Thursday, May 11, 2006

There is No Downside to Being Good in Bed

I know I have gone on this rant several, and I mean several, times, but it is really a point I cannot make enough. Girls, you really need to understand that a lot of you are truly awful at sex. I mean downright bad. But guys will never tell you for fear of you not fucking them again, so you continue to think that just because we finished that you did something right. Nope, dead friggin’ wrong. Instead of launching into yet another rant about why women are, for the most part, extremely sub-par in the sexual arena, I will instead explain to you why you should devote more time to honing your skills.


There is no downside to being good at sex. None. ZERO. And being good at sex doesn’t mean being a slutty tramp, either. Quite the contrary. Moral casualty and sexual skill do not necessarily go together. You can sleep with only a handful of people and still be fantastic in bed, and, conversely, you can be a raging whore and have absolutely nothing to bring to the table other than ease of bedding. And some might argue if that was even a skill. The point is, don’t be afraid you’re going to turn into a “slut” just because you act like a porn star behind closed doors. Nobody else is going to know, and if they do, who cares? It’s a compliment.

If you are ugly, sexual skill will at least get you some male attention and maybe even a consistent booty call/desperate boyfriend who will cheat on you. Because we all know when guys get horny that fat girl who blew you on the drive home doesn’t seem so bad. If you are average looking, which most of you are, being a freak in bed will make your girlfriend and potential mate stock rise exponentially. Because no man finds it easy to leave a woman who gives 30-minute blowjobs, even if she is carrying 5 or10 extra pounds. Similarly, if you are hot, sexual skill will open doors to you for anything in the world you want. A 9 who talks dirty and watches porn with you will rate diamonds by date 3.

Sex is good for you. Just ask Dr. Ruth. It keeps you sane and healthy and if you are female and know what you like and can get it from your man, I guarantee you will be happier. Not that good sex is key to a healthy life, but it is a hell of a lot better for you than bad sex, or no sex at all. Women who are sexually open and creative have less hang-ups about their body, worry less about what other people think and exude confidence. Anything wrong with that? I think not.

A girl with a great sex drive can avoid a lot of relationship problems, too. Because people without kids only fight about sex and money. If you and your man are satisfied, that cuts your fights in half right there. Similarly, if you are open to trying just about anything, then the sex in your relationship will not get old or tired, so you will both be more inclined not to stray. And, just so none of you get confused, looking good does not have anything to do with being good in bed. A visual is nice, but in the long run, it goes away. And then you are left with drooping tits and an unsatisfied husband who kicks himself every day for choosing the hot girl who he nicknamed “Dead Fish” over that solid 6 that asked for it in the ass.

And, for the love of God girls, if you are not masturbating you are just wrong. Every guy in the world does it, and most women do too. To the ones who don’t? How on Earth are you going to be able to tell a guy what to do with your body if you don’t even know what to do with it? Did you ever think of that? Playing with yourself can also give you a chance to experiment with different things to see if you like them without involving another person. It’s not dirty, it’s not sinful. It’s a normal way to release sexual tension and feel good without having to deal with any consequences.

As a female, being good at sex is not something you are born with, but there is no excuse for not learning. So talk to your friends, open your mind, and learn everything you can now. Watch some porn, read some books, buy some toys. Experiment with yourself and/or your partner and drop your inhibitions in the bedroom. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Because the best way to keep a man, or to at least keep him coming back, is to give him a night he’ll never forget.

38 Comments:

At 6:29 PM, Blogger threetoedsloth said...

While I agree with you wholeheartedly that women should be openminded and uninhibited in bed, I think you're neglecting one very important point: what men enjoy and what women enjoy are often very, very different. For me, for instance, plain old missionary will give me an orgasm, and almost no other position will. Sure, we'll use a variety of positions in a given session, but my heart just ain't in it until we get to missionary. And the stuff that's featured in porn may appeal to men, but I'm willing to wager that few women are tantalized by the thought of deep-throating, or having a guy spew man juice all over her face, or having him stick his whole arm up into her uterus (not to mention the fact that most male porn stars aren't all that attractive).

So I get what you're driving at, but keep in mind that a mediocre night for you might have been fantastic for her, and a phenomenal night for you may have been not so great for her. It might not be that she's "bad in bed," but rather that your styles are just incompatible with one another.

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Oh, thank God someone had the balls to say it.
Thank you. I will be directing many female friends to this site.

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

I am of the "a lady in the living room, a whore in the bedroom" mindset. And, quite frankly, no longer ashamed of that. I would much rather be open-minded and honest about sex and really enjoy myself than to portray myself as a "nice and innocent girl" and not get off.

 
At 9:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think your premise is right, but your advice is very clueless.

You say that even an "ugly" girl will score points or keep someone coming back if she is good in bed. But men rarely ask out ugly girls, and certainly don't go out of their way to date ugly or average women.

So unless girls wear a sign around their necks saying "Hey, I'm good in bed," which you'd have to admit is very slutty, or walk around naked, how would you know how an ugly girl acted in bed? Do you date ugly girls, and what IS ugly, anyway? If you were dating someone you considered ugly, what would it be, out of pity? That's classy. If you grew to like her, then you'd hopefully not think she was ugly.

The other thing is, a woman has to get a bit comfortable with you and excited about you in order to be good in bed. We are the ones being entered. Just expecting to whip it out and have it be perfect right away is stupid. Sex gets better and better. You can't imagine how many guys I've dated who, when it came time for sex, just lay back on the bed, closed their eyes, and expected me to do all the work. I'm not saying I'd never do it, but there's this attitude that we're supposed to do all the work AND be perfect at it AND get no direction (even though everyone is different), while you just sit there, spoiled. You want good sex? Communicate a little. Don't like there like a dead whale the first time we do it.

You write:

"If you are ugly, sexual skill will at least get you some male attention and maybe even a consistent booty call/desperate boyfriend who will cheat on you"

WOW, WHAT A PRIZE!!! How nice that an "ugly" girl deserves that!!! Do you really feel that someone who is not physically attractive should actually be grateful if she can get some desperate booty?

You know how shallow and stupid that is, right? What if she has a great personality?

" Because we all know when guys get horny that fat girl who blew you on the drive home doesn’t seem so bad."

Sounds like a real reward - she gets to blow you again.

Do you really have such contempt for women that you believe a fat or ugly woman, regardless of personality etc., should be grateful to give a guy a blowjob?

And you don't have a girlfriend? Shocking!!!!

 
At 1:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

White Dade, part of being good in bed is being sensitive to what the other gender wants and feels.

This entry shows you are not paying much attention.

The girl's first comment was correct - you have to make it good for both people, not just yourself. Wouldn't it be a turnon if the woman is actually enjoying herself and not just you?

Your most obviously wrong point is when you say that a good way to keep a man is to show him a night he'll never forget.

But many a budding relationship has ended after good sex. Ask any woman and she'll know of a guy she had great sex with who suddenly became uninterested and didn't call or pursue further dating, and broke her heart. And it wasn't because the sex was bad, it was because he didn't want the emotional entanglement of dating her after all. He certainly wanted to get his rocks off, and he did...then suddenly, the interest in the woman has died.

They don't even necessarily intend it. It's just that sometimes, you meet someone, you have sex too soon, and the interest dies. Whether you were great or not (and really, how much of a difference between women's talents is there? Are you saying a woman who's only a 7 at blowjob giving would not get a second date, but an 8 would? It is sooo much more complicated than that.)

Sex is not about a woman practicing and being "good," it's about both of you enjoying yourself and being excited to make each other feel good. The fact that you are single must mean you've never had good sex, because obviously, you'd still be with the girl you had it with, right?

THe kind of guy who includes instructions and who has no clue about women's experiences is not going to be good in bed, and thus, his partner won't be, either.

People are good in bed TOGETHER. Don't expect a trained professional the first time around. Expect to be with someone you really like, and it will work.

I hope someday you get the chance to fall in love with a great woman. It will kill the blog, but you'll understand how it is for real, emotional, thinking beings to date.

 
At 8:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WD, you've taken what could have been good advice for female friends and turned it into a misogynistic rant. You may know how to fuck, but clearly, you know nothing about making love.

 
At 9:08 AM, Anonymous J said...

Damn. So I guess just thrusting quickly for 30 min doesn't make it good? I've got a lot to learn. sigh.

 
At 9:10 AM, Anonymous J said...

Just kidding!

Except for the last anon, great comments and insight here. Honestly the best sex I've had has always been with serious girlfriends that I've been with for a long time: due to mutual strong feelings (which makes it tons better) and knowing all about what makes them go, communication, comfort, etc.

But...once I cheated with an ugly chick who let me stick my whole arm in her uterus...so that was pretty cool I guess.

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger spinachdip said...

"Honestly the best sex I've had has always been with serious girlfriends that I've been with for a long time"

Same with me. For one, I just can't get into it if I'm not attracted to the girl -and I'm picky as hell- no matter how horny I am.

There's the communication and mutual understanding that J talks about, and girls get less inhibited and self-conscious as they become comfortable with you.

Like J, there's only one casual sex session that topped relationship sex for me, and that involved a jar of chocolate body paint.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger spinachdip said...

oh, one more thing
threetoed.
re: porn stuff that girls don't really enjoy - I've been with girls who get into made-for-porn positions and facials (though not so much the arm thing) way more than I did.

That said, I think hard core porn's appeal has as much to do with power as it does with sexuality (though granted, power can be part of sexuality) and I wouldn't consider the porn stuff to be male fantasies as much as they are a show of power.

 
At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

really, if a girl is ugly but she knows how to screw, she might be able to get a cheating boyfriend? wow, how lucky for her! you're all heart.

wd, where's your advice for ugly guys? what do they have to do to get a girl...be 'nice'?

and shouldn't guys learn to be good in bed?

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger Andy said...

Wow, seriously WD you should force people to keep their comments fifty words or less. Some of these people have too much to say. It gets old to start reading comments for some insight of the masses only to find you pass out half way through. I mean really it's

 
At 10:48 AM, Anonymous A. said...

Being good in bed boils down to NOT being uptight.

Anyone who fails to understand how being good in bed goes a long way in securing happiness in life, love, and relationships is, by definition, UPTIGHT.

"A girl with a great sex drive can avoid a lot of relationship problems, too... If you and your man are satisfied, that cuts your fights in half right there."

Men are 50% to blame because they need to recognize that women start random fights to discharge pent-up sexual energy. Most guys argue back, which is wrong because verbal fighting is a wussy, feminine activity. Next time your woman starts randomly bitching, pick her up, toss her on the bed, and ravage her. If you feel the need to say something, just grunt instead.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger jenjen said...

WhiteDade, excellent. Exactly correct. If you don't have your shit together?

I agree with Andy, 50 words or less.

From these comments, it is not a wonder why divorce is 50%. I was just thinking the other day, 1, how long it took me to reach sexual openess and have fun with it and 2 how every girl I meet has no idea about these things. Men must be so disappointed.

After 7 years with my husband, it is not about being good together. We're terrible together, like 2 kids in a candy shop. It's about physical arousal and the finer points of sex. I don't look at him and think how good looking he is or how spiritually connected we are.

It is a wonder Dade has figured all of this out pre-marriage. Meeting the right girl, he is in for a healthy, lasting relationship. Did I just say that, I mean when he's 70.

Life is simply not this serious as anonymous blogger portrays. You are neurotic at the very least. Things are what they are...stop the analysis.

As for porn...hardly any porn on cable television depicts the images claimed by 3toedsloth. It is totally tantalizing. What you described is gross. Try the Playboy channel. Good God!

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger jenjen said...

"hope someday you get the chance to fall in love with a great woman. It will kill the blog, but you'll understand how it is for real, emotional, thinking beings to date."

THis seems so clueless to me. My real, emotional thinking dating is just like today's post.

Good job again Dade.

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

spot on White Diddy.

I also think in many situations it's the girl who "leads" in terms of how good the sex can be. She sets the tempo. A guy might push the envelope a little to see what he's working with, and then if the response is weak or muted or whathaveyou, he has to scale it back so that at least there's some chemistry/compatibility. But if he knows he's working with a pro, he can let 'er rip.

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

But how do we know if we're bad in bed? Should ex lovers make it their duty to tell each other what they need to work on? But at that point they're probably biased... you know, "I hate you for cheating on me -- by the way, you could work on your technique - less teeth. Just so you know..."

I would say I have a pretty high libido, I watch porn with my male neighbor, and request trips to strip clubs for my birthday. (By the way, here's a little shout out to the IT folks - sup!) I'm pretty energetic and not vanilla, if you will, once I get to know a person. At least I don't think. But how does one know if they're bad in bed?

Now that I think about it, I really should have had words with Premature Paul.

 
At 1:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone wrote: "After 7 years with my husband, it is not about being good together. We're terrible together, like 2 kids in a candy shop. It's about physical arousal and the finer points of sex. I don't look at him and think how good looking he is or how spiritually connected we are....
It is a wonder Dade has figured all of this out pre-marriage."

He HASN'T! He's been saying the opposite. Did you mean to say, Dade 'hasn't' figured it out? He's all about good looks and stuff.

Being 'good together' is exactly what you said - you enjoy sex together. You don't have to measure up to a Cosmo poll.

Dade is overly concerned about people's looks. This girl has been married for 7 years and doesn't sit around thinking whether her husband is cute or not. Precisely.

By the way, people who disagree with you are not 'haters.' We are simply able to point out holes in your argument.

WD, I'm still waiting to hear why an ugly or fat girl should aspire to having some guy call her once in a while for blow jobs.

You were complaining two days ago about IJC's with no personality, but it appears that fat or ugly girls with personality are also not good enough for you, also.

If a girl with a good personality was fat and ugly and she liked you, you'd consider it a favor if you dated her. that's wrong. You should be grateful to meet anyone with a better personality than yours.

I'm waiting to hear what a stuck-up or obnoxious guy should do to make himself better in bed.

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

3TS - See, but a lot of girls ARE into that stuff. And that's what makes them cool.

Angel - That's what i do here. Provide a public service.

Ash - Yeah. That makes sense.

Anon - Whew. Okay, first, a lot of guys will fuck anything. And if "anything" is good in bed, well, she might deserve another chance. Looks are not nearly as important to me as sexual skill. And, yes, guys do need to learn to be good in bed as well, but if I went on a rant about that I'd look pretty gay, now wouldn't I?

Anon - I've had a lot of good sex. This post was inspired by good sex, actually. I try to pay a lot of attnetion to what a girl wants. Unfortunately if she's shy and not into it, I have no idea and hencem bad sex. If she's screaming her head off and asking me to lick her asshole, well, that makes things a lot easier, now, doesn't it?

Anon - Excuse me...Have I fucked you? If so, thank you for the compliment.

J - You have made this point to me several times. The problem is your girlfiend is, shall we say, talented, so your perspective is highly, highly skewed.

SDip - Yes, you and J make a true point, but if more girls were more uninhibited early on, wouldn't it just mkae things better?

Anon - Ugly girls need to really compensate for their lacking in the looks department to get a guy. The list could be a post unto itself.

Andy - Way to edit youself. Good job.

A. - Women start fight to discharge pent up sexual energy? Really? Okay, should I ever get into another relationship I will definitely try that. Thanks.

JenJen - Agian, thank you for that TMI look into the world of you and Surfer Mike. Actually, I tihnk it's kinda sweet.

TAN - Absolutely. Once I know a girl is into it, I can start doing things that I am better at. So, ladies, let us know early on. OYu have nothing to lose.

MPants - I have told an ex or two when we broke up why they were bad in bed. I have also told them while we were together. But I'm an ass like that.

 
At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If a girl with a good personality was fat and ugly and she liked you, you'd consider it a favor if you dated her. that's wrong. You should be grateful to meet anyone with a better personality than yours.

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - Okay. First of all, I am notorious for fucking less than attractive girls among my firends. Anyone who knows me and/or reads this blog reegularly knows that looks are really not THAT important to me. I actually tell friends to look for other things because hot girls, for the msot part, suck. In bed and in life. So stop saying I am hung up on looks.

As for ugly girls being lucky to date me? I wouldn't go that far. But the sad fact is that ugly girls have less to choose from. Sorry, that's the truth. So if they can get a good-looking guy, I guess that owuld make them lucky. IN a sense.

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger spinachdip said...

I would never tell a girl she's bad in bed, straight up, but I've always framed it as suggestions, i.e. "I want you to do ____" or "I like it when you ___", and girls have done the same for me.

Maybe they'll read between the lines, maybe they won't, but the important thing is that we're helping each other become better fuckers.

WD - do I wish they were less inhibited from the start? Yes and no. I do want good sex whether it's the first time or the 100th time, but I can also appreciate that I've earned their trust, and she's not doing the same freaky shit with every guy she meets. You know, exclusive membership and whatnot.

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Why would one consider a fat chick for more than just a blow job? If she wants to give it, why not take it?
Considering a fat girl for more than that =
early death and mourning that person, dealing with emotional issues at every meal, potential fat children with health problems.

Fucking get off your ass, consider what a healthy diet really is and lose the weight. Nobody wants a fat chick for more than fucking unless you're a fat guy.

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger threetoedsloth said...

Well, here's the thing. As a disclaimer, I'm a girl who will try almost anything once with a guy, whether it's sex in public or videotaping ourselves or putting things in other holes or whatever else, and I do enjoy plenty of unorthodox practices (I'm sure people are real interested to read TMI comments like these, but I'm just trying to get the NOT-A-PRUDE disclaimer out there: I do keep KY Jelly on my bedside table).

BUT. The fact is that there's a whole lot of girls out there who are having very unsatisfying sex, solely because they're performing the way they think that a guy wants them to perform, and not focusing on their own pleasure at all. There are girls who act all wild and dirty not because it's what they actually like, but because they're scared that their sex partner will get bored if they admit that doing it on the kitchen table is more painful than pleasurable. I knew a girl who used to brag about all the interesting sex she'd had, and then one night she came out and admitted that even though she had had plenty of sex, she'd never actually had an orgasm with a guy before. And I know that when my relationship with my old college boyfriend was starting to unravel, I got much more "interesting" in bed in order to make him happy, and I consequently stopped having orgasms. I think guys would be startled to learn how many of their prior sex partners were left unsatisfied. Girls don't like to admit stuff like that because they don't want to hurt the guy's feelings or because of fear that he'll think she's "frigid" or something.

I'm sure there are women out there who like very wild sex, BUT, I think there's just as many who pretend to like certain things in order to make a guy happy and to seem more desirable. And a girl not wanting to be rammed at like a castle door doesn't necessarily make her bad in bed: rather, it may mean that it just doesn't feel good!!

You write an interesting post here and are indeed correct with some points, but just be sure that you consider that perhaps at least one of your more memorable sexual conquests might have gone home bruised and battered the next morning thinking, "I hope I never have to do THAT again!"

(Sorry for the length of this comment, I just have a lot of opinions of this subject matter!)

 
At 3:14 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

My ex was a big slut but she was terrible in bed. What point am I trying to make? None. She's just a big slut.

 
At 3:30 PM, Blogger alizinha said...

To be good in bed, you've got to be willing to go outside of your comfort zone, try new things.

If my taste in food when I was a kid were the same now, people would call me a picky eater and say I had an immature palate. The only way I learned to love cilantro was to keep eating it until that weird, metallic taste turned into something I couldn't get enough of.

Same goes for sex. You need to try something MORE THAN once before you decide definitely whether or not it's for you.

Of course, the important thing is that YOU decide what to try: let no one coerce you into anything, and you've got nothing to feel guilty about.

But if you're willing to go out on a limb and give your partner something he/she has been begging for, you might be surprised to find out how much you enjoy having that power over them. And then after awhile, it goes from enjoying that power to enjoying the act itself, in and of itself.

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger Andy said...

We're all blogging nerds. Stop arguing! The fact that any of us have any sex at all is a bit of a miracle...I am really praying for a miracle soon myself.

 
At 3:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I've had a lot of good sex. This post was inspired by good sex, actually."

So the NYC trip was successful after all. More details please.

Alice, Alice, I hope it was Alice.

 
At 3:46 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

No lie, just read in Oprah mag June, pg 163 "education begins in the personal massagers section of a discreet midtown Manhattan shop called Eve's garden."
Oprah sums up the better points of Dade's post exactly on pg 163 'Sex Toys Doctor Prescribed'.

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Sdip - I was never realy into that "You're only doing it for me," thing. Personal taste, I suppose.

JenJen - Exactly. Respect is another reward you get for leading a healthier lifestyle. Can you tell JenJen was raised in Orange County?

3TS - Perhaps that goes back to the issue of sexual compatibility. Like, if you're not into that stuff, you should be with someoen who isn't either.

Johnson - Thank you. I'm glad you were able to contribute that.

Alison - Interesting point, but still....That may only translate to being good with that person and not good overall. Training, perhaps?

Andy - I'm hoping with you, bro.

 
At 4:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"And a girl not wanting to be rammed at like a castle door doesn't necessarily make her bad in bed: rather, it may mean that it just doesn't feel good!!"

Hahahaha. That bears repeating.

And ust as guys want us to tell them when we are enjoying ourselves, we wouldn't mind direction from you, too, in a nice way. Just assuming that we know what you want isn't fair.

 
At 10:42 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

Dade, I honestly think you need to change the name of this blog to "The Dade You Love to Hate."

But hey, the lack of love certainly keeps 'em coming back, doesn't it? ;)

 
At 11:39 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

First of all, Andy, miracles do happen. You hang on.

As for the overall point, while, of course, women (or men, for that matter) shouldn't do things they don't enjoy in bed, it can never hurt for anybody, of either sex, to expand their repetoire as much as possible.

You can never have enough "shots in the bag", to use a golfing term. The more you and your partner are able to do, the more likely it is that you and and whoever you are with will find things that you can enjoy and explore together.

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger copyranter said...

since you posted this, 3 young women have been eaten by gators down your way. just saying.

 
At 4:36 PM, Blogger Betty said...

I have been ignoring this stupid argument because it's so completely generalized that it's more of a PSA than anything. But I saw Anon's comment about me and thought it was extremely funny. My best sex ever came in the form of a one night stand- I am somewhat confused because it was more of a "technique" best sex ever. I would say the rest of my sex mediocre or average is just that- I think the best sex is yet to come for me.

 
At 10:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Why would one consider a fat chick for more than just a blow job? If she wants to give it, why not take it?
Considering a fat girl for more than that =
early death and mourning that person, dealing with emotional issues at every meal, potential fat children with health problems."

Hmmm, this coming from a woman is suprising, if nothing else. I would venture to say that being fat is a whole lot better than being a skinny, depressed, alcoholoic, druggie, embarassment to your children mom. What kid wants to have a mom like that? I can tell you I would rather have my mom be a bit on the heavy side than all the above mentioned things. And by the way, any idiot that offers respect to someone only because they are skinny is a complete moron. Respect is earned through character and human acts of kindness or generosity. Being a skinny bitch does not = respect.

 
At 3:09 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Would someone who graduated top of her class in a discipline known for putting out consecutive nobel prizes in that discipline, single income earner, 2 children, full-time job, injured husband, shows up at every sports game, eats extremely healthy, exercises everyday, reads to baby every day, baths baby everyday, goes over homework everyday, wakes up to rock baby every night be more admirable. Because I am all of those things too, you stupid fuck. Fuck yeah, I'm depressed, I do my best to enjoy a little too.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

"As a female, being good at sex is not something you are born with, but there is no excuse for not learning."

1. Be careful with your dangling modifiers.
2. Men are not born with it either, babycakes.

 

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