White Dade To Become NY Blogger
That's right, baby. I've been called up to the big leagues. I'm going to the show. For the next seven days I am going to be the elitist of the elite, the smuggest of the smug and the sarcasticest of the sarcastic. I am going to be a New York Blogger. So all you bloggers from Miami? Ohio? DC? Colorado? California? Virignia? West Virginia? You can all eat a dick. Because everyone knows the only bloggers who count, the only ones who are relevant, the only ones anyone gives a shit about, are New York Bloggers. And now I am one of them.
I am going to shamelessly pander to Gawker and Gridskipper and Gothamist and every other mega-site that begins with a G. Fuck Deadspin. Fuck Wonkette. Nobody reads that shit. The only sites anybody reads are about New York, and only blogs about New York get on these sites. And now that I'm a New York Blogger, I'm going to be on there every fucking day.
I am going to make relentless references to bars and clubs and restaurants I go to in New York. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, Fuck You. You're obviously not "in on the New York Scene" and so I'm not going to pander to your ignorance and explain. You can only dream about eating in the restaurants I eat in, and I will recommend them to you like you will ever have the pleasure of setting foot on my sacred Island. Just bask in my New York-ness and live vicariously through me. Because the dive bars I go to are the only ones worth talking about.
I will write to no end about all the other bloggers I hang out with in New York and link them when I write about them. I will send them "props" and refer to them all as "good people." My posts will consist of the recollections of the great times I had with bloggers you only wish you could meet in person. I will drop A-list blogger names, because the only names worth dropping are in New York. The rest of you just don't rate.
I will perpetually complain about the lack of quality women and how impossible it is to meet people. I will post about how much I hate the Subways, and refer to each train like the rest of you know where it goes. And if you don't? Who cares! New Yorkers know. I'll makes jokes about Bloomberg and obsess over New York sports teams like the rest of you give a fuck. Because you should. I'll make fun of the B&T. I will talk about my Dodgeball. I'm changing the name of this blog to "White New York" and the header will read "Broadcasting live form the center of the Universe...." And I will repeatedly refer to everything that happens to me as "Only in New York." Because nobody else has bums, immigrants or obnoxious cab drivers.
I will hook up with female New York Blogggers, because we are the most incestuous clique of young professionals this side of Gray's Anatomy. I will date several at the same time and lie about it to them, then brag to the male bloggers about who I was fucking when. And we'll all share a good laugh over beers at a place you've never heard of.
I am going to prostitute myself for a book deal. I will shamelessly promote myself in my blog, writing for weeks on end about where I"ll be reading or what other sites are offering up slices of my New York genius. I will devote entire posts to telling you what cool things are going on in "The City" this weekend that aren't going on in "Your City." Hell, I'll even invite all of you to meet me for Happy Hour, knowing full goddam well that four hours is far too short of notice for you to make it to Alphabet City from Boise. Oh well, you can read about all the debauchery you missed on Monday.
This is going to be great. White Dade, a New York blogger. Fuck the rest of you. I've fucking made it. Oh, and next Wednesday, when I'm back to being one of three Miami Bloggers, forget everything I said in this post. Miami is great, New York sucks.