Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Lost Art of The Fuck Buddy

For those who do it right, a regular fuck buddy is the best weapon you can have in the battle of the sexes. If you are a man, it gives you a regular outlet for sex that allows you to go out and have fun without concerning yourself with whether or not you are going to get laid and annoying everyone around you. And more importantly you can do so while staying single. If you are female, it gives you someone you can call upon should the “need” arise without having to seek out new men and feel guilty about it afterwards. In an ideal fuck buddy situation, everyone comes out satisfied and no one gets hurt. Of course, it rarely works that way.

Most of these “relationships” fail because maintaining a fuck buddy is not a skill. It is an art form. Few can comprehend it, and even fewer have it mastered. It requires patience, discipline and above all else, mutual understanding. Now, I am certainly not a master of this art as of yet, but I do believe I understand the nuances that can make it successful. And luckily for you, I am going to relay some basic hints for maintaining a successful fuck buddy relationship, in the hopes that we can all learn a little from mistakes I have made.

1.) Dates do not make Fuck Buddies. That is to say, a “relationship” based purely on sex must begin with purely sex. A quality one-night stand, a random hookup at a party, or someone you meet at a “lifestyle” club would make an ideal candidate.

2.) A Fuck Buddy is A Fuck Buddy, Nothing More, Nothing Less. The quality fuck buddy will never ask any questions regarding taking the relationship further, nor should you. You must understand that in order to have a quality F.B., you have to accept him or her for what they are and nothing more. Like niche marketing for sex partners.

3.) Do Not Go to The Well Too Often. One of two things will happen if you end up fucking too much: A) You will start to like the person or B) You will start to dislike the person. Either way the F.B. relationship is ruined. If you like her, you will start to want more and probably get hurt. If you don’t like her she will start to annoy you and even the thought of guaranteed ass is not enough to endure the 5 minutes of conversation before her bra comes off. Once every 2-3 weeks is about right.

4.) Invitations Should Be Blatantly Sexual. Whether it is a phone call, a shady text message or an email, invitations should not be anything more than “Hey, wanna fuck” or, if you are not so forward, “What are you doing tonight?” Social invitations other than this may lead to a hint of a relationship, and that is unacceptable.

5.) Fuck Buddies and Real Buddies Shall Never Meet. Understand? NEVER. Not meeting you at a bar, not taking her out with your buddies for drinks, and not showing her off. You and your F.B. live in your own little world together that lasts a few hours every few weeks. You really shouldn’t even discuss your F.B. with anyone unless it is relevant to them.

6.) Do not Concern Yourself with Their Life. All conversations should be superficial and unimportant. Do you care who they are dating? Do you care if they are happy at work? Do you care about their life ambitions? No, no you do not. And neither do they.

7.) Do Not Date Your Fuck Buddy. The only date you should be on with a fuck buddy is a sex date, which should last no more than 1 hour or three drinks before the phrase “Where do you want to go?” is uttered. All she does is talk about the good section at her restaurant and how that bitch made her do all her side work? Who cares? It’s only an hour. But any more than that and the illusion is ruined.

8.) Do not call your F.B. Drunk Every Time You Strike Out. Again, once in a while is okay if you are both out and in the same general vicinity. But more than once every couple of weeks and it may become habit. And the idea here is to have a stress-reliever, not a last resort.

9.) Do Not Travel Further for Sex Than you Would for Work. I employ a 30-mile rule, which is applicable in most major cities. In New York, I think it is limited to a subway ride. In Southern California you may extend this to 60 miles.

10.) The Sex and Their Looks Can’t Be TOO Good. The sex has to be just good enough that you are satisfied, but not so good you think about nothing else. The person should be good looking enough that you want to sleep with them, but not so hot you want to show them off to your friends. In short, a slightly-above average looking person who can fuck, but is not the best you’ve ever had.

11.) Overnights are Only Permitted for Safety Reasons. If you both end up drunk at your place and neither of you can drive home, fine. But no cuddling. If you or your F.B. is sober, the visitor must be returned home. And no more than a peck on the mouth goodbye.

Follow these not-so-simple rules, and you may find yourself sexually satisfied and still free to live your own life. While the balance is rare and difficult to attain, by having the patience to wait a few weeks for sex, having the discipline to not call too much, and having the understanding of what the “relationship: is, you too can be well on your way to a lifetime of guilt-free fucking. And by “lifetime” I mean probably about 6 months.

15 Comments:

At 4:31 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Matthew!!! There there are too many rules! I did a post last may listing all the qualities I would look for if I was the type of person who could have a fuck buddy, then I realized I needed to revisit the whole idea in 5 years- when I don't have the sexual maturity of a 16 year old.

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

hehe...I have a secret. I have one of these, AND we stick to all of the rules.
1. No more than once a month;
2. no talk of who we're dating, thinking of dating, etc;
3. we've gone out once...the first time we met, and it was only to make sure neither of us were creepy
4. My friends don't know about him, and vise-versa;
5. we IM only to talk about when we're gong to meet and what we're going to do
6. he lives 10 miles away
7. I've never called/texted him for a drunk booty call
8. the sex is very good, but not great; and he's good-looking, but not drop-dead gorgeous.
9. I dont know his last name, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know mine.

So I guess it is possible. Rare, but possible. So rare, that this is the first time it has ever worked out perfectly for me.

 
At 7:25 PM, Blogger T. said...

I just realized that I've broken every single one of these rules with my fuck buddies. man do i suck.

my biggest problem is that i used to go for really hot but crazy ones and then i couldn't help showing them off (because they were hot). then i'd end up regretting it (because they were crazy).

you're right on all counts. good post.

 
At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Rachel said...

I had an FB many years ago. Was it really 12 years? Holy Crap! We followed most of those guidelines. It worked great until one day when we had made plans to get together and 20 minutes before he got there I found out that a good friend who happened to be a police officer was killed in a drug raid.
My FB got there and I was crying. He left about 10 minutes later and I never heard from him again.
He was pretty good too. Dang it!!!!

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Alice - Some peopel need a lot of rules to get things straight. Not everyone is as general as you.

Ash - You seem like the type of person who would be able to follow this set of rules and not get carried away with it. Good work!

T - I have never fucked a hot girl on a regular basis so that was never a problem for me. But I suppose it could be for some.

Rachel - Yeah. That is some POOR timing.

 
At 1:24 PM, Blogger brooklyntista said...

That was a beautiful, beautiful post
and I've almost read the entire Bible o' White Dade. Rad! A toast to the rare, practically extinct, functional fuck buddy, or f.f.b.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Yo uread the whole thing? Christ, I odn't even think I've read the whole thing. But thanks. Glad you were entertained.

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger heatheradair said...

my personal addition would be 12)keep them in your "age bracket." FB's that are twice your age seem like a fun, secret scandal for the first 6 months...then you realize that fun as they may be, they're only getting OLDER. Not careful and you end up with a 60 year-old FB, and that's just NOT. KOSHER. Not when i'm still looking youthful enough to get carded on cigarettes.

 
At 2:58 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

Her name was _____. We were teens, she was a year younger than me and way more experienced about sex.

After about 6 months of flirting, she decided it was time for me to lose my virginity. (I agreed.)

We were exclusive with each other until I went to college. Then she dumped me. Pretty gently. She was ready to move on, I was going out of town and she was tired of monogamy.

We wound up in the same town after college. For most of our 20's we had almost exactly the relationship WD describes.

It was a sweet thing. No dates but take-out chinese or a chick flick on videotape. Or maybe a bottle of sambucca and Mickey Rourke getting all food-funky on Kim Basinger.

No hanging with each other's friends. No kvetching and bitching about what was going on in the rest of our lives.

No (ok, very little) bullshit and a lotta great sex.

Either one could make the call, but if she didn't call for a couple of months, I called.

Then she got married. I danced at her wedding. She couldn't make it to mine.

She's already gone through two husbands. I'm still on my first wife and after 14 strong years it looks like we're going the distance.

But I can't say the name _____ without having to suppress a stupid, vaguely leering grin.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

I'm back!

Ah, the tenuous, delicate balance of maintaining a FB. Manola thinks of it this way: it's good BJ practice for the right man!

 
At 12:07 AM, Anonymous nicole said...

Rule #9 seems to be particularly humorous though I have no idea why.

 
At 9:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is all way too complicated. like it or not, people have emotions.

just mastrubating elminates all of these problems.

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Zack Attack said...

Where and how does someone find a fuck buddy?

I am looking for one, am a male virgin. Can anyone help?

 
At 1:02 AM, Blogger Tawsif Chowdhury said...

Very smart and forward thinking
Thanks for a valuable article.
Believe this might be terribly useful.
fuck buddy

 
At 12:17 AM, Blogger Trentent Silver said...


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