The Lost Art of The Fuck Buddy
For those who do it right, a regular fuck buddy is the best weapon you can have in the battle of the sexes. If you are a man, it gives you a regular outlet for sex that allows you to go out and have fun without concerning yourself with whether or not you are going to get laid and annoying everyone around you. And more importantly you can do so while staying single. If you are female, it gives you someone you can call upon should the “need” arise without having to seek out new men and feel guilty about it afterwards. In an ideal fuck buddy situation, everyone comes out satisfied and no one gets hurt. Of course, it rarely works that way.
Most of these “relationships” fail because maintaining a fuck buddy is not a skill. It is an art form. Few can comprehend it, and even fewer have it mastered. It requires patience, discipline and above all else, mutual understanding. Now, I am certainly not a master of this art as of yet, but I do believe I understand the nuances that can make it successful. And luckily for you, I am going to relay some basic hints for maintaining a successful fuck buddy relationship, in the hopes that we can all learn a little from mistakes I have made.
1.) Dates do not make Fuck Buddies. That is to say, a “relationship” based purely on sex must begin with purely sex. A quality one-night stand, a random hookup at a party, or someone you meet at a “lifestyle” club would make an ideal candidate.
2.) A Fuck Buddy is A Fuck Buddy, Nothing More, Nothing Less. The quality fuck buddy will never ask any questions regarding taking the relationship further, nor should you. You must understand that in order to have a quality F.B., you have to accept him or her for what they are and nothing more. Like niche marketing for sex partners.
3.) Do Not Go to The Well Too Often. One of two things will happen if you end up fucking too much: A) You will start to like the person or B) You will start to dislike the person. Either way the F.B. relationship is ruined. If you like her, you will start to want more and probably get hurt. If you don’t like her she will start to annoy you and even the thought of guaranteed ass is not enough to endure the 5 minutes of conversation before her bra comes off. Once every 2-3 weeks is about right.
4.) Invitations Should Be Blatantly Sexual. Whether it is a phone call, a shady text message or an email, invitations should not be anything more than “Hey, wanna fuck” or, if you are not so forward, “What are you doing tonight?” Social invitations other than this may lead to a hint of a relationship, and that is unacceptable.
5.) Fuck Buddies and Real Buddies Shall Never Meet. Understand? NEVER. Not meeting you at a bar, not taking her out with your buddies for drinks, and not showing her off. You and your F.B. live in your own little world together that lasts a few hours every few weeks. You really shouldn’t even discuss your F.B. with anyone unless it is relevant to them.
6.) Do not Concern Yourself with Their Life. All conversations should be superficial and unimportant. Do you care who they are dating? Do you care if they are happy at work? Do you care about their life ambitions? No, no you do not. And neither do they.
7.) Do Not Date Your Fuck Buddy. The only date you should be on with a fuck buddy is a sex date, which should last no more than 1 hour or three drinks before the phrase “Where do you want to go?” is uttered. All she does is talk about the good section at her restaurant and how that bitch made her do all her side work? Who cares? It’s only an hour. But any more than that and the illusion is ruined.
8.) Do not call your F.B. Drunk Every Time You Strike Out. Again, once in a while is okay if you are both out and in the same general vicinity. But more than once every couple of weeks and it may become habit. And the idea here is to have a stress-reliever, not a last resort.
9.) Do Not Travel Further for Sex Than you Would for Work. I employ a 30-mile rule, which is applicable in most major cities. In
10.) The Sex and Their Looks Can’t Be TOO Good. The sex has to be just good enough that you are satisfied, but not so good you think about nothing else. The person should be good looking enough that you want to sleep with them, but not so hot you want to show them off to your friends. In short, a slightly-above average looking person who can fuck, but is not the best you’ve ever had.
11.) Overnights are Only Permitted for Safety Reasons. If you both end up drunk at your place and neither of you can drive home, fine. But no cuddling. If you or your F.B. is sober, the visitor must be returned home. And no more than a peck on the mouth goodbye.
Follow these not-so-simple rules, and you may find yourself sexually satisfied and still free to live your own life. While the balance is rare and difficult to attain, by having the patience to wait a few weeks for sex, having the discipline to not call too much, and having the understanding of what the “relationship: is, you too can be well on your way to a lifetime of guilt-free fucking. And by “lifetime” I mean probably about 6 months.