The World Cup is still going on, in case anybody in America
still cares. Unfortunately our glorious Yankee boys were sent packing by Ghana
last week and we must wait four more years until anyone in America
watches a soccer match in its entirety. And by then we’ll have all forgotten what the rules for offsides are and once again be utterly confused when our only goal of the game is called back and immediately do what all Americans do when their team loses a close game:
blame the Refs. But since I have a bit of time during the day and Maury has been severely lacking in quality Paternity test shows for a while, I have taken an active interest in the “Knockout Round,” America
or no. The problem, of course, is who do I root for? The only country that I have any ethnic association with, Croatia
, was also eliminated early. Which leaves me with a bunch of countries I have never been to nor have any connection with.
I have these Hispanic friends (unbelievable I know) who are Dominican, Venezuelan and Cuban. When Brazil won the World Cup back in 2002, they all went out and paraded around South Beach with big Brazilian flags and painted their faces whatever colors Brazilians like to paint their faces. Green or some shit. Anyway, I asked them “Why are you guys going so batshit nuts? You aren’t even FROM Brazil? They don’t even speak Spanish, for crying out loud?” To which they responded, “Yeah, but they’re a Hispanic team, so we root for them.” Fair enough. I am, therefore, rooting for the White teams.
England, Switzerland, Ukraine, France and Germany. These are my teams. I would have put Australia number one, but they lost today. I know Americans love to bash the French, but I’m White, so I’m rooting for them, just like a Puerto Rican rooting for Argentina. Some may ask why I would root for Germany as they did kill like 7 million of my ancestors a while back (actually, most of those guys live in Argentina now, so even more reason to root against the Argentines). Granted, but that was a long time ago. More recently, the Germans have given us Trance Music, Dirk Nowitski and the BMW, and for all of those I am grateful. Seeing as how a German hasn’t done much to aggravate me since 1942, but countless Argentines and Brazilians have aggravated me since 10:42, this morning, I would much rather see them hoist the cup than any team from South America. I would say I am going to root for Ghana, but I think they have about as much chance as the Marlins do of wining the World Series. But should they beat Brazil, GO GHANA! They are the Ultimate Underdog.
Why not Portugal, Spain or Italy? I don’t know, they don’t really strike me as White teams. They are more like Ethnic European teams. Maybe it’s because their languages sound more like those of the South Americans, but I just can’t get behind a team full of guys with last names ending in a vowel. Call me crazy. Call me nonsensical, but do not call me a racist.
Because if a Cuban guy wrote this and said he was rooting for all the South American teams because he was Latin, nobody would bat an eyelash. If a Black guy wrote it and said he was rooting for Ghana because he is African American, we would all stand up and cheer. But let a white guy say he is rooting for the White European teams because he is White and of European descent, he is a racist. Simple as that. Yes, I am Jewish, but last I checked Israel wasn’t fielding a particularly competitive club this go-round, so Germany, France and England are the next best thing. Actually, as long as Argentina or Brazil doesn’t win, I’ll be satisfied. Otherwise it’s going to be two solid days of flag waving idiots in the streets, only weeks after we cleared out the last batch.