The Numbers Game: I'm Still Counting
I, like most men, am obsessed with numbers. Studies often show that we are more inclined to things like math and science and statistics, which may explain why we love sports and fall asleep at ballet. But there is one specific type of number that a lot of guys give an enormous amount of special attention, and it’s not Shaq’s Free Throw percentage. It is, of course, the number of women whose panties we have removed in the course of a successful mission.
Guys, for some reason, calculate this number differently. Some count oral sex, some don’t count anal sex, some count giving oral but not receiving it. Other guys say if genitals were touched you can put it on the board. This is really an issue that should be taken up by Triple H, Burt Reynolds and Jerome Bettis in a Miller Lite Commercial, but as far as I’m concerned, a girl only goes on the list if there is penile penetration below the waist. So, for the third time, I apologize to those South American Catholic “Virgins” who take it in the other hole and still consider themselves “pure.” By American standards, actually, you’re about as pure as Mexican tap water. At any rate, hookers don’t count either. If you want to know why, look here.
I may be more obsessed with my numbers than anyone I know. I have an 8 page spread sheet devoted to it, sorting girls by appearance, age, ability, ethnicity, location and a variety of other things. It is a pain in the ass to update, but a hell of a lot of fun to read. Brings back some nice memories too, you know? But some may ask, “White Dade, why are you, and men in general so obsessed with your number?”
Men like to track their numbers for a variety of reasons. First, for the more slimy and insecure among us, we will tell it to anyone who asks, and many who don’t, just to show off. Some guys have a set number that they must get to before they get married (this is not a joke, I know several guys who have said “My Dad was with 63 women before he got married. I have to pass him.” Psychological analysis aside, it is a common phenomenon). Me, I like to do it for memory’s sake. I like to do it because it allows me to remember all the fun, and not so much fun, I’ve had over the years and who I had that fun with. This is especially helpful during a slump.
Similarly, I think keeping a number humanizes the women you’ve been with more than if you “lose count.” If you don’t remember how many people you’ve slept with, then you will more than likely completely forget at least a few of them. Not that some of mine haven’t been totally forgettable, but if you keep a number and you go, “Who’s number 26?” you will never forget that one-night stand you had on your friend’s couch in San Jose. Even if it did only last about three minutes. My point is, it gives a name and a face and a distinct memory to every person you’ve been with, which I think is a hell of a lot more respectful than just lumping them all together.
As fascinated as I am by all sexual statistics, I rarely divulge mine to anyone, and especially not anyone I could realistically be sleeping with. But it does not change the fact that men, and some women, like to keep a numeric record of their sexual history for their own personal reasons. No, it is not anyone else’s business. But it is always beneficial to remember where you came from so you can better realize where you are. Because, contrary to what