USMC and IJCs Do Not Mix
My friend Boca, he’s not like the rest of the people I know in New York, Since breaking up with his long-time girlfriend this February, he has been on an all-out girl hunt. A Jewish Girl Hunt. In New York. I know, this could be fodder for a hundred blogs, but I will only relate to you a story form this weekend that proves that you can dress a JAP up pretty, put her in med school, give her good grades, but, at the end of the day, she is still dumb as shit.
Boca invited me to a party for one of his friends at some bar with a monosyllabic name on 1st Ave between 73rd and 74th streets. Since I went straight there form a casual dinner, I was dressed in a grey USMC t-shirt and jeans. Perfectly appropriate for a seedy bar, and always appropriate for attracting drunk college girls, but, needless to say, wholly inappropriate for a monosyllabic lounge on the Upper East Side.
What was on the dress code, surprise surprise, were striped shirts and jeans for guys and all-black for the girls. And the girls were, frighteningly, straight out of The IJC; short, dark, and painfully Jewish. I think if you threw a gallon of Tasti-D-Lite in the middle of the room you could have caused a stampede worthy of a Brazilian Soccer Match. And while Boca was nice enough to introduce me to some of these girls, I really was in no mood to be hitting on JAPs at that point and therefore didn’t attempt much in the way of conversation. The $6 Bud Lights didn’t help either. But there is a twist: Unlike your typical Murray Hill Diva, these girls did not have seemingly lofty social service jobs that paid shit while Mommy and Daddy picked up the tab at Windsor Court. Oh no. These girls were in Med School. Driven. Ambitious. Not just looking for a man to pay their bills. Right.
The first time it happened, I thought it was a joke. A Rachel walked up to me and said “What does USMC stand for?” The usual litany of smart assed responses ran through my head: “Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children,” “U Signed The Motherfucking Contract,” “U Suck My Cock,” but instead I just smiled and said that it stood for “US Marine Corps” and that I had been in for 6 years. I guess you don’t get a whole lot of former Devil Dogs at Jewish Med-School parties.
But then another Lauren approached me and said “What school is that?” Excuse me? What school? The school of I’ll fucking kill you, you stupid bitch, that’s what school. Do you not watch the news? Oh, wait, of course you don’t. It’s on opposite the WB reruns of “Friends.” I asked her if she was serious, and she was. So I gave her the truthful answer, and informed Boca that this group of “smart” girls were, in fact, about as bright as turnips.
So when a THIRD Becca walked up to me and asked what school USMC was, I about lost my shit. I told her it stood for “University of South Missouri College,” to which she nodded and said, “Ooooh. Where is that?” Are you fucking kidding me? Where is that? In a magical land where girls know geography and current events, that’s where. I politely told her it was somewhere near Sikeston. Again, a bewildered look. Then I told her that was near the Arkansas border. As soon as I mentioned a state south of the Mason-Dixon, she lost interest and went away.
So, basically, a stereotype was once again perpetuated by a bunch of girls in Med School who couldn’t bother themselves to learn the Acronym for the nation’s finest fighting force. If you can take the time to study that much and get into Medical School, why on Earth is it so freaking difficult to learn something about the country you live in. Do you think any of these so called “smart girls” could name the Secretary of Defense? How about the Speaker of the House? Or what County New York is in? Doubtful, unless they’ve been arrested. Every time I start to think the Haters might be right, and that I am too hard on people, shit like this happens and I am validated. Ladies, if you want guys to stop thinking of you as stupid and shallow, start learning a little about the world outside of your little one. Because, ultimately, it is a lot more relevant than you think.