Thursday, June 01, 2006

If By "Groupies" You Mean "Student Loan Updates" The Yes

I have talked at great length with Alice about her dislike for female adoration in the comments section of male blogs. Or, as she likes to call them, Blog Groupies. I had no idea such a phenomenon existed until I went to a Yankees game with a fairly popular New York blogger and he told me of some of the luck he has had from women writing to him after reading his posts. Apparently some girl in Kansas even wrote him recently telling him she got turned on by reading his blog. He asked me if I had ever gotten any ass from female fans and I was just kinda like, “Uh…uh….hey Josh Beckett, YOU SUCK!”

Alice also noted that the DumpSluts (her term) are about to the point where they are plotting to murder The Girlfriend over on The Daily Dump. TGF, I am a former Marine and worked as a bouncer in a black strip club for a good amount of time, so if you need my services please let me know. I work cheap. I like Dan, he is a funny guy and I enjoy reading his inoffensive observations and skilled humor. That being said, for the love of GOD, ladies, why not just send him your goddamn underwear?

TAN apparently gets 30 to 50 emails a day from adoring female fans. I would find this hard to believe, except that I got this information not from him, but form someone who had seen his inbox. How is this possible? Why are these girls turned on by guys writing on the internet every day? And, most importantly, why aren’t they writing to me?

I understand that in New York, it may a little different since most of the readers are up there (save for Kansas girl) so there would be more of an inclination to try and hook-up. And most of the people who read White Dade in Miami know me personally, so I guess that eliminates that. But seriously, after hearing about the kinds of mail these guys were getting, I was inclined to go and check my White Dade email inbox and see if perhaps I had attracted any female attention. Here’s what I got:

NikiNiki says my blog is absolutely sickening. I wonder if this is actually a groupie masquerading as a hater. Probably not.

Derek Rose is still trying to find out what I did in New York.

The girl who I went to Spring Formal with in 10th grade - and showed up at her house in sweats with my tux in a gym bag and no flower - has found my blog. She was shocked that I started doing cocaine. And she is married.

I can enlarge my penis for 40% off.

Gabriel Lopez-Bernal would like you to know that the URL for the Transit Miami blog has changed. Glad I let all of you know before you tried to read it and got confused. His new location is http://www.transitmiami.com/

My student loan update for 6/1/2006 is in. Funny since those were paid off about four years ago.

Someone would like to know if I am paying too much for car insurance. Well, I would have to actually be paying for car insurance first to accurately answer that question, now wouldn’t I?

I sent myself some post ideas.

Oooh. Someone wants to know if I want my dick to be wallpaper for a computer. This could be promising…..

Yeah. So as much headway and “rise from obscurity” as I think I’ve made in this crazy little blogging world, I am apparently still not cool enough to have my own set of groupies with their own special nickname. So, for now, I will just have to stare on jealously as The DumpSluts and The Assimilated Negrettes go about their business and service those who have earned the spoils of success. Meanwhile, it’s the first day of hurricane season, and it’s looking like a cruel, cruel summer.

21 Comments:

At 4:53 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Someone should write a blog consisting completely of funny spam e-mails. I have one saved from a few years ago that apparently came from Kurt Cobain telling me that I can enlarge my penis and stop male pattern balding. I guess a shotgun shell to the face not only kills you but unlocks the secrets to pleasing the ladies and looking like a stud well into middle-age.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Stay Cool and have a great summer!


I'm bound to have a groupie name submission at any moment....keep you posted. WD9ers

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger heather said...

ACTUALLY, i was the one that coined the term "DumpSluts". now if you'll excuse me, i have to go beat the shit out of my roommate for ripping off my material, yet again.

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Hey- I've sent you emails inviting you to come to DC (among other things- hehe)....does that make me a White Dade groupie?

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Hey Ash,
Your change in avatar from demure sunglass girl qualifies as a naked pic....i'm answering that question with a yes

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger Southern Princess said...

Ok I will be your first official groupie - unfortunately I cant email you from your link or you would have already gotten many-a provocative email from me ;-)

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

I find this hard to believe, considering that sexy hunk in your profile photo!

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

I was just about to give kudos for the term DumpSluts. That's hot. Much better than Assimilated Negrette. Bloupies, in general, don't like long cumbersome labels.

I'm well short of 40-50 a day, but um, I do ok, for whatever reason. My inbox inquiries have diminished of late, and a lot of them are from out of town ... but I'm not starving for a date.

I chalk it up to affirmative action.

(and incidentally, I definitely wouldn't talk or brag about it. well maybe i would on my blog, but not in person. unless you asked.)

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger T. said...

You realize like 50 dudes probably just started a blog based on this post right?

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger Kirsten said...

I think for me...a bored old housewife surfing blogs, that finding that a man actually HAS something to say is a turn on in itself....I can see where women would do things like that...not me, of course...lol...i'm married for Gods sake...but again, for me..you, dade, scared the hell out of me when I first started reading your blog...and Ash can back me up on that one...I was very intimidated by you, you're very strait forward, to the point, in your face...what do you say to someone like that?? Now, im not so much...but I still get nervous when I go to your blog...Don't ask me why, cuz I really don't know...maybe I could be the groupie from afar?..lol..anyways..thats my take
:)Just me

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger Betty said...

Actually, you can partly blame dating bloggers for my dislike of blog groupies. Imagine dating someone where you have constant competition with random hos on the internet. It's not fun, especially when they make plans with the girl right in front of you and they don't think you can see their computer screen. Stupid fucking men. But seriously, the blog groupies are so fucking off topic half the time, that they come off sounding like dumb hos.

When have I ever left a flirtatious comment- especially to some random guy on the internet? Bad Form.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger David said...

Actually, it's not Josh Beckett that sucks.

You suck.

That is funny about the dump sluts- I remember reading his blog and being like, "Damn, there's a hell of a lot of girls commenting on this blog. What's it take?" It must be the fact that he mentions his girl all the time - chicks love competition.

I think, anyway.

 
At 10:56 AM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

So, to the point, blog groupies are bad because they leave wack comments and make it difficult to date popular bloggers.

I have to say, I can't really get all that worked up about these problems. Spam, on the other hand, is out of control. I keep receiving spam in Portuguese for reasons I have yet to figure out. I guess you don't want to be going bald with an average-sized penis when you go to Carnival in Rio.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger Derek said...

ha ha ha ... i was just jealous i didn't get invited to the party!

 
At 1:24 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson - Interesting. Too bad you learn it all after you're dead.

JenJen - Good start. Kepp 'em coming.

Heather - IN her defense, she said you guys thought it up. Now since she's the one who told me, I gave her the credit.

Ash - Possibly.

SP - whitedade@gmail.com. There you go.

Manola - I was actually an ALF groupie for a time.

TAN - I had to think of your term on the fly. If you come up with something better, or Heather does first, I'll edit the post.

T - Yeah. Probably.

Kirsten - Married groupies. Great.

Betty - Yes, you never use bad form even when commenting on bloggers you are dating. Of course, men are stupid but how stupid are you for not getting up and leaving as soon as you saw that shit?

David - I actually liked Beckett until this year. Stupid Marlins, trading their best pitchers away.

RP - Portugese Spam? I tihnk I tried that last week at Puerta Sagua. Wasn't too good.

 
At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

replace that Alf picture with something like this

http://tinyurl.com/p5mrv

and you will be groupieless no more.

 
At 11:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and you are giving off a very "fixer upper" vibe. You might want to work on your "move in ready" attitude. Neither of which mean that you are not already groupieable but it might help.

 
At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, it seems that most girls are into dudes that actually work! Imagine that...

 
At 3:06 PM, Blogger Brown Baby said...

does it count if the said blogger contacts YOU after you've commented on his page? i mean i comment on lots of peoples - you! - and that doesnt mean i wanna jump in the sack - no offense. if it happens, which it did in one instance - regrettably - does that make me a - gasp - blog groupie? ew.

 
At 4:45 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

How about the White Dadelettes.

There's an old show-biz story about Ray Charles --- they snuck it into a throw-away line in the Jamie Foxx movie --- was that to qualify as one of his background singers (the "Raelettes") one had to "let Ray".

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - I odn't know. Some girsl might find that to be too big.

Anon - I would, but that would be misleading. And one tihng I do not do is lie to get laid.

Anon3 - I work. Who says I don't work.

Brown Baby - I don't know. Perhpas we should commission a panel to determine the true definition of a "blog groupie."

David - Not bad. I didn't see Ray but somehow that sounds about right. I hate throw away lines like that.

 

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