Monday, June 26, 2006

Go White Teams! And Ghana.

The World Cup is still going on, in case anybody in America still cares. Unfortunately our glorious Yankee boys were sent packing by Ghana last week and we must wait four more years until anyone in America watches a soccer match in its entirety. And by then we’ll have all forgotten what the rules for offsides are and once again be utterly confused when our only goal of the game is called back and immediately do what all Americans do when their team loses a close game: blame the Refs. But since I have a bit of time during the day and Maury has been severely lacking in quality Paternity test shows for a while, I have taken an active interest in the “Knockout Round,” America or no. The problem, of course, is who do I root for? The only country that I have any ethnic association with, Croatia, was also eliminated early. Which leaves me with a bunch of countries I have never been to nor have any connection with.

I have these Hispanic friends (unbelievable I know) who are Dominican, Venezuelan and Cuban. When Brazil won the World Cup back in 2002, they all went out and paraded around South Beach with big Brazilian flags and painted their faces whatever colors Brazilians like to paint their faces. Green or some shit. Anyway, I asked them “Why are you guys going so batshit nuts? You aren’t even FROM Brazil? They don’t even speak Spanish, for crying out loud?” To which they responded, “Yeah, but they’re a Hispanic team, so we root for them.” Fair enough. I am, therefore, rooting for the White teams.

England, Switzerland, Ukraine, France and Germany. These are my teams. I would have put Australia number one, but they lost today. I know Americans love to bash the French, but I’m White, so I’m rooting for them, just like a Puerto Rican rooting for Argentina. Some may ask why I would root for Germany as they did kill like 7 million of my ancestors a while back (actually, most of those guys live in Argentina now, so even more reason to root against the Argentines). Granted, but that was a long time ago. More recently, the Germans have given us Trance Music, Dirk Nowitski and the BMW, and for all of those I am grateful. Seeing as how a German hasn’t done much to aggravate me since 1942, but countless Argentines and Brazilians have aggravated me since 10:42, this morning, I would much rather see them hoist the cup than any team from South America. I would say I am going to root for Ghana, but I think they have about as much chance as the Marlins do of wining the World Series. But should they beat Brazil, GO GHANA! They are the Ultimate Underdog.

Why not Portugal, Spain or Italy? I don’t know, they don’t really strike me as White teams. They are more like Ethnic European teams. Maybe it’s because their languages sound more like those of the South Americans, but I just can’t get behind a team full of guys with last names ending in a vowel. Call me crazy. Call me nonsensical, but do not call me a racist.

Because if a Cuban guy wrote this and said he was rooting for all the South American teams because he was Latin, nobody would bat an eyelash. If a Black guy wrote it and said he was rooting for Ghana because he is African American, we would all stand up and cheer. But let a white guy say he is rooting for the White European teams because he is White and of European descent, he is a racist. Simple as that. Yes, I am Jewish, but last I checked Israel wasn’t fielding a particularly competitive club this go-round, so Germany, France and England are the next best thing. Actually, as long as Argentina or Brazil doesn’t win, I’ll be satisfied. Otherwise it’s going to be two solid days of flag waving idiots in the streets, only weeks after we cleared out the last batch.

20 Comments:

At 4:08 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

Crazy. There, I said it. But nonsensical... not so sure. There is some logic in your reasoning... though flawed (many Spanish names end in consonants)... oyy veyy!

But crazy, definitely. If white chicks went crazy for England's world cup, and paraded down south beach, I'd be all over that. Bottom line: root for whomever has the loudest, non-violent party.

Go England/Spain/Brazil/Ghana!
But somebody win already.

 
At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would rethink rooting for the Germans. The last year has been rife with German "nazi-like" incidents at futbol games. If Israel was in the world cup, the Germans would have dismembered them; unfortunately they just throw bananas at the black players.

 
At 4:22 PM, Anonymous The Brewer Patriot said...

If England and Brazil end up meeting, my buddy and I decided to buy England jerseys. Then we are donning both the jerseys and fake British accents and going out to a local bar, perhaps Novecento, and root for the Brits.

And I second raincouver's British girl parade on South Beach.

 
At 6:11 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I haven't been following the soccer tournaments.
I heard that some South American player messed up during a tournament and he was killed. Scary stuff.

 
At 6:44 PM, Anonymous Rachel said...

There might be a bit of method to your madness. I completely understand where you are coming from when you say that you aren't allowed to be proud of being caucasian without being labeled a racist. It really sucks that you have to pretend to hate who you are to placate other ethnicities.
I am lucky that I am a woman and can still get behind that. White guys? You are all SOL. I bet that you love that people not only hate you because you are a white male, but that you are Jewish to boot. People are allowed to denigrate who you are, but you don't have the "right" to return the favor.
Sorry, let me get off my rant. It is a touchy subject for me since my son is bi-racial (black and white) and has already been called the "N" word at the age of 8. Thank God that his grandfather on his father's side sat him down and explained what it meant. That conversation was right up there with the "what is sex" conversation that we had a couple of months ago.
Anyways..... I hope England wins cause they have the best accents.

 
At 8:26 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

I should cheer for Germany, since yanno, I grew up there, but the team isn't hot enough. I am cheering for England (since I'm a fan of Scottish football, and England is the closest thing...and because Beckham is YUMMY .

I'm also cheering for Italy because they have BY FAR the absolute hottest team in World Cup history.

 
At 9:31 PM, Anonymous J said...

Doesn't this conflict with your root for the underdogs crap? No Heat, no Canes but Gooooo Germany! If you're going to do it right, root for Ukraine at the very least. Though I do appreciate the shout out to the country that prides itself on being the class of West Africa. Insert "Waiting" joke here...

 
At 9:44 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

My new Brazilian soccer name is Minijinhosa. Ronaldinho and Pele can't touch my style.

I was rooting for the US team like I always do... now I need to find a new underdog. Ghana shocking Brazil would be great.

When it comes to club soccer/football, I support West Ham United, the ultimate underdog team.

Peace.

 
At 11:10 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I'm rooting for a stadium collapse. Soccer sucks.

 
At 12:57 AM, Anonymous Cliff said...

One day Ireland will win the World Cup, and all will be right with the world...and all will be retardly drunk as well....

 
At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Israel has great team, but they have to play european teams in the qualifying round, because the arab countries refuse to play them

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger alizinha said...

Senhor Dadinho Branquinho,

Based on this logic, you shouldn't root for any American professional sports teams (besides hockey), since approximately half the players are non-white.

Vai Brasil!

 
At 11:34 AM, Blogger Robert said...

There's a fundamental difference between a Hispanic rooting for a "latin" team and you rooting for a "white" team - Hispanics identify with people who are similar to them and want to support them. You seem to be rooting for the white teams out of spite and in reaction to Hispanics rooting for their teams. If I'm wrong, please correct me.

A couple more notes...Portugal, Italy and Spain are "ethnic europeans"? What does that mean, and why does that NOT make them white? They are Caucasian just as much as the lily-white Norwegians are.

Finally, do you realize that England and France have a significant number of blacks on their teams? Just checking.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger Andy said...

I'm cheering for soccer to be over so the real sports can start again.

 
At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The best part about this post is the Hispanic girl coming out of her top.

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Rain - Many end in Z also. What happened to the Canadian team?

Anon - Yeah, I guess their fans are a little bit on the racist side. But, then again, I don't have to deal with their celebration.

BP - You MUST invite me to that. I will be there with bells on and a painted face. Noviciento seems like the perfect spot.

Angel - That was in 1994, dude.

Rachel - Your son being called a slur is unacceptable. In Miami, White peopel are a true minority, so I feel being proud to be White, and rooting for those like me is perfectly acceptable.

Ash - I guess we all have our reasons for rooting for whoever we want to root for.

J - I like underdogs, so I usually root for them. but it is not my be all, end all rule.

Mini - WesHam UNited? Yeah, you win.

Johnson - Everything sucks to you, doesn't it?

Cliff - Perhaps alcohol was invented to keep the Irish out of the World Cup too.

Anon - Yeah, I've heard that. I'm sure they would probably beat Iran or Saudi Arabia. Politics should not get in the way.

Allison - Except that World Cup soccer is a notionalistic or at least ethnic thing where pro sports is totally different. Pro atheltes are mecenaries playing for whoever pays them the most, so loyalty is always shiftin.

Robert - NO, not out of spite at all. Actually, more out of doing the same thing they are, that is rooting for the teams that share my ethnicity. Nothing wrong with that. I don't fault Dominicans for rooting for Brazil, nor should they fault me for rooting for Germany. That second point was more sarcastic humor than anything else. And the color of skin is not the issue to me. The Argentines are extremely pale and I sitll hope they lose 19-0 in their next game. If I rooted based on color of skin, THEN I would be a racist.

Andy - What do you mean by "real" Baseball is in full swing and THANK GOD pro basketball is over.

Anon - I knew SOMEBODY would like that

 
At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"Johnson - Everything sucks to you, doesn't it?"

No, just soccer...and baseball, popped collars, beer snobs, Christmas, emo music, Canada, France, people who aren't me or in my immediate circle of friends, most people from the North, rainbows and puppy dogs. Other than that, I like everything.

 
At 7:14 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

I don't know. To me it seems like it makes sense to root for a team because you actually LIKE them -- ethnic association or not. But that's just me.

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger jenjen said...

Basque SurferMike swears he's white and as for good son, Meatball, he says he's Orange. I think they both look like damn Mexicans and so do all my friends. So yes I agree, Italian, Portugal, Spain....ethnic Euro trash.
JenJen

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Miamista said...

im fucking writing you while n a q n Germany on a new pc phone thing cuz man somebody said I had to read this. great job. so true. wtf is w france, can a white guy get a shot. foreign legion team. there was something abot trance tho. no way, good for partying but thats it. i see the wanna bes are upset on the can i b down shit. be down w who ya are and love and respect others is WDs lesson of the day but theyre not hearing ya. as u can see from my blog i keeps it real. okay i do secretly want to be brazilian but only from afar! 1

 

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