Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The Numbers Game: I'm Still Counting

I, like most men, am obsessed with numbers. Studies often show that we are more inclined to things like math and science and statistics, which may explain why we love sports and fall asleep at ballet. But there is one specific type of number that a lot of guys give an enormous amount of special attention, and it’s not Shaq’s Free Throw percentage. It is, of course, the number of women whose panties we have removed in the course of a successful mission.

Guys, for some reason, calculate this number differently. Some count oral sex, some don’t count anal sex, some count giving oral but not receiving it. Other guys say if genitals were touched you can put it on the board. This is really an issue that should be taken up by Triple H, Burt Reynolds and Jerome Bettis in a Miller Lite Commercial, but as far as I’m concerned, a girl only goes on the list if there is penile penetration below the waist. So, for the third time, I apologize to those South American Catholic “Virgins” who take it in the other hole and still consider themselves “pure.” By American standards, actually, you’re about as pure as Mexican tap water. At any rate, hookers don’t count either. If you want to know why, look here.

I may be more obsessed with my numbers than anyone I know. I have an 8 page spread sheet devoted to it, sorting girls by appearance, age, ability, ethnicity, location and a variety of other things. It is a pain in the ass to update, but a hell of a lot of fun to read. Brings back some nice memories too, you know? But some may ask, “White Dade, why are you, and men in general so obsessed with your number?”

Men like to track their numbers for a variety of reasons. First, for the more slimy and insecure among us, we will tell it to anyone who asks, and many who don’t, just to show off. Some guys have a set number that they must get to before they get married (this is not a joke, I know several guys who have said “My Dad was with 63 women before he got married. I have to pass him.” Psychological analysis aside, it is a common phenomenon). Me, I like to do it for memory’s sake. I like to do it because it allows me to remember all the fun, and not so much fun, I’ve had over the years and who I had that fun with. This is especially helpful during a slump.

Similarly, I think keeping a number humanizes the women you’ve been with more than if you “lose count.” If you don’t remember how many people you’ve slept with, then you will more than likely completely forget at least a few of them. Not that some of mine haven’t been totally forgettable, but if you keep a number and you go, “Who’s number 26?” you will never forget that one-night stand you had on your friend’s couch in San Jose. Even if it did only last about three minutes. My point is, it gives a name and a face and a distinct memory to every person you’ve been with, which I think is a hell of a lot more respectful than just lumping them all together.

Alice likes to say that after an STD test she is back to zero. Or at least to three, which is the number of relationships she’s been in. She says that this is because if she didn’t get a disease, have a baby, or learn anything new, then it really doesn’t count in the grand scheme of things. And while I agree that men should really not concern themselves with the number of sexual partners their woman has had, it is no excuse for a girl to think that she has been with less people than she really has. Alice also argues that you don’t learn anything from one-night stands. She, obviously, hasn’t had that many, because there are girls I’ve been with once that have taught me a lot. Maybe I met them on vacation, or maybe they were tourists, but for whatever reason that lady gave me some valuable sexual lessons and then was never seen again. So to Miss FeistyRed, I say “You will never learn anything form a sexual partner unless you try. Put forth some effort yourself and you may begin to see the benefit.” And, again, this is NOT a cheap solicitation.

As fascinated as I am by all sexual statistics, I rarely divulge mine to anyone, and especially not anyone I could realistically be sleeping with. But it does not change the fact that men, and some women, like to keep a numeric record of their sexual history for their own personal reasons. No, it is not anyone else’s business. But it is always beneficial to remember where you came from so you can better realize where you are. Because, contrary to what Alice may say, you do learn a little something form every sexual partner, and it would be a shame for all those lessons to go to waste.


At 1:23 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Fuck that- that's why I cut out the lessons.

I used to keep count my first year the number of times I had had sex, then I kind of lost track of it all.

At 2:15 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

The funniest thing about The Number is that some people obsess about their number being too high or too low... and then they want to meet someone who has the opposite (high number people want to finally sleep with a low number person and low number people drool over the high number sexpots)

Singing "I'm Not A Number" ...

At 2:27 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

It hurts my ego to think of some that I have slept with. I pray they slip out of memory. Even more, I hope I've dropped from their memory. Does respect in hindsight matter all that much?
No, uh-uh.

At 2:32 PM, Blogger threetoedsloth said...

You know, after reading both sides of this debate, I actually agree more with Dade's take on the issue.

Because I love my number! And I love how it makes my past feel like a museum of conquests, so I can think over each one nostalgically and say, "Ah, yes, I remember that night like it was yesterday..." I don't regret a single one of the men on my list, even the awful ones, because at worst it's a story to tell and at best it's a good memory to replay in your head while you're stuck in a boring meeting at work.

That being said, I don't know my current boyfriend's number (and I don't want to know), and he doesn't know mine.

At 2:35 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

"Even if it did only last about three minutes" I wouldn't advertise that, sweety :-)

And I still need to fill out the "Spread Sheet." I had it finished and saved on my old laptop- then the damn thing fried. Maybe it was the spread sheet that fried it, and not a power surge.

At 2:48 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I agree with you WD. Knowing your number is like a trip down Memory Lane or in my case, Skank/Belt Contender Row. I remember doing my spreadsheet after you and Graig did yours and having it bring back many fond (and sometimes not so fond) memories. Although, I do kind of disagree with you on one thing. Putting a girl into your number doesn't neccessarily humanize them. To paraphrase that overplayed Fallout Boy song, "I'm just a notch in the bedpost, but you're just a row in the spreadsheet."

At 3:03 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Traitors! All of you.

At 3:40 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Betty - HA! HA! Nobody likes you.

MiniJB - Really? I must be yet another anomaly.

JJ - Respect in hindsight? What the hell is that crap?

3TS - Thank you. I do the same thing all the time. And knowing your partner's number should be filed under "Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to."

Ash - That was not my fault. The girl had to get up and puke and then wasn't in the mood anymore. Neither was I, but I wasn't "finished" if that's what you're getting at.

Johnson - Yeah. It's good times.

At 3:58 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Dude- I am going to beat anon to the punch- "gee white dade, any girl have sex with a misogynistic asshole racist like you would surely vomit during sex." Ooh, too easy.

At 4:33 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

Great post and I totally agree with you Dade. Surprisingly, I don't think numbers have to do much with comparison. I really only know that numbers of a very few of my buddies. But I do like keeping track for memory's sake. That way you can go back and rank chronologically, qualitatively, etc. Great to do on long trips or while bored at work.

At 5:26 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

I'm just gonna go ahead and plug my blog since my response for you and Betty is featured there. An exercpt:

The number of people one sleeps with is directly correlated to how good looking a person is.

I was scared to do it, and have to admit that I never counted before today for fear of an actualized number. To summarize:

Number of boys I had sex with or let f' me = 15
Of those, I stalked 2 for at least one year before nailing them, to which I suffered the severe disappointment of delusion and quickly cut them loose the next day.

At 6:15 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

BTW: This was the respect crap I was referring to

"My point is, it gives a name and a face and a distinct memory to every person you’ve been with, which I think is a hell of a lot more respectful than just lumping them all together."

At 7:41 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

HAHAHA!! Alice's rule cracks me up!

I once dated a guy that claimed to have anywhere between 35 - 50 broads under his belt (both figuratively and literally). He was pretty much a walking wong infestation.

At 10:36 PM, Blogger Amy said...

Bottom line: I just love it that you have a spreadsheet. It looks like a beautiful one.

At 11:38 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Wow, you CAN'T be serious about that spreadsheet, can you? Because if you are, that is incredibly hysterical and I'd like to feature it on Sex and the Beach -- surely, you've rounded out the average times you've done it on the beach, of course? That is such an important stat!

I took a road trip with a totally platonic male friend of mine once from Miami to Colorado. Naturally, the conversation degraded over time. Thing is -- EXACTLY AS YOU PUT IT -- he remembered every woman he'd slept with, including their names, child!

When it came time to ask Manola ... who as we all know has had at least more than one sexual exploit ... uh ... drew a total blank and she started counting her fingers (of which she needed a few hands) ...

So maybe you gotta point here ...

At 11:32 AM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

I agree with the spirit of your argument here, that is, don't just write off one-night-stands or the like, because every experience offers something to learn. I think thats true of life in general, not just sex.

That said I don't keep track of the numbers. I have no idea how many people I've been with. But I remember the lessons, positive or negative ...

At 2:05 PM, Blogger Andy said...

I'm on betty's side for this one. I don't do one night stands any more. The girls get really really clingy and whiny, and then they just end up hating me. And then I feel guilty about it. It sucks and is not worth my time and aggrevation.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger Betty said...

One night stands are horrible! The guy is "all in your space" and it's obnoxious, I have to work my way in to someone. But the first two guys I dated were one night stands that became relationships (against my will). It's funny how that always happens- I get forced in to dating someone b/c they wear me down. Then later I lose interest and begin making fun of them to my friends. And they dump me first? What the fuck, right?

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Betty said...

I don't know if I can still continue to make this argument b/c this hasn't happened in a year and half but it was true back then.

At 2:33 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Betty - Nothing better than stealing someone else's thunder

BAL - Yeah, I find myself doing that all the time. I only know the numbers of my friends who did spreadsheets too.

JJ - Haven't read you take yet but will comment. 15? No, it has nothing to do with looks, and I mean that in a nice way. Of course, you have been with the same guy for like 8 years.

Nicole - When girls I'm dating are dumb enough to ask, I usually give them a range too. Like "More than 10, less than 75."

Amy - No, that one's not mine. Just a picture of one. you think I'd post my actual one on the blog? I wouldn't care, but there are some girls who probably would.

Manola - See my email. I will totally link that shit.

TAN - I think you strike the happy medium there. Either that, or you are just perpetuating a stereotype. One of the two.

Andy - Who are you having one-night stands with? The last one I had the girls said, "Okay, I'm done with you know. You need to go." It was 5:30 AM. And I lived 40 minutes away. Bitch.

At 5:18 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

That's great... that's exactly what you want... someone that gets their prophylactics from the bulk bin at Costco. Nice.

What's next? The STD posterdom?

At 6:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any guy who has a count he has to reach before he gets married is a complete jerk, for two reasons -

1. that means that any woman he sleeps with before reaching his number is just being used, no matter how he feels about her or she feels about him, because he has already determined that he can't - no matter what happens emotionally between them - ever be with her forever until he sleeps with x number more women. a guy like that shouldn't get laid at all.

2. what if a guy falls in love with the third woman he nails, or the eighth? is that woman going to be tossed aside because of something that is not her fault? is he going to make the stupidest mistake ever because of some number to show off to his friends, or because of society, or to make him feel like a real man?

I am SO SICK of men treating women based on how their male friends feel about things. Why not turn gay and fuck your friends if their macho nonsense is so important to you.

If you need to have a girl who rates a 10 to show off to your male friends, or a number to show off, or you can't date someone becuase of how your friends would react, then DATE AND FUCK YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS and leave poor girls out of it.

Here's a way to make it fair, though. Tell any girl you are dating up front that you have a requirement of women to have slept with before you get married. Then you are at least letting her know where she stands.

I am not against lots of sex, just misleading someone in order to get it.

You are not 15, are you?

At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Note: I apologize, by the way - that last question and the post weren't about White Dade, just about any guy who feels he has to sleep with x women before he gets married. (And if the number is like 3, I can maybe understand some of the fears. but not if it's 63!!)


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