Wednesday, May 03, 2006

White Dade To Become NY Blogger

That's right, baby. I've been called up to the big leagues. I'm going to the show. For the next seven days I am going to be the elitist of the elite, the smuggest of the smug and the sarcasticest of the sarcastic. I am going to be a New York Blogger. So all you bloggers from Miami? Ohio? DC? Colorado? California? Virignia? West Virginia? You can all eat a dick. Because everyone knows the only bloggers who count, the only ones who are relevant, the only ones anyone gives a shit about, are New York Bloggers. And now I am one of them.

I am going to shamelessly pander to Gawker and Gridskipper and Gothamist and every other mega-site that begins with a G. Fuck Deadspin. Fuck Wonkette. Nobody reads that shit. The only sites anybody reads are about New York, and only blogs about New York get on these sites. And now that I'm a New York Blogger, I'm going to be on there every fucking day.

I am going to make relentless references to bars and clubs and restaurants I go to in New York. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, Fuck You. You're obviously not "in on the New York Scene" and so I'm not going to pander to your ignorance and explain. You can only dream about eating in the restaurants I eat in, and I will recommend them to you like you will ever have the pleasure of setting foot on my sacred Island. Just bask in my New York-ness and live vicariously through me. Because the dive bars I go to are the only ones worth talking about.

I will write to no end about all the other bloggers I hang out with in New York and link them when I write about them. I will send them "props" and refer to them all as "good people." My posts will consist of the recollections of the great times I had with bloggers you only wish you could meet in person. I will drop A-list blogger names, because the only names worth dropping are in New York. The rest of you just don't rate.

I will perpetually complain about the lack of quality women and how impossible it is to meet people. I will post about how much I hate the Subways, and refer to each train like the rest of you know where it goes. And if you don't? Who cares! New Yorkers know. I'll makes jokes about Bloomberg and obsess over New York sports teams like the rest of you give a fuck. Because you should. I'll make fun of the B&T. I will talk about my Dodgeball. I'm changing the name of this blog to "White New York" and the header will read "Broadcasting live form the center of the Universe...." And I will repeatedly refer to everything that happens to me as "Only in New York." Because nobody else has bums, immigrants or obnoxious cab drivers.

I will hook up with female New York Blogggers, because we are the most incestuous clique of young professionals this side of Gray's Anatomy. I will date several at the same time and lie about it to them, then brag to the male bloggers about who I was fucking when. And we'll all share a good laugh over beers at a place you've never heard of.

I am going to prostitute myself for a book deal. I will shamelessly promote myself in my blog, writing for weeks on end about where I"ll be reading or what other sites are offering up slices of my New York genius. I will devote entire posts to telling you what cool things are going on in "The City" this weekend that aren't going on in "Your City." Hell, I'll even invite all of you to meet me for Happy Hour, knowing full goddam well that four hours is far too short of notice for you to make it to Alphabet City from Boise. Oh well, you can read about all the debauchery you missed on Monday.

This is going to be great. White Dade, a New York blogger. Fuck the rest of you. I've fucking made it. Oh, and next Wednesday, when I'm back to being one of three Miami Bloggers, forget everything I said in this post. Miami is great, New York sucks.

44 Comments:

At 8:01 PM, Blogger spinachdip said...

If you're not blogging in New York, you're not really blogging.

Oh, and you forgot bitching about tourists. You'll be writing about how they fanny pack wearers should keep their fat asses in midwest and how you wouldn't be caught dead above 14th Street.

We'll have a drunken good time, dude.

 
At 8:48 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere...it's up to you New York, New Yoooork!!!

 
At 9:29 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

"what other sites are offering up slices of my New York genius"


Ooohhhh...will you post on my blog?? I've always wanted a real New York blogger to guest on my blog! That would be so cool!

Just kidding....I really do hope you have fun in NYC.

 
At 12:33 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Well, I was only in NYC for about a week when I was 12, but from that experience and from about 99.9% of all New Yorkers I've come into contact with during my time in Miami and from talking to them over the phone at various jobs, I will concur with you on one point and that is...New York SUCKS!!!

 
At 3:31 AM, Anonymous S N Double O P D O Double G'ze said...

New York can eat a big fat dick! WEST COAST TILL I DIE MUTHA FUCKA!

 
At 7:14 AM, Blogger Ale8one said...

well good luck, because nobody will give a damn about you being in New York for a friggin' week. you'll be so lost and spend most of your time waiting. you're a bizzarre elitist wannabee.

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Betty said...

Let's do lunch. The fucking debauchery that is going to take place tomorrow night is going to have you writing for a week. Heather and I are even buying new tops for the occasion, ok we really just wanted to buy new tops anyways.

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger spinachdip said...

"...spend most of your time waiting. you're a bizzarre elitist wannabee."

Burn!!!!! That's right WD, you'll spend most of your time WAITING!!!!! Ooh! And you're bizarre! BIZARRE!!! Take that!

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger Andy said...

Welcome to Itsville my man...of course, I blog from New York and no one reads it.

I'm really beginning to think my blog is just terrible.

Or that since I only post about every 14 days and don't whine about everything I see no one can relate.

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger heather said...

Larry?

is that you?

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger PretaMulatta said...

bring your ass on up here. we're waiting 4 u. i got a WHOLE gang of multiracial girls ready 2 challenge your love of THE BLACK THANG..

u got that? we got something 4 u, my friend. and it's really hot + tasty...

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger PretaMulatta said...

or your dislike of the Black Thang, if u will.

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger Ale8one said...

man, that spinachdip threw me under the bus. how bizarre. now i know it's time to quit bloggin.

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger spinachdip said...

How bizarre
How bizarre, how bizarre

Ooh, baby (Ooh, baby)
It's making me crazy (It's making me crazy)
Everytime I look around
Everytime I look around (Everytime I look around)
Everytime I look around
It's in my face


Good god, that's homoerotic. Speaking of which, WD, please leave your South Florida VDs at MIA.

 
At 12:57 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

Whoa, take it easy, Betty, let's not overpromise the level of debauchery. I have to help people move this weekend and shit, okay?

 
At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lucky you. The day you're arriving in NYC, Alice announces to the world that she has PMS.

Can you say "crime scene sex"?

I thought you could.

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Anon, anon, I only sleep with heather now. Did you miss that memo?

 
At 2:31 PM, Blogger Ale8one said...

How about Arkansas bloggers? Arkansas bloggers rule!

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger copyranter said...

you should just not come. there's no room for you anyway. and our NYC blog server is full. well if you do come, buy a pair of canvas cons and black-framed glasses.

 
At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure that in order to have the full NYC experience you are staying at the famed Hotel Chelsea, maybe you can give us a hand. We need more bloggers over here.
www.hotelchelseablog.com

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger K said...

oh oh oh. I'm a NYC female blogger. So...wanna make out? Then blog about it?

 
At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

where are you guys going for your night of debauchery? this way us new york blog readers who lurk around here anonymously can meet up with you and actually meet WD in person...

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger David Marc Fischer said...

Is there really a place called Palmetto Bay? If so, how quaint!

See you soon!!

 
At 2:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Finally! Someone who gets it!

 
At 4:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know, I'd just say that a cityful of aspiring, unemployed writers has lead to a thriving weblog scene that makes everyone else jealous.

You can always... not read New York weblogs.

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

I fucking love you!!!!! Eat, eat, eat for me....If it weren't for SM's night time antics, I would be on a plane this very day.
There anin't nothin wrong with NewYork.

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

Some of the "G" New York blogs have let their snarky standards slip. One of my other web identities got my podunk hometown of Grand Rapids, Michigan voted into Gridskipper. It was so easy. Me and my urban development geeks stuffed the ballot box.

Brilliant idea White Dade. Next time I visit my tiwn sis' in Brooklyn I'll have to do something snarkily similar.

 
At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about us Jersey City Bloggers? We are only a 3 minute PATH train ride from manhattan, unlike the hourlong subway ride from Brooklyn, yet we can never be "new york bloggers".
However, many of the people who work in the restaraunts and bars in manhattan are from my 'hood in Jersey City (Journal Square), so I get discounts all the time baby. Viva New Jersey.

 
At 5:02 PM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

"you got 99 comments but that b*tch ain't one ..."


it's ya boy ... holla

 
At 5:06 PM, Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

Welcome to the club!

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger spinachdip said...

BTW, there will be a big meeting of all the New York bloggers tomorrow at the TGI Fridays at Times Square - it's where we meet every Friday, actually.

Bring your laptops because we'll be liveblogging this bitch.

 
At 9:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

shut up. just shut the fuck up. yea, new york is the center of the universe. miami's alright, but you can only spend so much time mocking the way people dress and eating good spanish food before you realize that's about all there is. don't bother coming to new york. on second thought, do, and wear your metallic spandex club shirt and choker, and repeat everything you just said here loudly on the 6. see what happens.

p.s. no one calls is alphabet city anymore. stop using RENT as a major source of your knowledge about THE city.

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger Fresh? said...

So, I'll see you in the Half King, right?

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Andy said...

Shit! I've been going to the Red Lobster on Times Square for the blogging meetings. Oh well. I just love Times Sqaure. It's so hip!

 
At 10:35 PM, Blogger Noblesse Oblige said...

pphhbbttt! So much fuss for being a NYC blogger for just a week. Dude, you better blog some amazing shit just to save your ass.

 
At 11:32 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

So what, do I get any credit for LIVING there 8 years???

I'm sure you're gonna say no since I didn't have a blog back then. Hell, I don't think Blogger was even in existence at that point.

Anyway, you enjoy the NYC prostituation scene. Must be nice to live the charmed life of Dade... ;)

 
At 1:20 AM, Anonymous Jesus said...

Maybe you can blog with all of the unemployed yet ironically in no need of work (trust fund kids) at Lotus Bar on the corner of Stanton St. & Clinton St.

They're usually there in the morning/afternoon. They (lotus) sell coffee and other crap that elitist New York bloggers consume.

So bring your laptop/notebook whatever they call them these days.

Oh, and you might even get laid...

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger Ale8one said...

BIG UP South Dakota bloggers!!

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger Danyel said...

you can only properly blog about NYC if you're actually from and love someplace else, anyway.

Oakland, CA rocks.

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Well, would you look at that. Only one day of pandering and I made it onto Gawker.


To Respond to some of the comments:

Whoever said I was an elitist wannabe agian, lacks the satire sensor that so many people do.

Larry did not write this post. It did occur to me that it sounded a little like him. But it was not a ripoff

I don't know who told S-Dip about my STDs. You are one resourcemful guy.

Glad to hear I was able to inspire you ladies to go shopping.

Copyranter, I am sad that the only comment you have ever left on my blog was telling me not to come. But I would expect nothing less from you.

Crime Scene Sex? That's hot.

Yes, Palmetto Bay does exist. And if you consider World Ford and Burger King quaint, then yes, it is.

South Dakota Rocks

We will be drinkking somewhere is the part of town not called Alphabet City. And I fucking hate Rent.

Whoever the female blogger was who asked if I wanted to make out and blog about it? Email me and I'll give you my phone number.

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger dlaunt said...

Who needs to read blogs about New York when Law and Order is on every cable channel in existence 24 hours a day? I do. I am taking the wife to Washington Heights for our anniversary. Where are the hot spots there?

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Apparently I missed the party at Fridayt's and Lotus is too far for me.

Nicole - No, oyu still don't rate. But neither do I, that's just the beauty of it.

Danyel - Oakland? Shit, I lived there for about 5 years. But I do love Miami.

Law and Order? Is that even filmed here?

 
At 12:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know crime scene sex is hot. I just wanna know if you get any

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger mrsmogul said...

I still consider myself a New York Blogger even though I am f*cking England! A new york and a broad :)

 

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