pizza or something later. Nope, not today honey. Today you made the egregious error of thinking that I was dumb enough to give you anything. And for that you must pay. I think $25 for a couple of dirnks is an appropriate penalty. And not that Grey Goose Martini that Cam would have bought you, but a delicious, delicious Skol and 7. Drink up, you paid for it.

I’m sure you figured we were gay, and that was why I was able to resist your cheap solicitation disguised as a mating dance. But no, I am not. I’m just smart and seasoned, and take pride in teaching lessons to inflated-ego tramps like you. Not every guy is going to be fooled by your looks, so don’t assume you can get whatever you want just because you’re hot. White Dade 1 Hot Chick 0.


At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you, you are my hero! Hit one to educate one hundred!

At 5:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It reminds me of the night you and I went out a few years back - same night your car door was ripped off its hinges by a couple of drunken frat boys in striped flipped collard shirts I believe. The line to get in this shit whole of a bar was a good half hour and it had started raining. Two beautiful girls walked up and started making conversation – This I remember clearly – you said they just wanted to get into the club but I was ass blinded and let them in. You made the deal with them that they buy us drinks in exchange. They agreed and as soon as we got in the club they where no where to be found. So you walked up to one of them, this is the best part mind you, and demanded $3.50 in order to buy your own drink. I still think it was a valid request. All I remember is that from across the room, this girl comes running over to me and tell me that my friend (this being you) was acting way out of line and actually asking for what we had been promised. The nerve of you… All I could tell her is that she and her friend shouldn’t have promised shit if they weren’t going to pony up, and that I didn’t feel at all sorry for her. She gave me this look like she hadn’t thought she could EVER be wrong. It was about this time you came up and said your door had been ripped off and we needed to go. Ah, the good times.

- B

At 7:07 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

good for you! I'm glad there are some guys that don't fall prey to these women. You know what would have been even better? Don't buy the hot chick a drink- and let her see you buying a drink for a slightly less attractive girl (not ugly, just less attractive)- that would really burn the narcisistic bitch.

At 9:17 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

Well played...of course, I'm betting she still managed to find drinks later on in the night. But still, you struck a momentary blow male-kind.

At 12:25 AM, Anonymous Drunk Mormon Joe said...

I like the "pouring random drinks in a pitcher and then serving said drinks to hot blondes, with who knows what else is in it" and "we were walking out of the bar and pouring a beer on hot blondes shirt or knocking it onto her while not being the slight bit remorsefull."

At 12:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who are you kidding? In reality you tend to be impolite, boorish and unkind. How is you’re “perfect” job going? If you had the cash you would you have bought her a drink! As you said “hot blonde in a mini skirt” White Dade’s Dream – Your post was cute but completely full of shit.

At 8:27 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"As you said “hot blonde in a mini skirt” White Dade’s Dream"

Well, even though a hot blonde in a mini skirt might be the dream of lots of men, buying said hot blonde a $25 drink is no average working guy's dream. Especially a hot blonde in SoBe who will take your drink, talk to you for about 5 minutes, realize you don't drive something off of The Collection lot and move on to the next guy who looks like he might. I'll take my mediocre, Bud Lite swilling Tavern skank over hot, blonde $25 drink ordering SoBe frequenting chick anyday of the week.

At 9:18 AM, Blogger Andy said...

I went on some "dates" (labeled so because I later realized the chick saw it as an opportunity for free booze)with some chicks when I first got in the city, mainly because I have no friends here.

I realized after the first one that it was costing me too much money, and that I not only wasn't going to pay money for a stranger's drink anymore, but I was gonna see how long I had to stand there with an empty glass before they offered me one. You wouldn't believe how much free beer I got.

Now I've gotten as far as only taking forty bucks out of the ATM for a weekend and trying to come home with as much as possible.

You should see my checking account now, it's awesome.

Loved the post - eat it bitches.

At 11:02 AM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Guys, I hate to be the one to burst your over-blown condom, but what you are experiencing is known as "pimping for drinks." I don't practice this but I've known women who do. And yes, they are bitches, but poor things, their bodies are their only social currency. On the other hand, no one gets laid for free, which is a risk you take if you're out for the sole purpose of wetting your dick.

I'm concerned though that this typical nightclub behavior is going to turn all of you into cynical, tight wad mysoginists. Because some day, you're going to meet a REAL woman you really dig, and you're going to come across as an ungenerous asshole.

Speaking of REAL women who don't pimp for drinks, you need a change of venue. You aint gonna find one at a SoBe club, honey.

At 11:22 AM, Blogger copyranter said...

Since Edgar Martinez retired, I've needed a hero. You are that person. At least, for this brief moment in cyber time.

At 2:11 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

TM - I hopr it works. but I doubt it.

BB - Yeah, that wan another great triumph. Thanks for mentioning it.

Ash - Yeah, but then, still, it might give the less-attractive girl an ego and she might start doing the same thing.

BAL - I'm sure she did. But at least she got one blow to the ego, you know?

DMJ - Are you goign to start drunk commeting now? Sweet.

Anon - Actuall,y it is 100% true. NOthing to do with the cash, it is the principle. When I know I have no chance, why waste the money. I'm not that stupid.

Johnson - Amen

Andy - How you do that in NY is beyond me. I even went to dive bars there and stil threw down at least fifty in a night.

Manola - I am not so concerned with "meeting girls" at Sobe clubs. If I want to do that I"ll go to The Playwrite. I go to the clubs to et hammered cheap (see the first paragraph). I am well familiar with drink pimping, and I know it when I see it. Why I dissed blondie on Friday.

Mark - Thank you, sir. You mean to tell me Richie Sexon just isn't doing it for you?

At 10:55 AM, Blogger Andy said...

MAnola - I'll definitely buy a drink for a girl I like and that I have come to the place with or just to see, don't get me wrong.

WD - Yeah its not easy, but I don't go out as much as I did thus my tolerance is much lower. I also am just plain getting sick of getting hammered all the time - its getting really old. So usually after 3 drinks and I'm buzzin' a little I'll stop. That seems to be enough for me to still be hilarious yet entirely in control of my faculties and drunk dialing/emailing/texting. Honestly these days I'd rather go to the bodies exhibit or a museum.

At 11:39 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

I don't think I've ever had the balls to try a drink stunt like that. Partially because it's not me and partially because I really don't drink all that much to begin with.

At 7:53 PM, Blogger alizinha said...

There ARE hot chicks who don't expect guys to buy them drinks.

We're called feminists.


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