Wednesday, May 10, 2006

USMC and IJCs Do Not Mix

My friend Boca, he’s not like the rest of the people I know in New York, Since breaking up with his long-time girlfriend this February, he has been on an all-out girl hunt. A Jewish Girl Hunt. In New York. I know, this could be fodder for a hundred blogs, but I will only relate to you a story form this weekend that proves that you can dress a JAP up pretty, put her in med school, give her good grades, but, at the end of the day, she is still dumb as shit.

Boca invited me to a party for one of his friends at some bar with a monosyllabic name on 1st Ave between 73rd and 74th streets. Since I went straight there form a casual dinner, I was dressed in a grey USMC t-shirt and jeans. Perfectly appropriate for a seedy bar, and always appropriate for attracting drunk college girls, but, needless to say, wholly inappropriate for a monosyllabic lounge on the Upper East Side.

What was on the dress code, surprise surprise, were striped shirts and jeans for guys and all-black for the girls. And the girls were, frighteningly, straight out of The IJC; short, dark, and painfully Jewish. I think if you threw a gallon of Tasti-D-Lite in the middle of the room you could have caused a stampede worthy of a Brazilian Soccer Match. And while Boca was nice enough to introduce me to some of these girls, I really was in no mood to be hitting on JAPs at that point and therefore didn’t attempt much in the way of conversation. The $6 Bud Lights didn’t help either. But there is a twist: Unlike your typical Murray Hill Diva, these girls did not have seemingly lofty social service jobs that paid shit while Mommy and Daddy picked up the tab at Windsor Court. Oh no. These girls were in Med School. Driven. Ambitious. Not just looking for a man to pay their bills. Right.

The first time it happened, I thought it was a joke. A Rachel walked up to me and said “What does USMC stand for?” The usual litany of smart assed responses ran through my head: “Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children,” “U Signed The Motherfucking Contract,” “U Suck My Cock,” but instead I just smiled and said that it stood for “US Marine Corps” and that I had been in for 6 years. I guess you don’t get a whole lot of former Devil Dogs at Jewish Med-School parties.

But then another Lauren approached me and said “What school is that?” Excuse me? What school? The school of I’ll fucking kill you, you stupid bitch, that’s what school. Do you not watch the news? Oh, wait, of course you don’t. It’s on opposite the WB reruns of “Friends.” I asked her if she was serious, and she was. So I gave her the truthful answer, and informed Boca that this group of “smart” girls were, in fact, about as bright as turnips.

So when a THIRD Becca walked up to me and asked what school USMC was, I about lost my shit. I told her it stood for “University of South Missouri College,” to which she nodded and said, “Ooooh. Where is that?” Are you fucking kidding me? Where is that? In a magical land where girls know geography and current events, that’s where. I politely told her it was somewhere near Sikeston. Again, a bewildered look. Then I told her that was near the Arkansas border. As soon as I mentioned a state south of the Mason-Dixon, she lost interest and went away.

So, basically, a stereotype was once again perpetuated by a bunch of girls in Med School who couldn’t bother themselves to learn the Acronym for the nation’s finest fighting force. If you can take the time to study that much and get into Medical School, why on Earth is it so freaking difficult to learn something about the country you live in. Do you think any of these so called “smart girls” could name the Secretary of Defense? How about the Speaker of the House? Or what County New York is in? Doubtful, unless they’ve been arrested. Every time I start to think the Haters might be right, and that I am too hard on people, shit like this happens and I am validated. Ladies, if you want guys to stop thinking of you as stupid and shallow, start learning a little about the world outside of your little one. Because, ultimately, it is a lot more relevant than you think.

32 Comments:

At 5:22 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

hey!!! welcome back! I was worried you were going to stay and NY and become a snobby NY blogger. We've missed you.

 
At 5:31 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

You mean there are self-centered people with their heads up their asses in New York? Perish the thought. I might bitch about Charlottesville, but I'd rather live here for 50 years than live anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon line for a week.

 
At 8:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you purposely went into a really expensive neighborhood, went into a shallow bar, with your shallow friend, and miraculously...

you met shallow girls.

And then you use that as a basis to address "Ladies."

If you had gone to one of the less swanky neighborhoods, or maybe checked out one of the Boggle nights or comedy shows or trivia nights around the city, you would surely meet intelligent girls. But no way, you are 6 feet tall and could never do something so nerdy to meet women.

Have you ever gone to any of these other activities? Do you do anything intellectual or creative at all? Reading group?

As the OAF posts asks.

You mentioned haters, but there are no haters posting here. The responses are just defending women. That's about you being a hater, not them.

You are still a lot more intelligent in your posts than IJC, but your latest only confirms that you fit several criteria of an OAF.

If you'd passed three black women on the sidewalk who were loud, would you address your next post to all black ladies? I doubt it.

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger Diesel said...

I am no White Dade defender. In fact, this is the first (and probably last) time I'll ever post a response on his site. But I felt compelled to reply to anonymous:

STUPID PEOPLE ARE INSIDIOUS.

I don't really care about JAP-bashing, though you clearly do. But I think it's hilarious that you present "reading groups" as an alternative venue where all the smart ones are hanging out. Puh-fucking-leeze. I've been to those things, and I'd venture to say that they play host to some of the stupidest people I've met in my life. Or at least a lot of people who are allergic to original thought. At the least, there is nothing intrinsically "intellectual" about reading groups. You're simply displaying a complete disregard of the word.

So, please, quit with the horseshit about "intellectual" pursuits, and go back to slamming what you believe are latently racist remarks.

 
At 9:50 PM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

A yiddisher Teuyfelshund? Dos gibt's doch!
(Translation: A Jewish Devil-dog? There IS such a thing.)

Um, "Benning School for Boys?" Oh, no, sorry, that's Army.

Anyway, MY excuse is that my family is all Navy or Redleg. Or IDF or Legion étrangère. We'll let you guys hit the beaches.

Sorry to hear that you met lots of vacuous IJCs. However, I'm surprised that none of "Daddy's Little Girls" wanted to be put in their places with a little sado-maso role-play Abu Ghraib-style with your bad@$$ Marine self. I'm SURE they'd love to vamp for your camera with an Arab on a leash, and once the two of you waylaid an unsuspecting cab driver, that would be easy to arrange.

Then again, why would you want to put a fellow man, even perhaps an undercover Mujaheed "sleeper", through that kind of torture?

Bear in mind, where *I* come from, the IJCs are thin, tan, in uniform and packing heat. I hung out at intermission at the Khan Theater in Jerusalem once with the cutest Sephardi woman and an old-school (i.e. ex-USA-issue, I have NO idea where/how/why she got it) M1911A1.

(Ducking the ensuing flames.)

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger spinachdip said...

"You mean there are self-centered people with their heads up their asses in New York?"

Please, that's Upper East Side. Please don't paint us with the same brush that you paint that black hole of humanity.

 
At 11:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is that a water with a lime in it? I heard Boca was famous for passing the water off as something else!

 
At 12:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Diesel, fair enough.

Spinachdip, yesss!

Okay, I think I've made my point.

White Dade actually seems like a halfway decent guy. IJC, I dunno about.

Back to your normal blogging. At least White Dade can write, so that's kind of cute.

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

It's the reason they're still single. Did you buddy at least hook-up?

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger Sexy Lexi said...

U Suck My Cock.....HILARIOUS. I'm no JAP, but I would have fallen for you with that line!

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

That "OAF" chick is trying to plug her blog in your comments section as well as the IJC's. Apparently, no one told her that the way to get traffic on your blog is to write something intelligent or funny. Oh well, to each his own. But I applaud her efforts- she certainly is persistant.

 
At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not want traffic on the blog - the purpose of OAF is to point out why guys with the exact same traits keep meeting the same kind of girls. They have to change their behavior if they don't want to meet girls who are just as unemotional, uncreative and uneducated as them.

I haven't seen one single person here denying that White Dade, IJC and Larry have pretty much the same handful of traits. They meet women only in swanky bars, they never display emotion (sweeeet doesn't count), and their only creative hobby at all is bashing on women who are the female equivalents of THEM.

Larry, White Dade, what do you do with your free time that's intelligent or creative? What do you find lovely or beautiful? Nothing, I gather (except tits and ass). I think the answers to my questions are obvious.

And if you don't change, how can you meet a decent woman with personality?

Trying to be Vince Vaughan, not displaying emotions, original thoughts, or hobbies...is not the way to get an intelligent, warm girl.

Neither is only intending to meet girls at bars. Of COURSE girls at swanky bars are brainless. DUH. But there isn't any other way White Dade, IJC etc. would intend to meet girls. They want to keep their behavior (oaf) exactly the same, then meet the kinds of girls in their usual circles, and hope they have brains and warmth in addition to boobs, height and slimness.

You are meeting women who are EXACTLY like you are. You just think you deserve a girl someone twice as good as you, without any effort.

You want to complain, complain - but don't deny that you have pretty much the same characteristics. I could care less about traffic on the site; I think the point is obvious. Before telling all women to change, based on the dullards you meet in your dull circles, at least consider changing, too.

Otherwise, at least acknowledge, in your complaints, that you don't deserve better.

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger Betty said...

Dude, does anyone else think that OAF is stupid and poorly written. Ladies, your branding mechanisms aren't working. Go back to your day jobs.

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Betty- I wholeheartedly agree. Quite frankly, I am getting tired of seeming this chick spamming her blog all over everyone's comments sections. There's something really seedy about it.

 
At 10:56 AM, Anonymous David in DC said...

"Better to remain silent and be thought an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

(I've seen this attributed variously to Mark Twain and to Groucho Marx.)

Our friend anonymous is the best proof that whoever said this was right.

Never trust anyone who lacks a sense of humor.

 
At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

Oh, Dade, they wanted you so bad...Do you know how "cool" you have to be before a JAP will APPROACH YOU in a trendy Manhattan bar?
They were trying to place you socially (and geographically) in order to figure out if they'd be COMFORTABLE sleeping with you, they were ALREADY EXCITED. Hebraic panties dripping and Red Sea Pedestrian hearts all a-twitter at your bad yiddisher Taifelshund self.

Assuming you're willing to sell out your integrity for a quick lay (which I am, because in my experience a quick lay has been rarer than a Middle East cease-fire--ja, I know you'll say "You're either dealing with the wrong chicks or negotiating with the wrong terrorists..."--), you might simply say.

"USMC? Where's that? Parris Island, South Carolina!"

Which Lauren, Rachel, etc. will hear as "PARIS Island", and you can intimate that you've gone to school in a vaguely Hilton Head-ish type place.

One man's free buffet of gefilte fish is indeed another man's poison...

 
At 11:34 AM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

This anon person is hilarious.

You know, On the C was awfully swanky and surrounding yourselves with us big-boobied, size 0, stupid ladies was just so typical of you. I feel so used.

By the way, like, what do you drive and how much do you make?

 
At 11:50 AM, Anonymous Larry said...

You know, the funniest thing about whoever this anonymous commenter is who started the OAF blog is that she has absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

Anon, have you ever read a single post on my blog? You're asking us to stop lopping all women into one stereotype - which, by the way, is so far from what any of us actually do, and if you removed your head from your ass for more than three seconds you might actually realize that - but what the hell do you think you're doing with your stupid OAF blog? Pot, kettle, black.

I wasn't even going to waste my time responding to any of your idiotic comments, but the mere fact that I don't even share a single trait in common with what you deem to be an OAF (yea, because anyone who knows me knows I'm constantly going out to trendy, expensive bars, flashing my rolls of cash and hitting on vapid women) tells me that you haven't even bothered to read anything I've ever written.

 
At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok, what do you do that's creative?

if you really arent an oaf, then i concede. good luck with everything.

as for it not being well written, youre right. when in rome.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

You uncreative cruel fuck Dade!

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

ok, Dade- I am going to stop coming to your blog because I read the OAF blog and realized that you are an oaf. Nevermind the fact that the chick that wrote it doesn't know you at all, and is lumping all of you guys together in one category, yet criticizing you for lumping all women of a certain group in one category (hypocritical much?).

I've decided that since you write about certain types of women who are vapid, you must hate all women and never get laid.

Just kiddin, sugar- those of us with a sense of humor and a few brain cells actually enjoy you, Larry, and IJC.

But I think you should write about killing puppies- that way, you can atract a whole other group of haters.

 
At 2:27 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Just what is the problem with acting like Vince Vaughn? He gets to bang Jennifer Anniston, hang out with cool people, he could sit there picking his nose for two hours on film and it would rake in millions. Sounds like The Oaf lifestyle is the one for The Johnson. Fuck art, emotions and short, cropped hair with sideburns rock. Dude....SWEEEEEEEEEEET.

 
At 4:27 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Ash - New York is like Vegas for me. Five days and I'm burned out and ready to go home.

Johnson - You'd think going to UM would have taught you that.

Anon - I met a lot of really quality people in NY. Most of them left comments here. That being said, THAT type of girl, the type my mom wants me to marry, sucks.

Diesel - NOt a defender, but defending me anyways. I'l ltake what I can get.

Eurosabr - Israelis are a totally different brand of Jew. I tinhk they actually fall into a separte ethnic category of "Israeli." So it's rare for those girls to approach me? Damn, I missed out. I'll know for next time.

Suki - NO, I did not paint you all with that brush. Hence my geographic description of where I was.

Anon - That is indeed. But he'll never admit it.

Anon - Halfway decent? Wow, cool. Thanks.

Angel - No, he did not hook up. But it was not for lack of effort.

Lexi - Really? I never knew you could get a girl by demanding oral sex. I'm going to try that more often.

Betty - Yes, a lot of people do. I am going to start spamming on your site just for my own amusement.

David - Yep. The Humor Imapred are always up to something.

Euro - Seriously, where were you on Saturday. I oculd have had any girl in the place with your guidance. OKay, next time.

MPants - I know. Just perpetuating the stereotype. I drive a Blue '02 Saturn and make a lot less than I was a month ago.

Larry - How many times have we said it? Some peopel just miss the point entirely. If by Swank Establishment you mean East Village Dive Bar and by Vapid Women you mean girls from Kansas, then Yes, Larry. You are guilty as charged.

Anon - I almost feel bad that tou have incurred the wrath of both men and women by posting your site here and with Larry and IJ. Then I realized you stepped into the lions den with a steak strapped to your back, so what do you expect. Kind of like posting a negative article about Jenn Sterger on Warchant.com.

JJ - Thanks. I needed that.

Johnson - Yeah. I really see no problem with that.

 
At 9:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I almost feel bad that tou have incurred the wrath of both men and women"

Wrath? I don't see it. Why would you feel bad? I'm calling you out - correctly, I might add - and a few of your friends are defending you.

I'd expect your readers to defend you. That's par for the course. I write these posts not because I care if people agree or disagree with me, but because of YOU and the fact that your posts are so obviously hypocritical and backward.

Your latest one about ugly girls, and how they might get laid if they were good in bed, proves my point. You can scream all you want about what a "nice" guys you and Larry and IJC are, because most people believe themselves to be nice. But you just don't get it.

I just meet so many men with shit for brains and obnoxious, spoiled personalities, who think they deserve women who are perfect 10s in beauty, personality and brains.

And then they can't understand why they're not getting it. The answer is, they rank about a 2-3 in personality, and negative 3 in kindness.

I once had a guy tell me on a first date that he liked that I wasn't ugly, and he "didn't date ugly girls." You strike me as the kind of guy who'd say something like that, too. Well, guess what. He was a jerk. So I stopped dating him. Yes, he held doors open for me, but anyone can hold a door open...deep inside, he was obnoxious and arrogant and judged people solely on outer beauty.

Does your mother really want you to marry a superficial woman who doesn't know what USMC is? I doubt it. She probably wants you to marry a nice girl with a good personality, just like you do. But you are so busy looking for excuses for why you can't find anyone that you have to blame mom, or Jewish women.

For God's sake, man, grow up and take some responsibility.

And date Ashburn, since she thinks you're a prize. Don't tell me the distance is the problem. She's the only girl who thiks the way you think is fine. In fact, you'd be lucky to have any girl fooled, so you better get a little desperate and take what you can get: Ashburn.

 
At 9:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I almost feel bad that tou have incurred the wrath of both men and women"

Wrath? I don't see it. I'm calling you out - correctly, I might add - and a few of your friends are defending you.

I'd expect your readers to defend you. That's par for the course. I write these posts to point out to you and your readers than your posts are so obviously hypocritical and backward. I don't care if they get it, but I care if you do - because you don't even look at what you write.

Your latest one about ugly girls, and how they might get laid if they were good in bed, proves my point. You can scream all you want about what a "nice" guys you and Larry and IJC are, because most people believe themselves to be nice. But you just don't get it.

I just meet so many men with shit for brains and obnoxious, spoiled personalities, who think they deserve women who are perfect 10s in beauty, personality and brains.

And then they can't understand why they're not getting it. The answer is, they rank about a 2-3 in personality, and negative 3 in kindness.

I once had a guy tell me on a first date that he liked that I wasn't ugly, and he "didn't date ugly girls." You strike me as the kind of guy who'd say something like that, too. Well, guess what. He was a jerk. So I stopped dating him. Yes, he held doors open for me, but anyone can hold a door open...deep inside, he was obnoxious and arrogant and judged people solely on outer beauty.

Does your mother really want you to marry a superficial woman who doesn't know what USMC is? I doubt it. She probably wants you to marry a nice girl with a good personality, just like you do. But you are so busy looking for excuses for why you can't find anyone that you have to blame mom, or Jewish women.

For God's sake, man, grow up and take some responsibility.

And date Ashburn, since she thinks you're a prize. Don't tell me the distance is the problem. She's the only girl who thiks the way you think is fine. In fact, you'd be lucky to have any girl fooled, so you better get a little desperate and take what you can get: Ashburn.

 
At 8:59 AM, Anonymous J said...

Anon,
Don't assume you know someone by reading a few paragraphs of their writing. Does tap-dancing or musical theatre or choir count as intellectual pursuits?

Also, Israeli girls are outstanding! Quite good-looking and forward. I think many Jewish girls fit in my category of getting worse as they "Americanize". i.e. Cubans from Cuba are great ppl, in Miami they suck.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger spinachdip said...

WD - the Upper East Side thing was in response to Johnson's comment. I basically look at 23rd Street the same way he does the Mason-Dixon line. Cross only when absolutely necessary.

And hey, sorry for not talking to you... at all, pretty much when you were up here. It wasn't that I was trying not to talk to you or anything. I'm not the most socially adept.

Anon - Have you ever thought about starting your own blog?

 
At 9:01 AM, Anonymous J said...

Sikeston, MO: raise up. Take your shirt off. Wave it around your head like a helicopter.

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger Andy said...

Dear Anon,

Please start your own blog so I can not read that instead of not reading your obnoxiously long comments.

Love,

Andy

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger Miamista said...

Dude, i read you blog all the time. Tell me you didn't think they were serious? Either they were using it as a convo starter or being what they thought was snobby clever. If it was the former you should have teased it out. If the latter you should have said fuck you used iron ons and your illiterate- doesn't it say fuck you!

And what's up with the Virginia love shit? I lived there and there ain't shit to miss in Charlotte but some fugly UVa chicks.

You're funny as fuck though man. Keep this shit coming!

 
At 4:56 PM, Anonymous Fellow Bellouwoodsman said...

semper fi brother, good shit and well handled

 
At 10:32 PM, Anonymous medstudent said...

I'm not surprised at all. Med school mind-fucks your brain with so much shit that a lot of formerly intelligent people seem like morons when you try to talk to them about anything outside of what they're studying. The human brain can only hold so much. But those girls were probably actually morons. There are also a lot of genuinely stupid fucks that somehow get it.

 

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